Never Marry an Only Daughter

Warnings to the naïve, the unwary and those who are to love struck to make wise decisions.

This writing is based entirely on personal experience. (Well kinda anyway).

After three years of marriage, I began to take note of certain patterns of my loving wife's behaviors. I guess many husbands and wives do this. Now these were not behaviors that she was aware were irritating to me. Certainly they were not ones that she deliberately did to piss me off. She has consistently claimed that my observations which became accusations later, were entirely untrue and revealed flawed judgments on my part. I took it as her being entirely unaware of her hold over from her pampered childhood as an only child. There was no sibling rivalry in her past. She had had no competition for space, things or attention and no need for any type of accommodations in her childhood home.

For the first two years of our marriage, I silently endured these as I became increasingly aware. It seemed that these behaviors were increasing in number, type, frequency and irritating effect. When I finally began to point them out to her, at first she denied them. With my continuing reminders, she finally stopped denying them and took the tact that they meant nothing and I shouldn't get all up set. In effect, she was telling me that I had to accommodate her, not her to me.

Truthfully, some were not very upsetting to me. I took it as just her was of doing life. However, over the past two years new ones began to show up. The effect of the old plus the new ways were grind at our relationship. She showed no overt concern for my feelings.

Her frequent reply to my commenting about her seemingly uncaring, indifferent or demeaning behaviors, went something like this, "I can't understand why you get all up set over nothing." or "Just drop it, I've heard you tell me this before many times and I'm getting tired of hearing you complain".

When I would suggest that a slight adjustment in her behaviors or attitude would be an appropriate remedy, her replies became increasingly haughty arrogant, belittling and irritating to me.

How could I have failed to note these while we were dating or even early in our marriage. Was she changing or was it only that I was becoming more aware of her idiosyncrasies? Why was my psyche being rubbed raw by these initially seemingly benign behaviors.

I remembered my dad telling me again and again as a kid that I could never change anyone. The only person I could change was myself. I guess by that he meant I had to accommodate in some way. My wife seemed to be messaging me the same. She was not going to change and it was my duty as husband to accommodate her.

Let me give you a short litany of the things she did that irritated me.

For instance, when she sat at a table to eat, her elbows spread out so that she took up almost two spaces. Rather that pull her elbows in next to her body, she just moved the chairs adjacent to her, farther away. This gave her more room and reduced the room others had. She would seek out the end of the table or the end seat at the side of the table so she would have elbow room. If I had to sit next to her she complained of my always interfering with her elbow. I'm quite sure this all came about as she never had anyone sitting next to her as she grew up.

I, on the other hand, had older brothers and sisters to deal with and they did not give up their elbow room. If I pushed them back at the dinner table, my mom would correct me verbally or, if I refused, I got a whipping that adjusted my attitude in quick order. I learned to eat with my elbows tucked in tight to my torso.

Being the well bred young gentleman that I am, I always opened doors for women to enter first. When my wife would walk through a doorway, entering a house, she would stop just inside the door to remove her coat or rain hat or just adjust her shoes. Tough luck if I was behind her, I could stand in the rain until she moved on inside in her own leisurely time. I would request her to move forward one step. When she did not move, I would gently push her farther inside to which she became angry. A verbal tongue lashing for being rude and insensitive and "pushy" would follow. When I reminded her that I was getting rained on while she took her sweet time taking off her raincoat she would deny that I was getting rained on.

Of late, I have taken to telling her I don't like to take her 'shit' in exchange for staying out in the rain. I felt like I was in a no win situation. Get rained on or get shit on verbally. Her attitude for the rest of the day was one of distancing me from her. She says she doesn't like my attitude and I counter that I don't like getting rained on by God's rain or her shit mouth.

When we go out to eat, which is quite often as she doesn't do dishes happily, she sits at the nearest booth seat which means I have to stand idly by while she seats herself. If we are taken to a table, I have given up trying to seat her as a man should help a lady with her chair. In stead, she chooses the chair nearest her and without looking around to see if anyone is behind her, like another patron or the waiter, she yanks out the chair and seats herself. That leaves me looking like an uncultured idiot.

