All Comments on 'Simple Math Ch. 01'

I have seen this kind of behavior from women. It is sickening. They know they have screwed up and they keep on going anyway. Of course he screwed up by listening to his mother, another woman. Once you are married, the siblings are on their own. Especially if they are criminals or have a drug problem. It is more likely they will pull you down than you lift them up.

Its such a hackneyed story, so 'unoriginal '. But early on; a fresh nuance is added and then others accrue. I'm reminded of a concerto where a soloist begins and then other instruments glide in, as the piece starts to accelerate, setting the listener up for the brass kicking in to seal the classical deal. Bravo.

Yes, this was a bit hammy, a little operatic. But I enjoy swelling arias that hit the high note pitch perfect at the end . 'Time to Say Goodbye' -Sarah Brightman *****

if what you wrote was good?

Relax. It is.

You need lots and lots of practice before you write a story. Practice.

Great! Someone sometime is probably going to add a second chapter if you don't.

Absolutely brilliant. I'm so glad that you are starting another story.

I found this difficult to read. There are reasons that fonts are not in italics all of the time. I am sure the plot will continue to be excellent as this writer has skill. This style is distracting for me. I try to skim past all italic parts to read the rest. Terse comments. Thoughts. Disjointed phrases. Not for me. Struggle... Skim. WTF?

I'm excited and I haven't even read it yet!

Yes we saw it coming from some way off, but what was original was the way you told the story.. We see the family history unfold. We notice the resentment of the older brother.. We see the wife leaning on, and being seduced by the younger brother, all in the time it takes to walk into the house.

Beautifully written, can't wait for the next part.

Really a great way of telling the story. I do hope for a chapter 2 with a complete and total BTB

shes gone with her druggie and he has his home, end of story

The "more sexually adventurous" cliche... You know, I want to see the brother destroyed even more than the wife. What a maliciously vile little turd.

I don't know if I want her to be in love with the brother, or just find out what a whore she's turned into...the scenario and set up is one we've seen, but what could it turn into? The brother may have gotten her hooked on something, or it may just be she was lonely and seduced... But the taunts and his obvious wanting to win her... She couldn't have hoped it'd turn out okay for her... And the fact she was more willing with the brother?

Gods I hope things get better for our guy and he destroys them or better... They just destroy themselves.

You're not on your own, mate. This is borderline unreadable. It takes a genius to write like this and retain our interest. This author is not James Joyce.

To the author. It is very difficult to make snivelling characters interesting. Try to give your characters some substance is my tip.

Please with that brother, no one, not even my mother would convince me to accept him in my house. But in a remote chance I'll be crazy to accept him, in that night he wouldn't live one more minute. They both would be dead by some thieves, or some drug dealers friends of my drugged brother.

but not digging the start. The wife is not a likeable character, to be swayed that easily and to be so shameless. More background would be needed to justify her actions int he readers mind as reasonable. The marriage had to be in a lot more trouble than the narrator is lettting on.

Very nice beginning - echoing what others had said below. The stream of consciousness and converse with his deceased father were a nice departure from the norm. Disjointed? Sure - but his thoughts would be during this.

Thanks and keep going!

-V

The conversation with his father wasn't as in depth, it was just too distracting. I couldn't understand the wife changing her love so fast. If she loved Joey as much as she seemed to, how did a few weeks with Mikey change that? I would like to know her point of view, but either way she is just as messed up as the brother! I don't always say this (hardly ever) but BTB!

....I had no trouble following the storyline. At all.

This was, however a very difficult story to read. Not because of the presentation, but because it mirrors my own experience with remarkable accuracy.

Names, jobs, places and characters notwithstanding, it reads like my diary of those years. Yup. Years. My story dragged on with endless maneuvers and petty crap for years. In the end we were all broke, angry and had engaged in more than one violent encounter, each did some jail time, the kid brother spending the last 11 years in the state pen for attempted murder and conspiracy to commit. The ex wife? 2 years for conspiracy and life as a miserable whore. Me, bitter....willing to murder the shit, but trying to move on.

