Standing Ovation

I wanted to lay my head down on the table and go to sleep. It was morning. I knew because the sun had come up. I guess that meant it was also tomorrow. I had been at work since yesterday. No one had told me that I had to work all night, but the prototype boards had come in yesterday. The boards needed to be working so we would have something to demo at the Comdex trade show in two weeks. If we went to Comdex with out boards, we probably wouldn't be able to raise any more funding. Without funding we would all be unemployed.

I worked for a little startup company in North Carolina. The thing about startups is that they consume your life. You work insane hours. You might get rich, but probably not. There is an incredible amount of stress.

There was a definite upside though. Startups were fun. You ended up working closely with a lot of awesome people. Since everyone lived at work, you got to know them all well. I thought it was worth it. This was my third startup. I still wasn't rich.

Just as I was about to give in to temptation and close my eyes, the door popped open. In walked Janet, one of the other engineers.

"Steve, have you been here all night? You look terrible."

I stared at her for a second before I answered. "Thanks," I said, trying to keep the sarcasm I felt out of my voice. "What does it look like?"

"Well either the boards aren't working or you had one hell of a date last night."

"I Wish," I chuckled, surprised that she had been able to make me laugh.

My romantic life seemed to keep everyone amused. They all felt like they had an open invitation to kid me about it. I had a sort of bad-boy womanizer reputation. I wasn't sure it was deserved, but I did nothing to discourage it. Part of it was due to the fact that I didn't date the women in the office. That made me safe to flirt with. I was an excellent flirt.

The other part was because I didn't own a car. I owned a Harley. That in itself was the quintessential bad boy symbol. It also meant that if I was going on a date, we would frequently take her car. Since I was always at work, I usually got her to pick me up from the office. So everyone knew who I was going out with, and I did date some fairly "unique" women. People still reminded me about the leather clad bleach blond twins that had taken me to lunch a year and a half ago. It would have ruined all the fun if I had told anyone they were my sisters.

"Well do they work?" Janet asked, snapping me back to reality.

"Not really," I answered, "but I think they are fixable. We have way too much jitter in the clock recovery. I think something is wrong with the PLL loop filter."

"There is not!" Janet answered indignantly. She had designed the PLL.

"What do I get if I am right?" I teased.

"Anything you want sweetie."

"Actually," I answered, "what I really want is a cup of coffee."

"Well, if your going to stay up all night debugging my circuits, I'll be glad to get you a cup. Black right?" With that she left.

Janet came back in a few minutes. She had gone by my office and picked up the mug off my desk. "Sorry it took so long," she said apologetically, "There was a bit of a crisis in the break room."

"Really? Whats wrong?" I asked absently handedly. My mind was still on the loop filter.

"It seems that Lynn left her husband a month ago. She didn't tell anyone till this morning. She is in the break room with Jennifer and Traci who seem to be throughly enjoying the drama."

I stared at her for a moment. "Are you serious?" I finally asked.

"Yea."

"Excuse me," I said jumping up from my bench, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

I felt Janet watching me. She had no idea what she had just done to me. No one who worked with me would have. I hurried down the hall to the break room. The scene was like Janet had described. Jennifer and Traci were hovering around Lynn, who was sitting at one of the tables. Lynn was about eight years older than me, ten inches shorter, and fifty pounds heavier. She was the technical writer.

I approached the table and they all stopped talking and looked at me. It occurred to me that I had no idea what I was going to say. So I just winged it. "Janet just told me your news," I said looking at Lynn. "I'm sorry, it must be hard for you."

"Thanks Steve," she answered. "It is, but its for the best. I'll get through it."

"I'm sure you will, but it must be lonely."

"Thanks, it is."

She took the bait. I was ecstatic. "Well a few of us are going out to dinner after work," I continued. "You might enjoy the company and I would love to take you. Are you up for it?"

Lynn looked at me blankly. She was obviously completely clueless about what was going on. She was about to decline my offer, but Jennifer, who saw exactly what was happening, kicked her. She turned to Jennifer asking "What?" in a confused voice.

"She would love to sweetie," Jennifer answered for her.

I decided to run with Jennifer's answer. "Wonderful," I replied, "I'll come get you about 6:00." After that I hurried away so that Lynn wouldn't have a chance to change her mind.

I practically floated down the hall as I went back to the lab. I got there and Janet was waiting for me with a big grin on her face. "What's up?" I asked. "Did you get the boards to work?"

"No lover boy," she answered, "I hear you asked Lynn out."

