Menopause, a Chronicle

"Help you what?" The voice was angry and upset. She was headed into our bedroom so I only saw her from behind.

"Put clean sheets on the bed that was Shelly's."

"Why? Is someone going to sleep there?" The same tone, but she did stop walking away from me.

"Yes. I think clean sheets would be a good idea. The Cinderella sheets on that bed have been there for years. Since no little girls live here anymore I think we should throw Cinderella away."

"Someday there will be granddaughters."

"And they will want Little Mermaid sheets. New sheets, not twenty year old sheets."

"Which sheet s would you like on the bed?"

"Doesn't matter to me. It's your bed."

"What?" She turned to face me and her hands went to her hips.

I said, "I want you to understand something. I have enjoyed sleeping with you for thirty-three years. If you think I'm willing to sleep next to a woman who won't have sex with me, doesn't want sex with me, won't even consider having sex with me then you've totally lost your mind!" I had not intended to get emotional as I spoke, but at the end I raised my voice a little.

She stood in the hallway with her mouth open for a long time. I got tired of waiting and walked into our bedroom. I pulled two drawers from her chest of drawers and carried them to her new bedroom. I put them on top of the dresser already in the room. When I went back for more she was still in the hallway.

I got three more drawers and as I passed her I asked, "Will you at least pick out the sheets?"

She went into action. She got sheets and made the bed. She took her pillow from what was our bed and left the empty pillowcase on the floor beside my bed. She huffed and sighed as she got the bed made. I had all her drawers stacked in her new room. I started carrying her hanging clothes in and hanging them in her new closet. She started putting clothes in the drawers. I brought hanging clothes and took empty drawers back with me. Not a word was spoken.

When her clothes were all in her new bedroom I asked, "How soon can you get all your personal items out of the other bathroom?"

She stopped and said, "I need that bathroom. The light is better in there."

I opened my wallet and handed her three hundred dollars, cash. I said, "Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and buy the light you want in your bathroom. I'll install it tomorrow morning. My question stands. How soon can you get your things out of there?"

She grabbed the money and said, "Within an hour after you get the light installed!"

"Great. Thank you. If you want to use that bathroom tonight it's ok with me but please wear a robe when you go inside and wear a robe when you come out."

She walked past me and said, "You're being a bastard."

I asked, "What kind of woman stays married thirty plus years to a bastard?"

She kept going. When she left I watched her go. I knew she would be uncomfortable in Lowe's. She had leaned on me for many years for all the things Lowe's or Home Depot sold. While she was gone I spent the time in what was now my bedroom. I reinstalled the drawers in the chest of drawers, got a pillow from the linen closet and put the pillowcase on it, to replace the one Amanda had taken.

I made a list of things to do and another list of things to buy. When I heard Amanda come home I left my list on my bedside table and went to see what she bought.

I saw Amanda carrying the new fixture. Six lights on a bar. It would give her lots of light. She also had a smaller box with a new showerhead in it.

"Can you install them both?" She asked.

"If you're making dinner, they will be up before dinner is on the table."

"I'm making dinner." She said as she walked by me on her way to the kitchen. I tried not to watch her butt walk away. I watched anyway.

With my tools and fifteen minutes both fixtures were up, tested and working fine when Amanda called out, "Dinner!" I carried the trash out to the dumpster in the alley and came back in. My hands and face got washed and I sat down for dinner. She made Angel hair with a marinara meat sauce. She made garlic bread and put a big glass of iced diet Coke in front of me. She had a glass of red wine. I never drank wine, beer, or the hard stuff.

The dinner was good. I said so. She thanked me for saying so. When we were almost finished the phone rang. Amanda looked at me and I said, "Odds are good it's for you. You want to answer it or let it go to the machine?"

It went to the machine. It beeped and Kelly's voice said, "Mom? Dad? Are either of you home? I need to talk about coming to get my stuff." I reached for the phone. As I reached I said, "I think this call is for me."

Amanda reached over and hit the button making it a speakerphone call.

I said, "Hi Kelly. What do we need to discuss?"

"Dad! John doesn't want us to get any of the stuff! He says we did without it for as long as we've known each other and we don't need any of it." I heard in her tone that she didn't agree.

I said, "Ok. No problem. On Saturday I'll toss it all."