Another favorite of hers is to seat herself at the near end of the pew in church. This means that everyone else has to climb over her to get seated. Afterward, she complains how rude the usher is if he asks her to move toward the center. Anyone who climbs over her is likewise treated with a half smile, more of a scowl and little if any movement of her knees to make their entry easier.

She must have grown up learning that other people exist just to please her as her parents had. She never had to learn to share anything like toys or clothes. As a result, she keeps all her old clothing rather than giving it away. She has the largest walk in closet we could afford in the modest house we finally built after savings for the first two years. This closet will never be big enough to fit her and she complains as to how she needs two closets, one for winter and one for summer. When I asked her why she didn't ask for four closets, one for each season, she looked a little bewildered and said, "That's the only good idea you have had this year."

Little by little, I have begun to realize that unconsciously she sees me as the person who is to dedicate myself to pleasing her. My needs or desires simply do not count much, if any, with her.

My life was becoming something like this. Her desires are needs and my needs are just desires. Hass it always been that way or is it that I'm just now noticing how it demeaning it is. How it grates on me.

I met her in college. She was truthful in saying the only reason she came to college was to find a husband who would spend his lifetime taking care of her. Now I was not only naïve but love struck as she was very beautiful in a demure sort of way. She was somewhat shy which appealed to me. After we were married her shyness with me left with the dawn of the first day. Her body was beautiful but she never dressed to show her cleavage or beautiful hips. Other than some closed mouth kissing, her body was off limits to me "until we are married". . As I studied psychology in college, along with the premedical sciences I was taking, I gradually began to listen to how she constructed her sentences. Began to listen to the inflections and tones of her speech to me. She was always super polite to others but over the past two years I felt like I was being treated like trash. This was always in private. She never demeaned me in public. I was glad for that at least.

When speaking to me privately, she never used words like, "please" or "I would you like to...". She addressed her needs as simply "Jon, you should or must do this or that." Now I didn't mind doing most of what she requested but I increasingly hated not being asked and just being told what to do. I would have done it anyway, like helping around the house or checking our (her) car's tires for air pressure. But to be told I "should" do this rather than suggesting I do it kept on grating.

If I didn't get it done right away, including dropping what ever I was doing and go do her will, then she would tell me I should not forget it, and keep telling me until I couldn't stand it anymore and gave in for the sake of shutting her mouth temporarily.

She was passive in bed at best. She told me that a good wife allows her husband to have sex with his wife but that doesn't mean she has to actively participate. I have yet to believe she has had a real orgasm. If I really try to get her hot by romantic foreplay she calls it off and tells me to get with it. She doesn't allow herself to enjoy sex which really turns me off as I want to please her. For a long time I kept telling her that if she would just let me please her that way, then I would be happiest. From this I found out that my trying to please myself by bringing her off was not on her agenda. My pleasure was NOT what life was all about to her, even if it brought her pleasure. She was not going to experiment with nasty sex. She had been taught that she was "dirty" between her legs and sex was a nasty thing that men liked and married women were supposed to endure.

We had no children after three years of pretty much one-sided marriage. She had had to work from the beginning. I even quit college to get a job to support us so she wouldn't have to work after our second year. I was going nowhere in life with her and going there in a hurry.

Finally I had had enough. I sat down and had a little talk with my self. Enough was enough I told myself. She is not working and has all day to do things yet has no time for fixing dinner or sex with me. She was not going to change and I was not going to live my life as she had planned for me. I had to take some action for my own mental health. I wanted to finish college and go on to medical school. She wanted me to make money like doctors do but she wanted it NOW as the TV advertisement prompted her.

