Liv's Legacy: Paula

"I've thought of starting up a class for lesbians on the bible, and show mostly from the bible why they shouldn't believe what all they're—the churches and all of their crazies—are saying about us, and how bad we are. From my experience, something like this is needed, don't you think?"

She was talking as she was thinking, and in a way, not really thinking about what she was saying to me, at least not every word since her thoughts were obviously distracting her. I say obviously because she surely knew that I had no way of knowing if a class was needed for lesbians and using the bible to show them that what was said about us wasn't true, thus all I could do was to look at her with a questioning face.

"Oh! Yeah, that's right, you don't know, at least not yet, but if you'll help me, I think that'll change. How about it, Paula?"

"Uh, okay, if you think I can," I said unsure if I could or not, but more than willing to try.

It was getting close to dinner time. "Good. Oh, hey, look, it's nearly time we thought of something to eat. Would you like to eat first, then shower and try on some other clothes, or wait on the clothes until tomorrow? You don't smell too beachy, so you can wait if you'd like, or not."

My face lit up in embarrassment. Beachy? That must be like sweaty, or my clothes, that is.

"Uh, maybe I should change into something not so—smelly then."

She laughed. "I was kidding you, hon, but then again, you might feel better in something fresher."

She put a couple of frozen type dinners in the oven while I went to shower and change. Quickly finished, I came out with a top, shorts—which I seldom, if ever, wore, and sandals.

"That looks good on you. The dinner will still take a few minutes, so I'll go take a shower now too." When she came out, we ate, cleaned up what little there was, then she took me to her books.

"Liv," I had to ask, "why did you save me?"

She thought on it for a minute. "Maybe it should be why not save you? The truth though is that you looked then as you do now," she said, and paused, looking at me critically, I thought.

"You're more than pretty, Paula, and more than that, you're young and you looked so peacefully sad sitting there as you were. More truth, I didn't know for sure that you were intent on suicide, but I considered you might be, and thought it wasn't right. Maybe it was meant to be, one of those fortuitous set of circumstances that are rare, but come up every now and then. I don't know, there was just something magical about you, about the moment, something that told me I had to talk to you, to try to get to know you. I hope that'll do because right now, and maybe for always, it's the best I can do."

"I just wondered," I said, unsure of why I asked.

"What about you? What do you think now about it?"

Now it was my turn to think. Magical! For want of a better word, that fit.

"I've never been talked to as you did. Not at the beach, not after I left with you, not the way we were last night, and not this morning. And for sure, not like this afternoon. You're different. Fresh? New to me? Yes. A part of me doesn't want to trust you, but there's something about how you are, how you talk and act, and my heart knows I'm safe with you, that I trust you though I know I still doubt sometimes. Goodness, I don't know when I've said so much."

"If you ask me, you should say more. You're very thoughtful, very expressive."

In answer to that, I blushed, not having any suitable words. Yes, I was embarrassed, but pleasantly so.

"Paula, did you always feel a liking for girls as opposed to boys?"

"Yes, always. There never was a day when I wanted to be near, or with, boys, though I will say that my parents pretty much watched over me. We've been church goers for as long as I can remember, and church was what my parents lived for as far as I could tell."

"So you listened to the preacher all the time. Is that right?"

"Yes, three times a week, and very often more for special occasions."

"And when did you first begin to fear for being a lesbian?"

"Since forever, I think," I really had no need to think about that. "Somehow I feared as soon as I understood his words, and more when I was older and knew I liked girls. I was so scared, and then it got worse. When it got worse, I was afraid all the time, especially at night when there was no where to hide from my thoughts, or my fear that burned in me. I was always so scared," I said, tears slipping out though I didn't want them to.

"I'm sorry, honey. That should never have been, and it must still be terrible to you. Do you think the fear is the same now, or has it lessened since last night?"

Once more I thought about what she asked. "Less, I think. What I mean is that when I'm with you, it doesn't enter in the way it did before. I don't think I'll be afraid to go to sleep the way I was before."

"Do you mean that you think you can sleep by yourself tonight?"

