Liv's Legacy: Paula

"Give it time, honey, give it time, and as you do, learn, and accept only what you find to be true from the proofs, from what you find are true facts. You'll make it. I know you will."

"Will I, Liv? Honestly?"

"From what I've seen of you so far, I'm sure you will. Very few people are willing to question their beliefs, and definitely not see what may make them change them. Honey, you've done that, and it's affecting you powerfully. You've never felt, I don't think, that you are, or can be, an abomination to god. That makes you want to know the truth of things, but you've never had the opportunity, nor been given much training insofar as questioning things go. Your life seems to have been cloistered, but now you're suddenly feeling a new freedom, and you're far too intelligent not to see that there is something to be known that has never been available to you before. I'll do all I can to help you to find it out, to learn to be free with as much truth as possible. I promise you that."

Oh, how her words lit up a hope in me that I'd never felt before, never knew I needed, and once more, my emotions swung in a very powerfully positive way. This wild hope made me squeeze Liv's body tighter to my own, my cheek mashing her breast. And more, Liv pulled me tighter to her as if she was reading my emotions as I was. For a short flashing instant, I was glowing within. Hope?

I thought about it. I had felt it on the beach when Liv had found me. And I'd felt it once as I thought of what she'd told me. But had I ever hoped before? I couldn't remember.

As my mind wandered slowly, patiently, it was as if I were someone I didn't know, yet I did know, and it was me. Liv had suggested that I was as a prisoner, a cloistered person.

Though I'd never thought of hope, or the need of it, before, it came to me that maybe I'd had hope and just didn't know it, or didn't recognize it. All of those times when I had thought to kill myself, then felt a confusion that overwhelmed me, was that just me hoping for things to get better in my life?

Prisoner! Cloistered! Confused! All of that, and now hope that I did recognize. Why hadn't I thought of all of this before? I'd never questioned any of it, but now I was. My heart was so expectant, but in a good way, a way that I was wanting to see, to know.

So much was happening to me, and all in little more than a day. That confused me too, but I wasn't unhappy about it. After all, it was only my life being turned upside down. That wasn't too bad, was it? My silly mind went on and on, but with a strange peace. Was that peace from having recognized hope that I never knew I needed, or silently had? If so, it was no longer silent.

Then again, though I began to wonder so openly, and suddenly wanted to know what was to come in my life, as Liv had said, I should wait to see what the next day brought me. Yes, and my hope was running high, though I still wasn't quite sure for what.

Chapter 5

Was this the day that I can say that my new life began? Or was it yesterday when so much had been opened up to me? Or maybe the night Liv found me, and shown me a door I could walk through that had always been there, but unseen by me? Whatever day or night it began, I was eager for it.

As I lay with my cheek on Liv's breast, I became aware of that little fact too. It was so sweet to me, so comforting—and so desired by me in so many ways. Liv's breast was a thing of beauty to me, though I'd never seen it. It was a hope that I was recognizing, one that was burgeoning too explosively in me. One that I had to squelch, though I knew my mind wouldn't ever forget my desire. It was all too fast, and I was probably only clinging to Liv now because she did offer me hope that I'd never had before, at least not knowingly. Yes, I had to recognize that what was beginning in me might have its genesis in gratitude, not to mention that she was so easy to be with, and so pleasant for my eyes to look at.

Stop it, Paula!

"Hey, I can tell you're awake, and your mind is running away with thoughts. Care to share?

Oh, mercy, my face burned and that burning ran all the way to my toes. I was grateful that Liv couldn't see my face, but did she feel the heat it was letting off?

"Uh, just going over how things seem to be changing for me, for my life," I managed to tell her.

"Good stuff maybe?"

"Oh, yes, very good stuff—I think." She laughed softly.

"Well, lets see what else your mind may like. What would you like to do today?"

"Me? What about you? What do you have to do?"

"You," she said right off, then a hand went to her mouth as she quickly stifled a giggle.

I looked up, not thinking that I hated leaving the soft comfort of her breast, and stared at her in wonder of what she was giggling about.

"You're being too nosey, hon, and good morning."

"Good morning, but what am I being too nosey about?"

