Losing you

I'd looked into her eyes and said the words that had driven her from my arms.

"Baby, can we move in together? I love you & I know you love me, I'm never gonna hurt you baby I promise. Please make me yours?"

She'd dressed so quickly and looked so angry I couldn't think what to say to her. As the door slammed and I heard her gun the engine of the car I sat in stunned silence on the end of the bed as my whole world fell apart around me. I had demolished our life together with a few simple words and then I received your text

'I'm sorry. I can't do it but I can't keep stringing you along either. It's probably best we call it a day. Chris x'

I'd texted straight back saying I was sorry. Begging her to come back to me, pleading for things to go back to how they were before I opened my mouth, promising never to pressure her again. There had been no response and I felt her absence like a block of ice resting behind my rib cage.

My leg had gone to sleep from hours of sitting on the hard window seat and I limped over to the drinks cabinet and poured myself a generous measure of whiskey. It was a single malt that Chris really liked and I rolled it around inside my mouth letting the fumes drift up my nose and feeling the gentle fire as I swallowed the pale golden liquor.

I lit the fire but neither the whiskey nor the burning logs could drive the chill from my heart and I sat shivering on the hearth rug with a blanket wrapped around me.

I woke in the early hours stiff and cold. The fire had burned down and I hauled myself up and walked to the bedroom turning off lights as I went. When the house was in darkness I realised something was wrong – there was light coming into the house from outside. I don't have close neighbours and there are no street lights around the lake so where was the light coming from?

Pulling the blanket tightly around me I opened the front door and peered out. I stood there trembling as I recognised the shape of Chris' car halfway down the long driveway from the road. The engine was switched off but the lights were on & I nervously walked towards it in the darkness. The car was empty, but as I looked in the direction of the headlights I saw her standing on the jetty staring out over the lake, the car lights picking out the drops of rain that were soaking the light summer jacket she had put on so hurriedly that morning.

I walked towards her and as I moved in front of the car and disturbed the beams of light she turned, startled, and stared at me as I walked forward not knowing what to expect.

"Hey"

"Kate"

"You're getting pretty wet there, want to share my blanket?"

"No, I don't deserve to be comfortable."

It was then I saw the redness rimming those beautiful eyes and the streaks of mascara running down her face. She looked so lost and pitiful that my own hurt and anger melted away and I walked over and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she struggled lamely to push me away. Leading her into the house I sat her down on the sofa and added logs and kindling to the embers of the dying fire and poured Chris a large glass of the same whiskey I'd been drinking earlier.

As the fire started to catch and crackle I left Chris with her thoughts and went and heated up the homemade soup we had been going to have for lunch. I was at a loss as to what to say to her, my own thoughts were whirling through my brain but I somehow instinctively knew it was better not to ask too many questions or push her to talk to me until she was ready.

Chris and I had always been honest and open with each other and no subject had ever been taboo apart from that part of her past that had caused her to harden her heart. Even after 5 years I had no understanding of why she had made such a conscious decision to stay so self-reliant and not allow anyone too close.

I walked back into the living room carrying a tray laden with big bowls of hearty soup, crusty bread and steaming mugs of tea. Chris had drunk the whiskey and was sitting staring at the fire cradling the empty glass in her hands. She didn't look up at me as I placed the tray on the coffee table and she didn't even seem to notice when I took the glass from her hands. She was shivering badly despite the heat now coming from the roaring fire, so I took the damp blanket from around her shoulders and replaced it with a huge warm fluffy towel. I tried to suggest that she get changed into dry clothes, but it was as if I wasn't there and she stared straight through me at the flames.

I sank to the floor and slowly scooted closer to her until I was sat at her feet. I lifted the bowl of soup and filled a spoon with the warming broth and raised it to her lips. At first she ignored me but I persisted until she reluctantly opened her soft lips to let me feed her. After about half the soup was gone she finally looked at me; the sobs started gently but soon turned into wracking heaves that looked like they would tear her in two.

