Shades of Blue Ch. 02

Back in the bar I sat next to my new wife, just holding her hand. I couldn't stop gazing at her. It was hard to take in that this beautiful lady beside me had, in a single day, gone from being the mother, who I had adored for years, to being the woman I was going to spend the whole of the rest of my life making love to.

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It was at this point the realisation of what we were doing really hit me and I think I went into a kind of shock.

Tonight, for the first time since that night. when a neighbour phoned the police, to report 'a domestic' ...... I was going to sleep with my mother.

The memories of that night came flooding back and I couldn't stop myself from shaking. My father had attacked her. I don't know what started this particular row, but I think he was drunk, again. I tried to get between them to stop him from hitting her, and he punched me in the face. When the police arrived, my mouth was bleeding and mum was on the lounge floor, crying and bleeding from her head. She was having trouble breathing because he had also kicked her in the stomach. The police immediately arrested him and took him to the police station, where he was charged with two counts of 'Assault'.

A policewoman stayed with us at the hospital, where I was examined first. Then Mum was checked over, including x-rays and photographs of her injuries, for evidence. Then the police took us home.

That night I slept in Mum's bed with her, and she held me close all night. I say 'we slept', but I don't think either of us did much sleeping.

The next day Mum took me to the police station with her and told them she wanted to press charges. They took her statement, and then a very nice lady asked me what I had seen and what had happened. She wrote it all down and I had to sign it. She then talked with Mum for a while and gave her the name of a solicitor to begin divorce proceedings.

When dad came up in court, he was sent to prison for 6 months. Mum's solicitor asked for, and got, a restraining order preventing him from coming within a certain distance from her, the house or me, when he got out. The divorce papers were served on him in prison, and within a couple of months of his release, we were free of him.

At the time I was 8 years old!

The difference tonight, of course was, I would not be a little boy, frightened and crying, and who she was comforting. Tonight I was her new husband, and I would be making love to her in our bed for the first time in our lives.

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Joanne was looking at me with a worried look on her face. She could see something was hurting inside me. "Paul ......?" She said taking my hand. "What is it?"

I squeezed her hand, "I am all right" I said, "but I need to bring you up to date on what I told the hotel while you were in the hairdressers. Nothing to be alarmed over, but just a few things you need to be aware of, so when you have finished your drink I think we should go up to the room so we can talk."

"Are you sure everything is all right?" she asked "Only you went very pale and you are shaking."

"I am all right now." I said, "I just had a momentary 'flash back' but I am OK now. I had to elaborate on our story a little," I said, "So it's best if you know what I have said, then, if anything is mentioned you will know where it is coming from.

There is no rush, just keep remembering that this is our wedding day, relax and take things slowly. After all, much as we might want to, it wouldn't be seemly to be seen rushing back to our room, would it. We don't want people to think we are sex mad, do we?"

I leaned in closer and whispered, "Even if I am! ..... Oh my love, I am going to make you so happy that we have found the courage to tell each other how we feel. I can't wait to hold you and bring out 'Anna', the girl I met and so loved to be with, in your room."

I planted a tiny kiss behind her ear, where it wouldn't make a mess of her make up, and was again rewarded with that lovely little shiver and her intake of breath.

"Not here ... please." Joanne said. "I may look composed, but believe me it's only an act. If you start doing that, the way I am feeling just now, somehow I don't think the hotel would approve of what I will do to you. Wedding day or not, I don't think the manager would approve. Well! Not in front of an audience, in the hotel bar, anyway."

She finished her wine and I picked up both of our glasses. I put the empty glasses on the bar and thanked the barman. Then I took Joanne's hand in mine and led her to the lift. I had not really noticed up to this point, just how many pairs of eyes were watching us. Most of the men had an envious 'you lucky bastard' sort of look on their faces, and there was a dewy eyed, soft smile on the faces of the couple of ladies present.