He took no pictures expecting to find what he found. Is there a man in Joey? Please let it be one. Joey should let her be with Mickey. After he has done everything possible to ruin them both. .

2 stars, not very good a telling tales are you.

2 stars,,,maybe the next installment will be better,,practice makes better,,,maybe

Don't expect the redneck white trash to get it.

All they want is to read:"She fucked him and I kilt her and then I kilt him and then I buried them, dug their sorry asses up, drove stakes through them fucking hearts, burned they bodies, scattered they ashes and danced about singing hallelujah. Then a cheerleader give me a blowjob. Yeehaw!!! Hot diggety!"

You're one of the best writers on Literotica. You do reality well.

Keep writing.

Looking forward to what comes next.

The dentist had a very hot receptionist. Pretty, personable, dressed well, friendly. Granted, the drilling took a bit of pleasure out of the visit, but it didn't ruin it.

That was the Ghost Dad in this story. The jumping around and italics didn't screw up the whole story, but as HDK said, it took something away more than it added.

LSD described it as operatic. I think that is correct. HIgh emotions belted out with people moving SLOWLY over the stage. Pacing was a bit off.

That said, it is nice to see some character development, even as slow as this.

This promises to be very nice story. Like a snake arousing in the morning, it's a bit...turgid in the beginning. However, I trust, now that the effing backstory is done, Ghost Dad will have less to say (please god let him have less to say) and that snake will find a hot rock to speed things along.

Someone who doesn't know the difference between commas and periods or ellipses, or that the phrase is "practice makes perfect" and then another anon who thinks people want stories about people being forced into Scottish skirts?

The anons get better and better.

I was thinking of saying great start but like some of the others I found dear old dad jumping in to his thoughts distracting. I love the way you write, the phrasing and your vivid descriptions. Hanging out for chapter two. 4*

honestly, half way through the first page I was thinking, ''get on with it. don't know if all the ''dear dad'' was nessasary, but the end was perfect. it has left me trying to figure out where you will take it and thats the best thing of all. 3 stars, but you can improve on that for sure.

The execution 2*s. It moves like molasses.

You have a wonderfully evocative turn of phrase: "He is spectral, lost, injured by time...but he is also deeply metastasized within my mind and my soul. And he sounds almost tired on this particular evening" tells a lot about the relationship, both past and present.

I greatly appreciated the use of italics, I like to read fast and it was nice to always be clear "who" was speaking.

The brother was horribly believable (speaking both as a psych nurse and as the sister-in-law of a similarly ... lost addict).

The one part that didn't work for me is the wife; the utter lack of .... well much of anything. I couldn't properly sympathize with the main character's loss since I never really "got" what there was to loose. But that's a very small note here. During the whole story I found myself asking the question "will he jump"? - there is such a dark undertone to the tale that I could see it happening.

I look forward to another chapter

Sorry!

And really think it's great. The father is relevant. This is exactly how people think when they feel alone. They cling to something they can "talk"to that they trust and d that's comfortable. Joey revered his father and in his moment of feeling betrayed totally by those closes to him, he has a "conversation" with the one person who never would let him down. And the way he ignored signals, hoped for things not to mean anything, looked back at past events and gave different meaning to little things - that's how we actually act as imperfect human beings.

This is a great story and wonderfully written.

But, I want - as much as I ever have- to see him burn the bitch and strangle the strange.

Read it twice - second time through I just did it sloooowwww and easy.

Better read that way.

Pretty darn good.

Looking forward to ch2

Tjx

Guess I'll reserve judgment until a few more chapters appear, thanks.

...a story that approaches the adult level, meaning mature.

Dear old Dead Dad... he is just talking to himself, yes? We are not doing a Rehnquist? Good...

I suspect you are going to try to do something important with the internal dialog - and using "Dad" as the counterpoint to that dialog is a good thing.

Humm... you are using the chapter structure well - but the cliffhanger in terms of emotional impact makes me borderline annoyed, waiting for the next chapter.