I slipped up onto the sofa beside her and gently pulled her into my embrace, shushing and soothing her in an attempt to calm her distress and it seemed to be working until suddenly she jumped up off the sofa shedding the towel and stood glaring at me.

"How can you do this? How can you be so fucking nice and good to me after what I did to you this morning? Why don't you just tell me to get out of your house and go fuck myself?"

My own tears were now coursing down my face as I stared at those big brown eyes that were flashing with anger – at me or at her I couldn't tell.

"Because I love you" I choked "I've always bloody loved you, from the first moment you came sashaying across the dance floor I've loved you. Since you turned my life upside down and taught me who I am I've loved you. What I don't understand is how you could think I would want to be anything BUT good to you!"

"I'm sorry Chris, I worship the bloody ground you walk on and maybe that's unhealthy but it's the way it is. Why the hell can't you just be straight with me? If you don't love me then fine – walk back out into the rain and never come back, but if you do then start talking. Something must have made you come back here tonight and I'm hoping it was me!"

I hadn't meant to shout at her but the force of my words shocked the anger from her face and she slumped back down to the sofa.

"Talk to me girl, who the hell broke your heart so badly that you're prepared to walk away from the last 5 years of happiness just in case it happens again?"

"You'd hate me just as I hate myself for letting it happen. I want to tell you but I'm scared. Can I sleep on it and deal with it tomorrow?"

I decided that even this was progress of sorts so that night as I lay on my own in bed listening to Chris tossing and turning on the sofa I prepared myself for anything that she had to say the next day but was determined that she was going to finally tell me what was going on.

I woke to a thunder clap that sounded as though Hades had been torn in two. The pale morning light was suddenly bright with lightening and another deeper, longer rumble of thunder made my chest vibrate.

I turned over and instinctively reached for Chris' body before I woke fully and the day before came cascading back into my mind unbidden.

I lay perfectly still, holding my breath as I listened for the sounds of Chris sleeping on the sofa but I could hear nothing. I sat up in bed already knowing she had left and as I looked out of the bedroom window and saw the empty space where her car had been my worse fears were confirmed.

"Goddammit!" I threw myself back down onto the pillows and pulled the duvet over my head, startled as something slid down from the pillows and touched my neck.

I stared at the envelope for a long time trying to muster the strength to open it. Just the word 'Kate' was written on the front in that familiar untidy scrawl I had come to recognise so well. I felt sure I knew what it contained and was saddened to think that after all this time Chris hadn't had the guts to speak to me in person and had dumped me via a 'dear john' letter. Maybe I should throw it onto the fire! I stormed out of bed and into the lounge but quickly realised that the fire had died out hours ago so in resignation I tore then envelope open and removed the contents.

'My Darling Kate,

How can I ever apologise enough to you? How can I ever be what you want me to be when I can't be free? If I tell you all will you hate me for my selfishness?

I realise that you deserve to know the truth, so here goes....

3 years before I met you I had my first lesbian encounter with a girl I shared a flat with when I got my first job. She seduced me and made me realise what could be much as I did for you, but with one crucial difference – I didn't love her. Unfortunately it seems that she did love me, so what I deemed to be a fun exciting adventure was a true romance for her. It's no excuse but I was young, and as I'd recently been awakened to the possibilities I wanted to try out my new found sexuality.

I won't bore you with the details but she came home early from work one day to find me in bed with another woman and walked in through the front door just as I was experiencing a screaming orgasm with my lover's face between my legs.

The argument that followed was horrible and it became obvious very quickly that what I saw as I bit of an adventure she took as I lasting monogamous relationship; the result was that I moved out of the flat immediately and went to stay with friends. She called me constantly, asking how she could put things right, begging me to go back, saying she would be what I wanted her to be but I seldom took her calls and when I did I was cruel to her – telling her to stop stalking me.

Then one day she sent me a red rose with a note saying that if I didn't go back to her then I could lay the rose on her grave. I thought that was the most manipulative thing in the world and I agreed with my friends when they said I should ignore it – she was just playing for sympathy.

