All Comments on 'Sharing An Actual Sexperience'

An exciting scene that portrays true dominance and submission.

Interesting use of POV. I also enjoyed how it kept me guessing what would come next. Nice work.

Mixing dialog and narrative made it more visible. I could visualize the scene as I read it. A well-executed realization of an interesting concept. Now for my quibbles:

I rewarded her by pulled my finger from her mouth and sliding it one knuckle keep into her pussy.: No, I rewarded her by pulling my finger from her mouth and sliding it one knuckle deep into her pussy.

She whined helplessly about wanting it but I wanted to her her beg.: No, She whined helplessly about wanting it but I wanted to hear her beg.

As I began to massage deep inside of her pussy I could feel and hear an orgasm building up inside of her.: No, “inside of” is unnecessary and tautological. Should be “inside her pussy”. You could hear an orgasm building up inside of her? What are you using, sonar? And again, “inside of her” is unnecessary; inside of whom else would this orgasm be building? Too many wasted words. Sentence should read: “As I began to massage deep inside her pussy I could feel her orgasm building.”

I slipped a third finger into her and began to finger her harder. As her breathing increased I began to finger her harder and faster.: Why “began” twice? Better still, why “began” at all? Writing stroke is like Nike sneakers--Just Do It! Try this: “I slipped in a third finger and drove into her harder. As her breathing increased I went even harder and faster.”

Words are to a writer what rounds are to a soldier in a firefight. Don’t waste any.

She was crying and laid there silently.: No, she lay there silently. Check out the various grammatical essays at the Resources link. No need for me to chew the cabbage twicet.

We laid there for a few minutes: No, only if you were chickens. As you are humans you lay there.

Good job.