All Comments on 'Slave Night'

Great premise and enjoyed the story just free yourself from those darned "you's" . As you have discovered, first and second person tenses are the most difficult to write. Simply naming each character avoids that pitfall and a good editor is every writer's best ally. Keep writing and thanks for sharing your gift.

You need to lose the first/second person thing, and just use names, and for me the story ended a bit tame. All in all though, a GREAT start to someone who could be a great writer of this type of story line!

I hate stories told in the second person, find them unreadable.

Add "malesub" and "femdom" tags.

Got some of his camping gear out of the storage area and put it on. He drove to the nearest motel, checked in, turned off his cell phone and got a good nights sleep. The next morning, phone still off, he went to the bank and cleaned out the accounts, the safety deposit box and cancelled all their credit cards. Next he called in to work and took a week off. Going back home, he checked to make sure his wife was gone and proceeded to take everything he wanted from the house. It took him two trips back and forth to the storage unit he rented. Before he left, he took a shower, got dressed and left his wedding ring and his power of attorney on the kitchen table so she could sell the house before she lost it. The next day he met with his Boss, quit his job and got his severance pay, vacation time and closed out his retirement account. His wife never saw or heard from him again. She had to sell the house and move in with a friend. It took her three years to save enough money to file for a divorce using abandonment as the reason. Because that's what you get when you're a cunt. The end to a really bad story.

I’m afraid that writing the tale in the second person was not the best of ideas.

BDSM should be sane, safe and consensual. This wasn’t.

There wasn’t any love or respect, just a couple of selfish misandrists, humiliating a dim witted bloke.

Run for the hills fella.