That wasn't what I meant, though it sounded like it as I recalled my words. As I thought of sleeping alone, my body suddenly trembled, and I knew I'd not sleep alone without fear.

"By that look on your face, I guess you'd rather not sleep alone," she said in a kindly voice.

No words would come out, but I shook my head meaning that she was right, that I knew I'd not do well to try to sleep alone.

"You're shaking your head: does that mean you don't think you'd do well sleeping alone?"

Feeling so dumb, I nodded, my fear gripping me yet.

"Paula, honey, as long as you want to, you can sleep with me. I don't want you feeling fear if it can be avoided, and I do want you to feel safe and comfortable. Okay, hon?" her soft voice as a much needed sweet melody that was calming my sudden fear.

"Okay," I said quietly as my head nodded. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Oh, honey, don't ever be sorry. They've put you through hell, and if me holding you some will help you get past their ignorance, then we'll do it. I will if you will, okay?"

"Yes. Thank you," I said, my muscles still twitching a little.

If Liv could help me ease this horrible fear that I'd lived with for too many years, then that's what I wanted. I'd rather be dead that live with this fear. I'd thought of it several times, and maybe I even seriously thought to take my life. Often I'd try it, but couldn't think of how, or to settle on one way or another being a good way to do it, but last night was the first time I knew I'd do it for sure, and how, and would have were it not for Liv disrupting it.

"Paula, honey, I think that as intelligent as you are, helping me put this together will help you to understand that there's no need in you feeling as you have been made to feel. Let me tell you a little something about how this all works. From all we do know for sure how Christianity began, we definitely know that what we have was cobbled together from a lot of different sects that popped up after Jesus died. Many of those sects fought each other to be the main sect, and a lot of them just went their own way. This all took hundreds of years until Constantine, the Roman emperor, made them have only one church three hundred years after it all began. Even after that, quite a few remained apart, but what we now call the Catholic Church became the church of the empire.

"The thing about it was that no one wrote anything in the actual time of Jesus that we know of; the gospels were all apparently written decades after he died, and no one honestly knows who wrote those gospels. And worse, there are contradictions of what actually happened, and when. Most likely, the church in Rome had the most dollars, and thought themselves to be supreme because of it, or so it seems. From what we think we know about Jesus, their church was nothing like the person of Jesus.

"They had a lot of intellectuals that suddenly felt that they knew what God wanted, though nobody had written about it, and more, they thought they knew what God was really like. They were all like little kids with a new toy. Much of what they say now is wholly untrue, and more, it has no foundation to hold it up though they never say it, or maybe as some like your preacher, didn't know it.

"They never did any research that we know of, at least none that we'd call research today. The one thing is that now it's all starting to come out, but out of habit, people cling to it though it's a lie. Okay, I wasn't there at any time, but all of them back then weren't either. Only Paul was there when some of his letters were written, but only some of the ones we have today are thought to be really his, but he never knew Jesus that we know of. We only know that he says he had a vision of him, and that's spotty from his writings that we have. Hang in there with me, and you'll see.

"Modern writers, real researchers who want to know the truth instead of picking one group or the other and just saying that theirs is the truth have been working on it. But from reading many of them, they're coming out slowly in saying what they've figured out, and some seem to think that we need some kind of religion anyway, and write as if they want to take what seems good to them and cobble another instead of telling the whole truth as openly as they can.

"What I want to do is to synthesize all of what has been discovered, all that research has revealed, and make up a class for us lesbians who have been told that we're abominations that god hates. That's what I'm trying to put together, but with biblical proofs of it all. I think it can be done, and you and others will see it unless some are just too stubborn to allow themselves to see it.

"Will you hang in there with me and help me put it together? I'll only put in what seems provable, or is definitely proven by the bible itself, which I think will be most of it. Will you help me, and maybe learn of it as you do?"

Her words stunned me. Figure out the truth of the bible? Figure it all out to where we know much about it? From the few times I tried to read it on my own, all I did was to start to get frustrated. Before I'd get frustrated, I know I'd just tell myself that what I'd been told had to be the truth. That may sound like I was lazy, but it was more that I had no idea where to look to connect anything, there's so much to the bible.

