Matchmaker Bandit Novel Pt. 01

I sat in the lobby wondering what was going on for almost an hour when Howard came back out, briefcase in hand and a shit-eating grin that ran from ear to ear on his face.

He opened his briefcase, took out some papers and handed them to me.

"What's that?" I asked.

Opening the papers, he turned to the last page and pointed to a signature on the bottom line and said, "That my friend is your signed uncontested divorce in which your soon-to-be ex-wife agrees to accept money taken as her divorce settlement. And, this is a copy of a plea agreement she just made with the district attorney's office in which she agrees to testify against 'King' in return for the attempted murder charges being dropped against her."

"How the hell did you manage to pull that off?" I asked in astonishment.

Still smiling, he said to me, "First, I told Detective Rollins that you had hired me to represent your wife and then I demanded to see her. Then, when I got her alone, I told her that you would not testify against her if she would sign the divorce papers and agree to testify against 'King'. She went for it! After that I told Detective Rollins that she was willing to testify in exchange for immunity from prosecution."

"Is that legal?" I asked him.

He stepped close enough to whisper again, "Just between you and me, legal yes. Someone will have a hard time proving a conflict of interests as I represented both my clients to the best of my ability. You got your divorce and she stays out of jail. Ethical? Not in a pig's eye but sometimes ethics have nothing to do with justice? When I explained to her that this was a state in which the party found guilty of adultery takes nothing from the marriage, she realized there was no reason to fight the divorce and every reason to agree to it. I'm just sorry that you had to lose as much as you did. By the way, you will never see a bill from me for representing her so don't look for one."

And just like that, Joyce was out of my life forever. Howard told me she didn't even shed a tear when 'King' pled guilty and accepted a fifteen years sentence for shooting me. Ain't love grand?

One month later I was a free man in every aspect.

Not only had I received the finalized divorce papers in the mail the previous Friday, thus freeing me from the bounds of matrimony, but I had just left my job for the last time secure in the knowledge that that very morning the E.S.O.P money had already been transferred into my retirement account, freeing me from the bonds of economic servitude.

It took a great deal of self-restraint when I left to keep from telling my boss exactly what he could do with my job.

I had already decided to supplement my monthly income by setting up a website and selling software via downloads on the Internet.

For the first time in years, I felt like I didn't have a care in the world when I walked into Dr. Jennings's office that Friday afternoon for my three-month follow-up after the shooting.

Chapter Six - "The Collection"

A week before I had delivered the requisite sperm sample to the lab at the hospital. I was there to find out definitively whether I was impotent.

It was the beginning of a long holiday weekend and Margo told me I was to be the last appointment of the day and we had plans to go out to dinner after she closed up the office.

I didn't have to wait long when I got there, the waiting room was already empty and when I was met by Margo personally, it occurred to me that the rest of the staff must have already left.

She seemed to force a smile when she whispered "Good luck" as she led me to the doctor's office.

When I got there, he greeted me politely and asked me to sit down. I heard the sound of the door closing softly behind us as he started speaking, "The test results are in and they are 100 percent conclusive. I am sorry to tell you, Mr. Collins, that as I feared, you are unable to father a child."

"Well, that's that." I said to him.

He seemed surprised by my response. He looked up at me and said, "Most men your age would not handle this so well; do you mind telling me why you are not upset by the news?"

"I've had a lot of time to think about it over the last few months. It won't change anything to let it bother me, and I can't change what has happened. If I do meet a woman who loves me, the one thing she will have to do is accept that this is the way I am. Odds are, at this stage in my live, any woman who is interested in me most probably will either have had children of her own or not want them."

He considered my words and then said, "That's a very practical way of looking at things, Mr. Collins. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me. Now if you don't have any questions, I have to be leaving." He pressed a button on a panel on his desk and then added, "Margo will process you out. I hope you have a happy life." And with that, he stood, shook my hand, put on his jacket, picked up my file and began walking me towards the door to his office just in time for Margo to open it from the other side. He handed her the file and walked past her. As he did he wished her a happy holiday weekend.

