Say My Name

"You never tell me you love me. You've never said, 'I love you'. Not once."

"But you know I do," protested Danny.

"Do what? What do I know?"

"Come on. Don't be like that."

"See, you can't even say it now. I'm practically begging you to say it and you won't."

"Why does it matter so much..."

"I've had enough. I'm going to bed. I have to be at the office by 7. Brett has an early patient."

Cait worked for Brett Harris, a young dentist just a few years older than herself. It was just the two of them in the office. She was the only employee that he could afford to pay with a new practice. She did front office work and assisting. A hygienist came in a couple days a week when needed. The patient load was, unfortunately, small and they had a lot of free time between appointments.

The dental office was on the second floor of an old Victorian mansion near the small downtown. They had taken to sunning on the large second floor balcony off of Brett's office between appointments, Brett in shorts and Cait in a fairly modest bikini as bikinis go. They talked a lot and joked with one another, but no "funny stuff". They sometimes talked as friends about her relationship with Danny who she had lived with for the past two years. Brett never tried to talk her into anything. But he was there, sympathetic and attentive.

She didn't hide any of this from Danny. He knew about the sunbathing and everything else. He had met Brett, who he had described as a nice enough, non-threatening sort of guy—a dentist, fercrissakes, he would say dismissively.

Danny was an adventurer of sorts. He flew airplanes, backpacked, rode motorcycles, sailed. But he wasn't really inattentive to Cait. They did lots of things together. Mostly, he modified the adventurous things he did to suit her. She rode on the back of his street bikes, but she rode her own dirt bike when they went trail riding. She joined him on flying trips. She sometimes sailed with him, but tended to get seasick while still on the dock. Most of the time, she was not just a passenger, but a participant.

"You guys are always doing stuff he wants to do. Don't you ever do something you want to do?" asked Brett one afternoon.

"Well, sure. We belong to a flying club and a yacht club. We both enjoy a lot of the social side of those sports."

"Whadda you mean? He was away all last weekend with some motorcycle thing."

"That's the Checkers Motorcycle Club. He's been racing with them since he was a kid. I can't do something like that. He gets his buddies to crew for him, and would just be in the way. They're racing. I'm OK with that."

She wasn't really being defensive; she didn't have to be with Brett. Danny wasn't always off doing things by himself or with the guys and neglecting her. She was relatively passive in her own interests so it wasn't really a bad thing that they did mostly things that interested him, because she was interested in them too—at least enough to tag along.

She had always been that way. Her early boyfriends in school were football players and surfers. She enjoyed being part of the football scene without having to be involved in sports or cheerleading herself; it didn't really interest her.

She was the same with her surfer boyfriends. They would be on their boards while she would lay on the beach sunning herself awaiting their return. This was how she was and it was not really a point of contention in their relationship.

"It works for us, Brett. Danny goes with me to an occasional chick flick without complaint, and he's always up for family get-togethers with his family or mine. He treats me really good, Brett..." she said, then looked away.

"What?" They worked closely enough every day that Brett could read her moods pretty well and the mood changed.

"It's just...well, you know...he won't marry me."

"You ever wonder why?"

"I wonder all the time. I know what he says, but...oh shit. That's Mr. Peterson in the waiting room. We gotta get moving!"

"You'd give him a heart attack in that bikini," Brett laughed grabbing his clothes while Cait jumped in the private bathroom to change.

After the "I Love You" argument of the night before, things were a little quiet between Cait and Danny when she got home. Their spirits picked up a little when they started packing for the weekend trail ride in Jawbone Canyon. She loved these outings, and she was looking forward to good friends, great weather, and clean desert air.

They arrived late Friday night, and had little time to really socialize as everyone was busy setting up camp. Very early next morning started as usual with the men enjoying a testosterone-fueled competitive trail ride, while the women got a big breakfast ready.

Over breakfast, Tina, one of the woman in the group, had a little announcement. "Mark and I are getting married!" Tina and Mark had been living together as long as Danny and Cait had been together. Cait was happy for her, but it was like salt in a wound that had been festering for years between her and Danny.

