One Plus Two Minus One Ch. 08

Beth looked at him, surprised. "Ah, no."

"It's close to the campus."

"And still no."

"Why not?"

"What did I say about having a bunch of hippies in my lounge?"

"They're my colleagues."

"Like that's better."

He looked at her for a moment and seemed annoyed. "Shit, Beth..."

"What?"

"Do you have to be like that all the fucking time?"

"Like what?"

"Yes, Beth, they're political scientists, and what you do is far more important, but you don't have to be such an utter bitch about the people in my department. They're my friends."

She thought about that. She probably took it too far sometimes, but then again, she didn't want him here, and he didn't have to talk to her like that even if she was being rude.

"It's not that they're political scientists," she said. "It's that they're hippies. Like I said. You fucking dick."

"We're going to have a fight about this?" he said. "Really?"

"Yeah," she said. "Okay."

He looked at her.

"This is my fucking house," she said. "You're a guest and you don't get to try and bully me into having your dodgy friends over."

"I'm a guest?"

"Yeah, you fucking are. I'm paying the rent and I'm paying for the food and since you haven't once offered to help, you're a fucking guest."

He looked in his pocket, took out two twenties. Threw them on the floor. "That's all I have on me."

"Thanks," Beth said. "Big spender. That fucking helps."

"I'll get as much as you want. And I'll go right now if you want me to."

She looked at him for a long, long moment and almost said yes, he should go. She wanted to, quite desperately. She could have him out of here in an hour and Ethan inside her in two.

Because she wanted to so much, she didn't.

"That's not the point," she said.

"I'll pay rent."

"I don't want you to."

"Because then you'll lose this power you think you have."

"No, Robert, because I'm fucking sick of all this political bullshit, and I used to put up with it because I was stupid and I loved you and it had always been like that, but I've got a life here now and I don't want that shit to be part of it."

He looked at her for a moment. "That's really what the problem is? My political activism?"

No, she thought. Not at all. "Yes," she said.

"There's an election on, Beth. It matters. Maybe for the first time in a decade."

"I don't care, Robert. You're not going to change anything, so why bother?"

He looked at her like he didn't know her at all, and part of her welcomed that. Part of her wanted him to get so confused by this woman he didn't know he just went away.

"I've told you over and over," she said, and this part was true. "I've told you I don't care. I've told you I don't want to be part of all that, and you never fucking listen. So listen to this. No hippies in my house. No fucking activists, no political agitators, fucking no-one. You understand me?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, Beth, I understand."

He looked around for his jacket, picked it up.

"Fuck off then," she said. "Run away."

"Yeah, Beth."

"Coward."

He got his shoes, and started putting them on. Ignoring her.

"Are you fucking listening?"

"No," he said.

"Well, fucking listen to me."

He sat there, and waited.

"I don't want any of that shit in my house. No posters, no paint, no fucking signs. Nothing, okay?"

"Okay, Beth, I got it."

"I've had it with all that student radical bullshit. I just want a normal life in a nice house for a while."

He nodded, and went to the door. "You've changed," he said.

"I know. About fucking time I did."

He looked at her for a moment, and left. He closed the door gently behind him.

She would have slammed it, and she thought Ethan would have slammed it, and she wasn't sure why Robert's calmness annoyed her so much.

*

Robert came back that night, while Beth was sitting on the couch watching TV. Robert didn't approve of TV, so Beth had been watching it more lately. He sat down beside her and handed her an envelope.

She looked inside. Money. A lot of money.

"How much is that?"

"Two thousand. Enough for rent for a while."

"On this place, that's enough for rent for about three weeks."

She tried to hand it back, but he wouldn't take it. She held it out for a moment, then got sick of him being childish and threw it towards him. Then got up, and got his two twenties from that morning off the bench, and dropped them in his lap too.

"Don't be so controlling," he said. "Just take it."

"Your whole fucking problem," she said. "Is you never listen to me. You always think you know what I want when you don't."

He looked at her.

"My life," she said. "My house. My rules. No hippies, and you're not paying fucking rent. You're a guest."

"I thought I was your partner? That we were a couple?"

She didn't answer.

"Aren't I?"

"Fuck knows."

"What does that mean?"

She looked back at the TV and ignored him.

"Beth..."

"I'm watching this."

He looked at her for a moment, then stood up and went towards the stairs.

"Hey," she said, and threw the envelope towards him.

He stayed where he was, didn't pick it up.

