Mason Ch. 08

"Not bad." Toni replied.

She took Mason's coffee cup, took it to the sink and dumped it out.

"Want some of mine? I've got plenty." she offered.

Mason remembered the last time that he turned her down for a drink and had no desire to make the same mistake twice.

"Thank you, I would like that." he said.

He signed gratefully with the first sip.

"This is so much better, do I taste cinnamon?" he asked.

"You do, my mother has been flavoring her coffee long before 'star bucks' and some of the others made their money doing it." Toni replied.

"How are your parents and Jamie?" Mason asked genuinely interested. He liked Barbara and Ben and Jamie he found to be delightful.

"They're all fine, I think Jamie is dealing with my first night away from home better than I am though." she said with an embarrassed smile. "I've called home once an hour since I got here." she added.

Mason smiled at her, "That's perfectly normal." he said.

"I know, but we'll adjust." she replied as she stood to go. "I'm going to go put my feet up for awhile, see you later."

Mason watched her walk away and realized another mistake that he had made when he first saw Toni, he hadn't seen her uniqueness, he had transferred Katrina's image onto her. They were approximately the same height and weight but that's where the physical similarities ended. Toni's skin tone was a darker, richer brown and her eyes were more almond shaped but a lighter brown. Her lips were slightly fuller than Katrina's and her hair of a coarser grade that she wore cut short.

Their personalities were not even remotely alike, Katrina was shy and reticent while Toni was outspoken and did well in new situations, tonight proved that. None of those differences took away from Katrina but they were differences that he should have seen the very first time that he laid eyes on Toni. He was beginning to understand Toni's feelings of guilt about wasted time a little more but he also believed that they both needed to take their separate journeys in order to come together. His main regret was that Toni had to go through so much pain. He felt a pang of guilt about that but he was coming to believe more and more that maybe he was supposed to refuse that drink. He simply wasn't ready to love and care for anyone other than Katrina at that time.

"Fucking fates." he muttered as he finished his coffee and went back to work.

******

Toni lay on her cot and wondered why Mason would give up a private practice to come to the hospital. She knew what he said and believed it but there was more to it. It was the same feeling she got when he lied about why he hadn't sent her a bill for his services when he treated her. She also remembered that the check had never been cashed, the next time she saw him, she would ask him about it.

She also wondered why he had never married; he seemed the kind of man that would be good to a woman but then again, maybe not. Maybe Dr. Mason Donahue was a player. She could see that and had no doubt that every nurse that was single was probably trying to think of a reason to call him. It had been that way with James too; at first, it had bothered her until James started teasing her about Jeffrey Nixon RN.

"Come on sweetness." He would say. "Jeffrey Nixon RN has the hots for you. He calls every night that you're on call or when he thinks you are. You should hear his voice when it's me and not you who answers the phone."

Toni hadn't believed him until she started paying closer attention and James had been right. Jeffrey called without fail whenever they took call, after that she stopped commenting on the number of calls James got from what she teasingly called his "adoring fans."

Toni was finding that remembering the things that they had talked about or even fought about were becoming a source of comfort to her although there was still a small amount of pain that came with that comfort. She was finally healing.

The end of the shift was over. She reported off as fast as she could and rushed home to find Jamie already up and waiting for her with smiley faced pancakes ready. Toni dropped her bag, hugged and kissed him all over his face until giggling he wriggled away from her.

"I missed you!" she told him as she grabbed him again.

"How'd it go?" Barbara asked.

"Ok but I'm glad that I'm not working my nights in a row." Toni replied as she kissed her mother and then her father on the cheek. "You won't believe whose working there now, Mason Donahue. I saw him last night." Toni added as she sat down to share a pancake with Jamie.

"Really?" her mother said. "I thought that he was strictly private practice." she added.

"So did I but he said something about going back to his roots." Toni replied before taking a sip of milk.

At the mention of Mason's name, Barbara got a good feeling and smiled. Ben noticed and knew what that smile meant. Barbara was going to try to play matchmaker, she had done it before and with bad results and a very angry Toni to boot. Ben shook his head no and mouthed the word at the same time both of which Barbara chose to ignore.