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Once back in our room I took her in my arms and just held her. I knew I couldn't kiss her in case I spoiled her make up, so I held her close and told her how much I loved her. Then we sat on the sofa and I told her about the story I had concocted for Lisa and the manager.

I told her everything I had told them, the whole fantasy! The 'best mans speech' the 'insults' he thought were jokes, the fight, her crying in the bathroom while I frantically searched for a room for our wedding night on the internet, the whole tale.

I told her that it was Lisa who had asked Marie in the salon to stay late to sort out her hair and make up. How the manager had been listening in the office behind reception and how I had offered to pay the full rate for this suite, but that he had refused and insisted that the upgrade was the hotel's wedding present to us.

I grinned at the memory, as I told her about what I thought I had seen pass between him and Lisa, and I told Joanne everything I thought was happening there.

"Paul" she said "I think it's time I told you about some of the things which led up to your father and I splitting up. There are things you need to know. Things I have never been able to tell you about. Now, with the night you have planned for us and the step we are intending to take, before we do I want to tell you the whole truth. There are things which happened between him and me, you never knew anything about. You were far too young then to know about those things. I wanted to tell you earlier. That's why I showed you my 'box of shame', I was going to tell you then, but you wouldn't listen. But you have to know, or it is going to come back and haunt us later."

"No it won't" I said, taking her hands in mine, "I won't let it. All right, I admit, some of the things in that box were a bit of a surprise to me, but don't you see, they don't matter. It is not a 'box of shame' at all, it is just where you kept some personal items that you sometimes needed.

Tonight is a celebration of our love for each other and I will not permit anything to spoil that. Tomorrow, when we get home, we are going to have to figure out how we are going to manage to live together as man and wife, without any nosey outsiders noticing. Then I will listen! We can talk about whatever you want, then, but NOT tonight. We have the rest of our lives to talk, to get to know each other, not as mother and son, but as lovers, and to make decisions about what is and is not important to us."

"Tonight is for us, as a newly married couple, to begin our married lives together. All of my life we have been together, I know, but from today everything has changed. We can't be the people we were yesterday. I know, everything has happened to us so fast our heads are spinning with it. Things have happened to us so fast that you are afraid it could fall apart just as quickly, but I promise you, my love, that it won't."

"When I was about eleven or twelve, I knew you were the most important person in the world to me. I thought then, it was just because you were my mother. I thought every boy felt like that about his mother, but I quickly realised, although other boys loved their Mums, for me it was different, I didn't know why it was, but I knew it was not the same for them as it was for me. I thought maybe it was because, with dad being no longer around, there was only you, but because it was so different, somehow I just knew I had to hide how I was feeling."

"I think I was fifteen, maybe sixteen, when I began to understand what those feelings were. What the meaning of the feelings I had whenever I was near you, was. Then I was ashamed, because by then I was old enough to know, what I felt was wrong. You talk about your 'box of shame'! My shame wouldn't fit into a shoe box -- Mine would need a huge packing case."

"For years I have wanted to take you out on a proper 'date', but I was too afraid to ask. How could I have asked 'Will you go out with me? Not as my mother, but as a proper date, because I think I am in love with you!' Then I saw a way I could at least ask for a date and take you out properly. I made it into a 'fun bet', a 'joke', if you like, when I challenged you to read that book. Yes, the book is a good, erotic read, and I still don't think it is pornographic. Let's be honest though, it isn't exactly 'Great Literature' is it? But whatever you thought of it, either way, I would still get to take you out, on a date. That would be, for me, a fantasy come true. Just to be able to take you out as my date for the evening. I could pretend for a few short hours, if only to myself, you were my girlfriend. That was why I was so insistent it was 'a date' even when you tried to tell me it wasn't. I was living my fantasy and I wasn't going to let go of it that easily."

"This morning, as you know, I saw something I wasn't supposed to see. I know I shouldn't have watched, but I couldn't stop myself. Watching you like that, you looked so beautiful, but even then, somehow I felt you were sad, so alone. I longed to hold you, to comfort you. Your sadness almost made me want to cry. The sexual tension seemed to take hold of us both, so I used needing to go into town, almost as an excuse to go and take a shower. I finished off with almost cold water, just so I could cool my thoughts down a little.