I turned out that I was wrong. One of her friends found her the next day and she'd swallowed a bottle of pills and drunk a whole lot of vodka, she died on the way to the hospital.

So – now you know my dirty, guilty little secret. I know how bad it can be when you let yourself love completely because I was once loved that way and I let them down, and I've been living with the consequences ever since.

I'm scared of loving someone so much that I could be hurt badly enough to take such drastic action and I don't think I deserve to be happy when I've denied that happiness to someone else.

I'm sorry I wasn't straight with you sooner; I should never have let you believe I was worth your love.

Take care my darling,

C

xxx

The tears were streaming down my face as I read the letter over and over again. My god, she hadn't had her heart broken – she was guilty of breaking someone else's heart. Of all the things I'd been preparing myself for this had never crossed my mind.

I reached for the phone and hit speed dial 1 and after what seemed like an age her groggy voice came on the line with a wary "Hey"

"Hey yourself girl, where the hell are you?"

"Didn't you get my note?"

"Oh yeah, I got it. I read it too and I still adore you! I wish you'd talked to me about this earlier babe, you've been carrying all that guilt around with you and you have to let it go. And you certainly don't have to worry about me breaking your heart in that way because it just won't happen; now get your arse back here and talk to me while I cook us a proper breakfast"

The silence on the other end of the line was deafening and I thought I'd somehow blown it again, but eventually she said "Honey there's something I have to do before I come home, can you give me a couple of hours?"

"Sure, call me when you're nearly here" and she was gone.

After a leisurely bath I tidied the house and did a few odd jobs but my mind kept wandering and I couldn't focus on any task for more than a few minutes. Eventually the phone rang and I grabbed it quickly when I saw Chris' number on the display.

"Where are you baby?"

"I'll be there in about 30 minutes if you're still sure you want me to come back?"

"I'm not going to say this again – I want you back here right now and I want you to talk to me when you get here, but we'll do it slowly at your pace, ok?"

"OK, listen I've spent most of the last day and a half in the car would you run me a bath? And Kate – I do love you""

The sound of Chris' car on the gravel sent me flying to the door and she looked so dishevelled and tired it was all I could do not too crush the breath from her lungs as I hugged her to me.

I led her to the bathroom and tried to help her undress but she became shy and coy and said she could manage. Chris had never, ever objected to me undressing her before and I must have looked worried but she smiled a tired smile at me, kissed me gently and told me not to worry.

I left her to take her bath while I cooked us a huge brunch of bacon, eggs, sausages, mushrooms, tomatoes and toast and made an enormous pot of strong tea.

Chris came into the kitchen wrapped in a big fluffy robe and her soft fluffy brown hair was damp and spiky.

I placed an enormous plate of food in front of both of us neither of us spoke until we had eaten our fill and had made up for not eating properly the day before.

"God I needed that, thanks Kate" and she took my hand across the table and turned it over so she could kiss my palm.

"Want to talk yet?" I asked gently

"I want to talk, and I want you to listen and only speak when I ask you a question. I will tell you everything but there's something else I need to say first, is that ok?"

"Like I said, at your own pace Babe

Chris led me to the sofa and sat me down, I expected her to sit with me but she started pacing the living room nervously. I started to say something but she shushed me impatiently, reminding me of my promise to listen.

"Do you love me Kate? I mean not just love me, but are you IN love with me?"

"Yes Chris, I love you with all my heart"

"Can you forgive me for keeping my secret from you for five whole years?"

"Yes baby, I'd like to help you get over it"

"Do you have any regrets about the last 5 years?"

"Hell no! I wouldn't have wanted to spend them with anyone else"

"I was your first girl; are you sure you don't want to see what it's like out there before you commit yourself to me?"

"I've been committed to you from day one – if I wanted to sow my wild oats I'd have done it by now! Listen Chris, ...."

"Will you marry me" she blurted out cutting me off mid sentence

"What?"

And as she sank down to sit with me on the sofa she pulled the most beautiful Celtic ring from the pocket her robe. "I know you don't like diamonds and bling, but I thought you'd like this? Please marry me? I've been so stupid; I nearly threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you Kate, spend the rest of your life with me?"