Cait watched Tina and Mark the rest of the weekend. She was sure she detected a slight difference in the way they related to one another. They were no longer just girlfriend and boyfriend. They were fiances. They were going to be husband and wife. Just labels, really, they still called one another "Honey", but something was different. Like they had some new identity or bond that they didn't have as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Danny didn't want to get married--ever. He always thought he made it clear from the beginning and reiterated it whenever she brought it up. He never led her on. Never said, "maybe" or "some day".

The night they got back from the desert marked one of the most tearful arguments they had ever had.

"Mark and Tina are getting married," she offered.

"I know. Good for them."

"Good for them! Right. What about us? Why wouldn't it be good for us?"

"Come on...we've been all through this. Why does it matter as long as we're together?"

"Why? Why!? I never know what to call you," she blurts out with such force, Danny blinks.

"When I'm out with friends and we talk about our personal life, I don't know what to call you. Are you my room-mate? No! Are you my boyfriend? It sounds so juvenile. My partner? My significant other? Yuck! Soul mate? Double Yuck! Those are ridiculous! None of them describe who we are to one another."

"What do you care what others think?"

"Because it's important. Because saying you are my husband or having you say I am your wife says volumes to other people. Marriage means something. Why doesn't it mean anything to you? Maybe I don't mean that much to you!"

"Oh bullshit. Of course you mean..." but the rest was unheard as Cait fled to the bedroom.

Danny checked the doors, turned off the lights and went to the bedroom. He got undressed, lay down on his back and heard Cait softly crying.

"You never say my name," she said almost at a whisper.

"What? What do you mean?"

"You never call me...anything. No "Cait", no "honey", no "babe"...nothing. You just start talking to me. If I'm upstairs I get, "You up there?"

Exasperated, Danny said nothing. He stared at the ceiling, listened to Cait's quiet sniffling, then fell asleep.

Next morning, Danny got up to find Cait drinking her tea at their little kitchen table. She didn't look up when he walked in.

"Good morning," he offered to stoney silence.

Slowly she looked up at him, eyes red.

"If you can't make a commitment to marry me. If you can't make a formal declaration that you are committed to me, if you can't even make a verbal declaration that you love me, if you can't even say my name, then I wonder what kind of future we really have. We have been pretty happy up until now, but things are unraveling and I don't see what can stop that.

"I need the commitment. I can no longer go on without it. I love you, but I don't see a future."

And so she moved out. She stayed with Carolyn, a girlfriend. It never occurred to her to go to Brett.

She didn't intend it to be a trial separation. She intended it to be a break up. And it was. She didn't see Danny again. He moved out of their apartment days after she did and just sort of disappeared. She knew she could easily find him if she wanted, but she didn't want to.

She enjoyed being with Carolyn, but Carolyn had her own life and it was time to move on with hers. She and Carolyn went apartment hunting and found an affordable place nearer to the dental office.

Her first day of work after the breakup, she broke the news to Brett on the balcony. She could always tell Brett anything, and valued his friendship and opinions very highly. She was very fond of him as a friend, but the last thing on her list was another romance. Brett sympathized with her, but didn't give any indications that he was interested in her romantically now that Danny was out of the picture.

Cait put all her effort into her work at the dental office helping to build the practice. She worked hard to increase the number of patients, and eventually they had to hire a dental assistant so that Cait could devote full time to running the front office and managing the finances.

Before she knew it, more than a year had passed since she broke up with Danny. Her friendship with Brett was strong, but it certainly wasn't going anywhere romantically. Neither one of them were doing anything romantic, but they occasionally went out to dinner together as friends. Mostly, though, they went their separate ways after work.

Then one Friday, "Hello, Cait."

Cait looked up from her appointment calendar to see Danny standing there completely out of the blue. He looked good. Tanned, toned, a little hyper as he always was. She realized at once that she was still attracted to him.

"You look good, Danny."

"Your old phone is disconnected. I thought I'd just come by..."

"Toothache?"

"I was hoping we could..."

"Danny...don't do this."

"Just dinner. To touch base as friends. We can still be friends, can't we?"