As soon as Toni kissed Jamie before her father took him to preschool and went to bed, Barbara went to the basement and called Mason.

"Hello?" Mason said answering on the first ring.

"Dr. Donahue? This is Barbara Greene, Toni's mother."

Mason sat up, alarmed he hadn't spoken to Barbara in months and when he did it involved Toni needing help of some kind.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

"It's fine." Barbara replied easing his anxiety.

"Good, what can I do for you?" he asked.

"Toni told me that you're working at the hospital now. That must be quite a change for you." Barbara said.

"It is but I've worked in hospitals before and I still have my practice." Mason replied wondering why she had really called.

"Well good for you. I was wondering if you would like to come for a good home cooked meal. I'm sure living alone as you do that you don't get too many of those." Barbara said.

Mason accepted the invitation not mentioning that he was a gourmet cook but offered to bring dessert.

"That would be nice but nothing with nuts; Toni is allergic to most nuts." Barbara replied.

Dinner was set for six that evening, after the fact Mason wondered if Toni knew that her mother was going to invite him to dinner. He suspected not, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead of resting, he went to the kitchen to decide what to make for dessert, he finally decided on a caramel apple cheesecake. It was a dessert that he rarely made and then only for special occasions and having dinner with Toni and her family definitely met that requirement.

******

Toni woke up to the sound of Jamie giggling and knew that her father was entertaining him. The next thing she noticed was the smell of roast beef cooking. Toni frowned, her mother only cooked a roast for special occasions and there was nothing-special happening unless it was in celebration of her returning to work. Toni stretched; lay in bed for a few more minutes before heading toward the shower. After her shower, she dressed in her comfy sweats noticing that they weren't so loose on her anymore.

Toni gave herself a once over and left her bedroom only to find that the reason for Jamie's giggles wasn't her father but Mason. In that moment, it all became clear, her mother was matchmaking again. Barbara had mentioned Mason in passing several times over the past several months but Toni had ignored the hints. She also knew that Barbara liked Mason and had from the start. Toni gave her mother a withering glare before greeting Mason.

"Hi, I didn't know that you were coming to dinner."

"Your mother was kind enough to invite me I hope that, it's alright." Mason said.

"No it's not" Toni thought to herself but said, "Sure."

Mason wasn't fooled, she was angry and he really couldn't blame her but it did give him an 'in' with her.

"Dr. Donahue, I mean Mason made a caramel apple cheese cake for dessert. Apparently he likes to cook." Barbara announced.

Toni didn't reply but turned her attention to Jamie.

"Come here you and give your mommy a kiss." she said.

Jamie left Mason's side and ran to Toni, throwing his arms around her when he reached her.

"Love you mommy!" he said as he kissed her cheek.

"Love you too, now go wash your hands." Toni said kissing him back.

When he was out of earshot, Toni turned to Mason.

"I'm sorry about my reaction, it really isn't you. Mom has been after me to get out and socialize and I think she's playing matchmaker."

"No apologies are necessary; I could leave if you're uncomfortable with me being here."

"No, it's fine, I was just surprised although I shouldn't be." Toni replied.

Dinner actually went quite well considering the way it happened. Mason had no doubt that Barbara Greene was in for an earful when he left but as for himself, he was grateful to her and hoped to tell her that someday.

Mason was right; he hadn't even gotten into his car when Toni confronted her mother.

"You had no right to do that without at least warning me!" Toni said.

"Did you want me to wake you up to tell you that we were having company?" Barbara asked.

"Don't even try it mom, you knew before I went to bed that you were going to invite him." Toni said hotly.

"Alright! I admit it but Toni he's a nice man and..."

"Mom, don't do that again, I don't care to be set up with him or anyone else for that matter." Toni replied.

Unable to hold her tongue any longer Barbara asked, "And if I had asked you what would you have said? You would have said no is what. I'm proud that you've gone back to work but Toni, it's time for you to start meeting people and doing things besides sitting at home."

