Second Best

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I looked down at the legal pad in front of me, clicked the pen to extend the point and then began writing.

"Dear Grace,

By the time you read this I will be gone. It is a difficult decision for me, but one made necessary by your actions. It is all the more difficult because you did give me the best fifteen years of my life, but I do have to say that this last year has sucked big time.

I have loved you since the eighth grade and the happiest day of my life was the day you said "I do" and I slid my ring on your finger. That happiness blinded me to one simple fact. I was second best. You made a choice when you were in the eighth grade and that choice wasn't me. I was in the background as you and Dale started your journey. True, you did occasionally turn to me, but it was only temporary because you wanted company when Dale wasn't around, but I was still only second best even though I never thought it or even considered it.

But in the last nine months you have made it clear that I was only second best. Imagine, if you will, my surprise when Dave told me that Dale was back and working in the same office as you. Imagine my surprise when I found out that he had been back and working with you for six months. You never once mentioned to me that he was back. But then you never mentioned a lot of other things either. Things like having lunch with him almost every day. Things like having dinner with him every Monday night. Things like spending your "girl's night out" with him every Wednesday night at the Landing Strip. And oh yes, not to forget that you never mentioned the kissing and hand holding that you did every time the two of you were together.

There could have been more, much more I suppose, but I never had the heart to dig any deeper than I already had. What I have already listed here was enough to crush me. I doubt I could bear knowing anything else.

I love you enough to want you to be happy so I am getting out of the way and freeing you up to go with your first choice. The house is yours. I have taken the few things that I want and the rest is yours. I have taken half of the savings and checking accounts and five of the nine certificates of deposit that were in the safe deposit box.

I am going to leave it up to you to handle the divorce.

I hope you and Dale will be happy together.

Rob

++++++++++++++++++++

The company had been asking me for over a year to move to Baltimore and take over the office there. I had always turned them down because Grace and I were settled in and happy where we were. However, given the circumstances vis a vis Grace and Dale I no longer wanted to stay in town and I told my boss I would take the transfer.

I told the receptionist that I was getting divorced and that if Grace called not to tell her that I had transferred to Baltimore and then to tell her that she had been directed to not take any more of Grace's calls. I cancelled my cell phone service, signed up with a new provider and got a new phone number and then headed for Baltimore.

I was in Baltimore almost five weeks before Grace found out where I was. One morning my secretary rang me on the intercom and told me that I had a call on line 3. I picked up the phone and said:

"This is Rob."

"You are a hard man to find."

"Apparently not hard enough. What do you want Grace?"

"We need to talk Rob."

"No we don't Grace. It is -- what did you call it when I asked you about what happened between you and Dale all those years ago -- "A closed chapter in my life and I plan on keeping it that way?" That is where things are now Grace. It is a closed chapter."

"You don't understand Rob. What you saw isn't what you thought it was."

"Grace, there is no doubt that what I saw is exactly what I saw. Nice talking with you Grace. Bye."

I punched the button on the intercom and told Marge not to take any more calls from Grace and she laughed. "You have bigger problems than that boss. Apparently she called on her cell from here inside the building. Unless you plan on jumping out your fourth floor window to leave your office you will have to come out your office door and she is sitting right here."

I sighed and said, "You might as well send her in."

The door opened and Grace walked in and seeing her took my breath away. She was still the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. As she closed the door behind her I said:

"Why are you here Grace? What do you want?"

"You."

"What happened? Dale bail out on you?"

"Dale was never in a position to bail out on me. If you had taken the time to talk to me you would have known that."

"If I had taken the time to talk to you? The talk should have happened a year ago and it should have gone something like this. "Hey honey, guess what? Dale just moved back to town and he will working in my office with me." But that isn't what happened is it Grace? He was back six months before I heard about it and even then it wasn't from you. Then there were three more months without a word from you, and God knows I got nothing from you on what you were doing with Dale for those nine months. No Grace, don't you dare come in here and hit me with that I should have talked with you shit! You had nine months to talk to me and you never said a goddamned word. Now, why are you here?"

"I need your address and a key so I can move my stuff in."

"Move your stuff in?"

"Yes Rob, move my stuff in. You live here now and I'm your wife so I need to move here too. I quit my job, put the house up for sale and here I am."

"I don't understand. What about you and Dale?"

"There is no me and Dale. There never was a me and Dale. If you had come to me when you found out what you found out and had asked me what was going on I would have told you. The reason I never told you that Dale was back and in my office was that I was afraid that if you knew I wouldn't be able to do what I wanted to do. Our being there in the same office would have had an effect on your feelings and attitudes and knowing my past with Dale would have had an impact on what you thought.

"You are human Rob, and it would have been human nature for you to wonder and worry and some things might have happened that you might have read the wrong way. You might have gone looking for Dale to remind him that I wasn't his any more. You might have started stopping by my office more often or started coming down to the Strip on Wednesdays and I didn't want that. I needed to be able to go after Dale without any interference."

"You aren't making any sense here Grace. First you say that there was never was a Dale and you and now you are saying that you needed to be able to go after him without me getting in the way. From what I saw Grace, you got him. Or were all those necking sessions' just figments of my imagination?"