Liv sounded as if she meant what she said, and what would it cost me to help her? I could judge for myself if it was good or just another something that didn't make a lot of sense. Still, something within me sensed that she was very serious, and that she would do as she said. And if so, it meant that she'd prove all she just said to me, and that had my mind racing, then stirred with the prospect of helping Liv. For whatever real reason, I had faith in her. She was to be believed, I sensed.

"Okay. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do my best."

"Thank you, honey. Oh, tell me, how far did you go education wise?"

"I have a two-year associates degree in business from junior college. They, the church, thought I might help them some if I had a business degree though I haven't seen how they thought for me to use it for the church. All I do is answer the phone, type whatever they need typed—that sort of general thing."

"So we'll still not have any use for you to do anything business wise, but maybe some other things will help us both out, as well as other lesbians who may need this information. I mean, who in the heck likes being called an abomination before god, I ask you?" she said looking seriously indignant, but then as usual, I was finding out, smiled.

"Not me," I answered smile and all.

"Good for you."

"Can you tell me a little more about what you mean to write—like about Noah maybe?"

"Sure. This won't take long and no bible needed—well, maybe. Which one are you used to using?"

"We used the King James in church, and that's what we have at the house." I said, noting that I hadn't said 'home', but rather 'house'.

"Do you feel you pretty much know about the Exodus?" she asked.

"Yes, I know it pretty good."

"Good. Now, there are two places where the timing of the Exodus is either found, or intimated. We have an idea that someone thought it was in the time of Ramesses II because chapter 1, verse 11 says that the Hebrews built Pithom and Raamses, and chapter 12, verse 37 says that when the Exodus began, they journeyed from Rameses to Succoth. Go ahead and look that up so that you're sure of what I'm telling you. Always feel more than free to check and verify anything I say," she said, and waited until I had verified it.

"Yes, I see it," I said after finding it as she said it was, and where it was.

"That would put the Exodus about the 1250s BCE or so. The problem with this is that Exodus says that there were over six hundred thousand male Israelites that were of fighting age. With that size army, even after forty years of wandering, Joshua set out to conquer Canaan. But how could they if history shows that Egypt ruled up through Syria, and had marched through Canaan to fight the Hittites near the Orontes River far north of Damascus. That fight was said to be a draw, but Egypt kept its territories pretty much intact.

"If Ramesses II marched through Canaan, he would have met Joshua's armies. He didn't. What history tells us is what I just said, but it's how it tells it to us that makes us know it's most likely true. Again, I say most likely because I wasn't there. What makes it likely as being true was that both sides recorded it, and we have those records which, both saying it happened, is taken as objective evidence that it is so. In the bible, all we have is what they say happened, but give no proofs.

"One other small thing," she said with a look on her face that told me it would be no small thing, "those who estimate world populations at various time, as well as populations of nations, figure that there were about 3 million or so Egyptians at that time. How in the world could the Israelites have at least two and a half million people, and six-hundred thousand of them warriors fit to fight, and not simply take over Egypt?

"Now for the other specific bible verse telling of when the Exodus occurred, look at I Kings, chapter 6, verse 1. From the date of Solomon becoming king, if you do the math as they tell you, you come up with 1450 BCE. That was the time of Tuthmosis III whom some called the Egyptian Napoleon. This was when Egypt was at its zenith ruling all the way to the Euphrates River.

"Tuthmosis III put down rebellion by Syria, and another time he went across Israel to Megiddo to defeat the Prince of Kadesh. And again, he fought the Mitanni across the Euphrates and won. No where did he meet Joshua. There apparently was no Joshua, or at least not as the general of a massive army that could have ruled all of Egypt and the Middle East if it had been true. The wars are historic facts, whereas the bible stumbles on two different dates for the Exodus."

What all Liv told me had my mind reeling. How could this be so? Yet I had checked the bible references she gave me, and found them to be correct. She logged me into the Internet, and I found many sites giving the same information. As well, Liv gave me several books she had about Egypt, and they said the same thing.

