Shutdown Fever

The second time, I should have known better when he called and asked me over for a couple of drinks. I refused at first, but he hinted that he would find a way to tell you about our first tryst if I didn't come over. I think I just expected we might fool around like we had the first time, but it didn't work out that way. He gave me a little bit more to drink and it wasn't long before we ended up in bed. There's no easy way to explain it, but this time I spent the night in his bed and we had sex several times. You know the rest.

I feel so terrible about it all. I have never done that sort of thing with him or with anyone else any other time. I've had lots of time to think about what I did, and I can't blame you for how you've reacted. If the situation was reversed I realize that I would have done the same thing myself.

Please write back to me and tell me how you feel about me. I'm scared to read what you might say, but I'm praying that you might be able to see some way to forgive me.

Your loving wife, Donna.

********

Hugh reread the letter slowly while his stomach churned. It got especially bad as he reread the paragraphs describing what she had done with Jerry. Seeing her confirm what he had believed jolted him. He realized that somewhere deep down he had hoped to hear that it was all a mistake on his part. Knowing it wasn't a mistake was forcing him back to tackling his feelings head on. He turned off his computer, and lay down on his bed. The next two hours were spent staring at the ceiling, deep in thought, until finally sleep overtook him. He awoke the next morning on top of the covers and still fully clothed.

By the time he returned to his room that night, he knew what he had to do. Without hesitating, he turned on his laptop and began to write.

********

Dear Donna;

I'm very happy to hear that Bobby seems to be doing well. I don't know whether you should let him know we are communicating or not. If you don't think it would create a problem, please tell him that I think of him often.

I will be here for at least another month. I have the option of renewing my contract in two week extensions after that. I haven't yet decided what I will do when my first term finishes. It will all depend on where we stand I think.

The only way I can see for us to get past this would be for you to completely describe everything that was said and done when you were with Jerry. Unless you can do that, I cannot be sure that I could ever get past it. Once I do know all of the sordid details I'll be able to better judge what I can forgive, and whether I could ever forget it.

I'm not going to make you any promises. I have to say, though, that any further betrayal would be the end of us for sure. The only possible way I would be able to get by this is if I feel that I can some day regain my trust in you. That's probably more important than whether I can forgive and forget.

Take your time in replying to me so that you can be sure that you have told me everything. Please copy your email to Kathy as well.

Hugh.

********

Before he sent the message to Donna, he added a CC to Kathy. He felt great relief that it was now done. For the last couple of weeks he had seriously doubted that he would ever communicate in any way, shape, or form with Donna again. If he could get past this first step, perhaps there was some possibility that they could work out their serious differences.

With the weight having been taken from his shoulders with the sending of that first email, Hugh decided to go back down to the cafeteria for coffee, and maybe even a piece of pie if it looked appetizing.

He was surprised to see that the cafeteria was still quite busy, with over 50 workers scattered across the room. After he picked up his coffee and a piece of apple pie, he headed for the closest table, and sat down across from a couple of workers who were already there. He was almost finished his pie when he happened to look up, and noticed that the worker sitting across from him was actually a woman, a fairly striking woman with short black hair and very dark eyes. At first glance he thought she may have been native, but he realized her skin was very fair.

"You look like you're really enjoying that pie," she said. She was watching him with a small, pleasant smile on her face, apparently waiting for him to reply.

"Actually I am. I've been here for over a week, and most of the meals that I've eaten were not memorable in the least. This piece of pie is about the best tasting thing I've had yet." Hugh chuckled after having said that, and took a sip of his coffee. "You sort of surprised me, to tell the truth. You're the first woman I've seen on this side of the cafeteria tray line. I can see by your clothing that you work outside somewhere. What trade are you in?"

"I'm an electrician. I've been up here off and on now for almost four months. What about you," she inquired?

"I've been here only a couple of weeks. I'm a hoisting engineer, or crane operator if you prefer."

Her eyes flickered across his face a couple of times before she said, "You look a little more alive today. I've seen you in the cafeteria a few times, and you always looked so haunted. Something must have changed for you."