"I'm fucking controlling," she said. "You won't even take your money back."

He went up the stairs.

"Hey, Robert?" Beth called.

He stopped.

"Sex with you bores the fuck out of me and I hate anal. I just want normal sex."

"You said."

"I'm saying again. So you get it."

"Yeah," he said, and was finally starting to sound impatient. "You could have just told me ages ago. You don't have to go so completely fucking mad about it."

She picked up a book from the coffee table and threw it towards the stairs. One if his books, that he'd left lying around. Then another.

"Fuck you," she shouted, and, "Welcome to the new fucking me."

He just stood there and looked at her. The books hadn't gone anywhere near him. After a moment he went upstairs.

Beth felt satisfied. She actually felt quite calm, like that was something she'd needed to do for years and it had just got done. She liked shouting at him, she realized. She liked being angry and acting all aggrieved. It made her feel alive, it was almost addictive. She was starting to understand what he and all his political friends saw in being angry about shit.

She hoped the walls were thick, though. She couldn't usually hear the neighbors, but it might be they just didn't shout at each other. She didn't really want them knowing what was going on in here.

She stayed up late, went to bed at two, shut the door loudly and tossed around and pulled the blankets off him and did everything she could to make sure he woke up.

Now she'd started, she had days and days worth of rage inside her ready to come out.

*

Robert was in the shower when Beth woke up. She could hear water running. She got up and went downstairs, made coffee, put muesli in a bowl for her breakfast. She sat at her big wooden table and chewed slowly.

Robert came downstairs and put on toast. "Should we talk?" he said.

Beth shrugged.

Robert stood there until his toast popped, and she ignored him. He spread peanut butter on his toast, looked at the chair beside her, then sat on the couch.

"Don't eat on the sofa," Beth said.

He looked up at her, and kept eating.

She got up, walked over, and dropped half a bowl of muesli and milk into his lap.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Robert said. He didn't stand up, didn't shout.

"I'm going to have a shower," Beth said, and went upstairs.

She went into the bathroom, and saw Robert's razor and shaving cream and deodorant on the bench. She scooped all three up, went to the top of the stairs, and threw them down.

"Don't leave your shit lying around," she shouted.

The cans and razor bounced down the stairs. The top of the razor came off, and clattered away somewhere. The shaving cream hit a step top-down and spurted some foam out.

It reminded Beth of Ethan coming on the stairs, coming on her, and suddenly she couldn't be bothered fighting with Robert right now.

Robert was standing there watching her. He didn't say a thing.

She went back into the bathroom and slammed the door, and was pretty sure Robert had no idea what to say.

Half an hour later she walked past him without a word and left the house.

She phoned Ethan, and took him to a hotel, and had some of the slowest, dirtiest, sweatiest sex they'd ever had, until all the anger and irritation and annoyance she felt for Robert was burned out of her.

*

Beth went home. Robert had cleaned up the muesli and shaving cream before he left, and had put everything he'd had in the bathroom away somewhere. He must be trying to calm her down.

He didn't come home until late. Beth cooked, pasta and a tomato sauce, and was eating it at the table when he walked in. He stopped in the hall and looked at her.

"Want some?" she said.

He looked at her, a little wary. "Yeah, sure."

She got up, and put some food on a plate. "Wine?" she said.

He nodded.

She put the plate opposite hers, across the table, and handed him the wine. "Cutlery in the drawer."

He sat down and looked at her. After a while he ate some pasta.

"I don't understand you any more," he said.

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know that too."

"Are we okay?"

She looked at him and chewed slowly and didn't answer.

"Beth, I just want to understand what's going on."

"You want to understand what's going on?" she said.

"I do."

"I don't know what's going on."

"Well, maybe you should try harder to work it out.'

She sat there for a moment, the pushed her plate towards him. Pushed it slowly, right across the table, so it hit against his and both of them slid onto his lap. One plate fell onto the floor and broke with a crash.

He sat there and watched her, like he'd thought she was going to stop, right up until everything landed on him.

She stood up and walked around the table and tipped half a glass of wine onto his lap too.

"What was that for?" he said, still quite calm.

"Don't patronize me."

"I wasn't."

"My mistake. It sure as fuck sounded like it."

She was wondering what she was turning into.

"If you want to understand me," she said, "Just listen to me. Instead of talking all the fucking time and asking me such asshole fucking questions."

"Beth, I..."

"I'm going to bed."