Just as Margo and I got to the nurse's station, I heard a door behind us close and realized we must be alone in the building.

She looked at me and I knew what she was thinking without her asking. I simply responded by taking my left hand and making a thumbs down motion. When she saw it she put the file she was holding and wrapped her arms around me and said to me softly, "I'm so sorry, Honey; they should have cut that bloody wanker's balls off for what he did to you!"

I put my arms around her, looked her straight in the eyes and said to her, "I'm not! I don't have to be able to make a baby to love a woman." I had just begun to kiss her when I heard a sultry female voice behind me say, "How romantic?"

It was followed by male voice saying, "I told you we should have waited a few more minutes; now there's two to tie up instead of one."

Seemingly ignoring us, the female said to her male companion, "From the looks of it, I think if we had we probably would have found those to wrapped in each other's arms and moaning in ecstasy on one of the examination room tables."

Margo and I were both surprised by the sound of unfamiliar voices coming from behind us and we turned around to see who was talking and there, standing before us, was a man and a woman.

The unknown woman was a buxom full figured brunette; about five foot eight inches tall and had long wavy hair that came down at least six inches past her shoulders. What could be seen of her face indicated that there was a quite beautiful woman behind the mask.

The male standing beside her was about six feet tall, had curly jet black hair and a beefy muscular body somewhat like that of a professional football player. The fake black beard and mustache he was wearing looked like it had come from a dime store Halloween costume.

Were they both now pointing pistols at us, I would have laughed at the utter obscurity of his disguise. In his other hand, the man was holding a large canvas bag similar to that used by workmen to carry their tools.

They were both dressed in white lab coats and each was wearing a cheap plastic Lone Ranger mask on their faces.

Embarrassed by the strangers statement, a blushing Margo said to them, "If you've come for the drugs we don't keep enough here to make it worth your while and the prescription pads are useless to you because all the druggist now electronically verify every prescription before filling it so you're wasting your bloody time."

"First, before we go any farther, you may call me Ms. White and my companion here Mr. Black. And so there's no confusion, we aren't here for the drugs. We're here to steal the good Doctor's collection!" responded the female intruder.

A strange look suddenly came over Margo's face and she said, "What collection?"

"Don't play coy with me. I happen to know that you have been signing for the shipments he's been receiving." Responded the buxom female.

Margo fidgeted nervously as she said to the beautiful bandit, "I don't know what you could possibly be talking about." Margo said nervously. I know I wasn't convinced and I wondered if the two robbers were?

"I told you don't play coy with me. We've been watching you for months so take us to where he has it hidden; or, do I need to see if you have any sodium pentothal in one of these medicine cabinets around here and ask you both after it has had a chance to kick in?" The female bandit threatened.

Without hesitation, Margo replied to her, "That won't be necessary. I'll show you where it is. Just don't hurt us."

"Now that we've cleared that up, by all means, lead the way!" Ms. White said as she motioned down the hallway with her pistol.

I noticed that Mr. Black set the canvas bag down on the floor before following her.

Margo led us all to the doctor's office and then inside. When we were all inside, she said to Mr. Black, "You will need to close the door. It can't be accessed unless it's closed."

He looked over at Ms. White who nodded to him whereupon he closed it behind him.

Once Mr. Black had closed the door, Margo walked over to the bookcase that was behind the doctor's desk and removed a very large volume of what appeared to be a medical journal. Then, reaching her hand into the vacant space on the shelf, she seemed to turn something. When she did the wall holding the bookshelf to begin pivoting to one side just enough to create a four foot wide opening revealing a dark room beyond.

"Let's all see the goodies. After you." Ms. White said triumphantly.

With Margo once more leading the way, we all entered the room. She stopped for a second, then there was a click and the room was unexpectedly filled with light.

I stood there momentarily as my eyes took in the contents of the now illuminated room.

It was massive; the room must have been at least fifteen feet wide and seventy-five feet long. While the very fact that it had remained undetected was unique, what stood out the most were the room's contents, for running from one end to the other were four very long shelves.