"No Rob, they weren't, and that's when you should have come to me and asked me just what I was doing."

"And that would have been?"

"Getting even Rob. Getting back at that asshole."

"Those were some pretty hot make out sessions with some one you think of as an asshole."

"Well he was an asshole Rob. Actually he still is an asshole. What else would you call someone who deliberately sets out to seduce another man's wife?"

"This conversation is not making any sense at all Grace. First there is no Dale and you and then it is I need to be kept in the dark so you could go after Dale. Next, he is an asshole, but I saw you in some pretty steamy make out sessions with the asshole and that is just what I saw. I have no idea of what went on that I didn't see, but nothing you have said so far adds up."

"I didn't do anything else Rob."

"That's what you say Grace, but given the circumstances I have no reason to believe you. In fact, I have every reason to doubt whatever you tell me. But that is neither here nor there. Right now I am at work and I have things to do so I don't have time for this."

"Fine. Give me your address and a key. I'll have dinner waiting when you get home and we can talk over dinner and a bottle of wine."

"I don't think so Grace. I made a clean break when I left. I said all I had to say in the letter that I left you. If you want to talk I'll give you that, but not at my place. There is a restaurant just down the street and I'll meet you there when I get off at five-thirty. I'll listen to what you have to say, but based on your actions of the past year don't be surprised if I don't believe much of what you say. Now if you will excuse me I really do have to get back to work."

She sat there and looked at me for several seconds and then she got up and left. As I watched the door close behind her I wondered what it was that she really wanted? The fact that she found me wasn't surprising because so many of our mutual acquaintances knew where I was, but why did she bother? I gave her what she wanted. I left and gave her and Dale a clear field.

Grace was sitting in a booth when I got to the restaurant and as I slid in across from her Albert, our waiter, asked me, "The usual Mr. Roberts?"

"Yes Albert, thank you."

"Still drinking vodka tonics with a twist of lime" Grace asked.

"Some things don't change."

Grace was silent for a couple of seconds and then said, "Why did you leave me a letter instead of just talking to me?"

"Why talk? I wouldn't have believed anything you would have said."

"I've never lied to you Rob."

"Sure you have Grace. You lied to me for nine months. Not outright maybe, but what you were doing behind my back was a lie. A lie of omission rather than commission, but a lie none the less."

"Even if you did feel that way you still should have talked to me instead of sneaking away."

"You can call it sneaking away if you like, but I left without facing you because I didn't think I could bear the pain of seeing the joy in your eyes when I set you free to be with Dale. I set you free Grace so you could be with Dale. Now, why are you here?"

"I'm here because this is where you are. That little matter of "till death do you part" that we agreed to eleven years ago."

"What about the "hold only unto you" part or are vows selective in your eyes?"

"I held to that part too Rob. There was nothing going on between Dale and me except in Dale's mind. I didn't tell you about Dale being back because I knew that you would never go along with what I wanted to do. You probably would have understood why I wanted to do it, but human nature would have gotten in the way of your letting me do it. There wasn't any way that you would have let me spend as much time with Dale as I needed without starting to worry that instead of my getting revenge I might end up back with Dale. You would wonder if I was really doing what I said I was or was I just using the revenge story as cover to be with Dale. Human nature Rob; no one is immune to it."

"Revenge? Revenge for what?"

"You remember when I flew out to San Francisco? Well, I didn't tell Dale I was coming. I found him shacked up with a big titted blonde. I asked her who she was and she told me that she was Dale's fiancée. I noticed that she wasn't wearing a ring and I commented on it and she told me that they just hadn't gotten around to picking it out yet. I took mine off and handed it to her, spit in Dale's face and came home. I carried a lot of anger around with me when I got home. Nine years of my life were spent believing that Dale and I were forever and then I found out that I had been replaced in less than three months. I buried my anger and then got on with my life.

"Then Dale came back. I saw him get out of his car from my office window and the sight of him brought all that buried anger back and I started thinking of ways that I could get back at him. I knew he was an arrogant asshole and I knew that as soon as he saw me he would try to convince me that the big titted bimbo was a mistake and that he was sorry and so forth and that's when I decided to stick it to him."

"And you couldn't tell me that?"

"No I couldn't. I was going to let him think that he could seduce me. I was going to lead him on and send him home with blue balls every chance I got and I knew that you would never go along with it so I never told you that he was back."

"And I'm supposed to believe that this seduction took nine months and that for nine months all you did was make out?"

"No Rob. In the first place it didn't go on for nine months. It was three weeks before Dale even knew that I worked there and when he came back he didn't come to my department. It was three and a half months before he started working in my office. Once he found out that I was there it took him three months before I was even civil to him and then another month and a half before I agreed to have lunch with him. He did know where we stopped on Wednesday nights for drinks and he started stopping, but I wouldn't have anything to do with him. I knew that he would keep trying so I made him work for it. I ignored him until he got me to have that first lunch with him.