He watched her go like some unknowable monster had suddenly appeared in his life, and she was pleased.

Beth lay down in bed and read, the most complicated of her maths books, because for some reason it irritated Robert to have equations in bed with him. He came upstairs after ten minutes and got in the shower, then came into the bedroom.

"I cleaned up," he said.

"Okay."

He climbed into bed behind her. "How do I ask you what's wrong without pissing you off?"

She lay there for a while. "I really don't know if you can."

He put his hand on her hip. She was still sleeping in clothes, so it wasn't as rude as it would have been if she was naked, but it was still an interruption while she read.

She didn't move, didn't respond, but didn't push him away.

She was lying with her back to him. After a while he slid over and kissed her neck.

"No," she said.

"You're tired?"

"Yeah," she said. "Sure."

He looked at her for a while. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"But you don't want me to touch you?"

"Yep."

"Got your period, got a headache, hate the sight of me, what?"

She put down her book, and turned off the light. "I don't want to fuck right now, Robert, it doesn't have to be for a reason."

She wanted to tell him about Ethan, and just get it over with. She didn't know why she hadn't. She wanted to tell him, and get him out her life, and get Ethan back here where he should be. Except she loved Robert and couldn't.

That was probably why she felt so angry.

After a while, in the darkness, he said. "Are you trying to drive me away?"

"No."

"It feels like it."

"I'm not. I'm really not."

He didn't answer.

"I'm angry," Beth said. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Still no answer. After a while he rolled over and seemed to go to sleep.

*

Robert wasn't in bed when Beth woke up the next morning. It seemed late. The sun was up and she could hear traffic outside. He tended to run away after problems, so he might already have gone.

She lay there for a moment, then shouted, "Robert."

No answer. She shouted again, then rolled over and got a vibrator out the drawer.

She needed this. She needed this most days. It inside her, hugging herself, thinking of Ethan.

Robert came in halfway through, saying, "Did you shout?" and then, "Oh shit."

It was warm, so she'd pushed the covers back. She'd taken her underwear off, to reach, and had pulled her tee-shirt up so it didn't get marks on it. She was lying on her back, and had her free arm over her face, pressing her mouth against it, like she did during sex, and like he knew she did during sex. The vibrator was on her, buzzing loud and madly. She hadn't put it inside, where it might conceivably have been hidden, and let her somehow cross her legs and muffle the noise and pretend it wasn't there.

It was obvious what she was doing. There was no way he could misunderstand, and he just stood there and looked at her. Too shocked to move, she thought.

"Fuck off," she said, "For fuck's sake. Let me finish."

He pulled the door closed, and went away. And she made herself come twice, because apparently being horrible felt sexy.

"Should we talk?" he said, when she went downstairs.

"Not a chance."

He looked at her for a while.

"I thought you were gone," she said.

"I know."

"What do you think I do when I'm not fucking you?" she said. "For fuck's sake," and left.

*

Beth had a lecture at the same time as some kind of big political rally near the library. She could hear them in the distance as she walked to her class, shouting and chanting. Robert's political rally, the one he and his friends had been organizing. Beth looked around her class and realized a few of her students were missing. They might be there, but they might just be lazy. She probably wouldn't have noticed if Robert hadn't been irritating her about it lately, talking about the rally, all the time.

"This will be on the exam," she said, and wrote a proof on the board.

They all started writing.

"And don't say that to anyone who isn't here," she said.

Most of them looked confused. A few of them seemed to understand.

Someone must have complained. She got bailed up by two of the older professors on the way back from the tearoom later that afternoon, and asked what she thought she was doing.

She almost said something awful, something she couldn't have got back from. She thought at the last minute, and instead just smiled and said she didn't know what they were talking about.

"In your lecture today."

"Sorry, still no idea."

They didn't push. No balls, she thought. The whole problem with people like that. Chattering gossips, but they wouldn't just stand up and say what they meant.

Someone told Robert, though, and he was sulking and whiney that night.

"Like you aren't writing political shit up on the board all day," she said.

"I'm actually not."

"Because you say it?"

"Because I don't let my political views interfere in my teaching. Even when I believe them strongly."

"Bullshit." She looked at him for a moment, then decided he was serious. "Okay, but you must be the only one in the whole polisci department."

"No idea," he said.

"I'll do it again," she said.

"I know."

"Are you angry?"

He shrugged and walked away.

She went to her office and fucked Ethan on her desk, and wondered why she was still trying so hard with Robert.