Each shelf must have contained tens of thousands of vibrators, dildos and other device designed for self stimulation. I could tell that some were very old and other brand new.

I looked over at Margo and said, "How long have you know this was here?"

"Oh, I don't know. About six years now." She replied uncomfortably. "A shipment came in just as I was getting ready to go home one Friday when the doctor was supposed to be on vacation. He always unpacked the supply shipments personally. I just thought he wanted to make sure the count was right so I never questioned it. But with him out of the office, I decided to open it and restock the medical supplies myself so he wouldn't have to do it first thing the following Monday morning.

He walked in just as I was about to call the vendor and report what I thought was a shipping error. When he asked me to hang up the phone, I began to realize that there was no error at all. I told him so and he confessed that he had been collecting the stuff for years. He begged me not to tell anyone about it. He said if it ever got out it would ruin his reputation. As he's a damn good doctor, I didn't see any reason not to his keep collection a secret. At first, he would ask me to sign for the occasional shipments when he wasn't here, after a while, I was helping him catalog and file them."

"Excuse me," interrupted the female felon, "did you say you have been cataloging all this?"

It was obvious that Margo did not want to respond to the buxom bandit's inquiry when she said, "Yes."

"Computer or hard-copy?" Came the sultry voice once more.

When Margo replied "Both," I could tell from the tone of her voice that Margo was becoming increasingly annoyed by having to assist the bandits. Then she added, "He keeps one hard-copy here and another in a safety deposit box for the insurance company."

Margo continued, "Anyway, I had a lot of time on my hands with the divorce and the kids gone. At first, it was a way to pass the time away. But as time went on, I guess his hobby became my hobby. This collection is quite fascinating, actually. Do you know some of these are over two hundred years old? Why there is even a polished wooden vibrator that used to belong to Cleopatra in the glass case on the back wall!"

I had been in adult novelty stores but had never seen a collection this large. "This collection is huge, Margo! How long has he been accumulating it?"

"Oh, I don't know. For about the last twenty years or so. It seems he got the idea in medical school. It turns out that ever since the days of Hippocrates doctors used to treat 'hysterical' patients, women, by massaging the clitoris until they reached 'paroxysm' (orgasm).

In the 19th century it became a treatment for those diagnosed with hysteria and neurasthenia. It was a big money maker for the doctors.

Probably to save the wear on there hands that manually stimulating the clitoris was causing, they began experimenting with various methods and devices. Some of the early ones involved the use of spraying water to massage the clitoris.

Finally, in about 1880, a countryman of mine invented the first electric vibrator. From then on, lucky women were being buzzed to bliss in doctor's office everywhere. But they were not the only ones; there were even vibrators for men diagnosed with certain amorphous ailments."

She looked over at me just then and saw the look of astonishment on my face. As I was wondering how she had learned so much about the subject, she said to me nonchalantly, "Doctor Jennings loves to talk about it. I suspect the dear man knows more about than any man alive. He's quite a scholar on the subject."

"That's all very interesting. I really do wish I had time to hear more about it, but Mr. Black and I have places to go and things to steal. So if you'll kindly move to one of the examination rooms, we'll get started and be out of your hair in no time at all." Ms. White said energetically.

We all exited the storeroom and continued through the doctor's office into the hallway beyond. When I noticed Mr. Black pick up the canvas bag he had been caring, I couldn't help but worry what these two criminals had in mind for us as Margo and I entered the nearest examination room.

Chapter Seven - "The Examining Room"

"There are no locks on these doors and we can't have you walking around free while we are filling up the truck." Ms. White said to me. She paused a few seconds and then added, "I have to be sure that neither of you will be in a big hurry to go running outside screaming for the police at the top of your lungs. Therefore, I need both of you to take off all your clothes."

I looked at her in disbelief, then said, "What?" followed by Margo saying, "Are you totally daft?"

"No I am not! Now take off your clothes or do I have to have Mr. Black here break your boyfriend's arm?" she replied.