"You're very observant," Hugh said. He took a second look at her, as her statement had surprised him. He hadn't considered that his struggles with his feelings for Donna would have affected his external appearance as much as it had his soul. Hugh looked down at his coffee for several moments before he continued.

"I came here to get away from some serious issues with my wife, and just a few minutes ago I sent her an email. It's the first communication I've had with her in almost three weeks. Actually, I've sent her a couple of messages by way of my sister, but this was the first direct message I've sent her."

"They must have been serious, if you came up here to get away from them, and took off your ring." His tablemate picked up her coffee and watched him over the edge of the cup as she took a sip.

"You're definitely observant, to see that my ring is missing. The mark is a lot less white was when I first took it off. Yeah, things are about as serious as things can get between a husband and wife; serious enough that I already have a lawyer working on a divorce. Actually, that reminds me that I should perhaps tell him to hold off for a few days while she and I do a bit of talking, or rather emailing." Hugh smiled, and said "I guess if we're going to be talking about the state of my marriage I should at least introduce myself. My name is Hugh McLean." He stretched his hand across the table.

"I'm pleased to meet you, Hugh McLean. My name is Janice Stetler." She raised her right hand and shook John's hand firmly. Hugh noticed that her handshake was very firm for a woman, and her hand was lightly calloused from work. He glanced at her left hand and noticed that there were no rings on it, nor signs that there had ever been.

As she returned her hand to its former position beside her cup of coffee, a large man got up from a table about 10 feet away and approached their table. "Is everything all right, Janice?" He had a questioning look upon his face.

"Oh, yes Billy. This is Hugh McLean. He and I were just having a pleasant little chat. Thanks for asking." She had smiled at Billy before making her reply. When she finished speaking, he gave her a small wave and went back to his seat.

"What was that about?" Hugh hesitated before he asked. He had a questioning look on his face as the brief exchange had him puzzled.

"Oh, Billy is on my crew. They really keep an eye out for me, as there are a few less than respectable guys working on this site. I had a major hassle with one the first week I was here, and ever since, the rest of my crew has watched my back." She was very serious now, and her voice had lowered. "If Billy and one of the other guys hadn't come along when they did, I'd likely have been raped. Now, whenever any of the men here speaks to me, they generally check to see if I'm getting an unwelcome advance."

"It's nice to know they are sticking up for you like that. I hadn't considered the problems a woman on this worksite would face. Are you the only one, or are there others that I just haven't noticed?"

"There are a few others, I'm not sure how many. We have a separate dormitory section from you guys. A few of them are truck drivers, and there's another electrician, but she's not on my shift or crew."

Hugh and Janice continued their conversation for a while, but never did get back to the state of his marriage or what had prompted his newfound interest in life. After about 10 minutes Janice got up to head back to her dorm room. Hugh followed shortly after, as he wanted to get a good sleep. Tomorrow was another long day in a string of long days for him. As he drifted off to sleep he thought to himself that it was nice to have found such a pretty new friend. Perhaps she could give him an unbiased woman's perspective on things.

The next day went by fairly quickly for Hugh, and he didn't hear from either Donna or Kathy. He did send an email to his lawyer asking him to hold up on the divorce. That evening he went down a little later than normal for his supper, hoping he would run into Janice again. He had decided to ask her for advice, if she didn't mind giving him some.

Hugh found that she was seated at the same table as the previous night, in conversation with her friend Billy. After he picked up his meal he asked if it was all right to join them and both of them insisted that he sit down at their table. When their meals were finished, Billy excused himself, saying he needed to get his laundry done. Janice was quick to tell him that she was fine, and that she would see him on the job tomorrow.

"I'm in a bit of a quandary here, Janice. I'm hoping that I can get some female advice on the situation with my wife. The only other person I can ask would be my sister, and she is a very good friend of my wife. Would it be all right to run a few things by you?" Hugh sat quietly while Janice considered her answer.