"Daddy!" She never called me Daddy unless she was attempting to wrap me around her finger. "That's not what I want."

"Talk to your husband. When the two of you agree, give me a call. I'm not in the middle on this. If you want any of it, come get it. If you need a truck, I'll drive. On Saturday anything left is trash."

"Can't you take care of it a while longer?" Her voice was the whine I hated. It usually caused her mother to cave in, not me. I asked, "It's been here for at least six years. How much longer?"

"I don't know."

"The answer is no. It's been long enough. If you wanted this stuff you'd have taken it years ago."

"I would have, but Mom didn't want us to take it." I looked at Amanda and she knew she was caught.

"All the boxes have your name on them. Scott and Shelly already got theirs." I hit the button and the line went dead. I went back to eating.

Amanda expected a comment or a confrontation about what Kelly had said. I didn't say anything. When I was done with dinner I washed my plate, glass and flatware. I packed the leftovers in plastic containers and washed the pots and pans. When I left the kitchen I said, "Thanks for dinner."

She said, "Thanks for doing the dishes."

She did her dish and then went to check out the new light and showerhead in her bathroom. I knew they worked fine so I didn't need to ask or follow her. I sat on the couch in the family room, not on the uncomfortable chair she had replaced my recliner with. As I looked at it I got angry. She had tossed my recliner without a conversation, a discussion or any consideration of me at all. I got up and went to my bedroom and closed the door. It was all of quarter to eight in the evening.

I sat on the side of the bed for a while, thinking. I heard Amanda walk past the door three times. Then, I heard a single knock. I said, "Yes."

"Can we talk?"

"Sure. Which room would you like us to meet in?"

"Our bedroom is fine."

"There is no our bedroom. Pick again."

There was a long pause. Long enough I thought maybe she had walked away. Finally she said, "The kitchen?"

"Fine." I opened the door and walked out of my bedroom. I closed the door as I left. Amanda stepped out of my way and then followed me to the kitchen. I sat in the chair I sat in for dinner for the last twenty-some years. She sat near me. I didn't speak.

She said, "I don't understand you. Nothing has really changed. It's been months since we had sex and you didn't throw me out of our bedroom. I've been having hot flashes and sweats for years. We still slept together. I still want to sleep with you!"

I didn't say anything. I waited.

Amanda put her hand on my arm. I pulled back and she withdrew it. "Now you don't like my touch? You used to."

"You used to like my touch. At least I believed you did. How did it feel when I drew back from your touch?"

"Horrible! I want to be able to touch you. I love you."

"I'd like to go to Mexico, I just don't want to go with you. Did you even consider how that would hurt me? No. You dropped that bomb and sat there in the truck for three more miles without saying another word! Please listen to me and listen carefully. I'd really like to be touched, kissed and snuggled, I just don't want it with you." I got up, opened the fridge, got a diet coke and opened it on my way to my bedroom.

The door to my bedroom stayed closed for the night. The next day I didn't see Amanda until dinnertime. I was in the garage when she opened the back door and said, "Your dinner is on the table." It was. She had eaten already and left the kitchen. I ate, cleaned up and went into the bedroom that had been Scott's. He didn't want any of the furniture. I got the bed and most everything else out and spent the rest of the evening getting the room ready to paint. A few times I heard Amanda moving around, but I didn't see her.

That was our pattern for the rest of the week. On Saturday a dumpster was delivered and I started getting the rest of the kids furniture into it. There were three beds. One was Shelly's and now Amanda's. I had no way of knowing which was the better, more comfortable bed. I knocked on Amanda's door.

"You want something?"

"Yes. A short conversation."

The door stayed closed and she asked, "Ok, talk."

"You've been sleeping on the bed that used to be Shelly's. There are two other queen-sized beds. Maybe one of the others would be more comfortable for you. If you'd rather have one of them I can make the swap now. Two of the beds are leaving today."

The door swung open and Amanda stood in front of me looking a mess. Her hair was a rat's nest. It was one in the afternoon and she was in a flannel nightgown and barefoot.

She said, "Why are you even offering? You slapped me hard the other day and now you want to be nice to me?"

"I've never slapped you in all the years I've known you. I'll never hit you. I want your life to work for you. You don't want me as your lover, your husband. You think that will make your life better? Ok. You win. I'm coping as best I can. You want to see which bed is best for you? Great. You want to pass? Great. I just offered."