When I came back down after my shower, I don't think either of us had calmed down very much, and the tension was still there. I suggested I go and get out your dress for tonight, but you followed me upstairs and the tension between us in your bedroom was almost electric. It was so strong that it just took control of me, and that was when I kissed you."

"In that moment I felt something wonderful 'happen' between us. I knew you had felt it too and it had scared you, probably even more than it did me, but my whole being cried out 'kiss her again you fool, kiss her again'. That second kiss was when I knew you really wanted me too. You were still fighting it, hiding it, mainly from yourself, struggling against what your body was telling you, but I knew.

Now I knew I had to either convince you to stop fighting and follow your heart, or cut and run.

Something told me that finding 'Anna' was the key.

Without quite understanding how it had happened, we had created a fictional extra person within you. One who could be my 'date' not my mother, and as my date, she could allow me to hold her and kiss her like this, which, as my mother you thought you couldn't."

"That third kiss was the battleground. If I have ever put all my eggs into one basket, I did it then. That was the moment, I knew my whole life could become either heaven or hell! I still half expected you to push me away, and just for a moment you still resisted, but then you found your 'escape clause'. 'Anna' really was there, she was inside you, but she was more than a 'way out'. She really was you. The moment you found her, you surrendered. That was the moment when I knew you were mine."

"Of course I knew that I could have made love to you, I am not that innocent, I could see how aroused you were. I am not a saint, if it had been anyone other than you, I would have 'gone for it' and taken advantage of the opportunity. The reason I pulled back was not just because you were my mother. I want to make that completely clear. I had fantasised about making love to you for so long, it was all my wildest dreams rolled into one - but that was also why I couldn't do it. You are the woman I love, and if I had pressed on, I wouldn't have been making love to you. I would have been fucking you!"

"If we had fucked at that moment, something inside told me that after the 'ecstasy' would have come the 'agony'. You would have been so ashamed of what we had done, you would have blamed yourself. We only shared three kisses you went and locked yourself in the bathroom, in tears, because of what you felt, and what you knew you had wanted us to do. Imagine how you would have been feeling if I had taken that 'next step', laid you down and actually fucked you? Because if I had taken that step, at that moment, that's what it would have been."

"How could you have even allowed me to stay in the same house as you? If I had taken advantage of you like that you would never have trusted me again.

That's why I rushed off into town, we had to be apart. We both had to 'cool off' or we would have done something we would never have been able to forgive ourselves for."

"When I bought that underwear, my head was still spinning with the thoughts of what I had had the chance to do, but had stopped and moved back from. By the time I got home I had regained some control. I knew we had to talk about what had happened between us in your room. I knew you had felt my love for you, as I had felt yours for me.

We couldn't just pretend it hadn't happened, so we had to discuss where we went from here."

"So! For the last four or five hours you have known that I am in love with you. I have known that for four or five years, and I still can't believe what has happened today. I still can't believe I threw caution to the wind this morning. How could I risk everything by kissing you like that?

That kiss told you that I loved you. For years I had wanted to tell you, but didn't dare to. Now you knew! I knew you loved me, but your love had always been mother's love for her son. Had I read something into that kiss that wasn't really there? Something that was just what I had wanted for so long? I really didn't know!

I do understand though, how much of a shock discovering these new feelings must have been for you. Having your son tell you he is in love with you, telling you that he wants you to be, in all but name, his wife. Knowing he wants an adult, sexual relationship with you. It is hardly an everyday occurrence is it?

Suddenly, in less than one day, I am asking you to see me, not as 'your little boy' but as a 'life partner and lover'. If I assume what you said at home, still holds, and I know we wouldn't be here if it didn't, this is what you want too."