"I'm not really qualified to offer that kind of advice. I've never been in a situation with a partner that sounds like it would be as serious as what you're involved in. I've been married, but it ended suddenly without a divorce. My husband was killed by a hit-and-run driver just over two years ago. However, if you think I can help, go ahead and ask your questions."

"I'm sorry to hear your husband died, especially that way. That must have been hard. I didn't realize that you had been married. Maybe we should just forget about the whole thing; it's probably a bad idea on my part."

"No, go ahead. I just wanted to warn you that you're not getting any kind of an expert here." Janice laughed and took another sip of her coffee.

"OK," Hugh replied quietly. "I'll keep it as short and to the point as I can. A couple of weeks ago I found out my wife had a brief affair with a friend of mine; she was with him twice. It sounds like he used wine, some manipulation, and even a vague threat to help overcome her inhibitions, but I don't think it was anything like a sexual assault; at some point she seems to have been at least partially willing. She's supposed to be sending me a detailed description of what actually happened, but of course it will simply be more of her word on that."

Hugh stopped speaking as he took a slow sip from his cup of coffee. He could see that Janice was listening intently to what he had been saying, and so he continued. "She seems really serious when she says it would never happen again. Donna has apparently attempted suicide, and is now on antidepressants. I'm not really sure how I feel about her, but she says she still loves me." He took another sip of coffee, and began speaking again.

"For this to work I need to believe her; forgive her; try to forget it happened; and eventually trust her. I just don't know if that's all going to be possible. I guess what I would like from you is an opinion on what my wife has done." Hugh laughed, and said "I won't necessarily agree, and I sure won't blame you if it's wrong. I'm just desperate for a second opinion."

"Wow, this is tough. I was hoping I could put myself in her place, but from what you told me this could be difficult to do. I just can't picture myself having been out alone with a friend of my husband's, having drinks, and going along with anything sexual. That wouldn't be me, I'm afraid. That said, it sounds like she's very remorseful." Janice looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought, and it was several moments before she continued.

"I'd suggest that you go slow and easy, and see maybe if there some way that you could check up on her story. How about contacting your former friend, the one she was with. If you could check some of her story with him, or verify that she is telling you the truth now; maybe that would assist you in making your decision. Beyond that, I guess it's just how you feel about her. If you can get around the facts of the whole thing, maybe time will take care of the rest of it."

Hugh thought about what she said for a few minutes, before replying. "You know, I think you may have helped me. I think I will take it slow and easy. I have no interest in contacting my former friend on this, and I don't know that I'd believe anything he told me anyway. There's no easy way for me to check on what she's telling me right now, but maybe something will come up. Thank you for at least thinking about my problem, and for your advice. I'll think about this until I get my next email from her. Now, maybe, it's time to get off that subject. Why don't you tell me something about yourself?"

Janice actually colored a bit when Hugh suggested that she talk about herself. "Well, there's not really much I can say. I'm 30, a widow, as I mentioned, and an electrician. When I'm not on jobs like this I live in Seattle. This is my last tour up here. I'm done in two more days, and I should have enough money saved to get a place of my own. My husband left me under a pile of debt, not on purpose of course, and I finally got out of that a few months ago. On my last break at home I was able to get a job in the maintenance department of the power plant, so once I leave here I won't have to worry about coming back again." She gave him a pleasant smile as she stopped speaking, and had some more of her coffee.

"Darn, I didn't realize you would be leaving so quickly. I've enjoyed your company and our little talks, and maybe I would have had a few more questions to ask you." Hugh smiled and then shrugged his shoulders. "I'll have to muddle along on my own I guess. Truthfully, in the end it's going to be my decision to make. Maybe asking for your advice is just a way of delaying the inevitable." The two of them made small talk for a few more minutes before deciding that it was time to call it a night. They agreed to have coffee together the next evening. That night as he drifted off to sleep, Hugh's thoughts alternated between his conversation with Janice and images from his life with Donna and Bobby.