At this point, the protagonist doesn't seem to have any reason to continue in the story - dump them both, and let God sort them out. But, I suspect you have something more in mind. A debilitating illness/accident to both or either of them, and he is left holding the bag? Some reason for the lack of empathy from the wife to be revealed? The previously mention drug possibilities?

Who knows?... the Unoriginalist, (and Sir Thopas), I expect.

Green-something

(hard to read? this is edited by Sir Thopas, and you expected easy text? Even Chaucer had a problem selling the concept...:-^)

(oh yes.... 2 into 1 doesn't go?)

Am looking forward to the next chapter. 5*s

Wonderful phrasing, truly beautiful painting with words.

man, you're good.. thanks 5

Like some of the other comments, I had to read it a couple of time's before I started to understand the concept. I like it. thank you for writing.

Best I've seen in a long while. Painting with words. I can't wait to see where you take this.

For those who can't grasp what the author is trying to convey with his use of the running dialogue, as seen with the italic passages; I feel sorry for you. A great start to what I hope is another great story. Please flesh out what the wife is going through mentally and emotionally and why she left with the asshole brother. I can't wait for the follow up chapters.

Frankly, the only way to pull this one out of the toilet is a BTB chapter 2.

A different style of writing, now why would she fuck that drug Attic brother , ten years younger and a complete loser for some sex. That part doesn't add up . He takes this loser bother in for this. Is she some kind of whore . We need more information , we need a part 2 or more. Why didn't he have a video camera.

In his 'sharing with the family chores' did Mikey also get her addicted to something? But how exactly do you hide something like that, even from an inattentive husband?

And I am waiting to see what the garage door is all about. I mean, bro LIVED there. What did he need to sneak in and out unless it was for drugs.

I am anticipating more.

simple math that the author cant do. this seems to be a story that glorifies being an loser... A SERIOUS wimp.... and a very weak man/person.

Invariably in these kind of stories... The brief fight scene is useful in convincing the reader that our protaganist is NOT a whimp. But in almost every case this tactic fails.

Our ahem "hero" doesnt ir wont confront his awful weak defective dad.

He cant or wont confront his mother.

He cant or wont confront his wife.

He cant wont confront his criminal brother.

Golly i cant imagine why his wife would think so badly about him.

"sure honey...your younger deviant drug using stealing criminal brother can stay with us. ..in the house here us and with me when i am all alone...what could go wrong?"

I thought this story sucked big time. The story of a loosing wimp. What else is new? Made one dizzy just reading it. Some of the comments made it sound like a masterpiece, so I read it. What a waste of time.

I'll wait to rate this until it's finished. Or is there no chapter 2? If it's a stand alone, then it gets a 1*. Sorry but right now it just is not worth the effort.

are to be assumed like the love. TK U MLJ LV NV

...the score of a tale by TheUnoriginalist does not reflect the quality. I must confess I was thrilled to see a new story from the author of quite possibly my favorite story on Literotica, A Boilerplate Rendering; and with him, as always, is SirThopas.

Exceptional. You're one of the best here at capturing emotions, taking us inside the characters' heads and making us feel as they feel in the moment. I only hope that you give us the payback you teased us with in Boilerplate.

I enjoyed the father's voice, and had no trouble following the story. My only complaint, and you may already have addressed this in a following chapter, involves the wife. What is her motivation? If she's so vile and wretched as to behave this way, what did he see in her to begin with? Or what changed her? Or how was she able to deceive him? I hope to find out soon.

Thank you both for bringing us this ride.

Forgot to sign my comment (Once again.)

Cog

Your prose blows.

Tell the story and be descriptive but quit with the artsy-cutesy.

Your first series was brilliant & I rated you one the best authors on this site; BUT, as often happens in the world of real published fiction the followup story is just not as good & this is the case here. You are still a very accomplished writer, however, I could not understand why you undertook such an unusual, sometimes boring & "fluffy" way explore this plot. I know it's not an unusual theme for a plot but your take on it was strange, the asides ( in Joey's mind ) to his deceased father, the almost total lack of any character building & the bizarre ending did nothing for me. I only hope the next chapters reach Boilerplate standards. If this had been 75% as good as Boilerplate it would have got a 5 but, nope, so only

3 ***

Hate to be rude but what is this shit??? It's boring with a capital B and that's one of the good parts about it.... you can imagine how bad this is.

