Liv's Legacy: Paula

"Thank you, Liv. I'm so glad you found me. Honestly," I said, a couple of tears of happiness sneaking out.

Loving that I was truly alive is how I was feeling—very alive, and excited to be knowing it was open to me.

We talked a little more then it was back to reading. There was so much church in me, but only of the church I went to, and none of it as it was when Christianity began, and I marveled at it. It wasn't like having Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and the others like the one I was raised in. They had different ways of seeing Jesus, some as God, some not, yet he was, and what they were to do was also different. Gnosticism was something I never heard of, but they were important back then.

Dinner also came too soon. Liv had put a roast into a crock pot, then added vegetables to it. It all smelled so delicious, and when we did eat, I found that it was delicious to taste too.

Afterward, it was back to reading until it was time to sleep. When we were in bed, there was no hesitation or thought on my part, but when I found myself wrapped in Liv's arm, I thought to apologize for my impertinence, but felt Liv's arm pull me to her, and a hand go into my hair in welcome. That had me settling comfortably into her warm and wonderful breast.

"I've thought of calling my mother on the day after tomorrow. Do you think that gives her enough time to consider what I wrote?" I asked.

"That would seem like a good plan; yes, I think she'd have enough time to let it settle within her. You will have to prepare yourself for whatever may come though. While there may be love in your family, as you say, she's been in that church for a long time, and a firm believer in it. I'd think that would make what she might say a dicey proposition."

"Yes, I've thought of that, and I do believe that it's as you say: rather unpredictable."

"However it goes, I'll still be here, and you can be too. Of that, there's no doubting."

Once more, without thought, I snuggled into her breast at those words that were so important to me in many ways. My person was becoming addicted to being with her, to not ever want to leave her though a part of me still wanted to doubt that she'd want me with her as I wanted to be with her. After all, this was only my third night with her—or was it my fourth? Already I had lost track of how long I'd been here, knowing only that I felt as if I'd never been anywhere else but with her.

Chapter 6

Needless to say how wonderful and rested I felt when I woke up. Part of it had to be because I felt Liv's hand very gently combing through my hair. That brought out a sigh of contentment from me.

"Somebody's awake, huh?" her voice sweetly settled in my ears.

"Uh-huh. Can I stay here like this a while longer?"

"Just as long as one of us doesn't have to make a mad rush to the bathroom," her voice being still as if dreamy to me.

"Thank you. It just feels so good, so...uh, sweet," I couldn't lie to her.

"Just as you are, just as you feel to me. But there's still work to be done. Think you're ready to be slaved today?"

"I'll try," I said with a phony, but properly heavy sigh.

She laughed, then she hugged my face hard to her breast.

"Then maybe I'll just stay like this forever," I said, the words coming out of my mouth without thought, and, I might add, without shame, it seemed so natural to be with her as I was.

"Yeah, I might like that too, however, I guess I'd better roust you now or forever hold my pee, and I don't think my bladder will be happy with me if I try that. It gets a little cantankerous at times," she said with a quiet laugh.

Smiling, though I hated it, I rolled off of her comforting breast.

At our now usual routine, we sat on the sofa with our second cup of coffee, our tummies filled with nourishment to most of the day.

"Liv?"

"What, hon?"

"What got you into all of this? Your, uh, project?" She laughed suddenly, a bit sharply letting me know it wasn't her favorite subject; then again, it seemed to be.

"For a long time, I was still a fairly good Catholic; you know, just used to going and taking part in the Sunday morning ritual they call mass. Then along came a bunch of pedophiles, apparently so many that they couldn't keep them pushed down to where us common folk couldn't see them. As you probably know, it was more than a mess. It was like a cancer that nobody had seen before, and one that after a while looked as if it would go on forever. And it has been going on forever, and will continue until everybody is affected because they just can't seem to quit.

"But more than anything, I think it was the case of the priest who visited a home, and went up to pray with a little girl. Taking advantage of the trust placed in him as the parents were taught since he was an intermediary between them and God, he raped her. When they sued, the church's lawyers tried to blame the parents for allowing him to go up unattended, saying the whole thing was their fault for being bad parents. That really burned me up.