"Oh, crap. You're too sharp for me—and way too innocent," she said, once more giggling.

My look of confusion, indignation at whatever, and frustration got to her.

"Hon, you asked what I had to do today, and I meant to say 'Whatever you feel you need,' but instead just contracted it all to just 'you'."

Still being confused, I hated that it showed on my 'innocent' face, but I knew it did.

"Okay, see it's like this. In lesbian parlance, 'doing' someone, or 'do you', or 'do her', means having sex. When I realized I'd goofed, I had to laugh at myself. See it now?"

See it? If I had burned when she asked what I was thinking of when she first talked to me on waking, what could I call what was happening to me now? How hot, or how burning can one get? However much one could burn, I knew I'd surpassed it.

Liv laughed softly, and I could feel myself burning more. Though I hated it, yet I sensed some good feelings at being laughed at as she was doing.

"Oh, hon, you are so precious," she suddenly said as she pulled my face back into her breast. "I'm sorry, hon. Forgive me?"

Did I forgive her? "That's okay; I kind of liked it."

"You did? Why?"

"I'm not sure," I fumbled with how to explain it to her, as well as to myself. "Maybe it's because it's never happened to me before...it's all new to me, and I know you don't mean me any harm, or that you're just making fun of me. I don't know, Liv," I ended softer than I normally talked.

She held me and caressed my hair and face for a while, but with a tenderness that I could feel, and at that moment, I felt so loved that my heart almost burst with the new joy it was feeling.

In that one moment, I knew I belonged with Liv—for as long as she'd have me, that is. Whatever she wanted of me, I would do, or give her, I was so trusting of her person, the genuineness of everything about her.

"Hey, let's go pee before we mess up the bed, then have some coffee and breakfast, after which we'll get into whatever you want, okay? Now git, girl," she kissed the top of my head, than lightly slapped my shoulder.

As I dutifully left the bed, I thought: Yes, now I have hope, then sensed the nebulousness of all of those days and nights when I contemplated killing myself; it was as if they'd never been. With a surge of joy that I wasn't used to feeling, I began my day.

* * * *

It was a marvelous feeling I was having as we made coffee, cooked and ate breakfast, then cleaned up. It was all so easy, so smooth how we did it all so pleasantly. This was wholly different. Afterward, we sat with coffee on her sofa and talked.

"Paula, how you felt when I talked to you about Noah and The Exodus, you'll be feeling all of that over and over again, some even more so according to how you've felt and thought about it all before," she began.

"For the most part, this is just me talking. You'll learn later from our conversations, or from reading on your own, but this is sort of my overview of things, of Christianity and how it all began.

"I'll skip the Old Testament for now, and start with the New Testament, and what did or didn't happen, and what we're not told. Both are extremely important. Jesus, historically, is just about unknown save for about three mentions by outsiders, that do mention that he was genuinely alive at one time.

"From the time of his death until about ten or more years, we knew nothing about him. That is, nothing was written by any other until Paul wrote the first letter to the Galatians in about 48 CE or so, but remember, it was only a letter, and only to that church, so no others knew about it. The gospels started about the time Jerusalem was destroyed by the Romans about 70 CE, but that too was to a limited people.

"That, too, is important. All of the gospels seem to have been directed to a limited audience, and none of the four were written by Mark, Matthew, Luke, or John, and we don't know who did write them. We also don't have any of the originals, and there seems to be ample evidence found by scholars and researchers that they were edited, tampered with, or other wise changed. This is historical.

"There also is evidence that another person wrote some of what Jesus is supposed to have said, and they call it the Gospel according to Q, German for source, as in the source. Comparisons have been made, and it seems as if the gospel writers used much of what Q wrote in their gospels. Again, Q was deduced to have been written, but whether or not we actually have any of those writings, I can't say just now.

"Since there were no widespread ways of passing everything on to everybody, many groups of believers, or sects—kind of like Baptist, Catholic, Methodist—proliferated. There is even a sect—Mandaeans—that call Jesus a fake, and place John the Baptist over Jesus. Another bunch of groups were what we call Gnostics, and there were several types of Gnostics with different ideas of who or what Jesus was, and why.

