All Comments on 'Money in the Bank'

Very nice story, and I look forward to reading more from you.

You could have easily edited out the redundancies at the beginning, which set up your story. At the very least, you could have edited them down to take up fewer words.

"One day, I decided to make a trip to this bank where someone I knew worked. Her name was Nancy, she was probably in her late forties to early fifties. My mother used to work with her years ago at the bank, but both went off to different branches and haven't kept in touch as often as before. I've always thought she was sexy, so I figured I'd go over there and say hello. She was the manager of this bank that was in the next town, since she was no longer working at my local bank."

becomes

"One day, I decided to make a trip to get a look at a woman who used to work at the same bank as my mother. Nancy was now managing a bank, one town over. Although she and my mother had lost touch after transferring to other offices, I'd always thought she was hot."

Half the size of the original paragraph, since it's no longer repeating the same things. Less distracting; clean and to the point. Remember that people here aren't looking for the next Tom Clancy: we come here to stroke off to erotic stories. The more cluttered a story is with poorly edited babbling, the less of your potential reader's interest you'll hold ...and then we'll move on to something that doesn't give our shlongs time to wilt.

I look forward to your next (hopefully better) attempt.

Do not be discouraged by anyone. You will develop your style of writing with the more experience you gain from writing.

Looking forward to your next chapter of Nancy and Mark.

No, I'm not discouraged. It was my first submission on here. I'm sure my next story will be better.

I loved it always liked older women!!!!

great work....pls do keep it up..