"That got my self-righteous self stirred up too much, but it was slow developing, as was the news of just how bad it all was, or is, I should say. It also sharpened my awareness, and that awareness took hold of my eyes, thus the books I have. I don't even remember which was the first book I bought, there are now so many.

"After some time, there came questions about the validity of the bible. We've probably all seen them from time to time, somebody saying something about it not being so, but we all ignore it because we're used to it, so therefore they must be nuts. But they weren't nuts, or were beginning to look as if they might have something. It was my new sense of awareness about what the Catholic church was doing, or maybe not doing.

"What I was noticing kept growing, and as I read, and checked out what I read, I knew there was something bad wrong with it all, and sure enough, there is."

"You don't think the bible is right?" I asked, astonished that Liv might think that, but oddly enough, it didn't frighten me as it might have before I met her.

"No, honey, I don't, and as you keep reading yourself, and verifying what you're told, I think you'll see it too. Again, verify everything, even what I say if I say that this or that is so and provable. Make me prove it, and don't try to be kind to me when you do. Most of what I tell you is either provable by the bible itself, or by undeniable history like those Egyptian wars during both times the bible says The Exodus took place.

"To finish answering your question, though, when I knew enough, I also knew that they were wrong when they said a god, their god, declared us an abomination in his sight. Since then, I've met a few who have had similar problems as you seem to have, and the hypocrisy got to me, and here I am. That's how I got into my project," she ended.

Thinking about it, and noticing that I wasn't faulting her, I thought I'd better keep reading for I trusted her, but as she told me, I should prove it all to myself. That's something I felt I not only wanted to do, but needed to do. It was a strong sense of urgency in me that pushed me, demanded that I keep looking. After all, hadn't she already proven two huge things that were wrong in the bible? How much more would I find similarly, or totally wrong?

"Thank you. I guess I better go read some more."

"If you want to, honey. It's all up to you."

"As you say, it can't really hurt me, and who knows what I may find. Liv, it's all so crazy, my life is crazy, and different now. I—I have to go on," I said, my mind deep into itself, and going further in.

The rest of the day, I was exceptionally quiet around her as I read and read, even through lunch and dinner. In fact, I finished the first book, and was intrigued by another book about Lost Scriptures. That book I didn't read fully as it gave scriptures sort of like the bible did, but did notice the vastly different ideas of Jesus in some of the religions. They were strange, to say the least, but then again, some ideas weren't so strange, but that wasn't saying that I particularly believed them.

"You've done a lot of reading," she said as we were in bed and my cheek where it loved to be on her breast.

"It's interesting; maybe eye-opening in some ways," I said. "It's hard to believe that there were so many different religions then centered around Jesus. I'd never heard of them before."

"And then there's those pesky Dead Sea Scrolls," she said.

"What about them?"

"When they were found in the mid-1940s, the Catholic church quickly put itself in to be the custodian of their well-being. Hmpf! Custodians of their well-being my foot. They put them on ice for about forty years until they were forced to release them."

"Why did they do that?"

"Most likely because they were afraid that something from the time of Jesus and before might say something that would be embarrassing to their religion."

Our church never spoke of The Dead Sea Scrolls, so I didn't know much about them, in fact, very little.

* * * *

When morning came, I knew I had to call my mother. Though I dreaded it, I would do it, but wait until after I knew they'd have their dinner. In the meantime, I read, this time getting into a book that spoke about the bible itself, and scriptures, and what really might be, as well as some things that truly were that were overlooked by most.

Again, through lunch and dinner, I wasn't much in the way of company, but when it came time to call my mother, I did. Liv showed me how to hide her telephone number so my mother couldn't see it, and for now, not know where I was. That bothered me some, but I understood, and agreed, with it's needfulness.

"Hello," I heard her voice. My father never answered the phone if he didn't have to.

"Hello, mother, it's Paula."

"Where are you?" she asked, her voice a little frantic.

"I'm with a friend, and I'm fine. Did you get my letter?"

