No Slave To Destiny

"Say what? What conflict of interest?"

"It's all about appearances. Make sure there's no comeback."

"I don't follow," I said.

"Dave. You're a little slow on the uptake my friend. Down the road it may become important to Susan that there's no perceived favoritism being shown here, if you get my drift."

"No, not sure I do Arthur." Then the realization of what he was saying came home to me. "Oh, you're not implying that if Susan and I.... well... then... so... but it was decided by committee Arthur. How's that a potential problem?"

"Yes it was a committee decision, Dave. And she is the COO and Chair of that committee. C'mon. You know about corporate politics. You play the game pretty well yourself."

"Okay, you've made your point. Not sure I agree with it but in any event, wow. Great news Arthur. Just fantastic. I'm so pleased."

"You say fantastic, I say cha...ching. Dave, one more thing. How are your sessions with the psychologist going? I heard through the grapevine."

"Okay, I guess. It's gonna take a while but so far so good," I replied.

"How are you feeling? I guess I'm asking if you're ready to come back to work. On the Wadkins, Walden account," asked Arthur. "It's your baby, so to speak."

"Thanks, Arthur. What can I say," I stammered. "I was hoping, that's all. Not expecting."

"I think it's time, Dave. You've earned the right and I'm happy to extend the invitation. See you Monday morning, 8 O'clock sharp. We've a butt-load of work ahead of us." With that Arthur hung up, just as a knock came at the front door and I hurried to welcome Mark home.

"Dad, I'd like you to meet Wendy," said Mark as he extricated himself from my bear hug, looking slightly sheepish by my show of affection. I looked at Wendy for the first time.

"Hi there Wendy. Welcome. Any friend of Mark's ... well, you know the rest."

"Thanks Dave," Wendy replied. "Hope you don't mind the informality. Mark said you'd prefer being on a first-name basis right off the bat. And my sincere condolences on your loss. I can only imagine how painful it must have been for you. Must be for you."

"Wendy is a surveyor with our firm," explained Mark. We work quite a lot together on various eco-friendly environmental projects. It's all about being green these days, don't you know."

"And a good thing too," I replied as I led my guests into the living room and they made themselves comfortable on the couch. As Mark went on to talk about some of their work projects currently underway, I had an opportunity to study to Wendy more closely.

She was certainly beautiful. Short, curly auburn hair. Petite and slim in stature with a fair complexion. Hazel colored eyes. Graceful hands. I particularly noticed the way she moved her hands. I judged she had an artistic flair that complemented her academic and professional leanings towards the sciences. She wore blue jeans, of course. The uniform of today's generation. A knitted, bulky striped top offset the tight fitting jeans which accented her slim hips.

"So, Dad. What's news with you?" I snapped out of my reverie, looked at Mark and glanced again at Wendy. Mark picked up on my subtle attempt at inquiry. "I hope you don't mind, Dad, but I did tell Wendy about how as a family we're dealing with Mom's loss. You can speak freely."

I wasn't very comfortable with that revelation but decided it was best to be forthright. Besides, I might be in the company of my future daughter-in-law. Despite Mark's earlier protestations to the contrary my sense was his relationship with Wendy was pretty far along.

"Grief counseling is going fairly well," I began. "It takes some discipline to keep at it, but I think it's helping. I have some other good news, too. I just heard about it from Arthur. Did you know Gavel was competing for the IT project with Wadkins, Walden?"

"Yeah, Jen told me," explained Mark. "Don't tell me you got it."

"Yipper. We got the call just before you arrived. Isn't that great?"

"Absolutely damn fantastic Dad. Well done," said Mark.

"Is it a big project then?" asked Wendy. "You both seem very excited."

"One of the biggest, with lots of retainer value," I explained. "And, better news still. I'm heading up the project. Arthur asked me to come back to work."

Mark leaped from the couch, no longer able to restrain himself. He rushed over, threw his arms around my neck and gave me a return hug every bit as stifling and welcome as the one with which I welcomed him at the door.

He returned to the couch and hugged Wendy too. She smiled broadly. "I'm so pleased for you Dave. It looks like things are finally coming around for you." She clapped her hands. "Well, what shall we do to celebrate?"

"For starters I'm taking us all out to dinner tonight," said Mark. "No ifs, ands and buts about it. There's a family-owned Italian restaurant nearby that has an excellent menu," he explained, turning to face her.

"Can I interest anyone in a drink before we go?" I offered.

"Thanks," replied Mark. "I'll join you. Wendy, will you be the DD tonight?"

"Sure," she said. "I'd be happy to."

****

The weekend passed swiftly and by Monday morning I was ready to begin work on the new account. Mark and Wendy left the same day on a road trip and promised to be back within the week for another short stay. Before leaving Mark called me aside.