"It's unbelievable, Liv. How? I mean, how could we not see this, or be told about it?"

"Mostly because they either don't want you to see the errors, or they don't know about them, or have heard of them and are too lazy to research them. I suspect that they don't want you to know about them and only want you to believe what they tell you. It's a heck of a long standing culture that won't let them look objectively as they can these days—a Zeitgeist, or a long standing tradition, and this one has been around for two thousand years. That's my personal opinion, and I have nothing to back that up, but if I know men, that's it. Martin Luther is supposed to have said that reason is the greatest hindrance to belief. He is said to have hated anyone doing any thinking, much less questioning.

"Even today, they don't want you to think, just follow, and say Amen at the appropriate time, or follow along blindly at mass in the Catholic, or other similar church. They've bombarded us with thousands of 'me-too' books that are devoid of anything but belief, and say the same thing over and over. But as I said, there are researchers that are writing easy to understand books that point out the facts."

My mind was still whirling, and my body trembling, though I wasn't sure why. The first thoughts that came to me was that in only two different readings, Liv had already called into disrepute all I thought that I had learned about the church—my church that branded me as an abomination before God. As I trembled, I wondered if it was because of anger, or because of beginning enlightenment. It was probably both, I thought.

Though I'd been with Liv only about one full day, my trust in her was growing exponentially, as was the knowledge that I wished I had known about these things long ago. Then I wondered how many others would feel as I was feeling when they learned of these things. I just knew that Liv had more to pass on to me, and I sensed a tremendous yearning to help Liv in her project though I knew little about it.

"Honey, please, please, feel free to check out what I say. If you do, you solidify the truth of the lies in your mind, and you help me too, mostly by finding any errors in what I write and giving me a heads up. Okay?"

Nodding my head, I was in awe of her already.

Chapter 4

We went to bed, and somehow I found myself in Liv's arm, my cheek on her breast. It felt like such a lovely breast, and it did make me wonder what it would be like to lay on it without any clothes between us. It was a beautiful thought that was affecting me too much, so I squelched it, my guilt at having such thoughts of her like that embarrassing. Still, Liv was a woman—a pretty woman, or was it a gorgeous woman?—and it, she, was what I wanted. No, I dared not think of it. Not now, if ever. Yet...

"What do you think now, hon?" Liv's question brought me out of my reverie. "How do you feel about things since last night?"

It caught me wholly and totally unprepared, so I had to think about it. As I tried to put it together, what I thought, how I felt, it was too much.

"I'm not sure," I said woefully. "Everything you've told me is true, and yet a big part of me wants to say it isn't though I know it is. I'm feeling so much confusion, and I know that any anger is trying to build up in me, but I'm not sure why. My mind want's to run and hide, my emotions try to make me sad, and yet they want to hope with an odd desire that I've never had. I trust you as I've never trusted anyone, not even my parents, and I barely know you, but..."

"What, hon? Say as you feel it, think it."

"It's ridiculous, Liv. This feeling in me, it's like a knowing, like something that's certain. Liv, I feel as if I've known you since forever, and that you're the only one who ever told me the truth about anything, and that you're someone I know I can turn to with any question. A—and I feel safe with you. It's crazy, but it's like I sense that I'm home. Please don't think bad of me, Liv. Please," I cried suddenly, all of these wild things in me—thoughts, emotions—all trying to be the one thing in my life, my certainty, but only Liv was certain, and I sensed that was true. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Some things take time, honey, and as you say, you just got here. If it's been good for you so far, let's see what tomorrow brings you. For now, you are safe, and I'm holding you. Do you like having me hold you?"

"Yesssss," the word came out instantly as a strong, desperate sounding soft hiss, sure, and with absolutely no doubt, and it wasn't from a sexual need.

I clung to her as I had last night, my body shivering again from all of my confusion, yet clinging to my one certainty—Liv. How had this happened? However it did happen, I wanted it, needed it, and something in me was refusing to do anything that would cause me to lose it.