"Yes," I heard her voice change in tone. "How could you do that. It's a sin."

"It's how I am, how I have been for many years. I won't hide it anymore."

She was crying, though trying to hide it. "Preacher Sloane and the elders have set aside a time to pray for your return to God's ways," she got in.

"They can if they wish, but it won't do any good. I love you, Mother, but this is me, and always has been."

"Then I guess I won't see you in heaven. Dear God, that hurts so bad," she resumed crying.

I let her cry for a while, but then I had to ask, "Is it okay if I come by to get my clothes and things?"

"Yes, of course, if you have to. But I don't think you should come by when your father is here. He didn't take your letter too well. You know when we're at work. And you can take your car if you wish. The title's in your name," she added as if saying a final good bye.

"Thank you, Mother. I love you." I told her, but she had hung up.

"That didn't sound too good," Liv said.

"No, but I expected it," I said sadly, a few tears seeping out of my eyes as I worked to hold them back.

I told her all she had said, and how it ended, how she had simply hung up.

"It's okay to cry," she told me softly.

I took her at her word as she enfolded me in her arms. My cry was quiet, but steady. It was as if my life had never been, at least not until I met Liv, but it was so difficult to know that all that went before it was as if it never were. Still, as odd as it seemed, I had thought similar when I thought of being with Liv, that my life was beginning with her.

She held me a long time, caressing me, speaking soft words every now and then to calm me. It must have been a very long time, for when she suggested we take our shower, I was surprised. That done, and us in bed, I quickly cuddled into her again, and let her soothing hands and fingers put me to sleep.

Chapter 7

After waking up, eating, then talking a moment, we decided to go pick up my clothes as I knew my parents wouldn't be home.

Once in my old home, I knew where the car's title was, picked up the keys I had never taken with me before, and we piled everything into the car, and some clothes into Liv's car, and went to my new home with Liv.

She made some space for me, and fortunately, there was plenty of it with the rest put into a closet in another bedroom, the one that would have been mine if I had slept alone. The only thing she had in excess was books. What was to be said to be my room was the bedroom I had used to change and shower in. The other one had her computer, as well as other books. She did seem to live frugally.

"Want to lay down for a while?" she asked solicitously.

I nodded, and we went to lay on her bed.

"Now that that's done, how are you feeling?" her soft and gentle voice asked.

"Strange. Different. Like one life is officially over, and now another is beginning."

"You knew this was coming?"

"Yes. Still, it's as if irrevocable, over and done with, but in a way, I wonder where my old life was, what happened to it," I said in a whisper, her breast doing its job of consoling me in its own way, her arm about me my security in my new life.

"If you knew it was coming, have you had any other thoughts on it?"

"No, not on it, but I did have some unusual feelings. All of this has had me doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscing. I know I've always been quiet, and my voice has always been soft, and that helped me in a way that I needed when I knew I was attracted to girls, women. But before I knew it, and afterwards too, I kept having these strange feelings. It was as if I knew there was something in me that needed to come out, struggled mightily.

"That was with me for years, but as far as I was concerned, though it made me wonder a lot, all of it helped me to keep everything within me. To help keep me quiet, you know?" She nodded as if she did know; but I knew she didn't yet. "Keeping quiet was paramount to me. There was no way I could let anyone know about what was inside of me, so this feeling that I couldn't identify, but that constantly bugged me, I never knew what it was until last night, I think."

"This sounds interesting. Tell me about it, what you think it was, or is," she said.

"Liv, once or twice, I've felt the world was opening up to me, for me, that I was finally seeing as I never had before, and it thrilled me. When I had this feeling, I just reveled in it, and a couple of times, I think you knew it."

"Yes, I'm sure I did see that going on in you, and it thrilled me too," she said as if excited all over again.

"What I came to know, to believe, was that those feelings, the sense I had for years that there was something in me that wanted to bubble over and come out was what has been happening with me since we met. Somehow I knew there was life that was awaiting me, that might well be good for me, and it wanted to express itself. I was a cauldron that was suppressing all that was in me that wanted to boil over and out of me.

