Mountain Man

That night Ambrose wept into the shirt of the lad he had come to consider his mate. Delirious with grief and anger he cried out, "Forgive me Jamie...it's all my fault...you couldn't have known the danger...but I knew and let you go! Oh, Father in heaven have mercy on me...have mercy and keep him safe oh Lord I beg you!" Then making the sign of the cross over his broken heart, Ambrose rolled over and cried himself to sleep. But it would be many years before the scar of pain in Ambrose's heart would be healed over.

Such was the way of this land; one moment the sky is blue and the birds are singing and then death comes sweeping in like a wraith.

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As for Jamie, he was too stunned to fully appreciate the predicament he was now in. The band was now moving rapidly onto the plains above the breaks and he could tell they were working towards the north. Beyond that he could only try to stay astride the cantering horse he had been tied to during a brief stop once the band was safely away. He had no illusions about any hope of escape. He was simply and surly a prisoner.

His captors rode ever northward. Jamie was becoming delirious with fatigue and the constant riding had left him chapped and sore all along his inner thighs and butt. It hadn't helped that the men would not let him off the horse during the day. They had even ignored his pleas when they had stopped to take a break to stretch and piss. After several hours holding his bladder the first day, he finally realized that he was going to have to piss in his pants as he rode along. Eventually he could hold it no longer and he felt a mixed relief and shame as he felt the warm liquid soak his pants and run down his legs. The men obviously found this funny and had been waiting for him to do it. However, worse than the humiliation he felt was the constant rubbing of the wet material on his already raw skin.

About the third night into the ordeal Jamie noticed that the men seemed more relaxed, obviously secure in the fact that they had won their prize. That night Jamie watched from his place where he was staked to the ground as the men began to break off into the pairs he had first noticed among the river men. Knowing that these men were about to have sex made tears return to his eyes as he remembered Ambrose and his tender embraces. But soon the noises of men having sex caused him to think about his new captors and he realized that perhaps they too were just men like the others he had known. However, remembering the angry looks and blows he had received from some of them made him reconsider just how much alike they were. Only time would tell the answer to that question.

The fifth day there was excitement in the band. They stopped and cleaned themselves and their horses and attired themselves with fresh adornment. Instinctively Jamie understood that this part of his ordeal was coming to an end, and with another hour of travel he saw the village of several hundred dwellings nestled into a small valley beside a flowing river. The men stopped on a rise outside the village until it was clear that they had been spotted and the people were gathering below. Then with a shout and great fanfare the men rode pell-mell into the midst of the gathering crowd. Jamie was holding on for dear life as they galloped through the screaming people and barking dogs. Once more around the encampment and then they pulled up sharply in the midst of the crowd.

Actually it was all quite glorious and thrilling. But at that moment Jamie couldn't appreciate the grandeur.

The one who Jamie now knew was the leader of the men who had captured him came toward him and untying his hands he jerked the young man to the ground. Without so much as a second to catch his breath Jamie was jerked to his feet. The man tied a leather leash around Jamie's neck, and pulling him along like a dog he began to chant and prance through the crowd. The women and children all gathered around and laughed and jeered at the captive, a few of them even struck him with small switches while many others seemed in awe of his reddish blond hair and white skin and reached to touch it.

Then almost as quickly as it all started the celebration ceased. The people, still obviously happy, began to become busy in some type of activity that Jamie didn't understand. But Jamie had little time to think about it as he was roughly led to a small shelter made of animal skins and pushed inside. He was very quickly trussed again hand and foot and lay there with his face in the dust wondering what would happen next. His imagination began to work overtime and he recalled every scary story the men had told about some of the native people in this region. The stories all seemed to center around torture and cannibalism. However, he also recalled how Ambrose had told him in the quiet of their bed how most of all that was baloney talk. Just a bunch of hot air the men blew out to entertain themselves and scare greenhorns he had said. Ambrose had told him that the local people were mostly just people like everyone else, most of them were good and a few were bad. Jamie held on to that thought as he listened to the excitement all around him.