Her eye's shone as she searched my face for an answer. The grin that spread across my face said it all and she held me tightly to her until she became puzzled by my laughter.

I jumped up and ran to the bedroom, returning with a small blue box which I handed to her as I sat down. Her face was a picture of bewilderment as she opened the box and found a plain white gold band inside with 'Be mine' inscribed inside.

"When I asked you to make me yours yesterday I was leading up to giving you that – I was gong to ask you to marry me!"

We fell into each other's arms and as our lips came together there was no hesitation; just an urgency and desire to put the worry and hurt of the previous day behind us and to celebrate a new level of understanding.

Chris pushed me back onto the sofa and covered my body with hers while our tongues danced and probed as we kissed like teenagers. I reached up between us and cupped Chris's left breast in my hand and she winced with pain.

"What's the matter, are you hurt?"

"Not any more" and she pushed the robe off her shoulders and let it fall open to her waist. The beautiful little broken heart tattoo had been mended and made whole, and my name had been added underneath. It brought tears to my eyes to see her sore skin and I knew I loved her more in that moment than ever before.

"Come to bed baby" and I took her hand and led her to the bedroom where I stripped her of the robe and let my own clothes fall to the floor in a heap.

There was a real tenderness in our lovemaking and we lay on our sides facing each other as we gently stroked each other's bodies while staring into each others eyes. As Chris took my nipple between her thumb and finger I gasped "I remember the first time you did that – it still drives me insane" and she bent her head to take the other nipple into her mouth to nibble and suck teasingly until I was moaning with desire. Reluctantly I pulled her away from my breasts and buried my face in the soft skin of her neck and kissed her gently as I slid my hand down and over her flat tummy, brushing lightly over her mound. I flicked my tongue against her ear and as I whispered "You are gorgeous and you're mine" to her I let my index finger travel lower and slip between her folds. She almost purred as I stroked my finger up and down the slick wetness of her pussy, and when she realised I was travelling down the bed she instinctively lay back and spread her legs for me.

Without letting my finger stop teasing her I lay between her legs and kissed the inside of her thighs, nipping the skin lightly but never allowing my face to touch her beautiful pussy. I knew this would drive her insane and when I decided to show mercy I lifted her arse in my hands and started to lick slowly from the base of her spine, lingering a little at her arsehole, all the way along her slit until I got to her clit which was swollen and divine. Chris was pushing her sex into my face, demanding more and I was all too happy to provide. I mashed my nose against her clit as I lapped hungrily at the sweet juices that were pouring from her. I used my hands to force her legs further apart, and thrust my tongue as deeply into her pussy as it would go, thrusting it in and out until my face was covered with her wonderful nectar and her pussy was bucking against my mouth.

Chris' moans were getting louder and her breathing was fast and shallow; the sight and taste of her was driving me toward my own climax so I wrapped my tongue around her clit and filled her sopping pussy with 3 fingers which I stroked in and out of her while my other hand reached up to toy with her engorged nipples. The faster I fucked her with my fingers the more she cried out and as her whole body went rigid and she cried out "Shit, Kate YEEESSSSS" I felt my own spasms rock through me.

The storm continued to rage outside but we didn't notice it. I laid Chris back on the bed and straddled her face dipping my juice onto her chin while I leant down and lapped up her cum. She fucked me hard with her tongue and as if by agreement we both wetted fingers in each other and inserted them simultaneously into each other's arses. Our climaxes were fast and violent but we didn't stop until we were both thoroughly spent.

We lay in each other's arms for a long time just relishing the feel of each other, until we both drifted off to sleep in an exhausted state of pure bliss.

I woke a couple of hours later and turned to look out of the window over the lake. Chris felt me move and wrapped her arms around me and pulled me back into her so she was spooning me. The sun was shining over the glassy smooth lake making it sparkle like liquid diamonds.

"Hey gorgeous, I can hear you smiling from back here, what are you thinking?"

"That the sun is shining again and everything is right with my world."