by genealguy
A couple of words you might want to learn, understand and apply to your writing. Plausibility and continuity. Look them up. The story itself had a pretty good base. Ex military Brother and his sister begin relationship, an incident occurs, and jealousy is introduced etc. However, the content and the dialogue needed a LOT of work. With effort this could be a great read.
You lost me with the over the top reaction of the sister. I can believe her getting angry in the moment but not even having him explain the situation. No.
i agree with the last commenter you really over played the sisters reaction and the end was total bullshit when he woke up and julie was there and explained about tania and ask if he could forgive her he should have said "why should i you proved you don't care about me you would rather believe your slut friend you even got engaged you sure have a strange way of showing you love me" then taken his gun and shot himself no one would forgive her after the way she acted keep it realistic and believable and stop trying to rewrite human nature
a more realistic end after he woke up in the hospital would be for him to call a nurse and ask why there was a woman in his room and when the nurse said it was his sister he would look at her and say I HAVE NO RELATIVES I WANT HER REMOVED AND SHE IS NOT TO BE ALLOWED IN HERE AGAIN keep it atleast somewhat realistic and believable please
DBRS
He should have told his sister to go to hell, let her hurt just like she did to him. No contact, not even to let him know his mother died? wouldn't let him see his mother in the hospital? fuck that bitch she can rot!
i appreciate the 'realism' of a story like this, but after the black chick tried to blackmail him... just WTF??? just seeing how horrible you can get the story?
i thought the title was a play on words for blowjob... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it had to be the one thing people read these things to forget about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS take out the tag 'mother' because it dose not belong there
His Sister loves him enough to save herself for him, then after taking her virginity her true love loses her to another man?? Even for one second? NO!!! That is intolerable! Your first lover must also be your last. Anything else is not love, it is lust. Fix this. Now!! If you have any respect for romance, fix it!!!
there is no way in hell he would forgive her that way MAYBE in twenty or thirty years but not that fast. she screwed him over and believed her so called friend instead of him, wouldn't let him see his mother, got engaged, didn't tell him his mom died and you want us to believe he forgives her. BULLSHIT!!!! this was an epic fail and needs to be deleted at once.
This story really sucks. Incest is illegal in some parts of the world, but it's by no means the sort of thing that will instantly bring the law crashing down to ruin someone, especially not when the two involved are adults. Unless this story takes place in some backwards middle-eastern country, which does not seem to be the case, the idea that all of this started going wrong because the siblings were afraid of being outed is ridiculous. Get this trash out of here.
I thought they really had something solid , but when she took the words of someone she hated as the truth and never let him tell his side ,I know right then it was over . his whole world crumbled over jealousy and the lack of trust . I thought that if you really love someone with all your heart and soul to no end , and he loves you the same way to no end , there would be no way this event would ever happen
Your dialog made me laugh so hard my face hurts! Where did you EVER meet anyone on the entire planet who spoke like that? Jeez, read some of the other stories on here, so you'll learn how to write dialog that doesn't read like a bad David Mamet play! The story development is lame, the various hoops your hero jumps through were poorly thought out, and the story itself is just pointless, and not in the least bit erotic, just stupidly written and dull at a whole new level of dullness. Get an editor, someone who actually knows how to write, and re-write this so it at least reads like it was written by someone with a better than room-temperature IQ.
Then it all went downhill rapidly.
Not one of my favourite stories I'm afraid.
Rapier
What type of emotional bond is this! Son and daughter have no bonds with their mother.. Mother is also less cared about them.. This is not happened in the family system here in our country..