Jamie was startled when the woman entered his shelter. In his exhaustion he had fallen asleep and now realized it was late afternoon. Starting to wake up, he focused his attention on the woman and saw that she had brought water and a scrap of cloth. First she helped him sit up and held the bowl to his parched lips and allowed him to quench his thirst. After he had his fill, she dipped the rag into the bowl and began to wash his face and arms. How good it felt to have some of the grime washed from the scrapes he had received these past many days.

When the woman spoke to him in broken English, Jamie felt relief wash over him. He had not communicated with anyone since he had been captured and the sound of another voice brought him a bit of hope that perhaps if he could just speak to someone he would find his freedom. However, the woman made it clear with her broken words that she had come to prepare him for some type of test this night!

"I am Me-ta-osa-ka," she told Jamie. "I am the only speaker of your words in this place. In your language my name is like Busy-Bee-Working, but more words, you to call me Bee Girl your language. I am like you, I come from far away, but now I am here. I am told to explain to you how you to know about tonight."

Jamie nodded that he understood, and the young woman continued, "Tonight you must choose a way to go. You will go to the fire and stand before Pe-zhe-kins, the man who brought you here. All will watch. Pe-zhe-kins will point at one side to the war shield with knife on top. Then he point to other side with other things. On top of doe skin is red marking clay in bowl and woman's clothes. You to choose which side you go. Choose knife, you fight Pe-zhe-kins. You kill him you go home. He kill you, you do not go. If you do not choose the knife you must choose the woman's way and become 'win-yank-teh-ca' for Pe-zhe-kins. You must choose one. You no choose you be taken away and it is bad. You no choose maybe make you slave, maybe kill."

As Jamie heard the girl's words he turned pale and started to tremble.

The girl saw and understood his fear. Bee Girl then tried to further explain, "Unless you are strong warrior, you no fight Pe-zhe-kins, he kill you. Maybe you like me. I no fight. I wear dress. I am 'win-yank-teh-ca'. Means to be as a woman."

For the first time Jamie realized that he was talking to a young man about his own age. He had mistaken him for a woman because of the dress and his behavior. Now his mind began racing with questions.

Not knowing where to start Jamie blurted out,"What does it mean to be a squaw man here? And what must I do, and how will I live, and how will he treat me and how will others treat me?"

Jamie was asking questions so fast that Bee Girl's eyes widened in confusion. Never had she heard someone talk so fast in English and she had no idea of what he had said.

Finally after several starts and stops the two began to communicate and most of Jamie's questions were answered. Jamie was able to make it clear that he knew that he could not survive a fight with his captor. Understanding this Bee Girl seemed to relax. In fact now that she knew he was no fighting man she was no longer frightened of Jamie and felt more at ease. Also, instinctively she understood that he was like her. After tonight he would be 'win-yank-teh-ca' like her and she wanted to help him along this path as much as possible.

So patiently Bee Girl explained about tonight's ceremony in more detail. She told him that when first offered the knife, Jamie should turn away from it. When offered the dress, Jamie must first remove all of his clothes and stand before Pe-zhe-kins for his inspection. She told him that Pe-zhe-kins would probably look into Jamie's mouth and feel his body to see if he was healthy. Bee Girl made sure Jamie understood that he must not look at Pe-zhe-kins' face. To do so would be like saying that he was Pe-zhe-kins' equal and would be an insult. Tonight Jamie must always look downward in submission. If Pe-zhe-kins is satisfied after the inspection that Jamie is healthy and desirable, he will point toward the women's things and Jamie must go and kneel on the doe skin. First he must take the red clay rouge and paint circles on both sides of his chest to signify that he has taken a woman's breasts.

At that, Bee Girl lowered his own top and showed Jamie the two large circles drawn there so he would know what to do later. Jamie gazed at the bare chest and the two circles drawn around the dark brown nipples. Oddly, he found the painted circles attractive, and understanding now what they symbolized he was drawn to them.