"What I need to know is how you are feeling about this now? Now we are on the point of it actually happening. Of us actually going to bed together, as a newly married couple, with everything that entails, what are your thoughts and feelings now?.

If in the deepest recess of your mind, you don't feel you are ready yet to take this step. Unless you are absolutely sure you want me to 'sleep with you' - tonight I will sleep on this sofa. No-one in the hotel will know, but I won't lay a finger on you unless you are sure you want me to.

It won't stop me loving you, nothing will ever do that. I have loved you for a long time, in secret.

The only difference as far as I am concerned, is that now you know that I love you. I have dreamed and fantasised about being like this, with you, for years. So what if tonight doesn't happen?

I have already realised most of my fantasies just by holding you and kissing you. Having you knowing how I feel about you, and you letting me hold you and kiss you is a dream come true for me. If it takes another year before you are ready to take this final step, I will just have to wait -- and I will wait. I will wait forever if need be.

What I will not do, is make you do something you are not completely happy with.

If you think, now we have come this far, you have no choice. If you think it's now too late for you to back out, and you have to take this last step - If you have the slightest doubt that I really do love you, as I say I do.

Then I will sleep here, and tomorrow we can go home and try to work out where we are going with our lives together. But whatever you decide, we will be together. I said earlier, that nothing is going to happen that we don't both want to happen, and I meant it."

Joanne squeezed my hands and stood up, drawing me to my feet. "You are the one who likes to quote song lyrics, so here is one, from me: -- Elvis. - 'A little less conversation, a little more action' -- seems to fit the moment, don't you think?"

Not to be outdone, I grinned at her. "I can live with that .... But how about - Dr Hook. - 'When you think I've loved you all I can, I'm going to love you a little bit more'."

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She led me into the bedroom and pushed the door closed behind us. I could feel she was embarrassed and a bit shy, standing in this beautiful bedroom with me, her son. She put her arms around my neck and held me tightly to her. She could feel I was already aroused, my hard cock was pressing against her tummy, and she couldn't stop herself from shaking. I guided her to the bed and sat her on the edge, before sitting beside her, gently lifting her chin so that she was looking into my eyes. "It's all right" I said "I know this is a huge step, but believe me, we don't have to do anything if you don't want to."

"Are you ever going to stop talking?" she said. "Just at this moment I really don't want to think about this too much. I am sure, next time I will be fine, but, for me, and I know for you too, this first time is going to be an enormous step, but it is one that I am ready, and more than willing to take."

She stood up and took off her jacket, carefully folding it and laid it on one of the chairs. Then she unfastened her skirt and, stepping out of it, put it with the jacket. Her blouse very quickly joined them and she then took off her shoes and her tights. For a moment she stood looking at me, wearing only her bra and panties, then she reached behind her back and released the fastenings of her bra, slipping it forward to reveal her breasts. Never taking her eyes from mine, for what seemed like a lifetime, but was in reality only, a few seconds, she remained standing by the chair.

I knew these were the biggest few seconds of my life as she made the decision which would define our future lives. Then she slowly walked back to where I still sat on the edge of the bed and stood before me.

"It has been a long time since I have been with a man, so please be gentle with me Paul. Later we can explore all kinds of possibilities but this, our first time, more than anything else, please, I need you to be kind and to love me. Undressing like I have, in front of you, is the only way I can think of, right now, to convince you that I really do want to be with you, here, now. The last step, though, is too much for me to take all of the responsibility for, on my own. You have to share this moment and accept the responsibility for everything it means, with me. I do want to be your wife in every way and I do want you to make love to me. I am making this commitment to you, as you made yours to me before we left home.

Paul, you say that you truly love me. You say you want me to be yours for the rest of my life. Only one other man has ever said that to me, and as you know he beat me, and then left me. Having you to focus on, to care for and look after, was all that kept me sane through those dark times. I know you are not like him. I believe you when you say you love and want me ...... But, if you truly do love me and want me to be your partner for life, you have to be the one to take my panties off."