"Dad I just wanted to say how fit you're looking since the last time I was home and how well you seem to be coping lately. I notice, too, that the whiskey bottles have been put away."

"A lot of good things have come my way, son" I explained. "I've done nothing to deserve it, really. You and Jen have been terrifically supportive. Others have stepped in, too. Jen's boss, Arthur, the grief counselor. I always thought I'd be alone fighting this thing. Now it turns out I need not have isolated myself. That I could rely on family and friends to give me whatever support I needed.

"I've gone from utter despair to new heights of optimism and, finally, some inner peace. That's a big change in a fairly short period of time. I'm not out of the woods yet. At this point, I'd put it all down to good fortune rather than good management. The real test will be how well I cope with life's next disappointments. There inevitably will be some. We all have them. Big difference is, now I know I won't have to face them alone. I'm be better prepared."

The weeks flew by. My work on the Wadkins, Walden account brought me increasingly into Susan's presence through both private meetings and update sessions with her company Principals and the Assets Committee members.

With each passing hour in her company I became more and more drawn to her, both as a professional and – on a personal level – as a caring, circumspect and sensual woman. My admiration for her grew exponentially and I was sure I would soon no longer be able to hide my affections. Arthur, as an biased observer, suggested the interest was mutual -- that Susan would in time reveal her interest in me, in her own way. I prayed he was right.

As it turned out, he was. The opportunity for Susan and I to cement our future came towards the end of the IT installation project when it was necessary for the company to do some international travel to consolidate affairs with their satellite offices. Susan specifically invited me to travel with the team and I was grateful for her consideration. On the Spanish leg of the trip, over an intimate dinner of expertly prepared seabass and a bottle of full-bodied Hungarian Merlot, I finally found the courage to talk to her on a more personal level.

I began tentatively. "Susan. I never did thank you properly for the referral to Dr. Armstrong."

"You're welcome Dave. I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous in making the suggestion," she replied.

"No of course not. You read my need from Jen and offered your advice based on personal experience. How could I not value that kindness? Anyway, I've now completed my scheduled sessions with Justin. I just thought you'd like to know."

"Dave, that is good news," she said, reaching over and laying her hand on my forearm. Caught by surprise I was lost for words at this ostentatious show of affection, at least by her standards. Was I reading too much into the gesture?

Fortunately, Susan was as usual composed and direct. She did not remove her hand. "Tell me. I know the answer but I'd like to hear from you how you're doing now."

"I'm coping much better, thanks. At the end of my last session Justin congratulated me on my progress, warned me of the possibility of minor relapses and invited me to stay in touch whenever I felt the need to call on him. Funny thing though. It was good to walk out of his office for what I hoped would be the last time, but I also couldn't help feeling that I was leaving a new friend behind."

"I felt much the same way," replied Susan. "Justin brought me back from the brink after my sister's death. I guess it's inevitable that you'd form a strong bond with him."

"As I've done with you," I blurted out, voicing a thought I did not mean to share. It was too late now. Susan had heard every word.

"What do you mean?" she inquired, looking directly into my eyes. She had sensed an opportunity to explore unspoken words between us and was not about to let me off the hook.

This was awkward. Very, very awkward I thought. How to explain my outburst without revealing my emotions and likely pillorying myself at the same time. Honesty. The quality women appreciate most in a man, or so I've heard it said. I hoped that was true because I was about to hang all my dreams on that one word.

"Susan, you'll possibly ask me to use the return portion of my ticket as early as tomorrow for what I'm about to say," I smiled bravely, intending to signal courage that I did not feel. "But the truth is, I think I may have fallen in love with you."

"Think?" she quipped. "May have?" She allowed herself a good-natured laugh. "Dave, I don't do well with ambiguity. What are you trying to say, exactly?"

"Not sure, really. I know what you're thinking. More clarity please. But, seriously, I can no longer deny that I've been attracted to you since the first day we met in Jen's office. It took some time for me understand what I was feeling because of my grieving over Peg. But I know one thing with absolute certainty now. I don't like being away from you. I really want a relationship that's outside our current professional arrangement. Is that unambiguous enough?"

Susan turned her attention to her wine glass, rolling the stem between thumb and forefinger, then tilting the glass to contemplate the ruby-rich color of the wine in the candlelight. She was deep in thought and as the seconds ticked by, I felt my hopes slipping away with them. Slowly, she raised her head and looked once more directly at me.

"Dave, you know that in my position I can't allow myself to become emotionally involved with my business associates. It would be potentially problematic and certainly unethical. These are hard standards to abide by on occasion but I've always been committed to them.

She was clearly being very serious, but then she smiled broadly. "So, that presents us with a problem, doesn't it? Because, you see, I would very much like to have the relationship you talked about. I have felt that way for quite some time.

