by 7footrabbit
It was so long the limited number of four lettered words became repititious and boring. Also, things such as "hear comes the team--", "straiten up--", and "under ware" were off putting. I almost stopped at the first page over that. You could tighten the story up, remove about 3 pages and have a winner.
Cut in at least in half, and as the previous person said it would cut down on the repeating of the same words over and over. Gave you a 4 for the potential in the future.