"Jamie...."

"Jamie needs his mommy that's true but don't use that as an excuse for becoming a social hermit." Barbara said interrupting him.

"I'm not..."

"Yes you are." Barbara interrupted. "At some point that little boy is going to need a male figure and before you mention your father and James' father, I don't know if you've noticed but they're getting older and they won't be around forever. I'm not saying that you should find someone just for that reason but I'm saying that you need to take that into consideration."

Toni didn't say anything in response, she knew that her mother was right but somehow to think about going out with someone seemed like a betrayal to James. Intellectually she knew that she wasn't betraying him and that he would want her to try to find someone to be with but emotionally just thinking about it felt like a betrayal and she wasn't even sure that she could be with anyone else without comparing them to James.

She helped Jamie get ready for bed, read him a bedtime story and tucked him in. After he was settled, Toni went to her bedroom bypassing her parents in the living room. She didn't want to talk about her social life with them, her mother specifically.

She lay on her bed and closed her eyes, opening them when she heard the door to her bedroom open. Her father sat on the bed beside her.

"Your mother, she means well." he said taking her hand in his.

"I know but daddy, I'm scared." Toni replied.

"Of what?" Ben asked already knowing the answer.

"It's not only that I'm scared, but James has only been gone for two years! I feel like I would be betraying him somehow if I started going out again. And what happens if I meet someone and they die? I can't go through that again." Toni said crying.

"Baby girl, I wish that I could tell you that it wouldn't or couldn't happen again but what I can tell you is that James was a good man and I loved him because he loved you. I also know that he wouldn't want you to spend your life alone and that if you found someone, it would make him happy." Ben said.

"How come it doesn't sound so pushy when you say it?" Toni asked through her tears.

Ben laughed, "Your mama says things as she sees them without thinking about how it might feel to the other person and that's only because she cares. But, Toni she's right. It's time for you to start reentering the social world. Work will help with that some but life can't just be about work."

"I know and I promise to think about it." Toni replied.

*****

Two nights later, Toni was at work and in a way, she was relieved. She needed a break from her mother and was almost wondering if it wasn't time for them to go back to Florida. The issue was that there was no one that she really trusted with Jamie. Wanda was off at college in her second year and doing well. That was another thing that James had done before he died, he set aside a trust fund for Wanda so that she could go to any school that she wanted without having to work. She would be the only one that Toni trusted with Jamie, she had to give this some more thought. She was also getting tired of her mother suggesting that she sell the house for a smaller one.

"Mom, please!" Toni said and then walked away exasperated.

Barbara watched Toni walk away and knew that she had done it again.

The final straw came when Barbara took it upon herself, to watch the final disc that James had made for Toni. She wanted to know what Toni thought was on it that scared her so much. Her rationale was that if she knew what was on it she could assure Toni that it wasn't anything horrible. Barbara knew that she was playing with fire but she convinced herself that she was doing it for Toni and that Toni would understand.

Barbara waited until Toni left for work and Jamie and Ben were in the basement playing before she took the box down from the shelf. She looked at the disc for long minutes before she put it in the player. Seconds later James' image filled the television screen. The video started out as it always did with James saying "Hi Sweetness!" after that the mood of the video changed.

"Sweetness, if you're watching these then I'm gone..."

"What are you doing?" Toni said from behind Barbara. "Take it out now!" she screamed.

"Toni, I was...."

"Take it out!" Toni said and ran to her bedroom.

Ben hearing the yells through the open basement door came upstairs thinking that something terrible had happened. He looked at Barbara and then the television screen and groaned.

"I was just trying to help." she said morosely.

"Barbara, listen to me." Ben said gently. "I know that you love Toni and want what's best for her but you have got to leave her alone. You have got to let her work on things in her own way and on her own time and stop pushing her."

"I just thought that if I watched it first then I could tell her that it was nothing for her to be afraid of." Barbara said as tears rolled down her face. "I should go talk to her."

"No, let me, you watch Jamie." Ben said quietly.