"Some writings have been known of since about the 1700 and 1800s, I think, but were mostly held privately until lately. Finally, somewhere in the 1940s, what are called The Dead Sea Scrolls, were discovered. They were most likely written before and just after the time of Jesus by a group of people that lived in Qumran, but just who they were is debated. Some say Essenes, others just some Zealots.

"Other writings were discovered at a place in Egypt called Nag Hammadi. Those writings included gospels such as The Gospel of Thomas which some believe could have been written in the 90s CE, and some say maybe earlier or later. There was a literal treasure trove of writings and gospels. Have you heard of any of all of this, Paula?"

"Some, I think, like the Dead Sea Scrolls, but not much about it. Maybe that there was a Gospel of Thomas, but never in church or at home," I said, fascinated by all that she was telling me.

"If you wish, I have some books that tell about all of this. What's interesting is that it is proof positive that there were many different sects that arose from their belief about Jesus, and they were all different in what they saw, or how they saw Jesus. If you think of it, since all of what was written was directed at specific groups or audiences, it's no wonder that there were so many different teachings on Jesus. The different groups and teachings went on for over 300 years until Constantine made them pull it all into just one church and one teaching. Even at that, a few of the other groups still went on for many years. In fact, the Mandaeans are still with us either in Iraq or Iran, or thereabouts."

I sat there trying to assimilate all she was saying, and she'd just started.

"It's so much already," I said, still trying to grasp it all.

"Honey, what it means to us is that what we believe is based on what was written by people that most likely didn't know Jesus, and more, we don't know who they are so we're taking the words of strangers and saying that we believe it all. That's one of the things that is being brought out here lately.

"Now you may say, but this was known before, wasn't it? And if you did, the answer would be yes, however... And that 'however' would be big, and the reason for it would be an ongoing Zeitgeist, or a cultural belief that was little changed save by different groups that wanted more of this, or a little of that.

"So, how important is this Zeitgeist, and why is it so prevalent and powerful? We have to think of how it was not only in the beginning, but for centuries: people had no way of reading any of this, not even the bible, until 1455 when printing was invented, and even then, very few knew how to read, or could afford one. The thing is, what was known by the people was what the preacher wanted them to know. I've even read that in the 1800s in Denmark, they had a law that said you had to belong to the state church, and in those 1800s too, in England, there was a law that everyone had to believe in Jesus.

"This kind of long term thinking, and the constant teaching of it, made up a Zeitgeist—a culture—that is still known and felt by us all. It is why no matter what you tell them, or show them, even from the bible itself, the fundamentalists will still hold with their beliefs. Belief is everything to them, and reason is an enemy to their belief. That's why we, as lesbians, have such a bad time being accepted as anything but an abomination before god, for a huge part of their belief stems from the Old Testament."

It was becoming my usual state to have my mind spinning madly, trying to comprehend it all. What she said seemed to make sense, and I was sure that I would find it out for a fact. Facts! That was what Liv was made of, what was defining her.

"Liv, though I believe what you say, it's still so amazing to me that this has happened, that it is. No matter, I know that in time, you'll show it to me as you did what you said earlier on Noah and The Exodus."

"There is so much that has been hidden, that they don't want people to know, especially in the Catholic church. As far as I'm concerned, they are the masters of religious deceit."

That got my attention. "How so?" I asked.

"The religion we have was basically put together—cobbled—by them when Constantine demanded one faith only instead of all the sects they had back then. As far as I know, no one knows who started the church in Rome, just that the so-called apostle, Paul, did visit it, or was summoned, or both. Peter is also said to have been there at one time or another, and both may have been killed there.

"This church in Rome was most favored by Constantine, apparently, because it's pretty much accepted that he gave them what is called the Lateran Palace. Also, a couple of times, the Bishop of Rome tried to claim overall authority over all Christians everywhere. After Constantine, it kind of stuck.

"But even before 325 CE when Constantine made them get together, there was a monk, St. Basil of Caesarea, in about 306, who was said to have punishments for monks who molested boys: flogging and put in chains for six months. Penalties were said to be set up, or suggested. In 1051, a monk, St. Damian, wrote a book, Book of Gomorrah, outlining the molestations with warnings about it, but the pope whitewashed it. More recently, Karen Liebreich, wrote Fallen Order in which she documented, from Vatican files, a pedophile priest who massively abused children in Naples about the time of Galileo.