I talked with my parents who were understanding but not really supportive. I had to do this on my own so I did it. I set up a separate bank account with only my name on it but left our old joint account open. I got her a separate credit card under the guise of better service by changing cards. Our joint credit accounts were closed. I got my own credit card also. I deeded the house to her. All this with the purpose of cutting all financial entanglements with her.

I visited a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up giving her everything except alimony. I arranged to have the papers delivered to her at home in exactly one week. I paid the lawyer in full. Only cost three hundred if she didn't contest it.

I had my last paycheck given to me personally rather than deposited. Our old joint account had three months living money. I had worked hard and saved in spite of her. Now I was going to be free.

The day the divorce papers were to be delivered finally arrived. That day was the first day after my last day on the job. I had given notice several weeks earlier. We had breakfast together which was not to unusual. I told her I was not going to work today. Looking across the table at her, we both with coffee and finishing up the toast, I looked at her and said.

"Sweetheart, Today I am giving you what you have wanted most. I am going to let you provide for yourself and you only. You don't have to feel angry or even guilty about my wanting things that interfere with your happiness. You no longer have to endure sex with me or my complaining about standing in the cold rain while you take your rain coat off. You don't have to ask me ten times to oil the screen door or check your tires. The dishes will be put in the dishwasher exactly as you want them from now on. You can set the thermostat to exactly where you want it. You will never have to complain about the clothes in the washing machine being left over night rather than being put in the dryer and I promise never to run the dryer at night again. You will never have to tell me to get gas in the car. You will never have to remind me several times to trim the lawn again the way you like it done. My snoring will never bother you again and you will never have to tell me to pick up your dirty panties off the floor and put them in the washer.

"Later this morning, you will be served with no fault divorce papers which I have prepaid. If you sign you won't have to pay anything to be rid of me and all the irritating things do to you. I'm giving you sole title to the car and the house. All current bills are paid and you have three months worth of money in the bank to see you through until you get a job to support yourself in the style you have always complained about that I didn't. I'm taking the metro to the airport in half an hour. My personal things have already been packed and shipped. If you had been looking, which you never notice me anyway, you would have seen that my things in the guest room where I have resided for the past year are missing. They have been boxed and shipped over the past month to my new city and to my new apartment. Now I have only to give you my wedding ring which has discolored my finger from the false gold it was made of when you bought it for me. I enjoy the coffee and will miss that a lot but most of all, I will enjoy your being free of me and my constant nagging about my desires for personal and sexual fulfillment."

With that I pulled off my wedding band and gave it to her. I washed off as much of the green as I could in the kitchen sink as she turned to look at me without saying anything.

As I was walking out with just my over night bag, She called out, "Jon, why did you take so long, Jerry has been after me to get rid of you for almost two years. We won't have to hide from you anymore. I see you finally got all the hints I have been sending you. Thanks for paying for the no fault divorce. I'll sign it gladly."

With that I left. I stopped on the door step to thin a little. He she been cheating on me for such a long time? I had not clue and had never even considered the possibility. Live and learn, I guess. I made one more stop before hopping on the metro, I stopped by the bank and withdrew all the three months cash we had saved. I went to our safety deposit box and took out the car title which had only my name on it. We owed nothing on it. The house title was the only remaining item in it. My lawyer had the marriage license in his office. He would burn it after the divorce was finalized. Having nothing else to do, I decided to go back home for one more item I had left.

I figure we had both won and lost just about everything we had. I knew Jerry, who ever he was, was going to learn about only children as wives also. I just hope it took him twenty years rather than two.

I knocked on the door to my former house and Sherrie answered.

"What are you doing back here. I thought you would be in the airport by now!". She seemed not a bit remorseful as to the events earlier in the morning.

"Honey, since this Jerry guy is going to be supporting you now, I figured you had no need for the car or the cash in the bank so I'm taking both. Give him my best regards." I smiled and waved as I drove off on my way to my future.

Realdoc

Epilog. I did get a good job in another city then finished college on an ROTC scholarship. I became not only the gentleman I already was but an officer as well. Thankfully, I never heard from or about Sherrie again.