"I suppose. Where? When?"

"Uhh...tonight. Anywhere?"

"You pick and I'll meet you there after work. Just dinner, Danny. This isn't anything more."

"OK, just dinner. Thai for Two at seven?"

Dinner proved that nothing had really changed since the breakup. At least not for Cait. She still had feelings for Danny, but she realized she had absolutely no desire to pick up where they left off. When they parted for the evening, Danny kissed her—a scorcher that left her in a prickly heat—but it was a parting kiss, not the beginning of anything. They were both glad to get together again, but both realized it was closure for them.

Cait didn't see Brett over the weekend, but that was typical. Monday morning was hectic as always, but they managed to have a cold drink together on the balcony that afternoon as they had for more than a year. They talked a little about the office, but it was clear that Brett wanted to ask her about her date with Danny. She told Brett about the evening as if Brett were a girlfriend. She always had.

"God, Brett. It felt really good to be out with a man again, even if it was just Danny," she laughed. "In fact, when that guy at my apartment asked me out for the umpteenth time, I said yes. You should have seen his face! We went out Saturday, and turns out he's a really good dancer."

Brett smiled at her. Her happiness was always so infectious he couldn't help it.

"A year long drought, then two dates in one weekend. You'd have been proud of me", Cait prattled on.

Brett wasn't so much proud as beside himself. He had given Cait "space" all this time. He didn't pressure her and besides, any time he even casually flirted, she spun away from it with a flirty laugh. She apparently was not going to let anything develop.

He finally realized he was jealous and becoming resentful. He'd waited all this time because he thought she wanted space.

"Cait! I don't want to be friends anymore." Cait looked at him like he had slapped her. "I mean, I...I want to be more, but you chatter at me like I'm a girlfriend. You look right through me like I'm not even a man. I don't want that anymore."

"Brett...I had no idea...I don't know what to say."

She had often wondered why Brett had never made a pass at her—she was even a little hurt that he hadn't. But she was so grateful for his friendship, and worried that a romance would destroy that. She assumed he felt the same. Apparently, he didn't.

They'd been out to movies and dinner as friends for years, but they had never been out on a "real date". They decided to make it the next night, Tuesday, since the office was closed Wednesdays.

The date was awkward for both of them. He tried to kiss her. She laughed at the situation, then regretted it. "I wasn't laughing at you—I just feel so...awkward."

They worked on it, though and finally...they had a pleasant evening, meaning it was disappointing to Brett and still awkward to Cait.

Brett kept after her. He asked for a date every weekend and sometimes again on Tuesdays. He came across a little silly to Cait, she just wasn't used to him treating her like this, but Brett was obviously trying.

Over time, he insisted that he wanted to "court" her. She tried very hard not to laugh and just accept that Brett was a lot different from Danny and that wasn't a bad thing at all. She did mock him a little about "courting", but on reflection she realized that he had been courting her for a very long time. He had always been there. Had helped her grow. Made her laugh, particularly when she wanted to cry.

It wasn't long before she realized she might be in love with Brett, and that Brett had been in love with her from the beginning. The awkwardness between them disappeared.

More than a year passed before Danny returned. Brett later called him the zombie boyfriend from hell. Danny joked with her at the front desk.

"So good to see you again, Cait. What say we go out this weekend? Instead of just dinner, how about a night of dancing—like old times."

Brett watched quietly from the doorway of his operatory.

"That would be great, Danny!" She stood up. "Do you think this will get in the way?" She was very pregnant.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. Who's the lucky guy?"

"I'm the lucky guy, Danny. The luckiest guy in the world, in fact," said Brett from behind Danny.

"Well, that's great. Congratulations to both of you. This calls for a celebration. How about the three of us go to dinner—we can skip the dancing," he laughs.

"I don't think so, Danny. We have plans for tonight, and for a long time afterward, don't we, Brett?"

"We sure do. I love you, Cait."

"I love you, Brett. See, Danny. That's how it's done."

"OK, OK, I get it," Danny laughed. "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings. But Danny? No more visits."