He found Toni pacing furiously; she didn't notice him until she turned around and faced the door.

"I didn't mean to yell at her like that." Toni said softly. "It's just that I wasn't ready to see that disc yet."

"I know and for what it's worth, your mom feels pretty bad about what she did. I just told her that she had to leave you alone." Ben said.

"I get it, I really do." Toni said, "I know that I'm not as far along as she wants me to be, I know that she thinks that I should have watched that disc by now but that doesn't give her the right to watch it before I did. It's not up to her to decide how long I should grieve or for her to decide when I should be thinking about dating again." Toni said.

"You're right." Barbara said from the doorway. "I'm sorry that I pushed so hard but I only did it because I wanted you to be happy again like you were with James. I know that the last disc scared you so I decided to watch it so that I could have a heads up about what was on it. I wanted to be able to help you whenever you decided to watch it. Toni, I'm sorry."

Toni took a deep breath before she spoke.

"I've been doing some thinking lately." She said. "You've been here with me for a little over two years now and I think it's time for me to stand on my own two feet."

Barbara and Ben looked at each other and then back at Toni.

"You've given up two years of your life to take care of Jamie and I and I think it's time that you started living your lives again." she added.

"Toni, is this because of me?" Barbara asked.

"No, well not entirely." Toni replied.

They talked late into the night and came up with a compromise, Barbara and Ben would either rent or sell their place in Florida and would move to San Diego but would have their own place. That way they could continue to watch Jamie when Toni was at work and it would decrease Barbara's inclination to interfere. Ben would call the realtor in the morning to get things moving and Toni and Barbara would start looking for a place.

Even if the incident with the disc hadn't happened, Toni realized that it was way past time for her to start living alone without James. She lay awake long after her parents had gone to bed unable to forget about the words that she heard, "Sweetness if you're watching this then I'm gone."

Toni got out of bed, went to the living room and took the box of discs down from the shelf. Reluctantly she took the last disc out of the box and carried it to her room. Toni stood in front of the television for what seemed to be forever before slipping the disc into the player. She picked up the remotes, walked over to the bed and sat down. She closed her eyes, opened them and turned the television and DVD player on and hit play.

James' face filled the screen, Toni felt as if he was looking directly at her when he started speaking.

"Hi Sweetness!" he greeted as he always did. "Sweetness if you're watching this then I'm gone. I just wanted to tell you a few more things the first being as always is that I love you and Jamie. Thank you for the best years of my life and unbelievably I'm including the three years of break-ups and reconciliations. You have to know that I never, ever planned to leave you in any way. I knew from the first time I saw you that there would never be anyone else for me but you, it was going to be you or no one and we won't even talk about the night I got so drunk that I almost went home with what's her name-oh yes Kim. Anyway, I want to dispel a few fallacies that I'm certain that you will have. The first thing is this; there was nothing that you could have done to save me. It was simply my time to go. If I know you, it will be something that you will agonize and beat yourself up over. Secondly, I don't want you to grieve for me for too long, you are a beautiful and amazing woman and I have been blessed to have been able to love you and have a baby with you. The third thing is that I want you and Jamie to be happy, take Jamie to all of the places that we talked about and enjoy them for me. Finally, I don't want you to be alone, I want you to find someone to love and who will love you in return. I don't want you to feel guilty about it or think that somehow you're betraying me because you're not and you won't be. Somewhere there's a man who will love and care for you in my place, if he finds you, let him love you. If I were standing with you, I would make you promise me that you'd do as I asked but I can only go on faith that you will. Ok, I guess that's all I have to say except sweetness, I love you and Jamie so much and I'm so sorry that I had to leave you. Good bye sweetness."

Tears ran down Toni's face. Even in death, James took care of her and released her to love again if she chose to.

"James, I love you too." she murmured.

******

Mason was almost to his resting state when his eyes flew open. Something concerning Toni had just happened. He didn't get the feeling that it was a bad thing whatever it was; he would have to wait until he saw her again to find out what it was. Content that Toni was safe, he closed his eyes.