"It went just as I knew it would. He'd made a big mistake. It was just that I had been the only one in his life and he wondered what other women were like and blah, blah, blah. By the time he realized that I was the one all along it was too late; I'd found out and walked out on him. He'd thought of me every day since and could I ever forgive him and on and on and on. After that first lunch it was two weeks before I let him dance with me at the bar and then after a couple of more lunches I agreed to have dinner with him on a Monday night.

"I let him think that he was slowly winning me over and we had just reached the light kissing and hand holding stage when you apparently found out that he was back. I'm guessing that is when you started watching to see what was going on."

"And all of that was supposed to be leading where?"

"He thought he was going to get me to cheat on you and I let him think that it might happen."

"Go on."

"I let the necking get gradually hotter and hotter. I let him play with my covered boobs and I let him get a hand up my dress a couple of times. I let him get as far as being able to touch my pussy through my panties with a finger before pushing his hand away. I even rubbed his erection through his trousers a couple of times. I kept saying no, that it wouldn't be right, that I was married and couldn't, but I never said it forcefully enough to drive him away. I led him on and on and I would have liked another month to mess with him, but I came home one night to find your letter and that changed everything. I needed to put him down right away and get to work on finding you. The night after I got your letter I nailed him."

"You nailed him?"

"I told him that you went out of town on business and that I couldn't fight the attraction anymore. I told him that I missed him and his strong arms and then I told him to get a motel room and call me with the room number and I would meet him there. Then I drove over to 12th Street and paid one of the street walkers to go meet him at the room. I told her that when he asked who she was she was to tell him that I had changed my mind and that I just couldn't see cheating on my husband with a guy who had a small cock, but that I'd felt guilty over making him pay for a room so I sent her instead.

"The next day he came into the office livid and before he could say anything I told him to fuck off and leave me alone or I'd file a sexual harassment complaint against him. Then I started looking for you."

"And I'm supposed to believe all of this?"

"Why not? It is all true. Think about it Rob. You were watching me so you know that I didn't do anything except make out with Dale. You could account for all of my time when I was at work, at the bar, at lunch time and on Monday nights and all the rest of the time I was with you. When could I have done anything else? Add to that the fact that the more time I spent with the asshole the more I appreciated what I had in you and that appreciation led to a renewed and very active sex life for us. You were way wrong in your letter Rob. Yes, you were second choice, but you were never second best Rob - never!"

I sat there looking at her and I wanted to believe her, but I still had doubts. True, I didn't see her do anything but kiss and hold hands, but then I really didn't watch her full time. After the first two weeks of watching I only checked on her at lunch time maybe one day out of five. Did I know what she did on the other four? I only watched her have dinner with Dale on a Monday four times and true, she did nothing but hold hands and kiss while I was watching, but what of the other nights when I wasn't there watching? Same with Wednesdays. I know what I saw on the nights I watched, but what about the others? Did I know that on the nights I wasn't watching they didn't go to the Strip, but went somewhere else?

What about the time she wasn't at work and was at home. Did she really go shopping when she left the house for four or five hours? When she left at eleven on Saturday to get her hair and nails done did I know that she didn't also squeeze in a visit with Dale and do him before she came home? I wanted to believe what she told me, but the doubts were there and she had planted those doubts when she hid from me the fact that Dale was back.

I told Grace what I'd just been thinking and then said, "Once you plant doubt it never goes away. It will sit in the back of your mind and just wait for something to trigger it. I don't know that I can live like that Grace. I've loved you for what seems like forever. I loved you enough to want you to be happy so I got out of the way so you and Dale could go forward. But I don't know that I love you enough to spend the rest of my life living with doubts. Something happens and you are a few hours late coming home and doubt is going to go to work and make me think "I wonder if she is with Dale." It won't matter what you tell me the cause was, I will still have had the thought. Phone calls with no one saying anything when I pick up will have me wondering if it was Dale. I get those kinds of calls now even living alone and they don't matter at all, but they will if we get back together and all because you didn't tell me about Dale.

"You leave the house to go shopping and when you come home I'll be looking at what you bought and thinking, "Did it really take her as long as she was gone to get that much or was some of the time spent doing something else and maybe with Dale." That isn't me Grace. That isn't the man I was before Dale came back, but that is the man I might become thanks to the doubt that you have planted in my mind. I really don't know that I can live like that Grace."

Grace reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "I'll just have to make damned sure that I don't do anything to wake that doubt up. I want you Rob. I need you. I need to be with you and I'll do whatever I have to do to prove it, but I guess I'm going to have to give you some time to think about it."

Dinner arrived and we ate in silence and when all the plates were cleared off the table and we had finished our coffee she reached for her purse.

"I need to find me a room for the night. Where is the closest motel?"

I was going to tell her where the Quality Inn was, but at the last second I said, "You can stay at my place."

She followed me to my apartment and when we were inside I told her to take the bedroom and I'd take the couch. "Nonsense" she said, "This is your home. I'll take the couch" and I didn't argue with her.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

The bed shifted and it woke me up and I started to sit up, but an arm went across my chest and Grace's voice came at me out of the darkness.

"Relax baby, it is just me." She snuggled up next to me and said, "This is where I'm supposed to be baby; this is where I need to be."