"I've never married, as you know. But I have loved. I know what it is to want to commit your life to another. I believe it may be my time to commit. And that commitment should be to you. I suggest we let our feelings for each other evolve, to find their own level. Let time be the judge of how far and fast we take this."

In response, I reached for her hand on my arm and squeezed it gently. I had not yet won the fair lady. But she had also not sent me to the gallows. I could live with that.

"One more thing Dave," said Susan. "If we're going to do this, if we're going to build a long-term relationship together in whatever form that takes, I must be certain of your total commitment, if you understand my meaning. Dave, talk to Peg about us. Then follow your heart."

****

"Hi Peg. How are you?" Stupid, Dave. What kind of a question is that?

I had Mark and Jen with me the weekend after I returned from overseas and we decided to stop in at the cemetery. The kids hung back at the car as I sat, yoga-style, before Peg's gravestone. Somehow they knew I needed alone time.

"I'm good, thanks. Actually, very good. Lot of great things are happening in my life right now. But of course you already know that right? I mean, if you're up there somewhere what else do you have to do all day but tune in with what's going on down here. But just in case the signals have somehow been jammed or mixed up or are weak or... well, if you haven't heard for some reason... hmm, yeah well if... I'm not doing this very well, am I?

Let's start again. I'm going to assume you already know all my news so I'm just going to explain a few things, okay? So, the job on the Wadkins, Walden account is going fine. Everything's installed and operating the way it should. Arthur says 'hi' by the way. We made some good coin on that project and Gavel is growing again. Good for me and my pension plan, I guess.

I finally had the driveway paved, Peg. You'll be happy about that no doubt. You should see it. But then again, maybe you already have.

Let's see. Jen is doing really well at work. She doesn't talk about the baby. Not anymore. She doesn't yet have a significant other in her life but that will come. I told her, it's better to choose wisely than too quickly. I know you would have said the same thing.

Oh, then there's Wendy. She's an absolute delight. A truly wonderful girl. She reminds me a bit of you actually. Same pragmatic approach to life. Self-confident and cute to boot. Don't know exactly when but I suspect Mark will pop the question soon unless she beats him to it. They're an interesting couple, those two. A lot like us. Want to change the world. Ha ha. But they're smarter. They're working from within to bring about change. Took you and I a while to learn that lesson.

What else. Oh, yes. Peg, I need to ask you something, if you're still listening. I've met someone. It's Jen's boss and we've gotten kinda close over the months what with the IT account and all. I hope you don't mind. I'm useless without you Peg. Always have been. I need someone in my life. Do you understand? If so, can you send a signal? Like right now? Something to say that you're okay with it. You know, a flock of birds maybe. Or a car driving by with a decal that reads: Reach out for love. I dunno. Something. Anything. Peg, hello? I'll give you some time to think about it.

Sure is a beautiful day. Think we'll go to the park later. You used to like that, feeding the ducks. They say 'hi'. So, what do you think Peg? About Susan I mean. I'm not getting anything. So, can I assume you're okay with it? If I don't hear from you, I'll just have to listen to my heart. That'll be my answer I guess.

Okay, I gotta run. The kids are going to come over and say hello. Take care Peg. I love you. I miss you. 'Kay, bye. I'll stop by next week again."

I walked slowly back to the car where Mark and Jen were waiting patiently.

"Your turn," I said. "I talked to your mother about Sue."

"Oh, it's Sue now is it. Not Susan," mocked Jen.

"Yeah, well. Whatever. So if you're with Mom keep a look out for any signs that she is okay with it. With me and Sue."

Their quizzical looks said it all. He's the same old Dad again. We can tolerate his quirks. As long as he's back. To stay.

"Welcome back Dad," quipped Mark.

It was my turn to look perplexed. As the kids made their way to the grave side I reached into the pocket of my overcoat for the cellphone and speed-dialed Susan's number.

"Hi Sue. Wanna go to the park and feed the ducks? Great. See you in an hour. Love you." As I returned the phone to my pocket, I glanced up to see an animated exchange between Mark and Jen. A small boy, visiting a nearby grave site with his family, had walked over and handed an orchid to Jen. She glanced over her shoulder at me and held the flower high so that I could not miss it in her hand. 'Thank you, Peg. Thank you.'

They say that when you lose someone you love you shouldn't try to reason why they had to die. That never made any sense to me. Not questioning. It's like asking someone to believe on faith alone that life will always treat you fairly.

As I think it through I can say that I have my work, the same work pretty much that I had when Peg was with me. I am close to my kids, but probably no more so than when Peg was alive. Yes, true, I met Susan and thankfully she is now in my life. But I was very happy in my marriage to Peg.

Is there a moral or practical lesson I can take from the tragedy of losing Peg? Perhaps not. The pain is still deep inside my chest. But, I haven't lost my mind. And now I know with certainty that I will never again allow myself to be a mere slave to destiny.

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