After work the following day there were still no messages from Donna or Kathy. He knew he couldn't rush things. It was all up to Donna now. Later in the evening Hugh went down to the cafeteria and spent an enjoyable hour with Janice, most of the time spent discussing fishing, a sport they both enjoyed. They agreed to meet the following evening for a goodbye cup of coffee.

When Hugh checked his email the following evening he had the 2 messages he'd been expecting. From the time stamps on the messages he must have just missed them the previous night. He debated for a while on which one to open, and finally decided to leave both of them until later in the evening. He may as well be in a good mood when he joined Janice and her coworkers for a coffee on her last night in the dormitory. After shaving and combing his hair, he headed for the cafeteria.

Janice was seated at her usual table, and this time it seemed that her entire crew was there with her, all of them intent on making her last night at the worksite a memorable one. There was a lot of laughing and joke telling taking place. When Hugh walked into the cafeteria, Janice immediately called to him, insisting that he join their group. He grabbed a soft drink, and walked over to their table.

"Welcome, Hugh. I'm glad you could join us for our little get together. These guys are the crew I've worked with ever since I came up here." Janice proceeded to introduce them all to Hugh, explaining that he was about the only nice guy she had run into, that wasn't an electrician. That drew an awful lot of laughter at Hugh's expense. He was soon joining in with the rest of them in their jokes, many at Janice's expense.

Over the next hour the crew slowly dwindled as men took their leave. Eventually it was just Hugh and Janice left at the table, and he said, "This has been awful lot more fun than reading my wife's latest email. It's the one that is supposed to detail what exactly went on, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not really looking forward to reading it. I just hope that when I'm finished it I won't decide to fly back and strangle them both." He laughed, but it was a nervous laugh, as his last statement was pretty close to what he was really thinking.

"Well, Hugh McLean, I don't think you're the type of person to take the law into your own hands. I'm sure they're safe enough, although obviously you will have to decide on the state of your marriage. I hope it works out well for you, and that whatever happens, it's something that leaves you happy in the end. You seem like the kind of guy who deserves a happy ending." She gave him a smile and then took his hand for a final handshake. She was standing, intent on getting back to her room to begin the task of packing for her morning flight back to civilization.

Hugh was at a loss for words, but finally said, "I'm really pleased to have made your acquaintance, Janice. It's been nice to have a friendly face to look forward to seeing. I've really enjoyed our talks, and maybe someday I'll come out to your part of the country to see if the fishing is really as good as you say." He took her hand in both of his as he shook it for the last time. As she walked away, he couldn't help but feel a familiar sense of loneliness once again. He sat at the table for another 15 minutes before he too went back to his room.

Sitting back at his computer, Hugh decided to read his sisters' email first, expecting it would be the shorter of the two. He opened Kathy's message, and read it slowly.

********

Dearest Hugh;

I have read Donna's email, and only have a couple of things to add to it. The first is that the first time she told me what had happened, she indicated that Jerry had given her more wine than she mentions now. The other thing I recall her saying before was that the second time she was at his home, he had to take her arm to help her up the stairs to the second floor, as she'd had too much to drink to be able to walk up the steps on her own. I have seriously considered that he may have done something to her drinks, something that made them more potent than normal.

I phoned and asked her why she had downplayed these things, and she told me that she didn't want to make it look like she was blaming Jerry for everything. She wants to accept her share of the responsibility for what happened.

No matter what you think of her based on what happened, I want you to know that I believe her when she says that she loves you, and that she would never do anything like this to hurt you again.

Your loving sister, Kathy.

********

Hugh sat quietly for a few moments, considering what his sister had said in her message. He too had been wondering about whether Jerry had spiked Donna's drinks. It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility, and would certainly speak in her favor. In any event, he would have to read her message before he would be able to make up his mind on that account. Now that he had no further excuse he could use to keep him from opening Donna's email, he clicked on it. After a few moments it opened, filling his screen. He sat there staring at it, afraid to begin reading the words he knew were going to be terribly upsetting to him.