"This with my mother, separating after all these years, yes, it's been depressing, but now I know that other secret I was holding in, and it's liberating. I hate the way things ended with my parents, but my life, Liv, it's there, and now it's alive even though my voice is still soft and quiet, yet I feel as if I'm shouting," I said, my head lifting off of her breast."

Looking at her, I saw a blinding sparkle of wonder in her eyes, as if she was indeed seeing a new person. Me? The sense of suddenly knowing, and articulating what was in me that had hidden for so many years was so uplifting as to give me an exquisite feeling of knowing as I never had before. It was thrilling to me.

I looked down at Liv, and my eyes bored into hers, and a new surging within me flooded my being, I was so happy. Then I was on her, nearly full bodied, my arms snaking their way under her head and neck, and I was hugging her to me hard as I cried tears of joy. As always, she held me, but this time she also cried with me, and I knew that she knew why I was crying.

"I'm sorry, Liv, but you've made all of this possible for me. You brought it out of me, and made me see it, and I'm so happy. Thank you," I said, lifted my head and kissed her cheek in my overwhelming joy.

She kissed my cheek after looking at me for a moment. "You're welcome, honey, and I'm glad it's come out in you. The only question now is whether you'll be able to sleep, or if we'll have to stay up all night and talk," she laughed.

"Sleep, I think, but if you don't mind, maybe I'll just hold you tight all night, I'm so happy," I said unabashedly.

"Sure, hon, you hold me as tightly as you want to; that'll be fine," she said, and kissed my cheek again before I returned to her beautiful breast.

Feeling her warmth that I so coveted now, and being all comfy as I snuggled as deeply into her as I could, I sighed deeply.

"I guess I'll have to really learn now that you're stuck with me. I can't be letting you down," I said jokingly.

"Learn if you wish, but I think you'll do it because you know it'll help you to find more of that liberating feeling you're enjoying."

"Yes, that's true, and what I want to do. I want to learn, learn, learn. Thank you again, Liv."

"No problem, honey. You've brought me more joy than you can imagine, so thank you too."

I wiggled my face more into her breast in my happiness, then settled myself down to sleep in peace and love. Yes, love, for she had to have love for me to do as she had for me.

"Nite, Liv," I said, and thoughtlessly kissed her breast quickly.

I knew what I'd done afterward, and when I heard a small gasp from her, and wondered if I had committed an unforgivable error.

"Nite, hon," she said, bent to kiss my head, and pulled me more tightly into her.

My heart felt a jolt of joy at her actions, and knowing she wasn't upset with my behavior.

* * * *

And learn I did. For the next several weeks, as I read, I checked things out as Liv had told me to do. Sometimes she would talk to me, and afterward, or as she talked, she had me verify what she said. Right off she had me doubting anything in Genesis and the creation. Too many things were out of order, and other things were doubtful.

In the Garden of Eden, that too was not as it should have been, things that whoever wrote the bible had no idea of as science wasn't a thing known to them. After reading a definition of cloning from another book, she compared how it was written that Eve was made. Save that she was a woman instead of a man, she was the definition of a cloned person.

My days of being shocked out of my shoes were becoming a thing of the past. For sure, when we talked of The Exodus, I knew it couldn't be right. It had soaked into my head about how the bible literally had two different dates for its supposed occurrence, but now Liv substantiated how it was logistically impossible. There were definitely at least two and a half million people by the bible's information, not to mention more than that in animals they started out with, and later those they took as booty from fighting others as they wandered.

What got to me was the idea of women being so separate from men, especially when things private, like urinating, or women having menses were considered. It was impossible to stay private when one needed to at least pee.

"Okay, say god kept their bladders miraculously without need to pee as they marched along. But can you imagine two and a half million people scattering to have privacy after they stopped. Oh, but then the bible does say that god miraculously kept their original shoes from wearing out. It doesn't mention that he kept them from the need to pee, or defecate, or the women to not have menses. After all, he commanded women be separated for a period of days when menstruating. Couldn't do that when marching save they never did. But they had to have children to replace the 600 thousand men who weren't to enter the promised land."