"What all this says is that what is going on today is nothing new about the Catholic church. They've been at it for close to two thousand years, and hiding everything they didn't want known from the public. This is one of the reasons I say that they are masters of deceit. It's also a good example of a Zeitgeist that has taken root in a limited setting, namely, the Catholic church, that keeps hiding this practice of pedophilia by priests all they can, and when caught, denying it, or blaming others. It's a practice they keep as if sacred to themselves, and don't reveal or admit publicly."

"That's so hard to believe. All of those years?" I asked, astounded that they'd gotten by with it for so long, if I could believe Liv, and I did.

"Honey, this is what religion is all about in many churches: power and prestige; position. Whether it's true of your church is something only you will be able to decide, but for sure, from what you've said, they're preaching what is not so, intentionally or not. Many of the books I have tell of this, and much more; about the beginnings, and the different sects, and how it continues till today. You're welcome to read any and all of them as you wish. Just about all of them are written so they can be understood by anyone, lucky me," she said with a smile. She had been speaking very seriously up until then.

We talked more on different religious subjects. Near to time for a sandwich, my head was exploding. What all I didn't know, what all I had never heard of, was unbelievable.

"Being so close to your parents home, your mother probably received your letter today. Think you'll want to call her sometime to see how she took it?"

I'd thought of doing that, but as was my case, I was a welter of confusion on what to do.

"I probably should, huh?"

She grinned. "Up to you, hon."

After lunch, she told me about her project. While in its infancy, yet her outline of it was impressive.

"How I'm talking to you isn't how I should be talking to a class of unknowns. It pretty much has to be facts."

"But you've got so many of them," I semi-protested.

"Yes, but with you, I've been putting them out there helter-skelter like. With a class, I have to have it organized, and following a pretty much sequential order. What I have to keep in mind is the need to show why I believe that lesbians shouldn't put any stock in these churches and politicians that are saying, or intimating, that we are an abomination."

I walked over to where her books were. "Can you suggest a starter book for me?" I asked, my lack of knowledge showing.

"Actually, yes," she said, pulling out a book for me.

It was Lost Christianities, by Bart Ehrman. "Thank you," I said, and began reading in it.

Right away I saw that much of it was highlighted very neatly, and parts of what was highlighted was underscored in red, also neatly. Instantly, I was impressed with how it started, and my eyes didn't try to go to the highlighted parts.

"Already getting into it, huh?" she asked with her perpetual smile.

"Liv, I have to tell you something."

"What, hon?" she asked with a very concerned look on her face, one that told me she was worrying about me, for me, in a way that was good, and not worrying about herself in any way.

"Last night just before I fell asleep, and this morning, I had a thought. Hope, I thought, was something new to me. I'd never really had hope; I mean, it never occurred to me to hope even when I thought of killing myself. It was unfamiliar to me until I met you. I remember it coming to me when we met, and then again. I've wondered about it, and I remembered you saying I was like a prisoner, a cloistered person who was well kept in my physical needs, but restricted in what I thought, and by hiding that I was a lesbian.

"Liv, it's as if my mind is being opened up. When you pointed out those two errors in the bible, it shocked me, and I didn't want to believe it, but you gave me hope for myself, for being me, and I kept wondering what it might be like to be me—the real me!"

"And the real you is what you want?" she asked gently.

"Yes! I want the real me. I do, Liv. It's like I'm just now knowing that I'm alive, that I can look at the beauty and splendor of the world instead of just a dreariness, and all the bad that's going on. I want to know the beautiful part of being here, being alive."

"There's a lot of beauty in the world, honey, and you're a huge part of that beauty. All you have to do is to learn of it all so you can see yourself as you genuinely are, and not as that preacher steered you to think of yourself. And, yes, there's a lot of ugliness in the world too, but most of it is from people who don't care, who only think of themselves, or don't mind taking from others; those we have to watch out for diligently. But there's nothing that can keep us from seeing the beauty but ourselves."