I walked outside and tossed a few more things in the dumpster. She came out and tested both other beds. She said, "The one I have is the one I'll keep. Thanks for asking." She went back inside. I called Goodwill and they came and got both beds. I went to Home Depot and bought paint for the room I was ready to paint. I bought a warm green.

The rest of the weekend was spent painting and cleaning up. On Mondays I don't need to be at work until one. So, I went shopping in the morning. I ordered a flat screen TV, a recliner and a cabinet to hold DVD's and CD's. The recliner I bought was an extra wide. The cute saleslady showed me how comfortable it was, by sitting in it with me. There was plenty of room for both of us.

During the week I bought other things for what I was calling my man cave. I didn't ask Amanda for her opinion once. For all the years of our marriage I had painted every room in the house the color she picked or she and the kids picked. The man cave was mine.

On Friday two guys arrived and installed the flat screen TV. The cable guy showed up and they got it all working perfectly. That afternoon the recliner arrived. Amanda was at work. I closed the door to the cave and went to work myself. I left Amanda a note saying I would be late, no dinner for me.

Saturday I had the chance to sit down and watch a little TV in my cave, sitting in my new chair. I discovered I needed curtains or the TV had glare from the windows. I taped a piece of cardboard over the glass and watched two games.

Amanda had established a pattern of making dinner for us, eating and then leaving mine on the table for me. Two weeks passed without a word spoken between us. I saw glimpses of her, usually either leaving for work or coming home. If it was about dinner time and I went to the kitchen I saw her and any conversation I attempted was answered with as few syllables as possible.

One month after Amanda's birthday I saw her come out of her bedroom dressed in a dress and wearing heels. She looked very nice. I said, "Very nice. I'd guess you're going out."

"Yes. Kelly and Shelly have invited me to dinner. They haven't seen me in a while." She walked passed me and towards the back door. I said, "I'm supposed to be your husband and I haven't seen you in a while either." The back door closed. I didn't know if she heard me. I called Scott.

"What do your sisters think is going on over here?" I asked a few minutes into our conversation. He said, "I don't honestly know. I know Beth went to dinner with Shelly and Kelly tonight and I gathered Mom was invited. John, Matt and I are way outside the loop on this. We don't know anything."

"This has to change. I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this. Thanks, Scott." I hung up.

When I opened the door to my bedroom it hit me. The only thing different about the bedroom was that only one person slept in there. I backed out of there and got in my truck. Ten minutes later I walked into Bed, Bath & Beyond. I got a cart and found sheets, a comforter, new pillows, and two rugs. Then I saw towels and I bought three. Manly everything. I rolled the cart to the checkout and noticed that the checker was Alison Gray. Amanda and I had known Alison and Mike for many years. She and Mike raised there two sons while we raised our kids. Her husband died of a massive stroke while they were on vacation three years before I saw her in Bed, Bath and Beyond.

She smiled and said, "Shopping alone?" I nodded. She picked up each item and scanned them. As she bagged them she said, "These are very manly. Can I be nosey?"

"Sure. Ask away."

"These are the sheets and things a bachelor buys. Did something happen to Amanda?"

"Yes. Menopause happened. We now have different bedrooms. Since I don't get the bonus of a woman in my bed I don't see the need for pink sheets or little tiny flowers any more. This is what I like, this is what I'll have."

I paid the bill and as I picked up the two big bags Alison said, "I like forest green sheets." I almost dropped the bag. When I got home I carried the bags into my bedroom and heard Amanda arrive home. I closed the bedroom door and unpacked the bags. I started to fold the sales slip when I noticed a phone number written beside the checker's name on the slip. I wondered just what it meant. I knew what I made it mean but did it really mean what I thought it meant?

I left my bedroom and went to the kitchen. If there was going to be a confrontation I preferred the kitchen. I was in the kitchen when she came in. I said, "I hope you enjoyed dinner."

She stopped and said, "We did. Great conversation and no men."

"Does that mean that Shelly, Kelly and Beth have told their husbands there will be no more sex in their lives either?"

"No! It means it was nice being with just the ladies without worrying about what you men were thinking or doing."

"Do you have time for a small conversation with me right now?" I asked.