5 stars

Thanks for posting.

It usually prevents me from starting to read cuck garbage, because most of that is rated low.

So that led to me missing the fact that The Unoriginalist had posted another story.

DAMN! Ah well, I caught it now, no harm done.

The rating on this story is so undeservedly low. Unoriginalist, your work is among the most excellent here on a technical level. You make the reader settle into the story so deeply it becomes the reality while you are there.

I reserve judgement on whether he is a cuck or not (I lean towards the 'not', especially considering that he did not allow it to continue as soon as he became aware... and as if it's up to me to pass judgement on your work anyway), because this is part 1. Also because the first thing he did was lay the prick right out.

I am glad, in a way, that the story has been unjustly rated so low, because it now allows me to go read part 2 immediately, no waiting. It is the higher score on that one that led me back here. I have butterflies in my gut!

I haven't read other comments, and I won't bother till after I read part 2, because the way this story has been rated, there will be volumes of vitriol and venom, no matter on which side of the fence the commentator sits. I'll just read that crap for a laugh.

Well done, 5 stars.

The Masked Anony.

but very little story. what there was went from psychobabble to self pity. a very unsatisfactory read. more depressing than interesting.

Shit! Dude--get to the story. I don't care for the narrative rambling. .. jeez. Good story but too much bullshit..

Get to the fucking story and stop beating around the Bush.

some people dont care for it. Too dramatic? I dont mind.

nice writing, though.

Not an encouraging beginning. But I won't rate until I see how things turn out.

No surprise to me.

Great writing.

5*

Now on to the next chapt

I agree with HDK. After reading chapter 1, it felt like I was reading 10 pages when in fact there was only 2. That's because there are many tangent texts that I kept rereading them in case they are significant in the future. It turns out most of them, if not all, are insignificant. For example, you can delete the entire conversation between the father and the protagonist and you would not destroy the main plot. That's because the subplot and the main plot have nothing to do with each other. The fact that the protagonist killed the father has nothing to do with the cheating wife plot.

Having read some of SirThorpas's stories, I can see his contribution to this one. The guy is VERBOSE, and seems to think that quantity is a good substitute for quality. His answer to a cheating wife is to stay married to her and make her life a living hell, to drag out and to savor every moment of pain until the inevitable divorce. His stories are hard to read too, because he likes to insert tangent subplots that have little to do with the main plot. It is too bad that the author chose to collaborate with him, when there many good authors out there.

Very nicely written. Not enough BTB for the usual crowd. There should be a goldmine of guilt for the wife trading waaay down to a loser, but we'll see how it plays out. A very promising start.

time to shore up all defenses, TK U MLJ LV NV

Most of what you wrote are all the thoughts coming into his head. Very little action to keep the reader's interest. Just disjointed thoughts and imaginary conversations. Not really a story you can immerse yourself in or relate to since most of it is just the jumbled thoughts of a troubled man while confronting his wife and younger brother while they're having sex. Nice writing but not very entertaining.

by introducing another person into the home

2 + 1

=

1

Tough tale to read, tough tale to understand and a tough conclusion. A little far out there. Chapter two, huh? I rate it after.

HDK does recognize talent, but he isn't afraid to suggest ways to improve.

Harry is partially right up to Mikey. Mikey is a sociopath; he knows how to manipulate. The wife is just weak and unworthy.

Joey has a problem. Mikey is in the house by invitation. Joes could be in a world of shit if wifey pushes it.

This is an awful thing to read, but it is very well written and deserving a five.

Obviously beyond the ken of some readers. Very well done, great mental dialog with Dad.

"He's your brother," she pleaded. If pleaded is the word for it. "You're all he has left." - No, he has YOU!

“Even Sally, who had been maybe a little patient about Michael's presence in the house” – I think you meant Impatient?

He should have killed Mikey, claimed he caught him raping Sally. Sally either backs him up or admits to cheating on him with his BROTHER!