Bee Girl went on to tell him that after that he should pick up the woman's garments, and holding them in both hands with palms up he must go and kneel naked before Pe-zhe-kins. Thus, Jamie would be offering his gratitude for the undeserved gifts. Then, Pe-zhe-kins and some of the men will talk and if all agree, Pe-zhe-kins will return to Jamie and lay his hand on top of his head to signify that he accepts Jamie's surrender and will take him into his own lodge.

Continuing, Bee Girl told him after this all the people will shout and be very happy. Some of the women, including Bee Girl, will take him to the woman's lodge and bathe him and dress him in his new garments. As the women prepare him, the people will begin the celebration. Finally after the people can stand it no longer, Jamie will be presented to them. He will then be a part of this people and find his place in the lodge of Pe-zhe-kins.

Knowing now that Jamie was not a man, Bee Girl felt comfortable doing more for him than she would have before. It would not have been allowed for her to bathe his body had he been a man preparing for an upcoming battle with Pe-zhe-kins. But knowing now that he was not, Bee Girl untied him and began to remove Jamie's clothes so she could clean him that he might look better for tonight's ceremony. Jamie was so very thankful for the care and attention Bee Girl was showing toward him after his long ordeal. It felt good to have her wash his body, and when she saw the raw skin along his inner thighs and buttocks she stood to leave saying she would return. Bee Girl quickly re-entered the shelter and started to smooth some type of ointment on his raw skin. She had also brought a comb and began to clean and untangle his hair. Jamie didn't know it then, but Bee Girl was more excited than she had ever been to be able to touch Jamie and his hair. Already many of the people were saying that he was a good omen for the village, and his pale skin and light colored hair appeared to them as perhaps someone sacred had been brought to them. In fact Jamie would later learn that Bee Girl was a highly honored 'two souls' person and was given the task of caring for this special prisoner so that the spirits might not be offended.

When Jamie had been thoroughly washed he hated to hear Bee Girl tell him that he must put his old clothes back on. Seeing Jamie's distaste Bee Girl said, "It will be for just a short time. Think of your new clothes waiting. You will like them much better than these." Bee Girl emphasized her last words by pinching her nose closed against the stench.

Jamie laughed at her joke and reaching out he hugged the young squaw-man to his body. Bee Girl returned the hug and said, "This is a good day for this people," and lowering her eyes added, "And a good day for me."

As Jamie dressed himself Bee Girl added, "Pe-zhe-kins is a good man. He is brave and kind. He will care for you very well. All of the people will accept you if he does and you will be happy."

"Thank you for your kindness Bee Girl. I had no understanding of what to do. You have made me feel safer. I have already begun to walk the path of being a woman. The man from whom I was taken is named Ambrose. He taught me many things about this path. I only hope that Pe-zhe-kins will come to love and care for me in the same way as Ambrose did." Jamie said these things but with the lack of a common tongue he could not fully express all of the mixed feelings he felt churning inside his body.

But Bee Girl seemed to somehow understand, and repeated the words meant to bring comfort to the frightened young man, "Pe-zhe-kins is a good man. He will be gentle with you and accept you as a two spirited one if you will forget that you once were a man."

Jamie thought he understood what she was trying to say to him. He was thankful in that moment for the journey that Ambrose had begun to take him down. He had already mostly accepted that he was a squaw-man, or as Bee Girl said, a two spirited one. Jamie knew that if he had not been given that chance to become comfortable with his own sexuality, had he not already started to let his true spirit live freely, then he would have felt he must fight Pe-zhe-kins and would have been killed this night. Now Jamie began to look upon what was about to happen to him tonight as perhaps just the next step to take in finally finding his right place in this world. He knew that he would always love Ambrose, and now he also knew how much he owed the big man for slowly peeling away the fears of his homosexuality so Jamie could be free to live his true life.

As Jamie was thinking these things, Bee Girl said, "It is time. Come, walk as a man for the last time."

At those words, Jamie got up and followed the other young 'win-yank-teh-ca' toward his future.

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Epilogue

Much more could be told of Jamie's new life, but that would take a large book. But, it seems worthwhile to at least add a brief summary of Jamie's later years so the readers of this tale might not be left dissatisfied with unknowing.

