All Comments on 'Moontender'

Interesting... Mission accomplished.

If you are concerned about your writing, don't. You write very well. Story and characters thus far are well done and draw the reader in. And raise a lot of questions that will hopefully be answered in the follow up chapters.

Only comment is that unless they are an odd or very large number, that you write out numbers. F-16 to describe the Fighting Falcon is acceptable, but you would write out one hundred yards instead of 100 yards. That sort of thing.

What was most interesting to me about the present text was the abundance of unexplained terms and acronyms, e.g. “EE-repair” or “MRE,” which gave the text a slight Gibsonian feel (though on the whole it’s nowhere near concise or “minimalistic” enough to merit that label). However, taking its categorization as “erotica” into consideration, I found “Moontender” rather lacking.

Essentially, the whole first page is one ongoing info dump about some futuristic background that, alas, is of no relevance to the text’s erotic dénouement at all (except, perhaps, for the “awkward jumble of loose limbs” due to the moon’s low gravity). The narrator’s assertion that she’s “not going to tell you what I look like” accomplished the feat to come across at once stilted and otiose, and the uninspired but (as usual) highly orgasmic sexual action was wholly underwhelming, at least to my mind. Lastly, since the text did not resolve or “work out” anything of narrative import, I was left wondering what the intended story was supposed to be, for in its present form the text provides a middle but spares the reader start and finish, typical of a non-story.

What am I—as an avid reader of yours—to make of this, dear author?

–AJ

First, the sex: very good, well told. I like how you manage to get the description of the sex in a reduced-gravity environment right. We do take for granted how "easy" it is to get leverage when you're in full gravity. And the choreography was natural and erotic, without reliance on words or concepts that make your characters seem more than human.

Now, about the rest of it: this is an example of a story that deserves a life beyond Literotica. The sex is great, but this protagonist is already fleshed out well enough for stories beyond the hammock. Plus, you've got a great start on world-building here.

I like your well developed characters and how you built the story momentum.