If she sends him away, she can't support herself, how does she survive?

That is probably the worst story I have ever read on Literotica - and to think that it got a rating of over 4? Well, there are a lot of idiots. One thing that I have to give you -- at least you chose an appropriate screen-name. After all of the diversion with the non-sense, italics and distractions, it comes down to my brother and wife fucking, only about the 1000th time that has been done on this site.

Ugh -- sorry I can't read the second part, I've wasted enough of my time with the first part.

The passages of the dead father "talking" to his son is, in my opinion, a writer's

"gimmick" that was vastly over-used in this story. That said, there wasn't really

much substance to this story. The whole thing could have been told in three or

four paragraphs just as succinctly.

I gave it two stars, mostly just for effort.

What the fuck is this, a Thomas Pynchon novel? For chrissakes, get to the point. Really, this is positively cloying, like sugar on your frosted flakes.

How someone who pretends to give other writers such sage advice on writing, should be so utterly incapable of writing anything entertaining, himself. This is, perhaps the most unappealing, drooling mindlessness I have ever encountered, posing as serious writing.

Your preposterous wife character is among the most vacuous ever created, resembling, in many ways, the archetype Stangstar female. Totally without brain activity and full steam ahead. The husband is blindly stupid and paralyzed by his own weakness and total lack of any bone in his body, a jellyfish person who plans and mutters impotently, whimpering inside his own head. An embarrassment of a story and the plotting of an imbecile.

people, just because you didn't like it is no reason to bitch so much, I quite enjoyed this, not to every ones taste but to some it is. TK

. . . yich. Awful. Confusing. Mindless. Drivel.

Love this one. A bit jumbled at times, but this is still a five star story in my book. Engaging and creatively packaged.

But I'm curious. Was "She been... Bald... On that trip." supposed to have been 'being?'

Utterly useless rubbish.

those cockless wonder-turds didn't even see one Mustang in the whole story!

"it is a think piece" \

LOL

The thoughts from dad are...... different. The story really got to me though. Great emotions. A wife falling to a live-in brother seems more realistic than most of hot/slut wife tales on here.

Please stop writing. You are embarassing yourself.

I just ran across this, I read slow so I understood the conversation between dad and Joey. My question is I have had garage door openers on my garage since around 2000. If they had one then they wouldn't be able to get in unless they had a key pad. With both cars in the garage they would have no way of leaving.

So well written, you magnificent bastard.

You did not tell a story. You just started one.

Very, very, very well-written. The way you structured the story, interspersing talks with the father, was brilliant.

Are lying, cheating sluts.

The story has a good premise, outrageous premise. But it is written as a stream of conscience. That cheapens the whole thing because it marries the story with the writer's arrogance (the writer thinks he is sophisticated) so instead of a reader concentrating on a good plot, the reader has to labor through "modernism". The "modernism" which is nothing modern since we have this kind of writing for centuries, by a lot better writers than "TheUnoriginalist."

Can't finish there......it can't bode well for the dumb slut. FTDS.

His brother and his wife. No coming back from that. Ever.

No going back to them

Only how are you going to get them back so you can hold your head up

Left in that family to try to salvage, not the wife, brother or mother. Let's see how the loving couple survives on a part-time bartender's salary. Burn the house to the ground and leaving after posting the video to the world, VPN's are a great thing. Has dark2donut2 ever given a positive comment? Had to work a little to keep things straight as it was told as he thought it in his mind, which I thought was rather clever. Signed: BTW

I've known younger brothers like that - they feel wronged because they make wrong decisions all their life and become jealous of a brother who succeeds. He'll never be worth anything at all as a man or a human being. Painful and difficult story, but well told.

Too hard to really follow, losing interest fast.

What stupid pretentious bullshit. What you think is avant-garde is just a trite gimmick. Get over yourself. Damn this is bad.

Too hard to follow what’s happening although it was as I guessed.

Naaa!

Below average.

Bill

The story would be good but I am a person that likes a story to go from A to B. I found the story took a more serpentine route, and I started skipping whole paragraphs seeking the story.