That first night happened just as Bee Girl had told him. Soon Jamie came to be called by a name that meant; A Hen of the Prairie Grouse Who Has White Feathers. In English he went by White Bird Girl. The name was one of great honor and respect and held a spiritual meaning to the people. And as Bee Girl had promised, Pe-zhe-kins was indeed a kind and caring man. He brought Jamie into his family where Pe-zhe-kins' one other wife was happy that he had finally taken another woman to help her. Pe-zhe-kins' children quickly learned to love White Bird Girl as part of the family, and he loved them as if they were his own. Plus, the honor that White Bird brought to Pe-zhe-kins' lodge made them all proud.

As time went forward, Pe-zhe-kins would often go to Jamie White Bird's bed and make love to the 'win-yank-teh-ca' as his first wife lay on the other side of the lodge and watched them. She felt no jealousy towards White Bird, she was just happy for Pe-zhe-kins and her family that the two spirited one was here. For Jamie, the love making was not as satisfying as he had known with Ambrose, mostly because Pe-zhe-kins was more subdued and did not have the same fiery lust as the big river man had. And yet, he always made sure that Jamie was satisfied and all in all Jamie White Bird was content.

Jamie White Bird lived with Pe-zhe-kins and his family for eleven winters. All the while he learned the ways of his new people with a zeal and interest that attested to his keen mind and education. Because of his understanding of the ways of the white intruders and his embrace of the ways of the people, Jamie's advice and counsel was more and more respected and sought.

Then, without warning Jamie White Bird's life took another change when Pe-zhe-kins own life was taken. His horse had stumbled into a hidden burrow of some digging animal as he chased a buffalo for the kill. The horse landed on top of the brave man and instantly crushed the life from his body. After that, Pe-zhe-kins' first wife and their children went to live with her sister and her husband. The elders talked for many days and finally decided that Jamie White Bird had showed honor and loyalty to the people and that he should have his own dwelling lodge and choose his own path to walk.

And so began the next stage of Jamie's journey. Now in middle age, he had an intimate knowledge of the language, spiritual beliefs and culture of the people he had come to accept as his own. But the things the people respected and valued the most was Jamie White Bird's understanding of mathematics, the written words and the way of white traders. He became well known among both white and native as one you could not trick or cheat. His own reputation had grown to the point where many men would come to his lodge not only to share his bed, but to listen to his quiet words and suggestions as they lay together on the bed talking afterwards. Thus it has been from the beginning, as the quite words of the women help shape the course of decisions made by the tribal leaders.

Eventually as the white invaders pushed ever closer, it was in large part Jamie White Bird's words and counsel that led the elders to give way to the constant push instead of fighting. Jamie had been able to convince them of the inevitable strength of the white man, and thus the band survived with little impact to their way of life. Finally near the end of his life the people had been pushed far north and west of the place the Creator had first given them. While life was harder there in what we know now as western central Canada east of the Athabasca River, it was still free and the people survived.

In his old age Jamie White Bird often reflected on the course of his life. Of his kind parents, of Benjamin, of Ambrose, Pe-zhe-kins, Bee Girl his lifelong friend, and all of the other people and events that had come to him to bless him.

For as many years as he could remember Jamie White Bird would arise before the dawn to worship and offer his thanksgiving to the Creator for the many blessings he had received. How could he have known when he left his childhood home to become a mountain man how the Creator would show him his true path? Now he laughed at ever wanting to be a mountain man or for thinking that they were in touch with the heartbeat of the land. To the true people, and now also to him, the so called mountain men were but stumbling fools bashing about the sacred earth taking but never giving anything in return. Somehow the Creator had known Jamie's heart and had sent Pe-zhe-kins to rescue him and bring him to these people. It was they who had taught him a true oneness with the Creation. It was these people who had allowed his true inner spirit to live. It was these people who had accepted and honored those like him; those known as 'two spirits' who had been given the body of a man but had also been blessed with the spirits of both man and woman on the inside. It was these people who understood that the Creator had called some to be 'two spirited' in order to mediate the gap between man and woman. It was these people who knew that those such as he were special and sacred. Yes he was certainly blessed.