She started walking and said, "Not really. I'm tired and I want to go to bed."

As she left the kitchen I asked, "Then when?"

I heard her voice, "Tuesday. We can have dinner together."

"Perfect. I look forward to it." I raised my voice so she would hear me. She was walking down the hallway as I spoke.

The bags from Bed, Bath & Beyond were still sitting on the floor of my bedroom. I stripped the bed and bagged the old stuff in the BB&B bags. When the bed was made with all new sheets and things I stepped back and looked at it. It looked good. What looked weird were the other things in the room. I had a manly bed in a woman's room.

The curtains were white, frilly, with little holes in the material. The bedside lamps were ladylike. I don't know anything about curtains. An idea struck me and I realized asking Amanda to help me re-do the bedroom would be a mistake. I needed professional help. When I reached into my pocket for my cell phone so I could call Scott's wife for suggestions my hand hit the sales slip from BB&B. I saw Alison's phone number. I looked at the clock, decided it wasn't too late to call and dialed her number.

It rang twice. She answered, "Yes?"

"I hope I'm not calling at a bad time. This is Nick."

"No, it's a good time. Got the new sheets on the bed?" I heard a grin in her voice.

"Yes, and they point to a problem I didn't know I had. The rest of the bedroom is too girly. I don't know anything about making curtains, do you?"

"Yes, I do. So does Amanda."

"For reasons I think should be obvious I am not asking for her help. I need curtains for this bedroom and a room I'm converting into my man cave. Can I hire you as my decorator and have you help me set up both rooms?"

"I'll need to come to the house and measure the windows and things. Will you handle the hardware?"

"Yes!"

"Got plans for the morning?"

"No. No plans at all tomorrow."

"You do now. I'll be there at 8:30 in the morning. Amanda needs to know I'm coming, and why." There was a pause between saying, "Amanda needs to know I'm coming" and the added "and why." "You have a tape measure and a step ladder?"

"And almost any tool we might ever need. Want coffee when you get here?"

"No. I'll bring mine, but thanks. See you in the morning." We were done and the phone went dead in my hand.

I noticed the sound of water running and realized Amanda was taking her shower in her own bathroom. I waited until she shut her shower off before I turned mine on. I showered and used a new razor. I was half-way done when I realized that shaving at night was a waste of time. I had shaved twice a day for over twenty years. Once in the morning so I looked smooth at work and once before bed so Amanda wouldn't get whisker burns. I finished shaving and thought about the impact of not having a lover in my life. I thought about the impact on Amanda's life too. She could stop shaving her legs, pits and whatever else she shaved. She could stop checking to see that Scott and I put the seat down before she sat. Hell, she could stop wearing make up unless she was going somewhere.

I set my alarm for eight and went to bed in my forest green bed. I slept good. At eight I got up, shaved, brushed my teeth and dressed for a handyman day. I went to the kitchen and Amanda was there dishing up oatmeal. Two bowls.

I thanked her and sat to eat. When I was at the sink washing my bowl I said, "I've hired help for today to help me with a couple things. We'll stay out of your way."

"Help doing what?"

"I need new curtains in the bedroom. The old ones look out of place now. Oh, and the bedside lamps look strange too. If you want them I'll bring them to your room. I'm getting new curtains for the room that used to be Scott's too. The soccer curtains from 1999 just aren't what I want."

"Who did you hire?"

"Alison Gray. I saw her in Bed, Bath and Beyond when I bought new sheets and things. She says she knows how to make curtains."

"I know how, too. I made the one's that are in there now."

"If you want them, I'll save them for you."

She got up, washed her dish and the pot and walked out of the kitchen. I heard the door to her room close. A few minutes later I heard a knock on the front door. I opened it and saw Alison looking tentative.

I opened the door wide and said, "Come on in. Good morning!" She came in carrying a cup of Starbucks and a notebook. I led her into my bedroom and she stopped just one step inside. I turned and looked at her and said, "Is there a problem?"

"Until this moment it hadn't hit me, this is the first time I've been in a man's bedroom, other than the one I shared with Mike, since I was in college a thousand years ago."

"I understand. This is the first time I've had a bedroom of my own, ever. As a kid I shared with my brother. In the Air Force my bedroom had thirty other guys in it. Then I married Amanda."