"How the hell did you find out about that?" I asked incredulously, "Its only been 3 minutes."

"Traci emailed the news."

"Traci emailed you? But she is in the break room."

"No," she answered with a smirk, "Traci emailed the whole company. She is still in the break room. She used her phone to do it."

I just looked at her. I was about to say something but her computer beeped and cut me off.

"Oh an update," Janet continued, obviously enjoying herself. "It seems that Jennifer and Traci think its a 'real' date, while Lynn insists that you are just being nice."

"You all need to get a life." I said. "I'm going home, I need some sleep. Will you look at these boards?"

"Sure," she answered. She paused a second and then continued. "Is it a real date?"

"I sure hope so," I answered as I walked out the door.

I went home and crawled into bed. I actually set the alarm clock. I almost never do that, but this was not the day I wanted to oversleep. I was asleep almost before my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at 4:00, half an hour before the alarm was set to go off. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Still, I was glad I had beaten the alarm. It would have been much worse if I had let it wake me up.

I climbed into the shower and let the hot water run over me. That always made me feel better, and today was no exception. When I got out of the shower 15 minutes later I actually felt good.

I got myself dressed, and then started looking for a jacket for Lynn. I wondered how long it had taken her to realize that I was planning on taking her on my bike. I didn't know if she was actually going to let me do it, but I wanted to be prepared. She had been wearing jeans and running shoes that morning. Those were fine. But she had had on a sleeveless blouse, and that wouldn't work very well. It would be too cold to ride like that on a May evening.

I kept extra riding clothes around the house. It was convenient since situations like this came up occasionally. I looked at what I had and finally selected a black summer weight Gortex jacket. It was size XXL, which I thought would be about right.

I arrived back at work at 5:30 and went to Lynn's office, carrying the jacket. The door was open, but she was concentrating on something and didn't see me. I knocked and she looked up at me.

"Hi Steve," she said, waiving at me. "Come on in."

I walked in her office and showed her the jacket. "I brought you this so you wouldn't get cold on the way over."

"We could take my car," she ventured, "that might be easier."

I wasn't about to take her up on that, at least not if I didn't have to. "No way. I have been thinking about you sitting behind me with your arms around me all day."

Suddenly she looked very uncomfortable. She didn't say anything for a couple of seconds and then got up and shut her office door. She sat back down. I could tell she was trying to find words for something. Finally she started. "Steve, why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" I asked. I had a pretty good idea what she meant, but I wanted her to confirm it. Besides, I was getting uncomfortable now.

"Why did you ask me to join you all for dinner? Why are you flirting with me. You have never flirted with me before."

"Because I like you silly," I answered, trying to inject a little humor to lighten the mood.

"Jennifer told me that you were asking me out on a date. But I told her you were just being nice because of what has happened to me."

"Well, Jennifer is right," I answered.

"I find that very hard to believe."

"What?" I almost yelled it at her. It made no sense to me and it hurt my feelings.

Lynn could tell she had upset me. She softened her tone a little as she continued. "It just that.. well just look at me Steve. I am a fat middle aged woman. You are the stud of the company. You could do a lot better than me. I know Traci wants to go out with you. She is young and skinny and pretty. You should ask her out."

I blushed. She had told me I was a stud. I didn't know what to say to her, so I just started talking. "Traci has asked me out. Twice. I turned her down. There is only one woman at this company that I would be willing to date and that is you."

"Why?" she asked in a disbelieving voice. She paused for a second and then continued. "Look, if this is some kind of joke its really going to hurt my feelings."

God that made me mad. I had been sitting down, but now I was standing. "Don't you know me better than that!" I yelled. "Do you think I would do that to you? Look, if you don't like me just say so and I will leave. But drop this bullshit about knowing how I feel about you. Because you don't."

I regretted saying it as soon as it was out of my mouth. I was trying to figure out what to say next, but she interrupted my thoughts and told me she was sorry. That made me feel a lot better. I sat down and tried to explain in a softer voice.

"I remember the day you started working here Lynn. You walked in wearing black pants and a black blouse. You had a red blazer on over it. Those are my favorite colors. I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. But you had a wedding band on your hand, so I never said anything."

"Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." Lynn paused and then continued. "Look Steve, I am an emotional wreck." She started to cry as she said it, but she flicked the tears off her face and continued. "I don't think I am going to be much fun to be around, all I ever seem to do anymore is cry. I am so lonely. I went to church last night. Its the first time in probably 30 years. I told God that I really needed a friend. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that someone like you would be sitting in my office telling me you thought I was beautiful. I want so badly to believe you, but its hard."