Her face now red, Margo said angrily to the vivacious villain, "Leave him alone you sodden cow! Can't you see he's been through enough already!"

"I'm sorry! I completely forgot where I am." Ms. White said to me with a tone of sincere apology in her voice. She continued, "It never occurred to me that you might be a patient. I assumed you were office staff and working late." Then turning to Margo she added, "Let me see his file"

Margo looked at her angrily and said, "It's back at the nurses station!"

"Mr. Black, please escort this young lady back to the nurses station while she retrieves the file." The buxom villain instructed her cohort.

They both returned about ten seconds later, Margo file in hand and the male bandit trailing not far behind.

Disgusted, Margo handed the female criminal the file.

As she took the file from Margo, Ms. White turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, would you show me some identification."

I retrieved my wallet from my back pocket and showed her my driver's license.

After looking at it for a second, she began reading it. Then she said to me, "Are you alright? You're not going to pass out on us or anything are you?"

Somewhat taken aback by the female robber's sudden change in demeanor, I replied, "Thanks, but I'm fine. I have healed quite well. In fact, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health today. I'm in perfect condition, other than having had a .22 caliber vasectomy that is."

"Excuse me?" The normally silent Mr. Black asked in obvious confusion.

Margo responded, "He came home early from work and was shot by the slime ball his whore of a wife was blowing. They both left him for dead."

"That's ex-wife Margo. The divorce papers were finalized last Friday." I corrected.

I noticed a little smile appear on Margo's face when she heard my words.

When the female bandit finished examining my file, she stood there with a look of both surprise and embarrassment on her face for several seconds. Finally, she looked at me and said, "While I'm honestly glad you are better, unfortunately, it leaves me no other option but to insist that you undress."

"Is that what really happened to this guy Ms. White?" Mr. Black said to his companion, his voice portraying a tone of disbelief.

Ms. White simply nodded affirmatively.

"Damn! That's pretty fucked up! Sorry to have to ruin your weekend buddy, but you're both going to have to do what she says." Mr. Black said to me.

Something told me he was both sincere in his apology and serious in his intent so I began undressing.

Margo, however, chose that moment to become combative and tried to make a lunge for Ms. White only to be caught by Mr. Black. He simply held her like a small rag doll in his powerful arms.

"Let go of me you overgrown rottweiler." she screamed at him but he simply held her fast in his powerful arms.

Ms. White seeing that I had stopped undressing seemed to be reading my mind. I could swear she knew that I was about to spring upon her for she turned her pistol on Margo and said to me, "This is no time to be a hero Kent, she might not be as lucky as you were!"

Seeing that the pistol was now aimed at Margo, I stood motionless.

It was then that Ms. White said to Margo in a very disquieting tone of voice, "You can either behave yourself or I can go find something in the medicine cabinets to calm you down. Which will it be?"

Margo stopped struggling.

"That's much better. Now, will you undress yourself or shall I have Mr. Black help you?" Asked Ms. White.

Margo looked back at Mr. Black who was smiling. Next she said, "Fine, just tell him to keep his wanking paws off me."

"I think you can let her go now Mr. Black." Ms. White said to her companion. Then she added, "Shall we try again? Why don't you two pretend you are playing doctor together and strip?" It was plain from the way she said it that it wasn't a question.

When I saw Margo slipping out of her dress, I began to undress myself.

The truth is that I lay awake more than one night lately wondering what she looked like beneath her clothing. While I had inwardly desired to feast upon her nude body, this was not exactly the way I wanted to do so.

Having already removed my shoes and pants, I was trying unsuccessfully not to think about her body when I was temporarily blinded by the tee-shirt as I pulled it over my head.

As I opened my eyes, I was stunned to see that she had already removed her bra and was now standing before me with the peaks of her firm bare bosom pointing straight at me.

The sight was too much for me and I instantly began sporting a raging erection. It didn't get any small when she lowered the very sexy black lace panties she was wearing and stood there a moment later fully nude except for a pair of long white nurse's stockings covering her legs. Even those looked gorgeous on her!