I moved closer to her, put my hands on her cheeks, and kissed her on the forehead. "I would love to be your friend," I whispered as I pulled her close to me.

"Lets blow off the rest of these guys," I suggested, realizing that I didn't want to share her that evening. "I know a place down at the beach we could go for dinner."

"The beach?" She asked questioningly. It was a bit over two hours to get down there from where we were.

"I would enjoy getting to know you on the trip."

"What the hell," she answered, "lets go."

I helped her into the jacket I had brought for her. It gave me an excuse to run my hands over her as I adjusted the straps, which we both seemed to enjoy. After I got the jacket adjusted, I worked her hair out from under it so that it spilled down the back. She looked fantastic.

We walked out of her office and into the lobby. There were several people there, it was where everyone who was going to dinner gathered. "Hey, don't wait for us, we are going to go out by ourselves," I announced to no one in particular. Someone got cute and decided to clap. Then everyone else started. I almost blushed and Lynn did. Then we walked out the front door.

We got to my bike and I handed her a helmet and a little radio headset that would allow us to talk as we rode. As I put on my headset and helmet I asked her if she had ever ridden before.

She blushed bright red as she answered "Oh yes."

"Well there is obviously more to that story than your telling me," I teased her.

She put her headset on and I could hear her over the radio. "Oh, this is cool!" she exclaimed as she put her helmet on. "We didn't have these the last time I rode."

I got on and she followed, reaching around me and locking her hands together. It felt incredibly good. I pulled out of the parking lot and got on I-40, headed toward the beach. It was just before 6:00 and the sun was still bright. The traffic was moving as well, which was nice. Sometimes it stopped moving when everyone left work. But today we were cruising along nicely, and I was enjoying the feeling of the wind and Lynn's arms.

"Wow, this is fun," I heard her say.

"Glad you like it," I answered. "I love it. Its a great way to forget about the problems at work. So are you going to tell me the rest of that story?"

"What story?"

"Oh don't give me that," I scolded her. "Whatever story it was that had you blushing back there."

"Well," she answered, "Once upon a time I lost my virginity bent over a Harley."

I died laughing. "I knew there was a reason I liked you," I managed to say.

"That was a long time ago Steve," she continued. "You were probably still learning your ABCs."

"Oh, your not that much older than me," I replied. "I never knew you were a wild woman."

"Well, like I said, it's been a long time. I'm not much of a wild woman anymore."

"Really?" I asked. "What happened?"

"I got married," she began. "He was a wonderful man. We loved each other and ... Oh God I can't talk about this right now." I heard her start to cry.

"It's OK," I said. "I didn't mean to upset you. Would you like for me to pull over?"

"No, I'll be OK," she answered. "Just give me a few minutes."

She took one arm from around me and flipped up the visor on her helmet so that the wind was blowing on her face. We rode along in silence for a while. I got off the interstate at Benson, so we could take back roads. It was fun riding down the highway with her snuggled up from behind.

"Hey, you OK back there?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Yea," Lynn answered, flipping her visor back down, "I'm just enjoying the ride. This is wonderful. I'm so glad you asked me to come."

"I'm glad I did too. I hope I didn't upset you too much back there."

"No," she replied, "It feels good to talk about it. Its just hard at the same time. I'm sorry to cry on you."

"Don't apologize," I told her. "I'm flattered you would choose me to cry on. You want to tell me anymore about it?"

"Well, let me see if I can keep myself composed this time," she laughed. "We got married. He was wonderful. The sex was OK but not great. At first I figured it would get better, but it didn't. Finally, I just accepted that it was part of being grown up and responsible. The wild woman has to go. It seemed like a small price to pay for a husband to loved me and took care of me. At some point we just stopped having sex. I know its been at least five years since I have."

"Wow," I said, and let her continue.

"Like I said, it seemed like a little thing at the time. But it wasn't. You just can't turn off something in your life thats that important. It comes out in other areas. I know thats why I was depressed a few years ago. And I know it affects my personality. I look at myself and I'm not happy with the way I am. Thats hard to deal with."

"Is that why you guys split up?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she answered with some obvious bitterness in her voice. "He came to me a few months ago and told me he was gay. I would never have left him because he didn't fulfill my sexual desires. But to know I didn't fulfill his was more than I could take."

That really blew me away. "How does that make you feel?" I asked.

"Sometimes I get really angry at him. I don't know how long he has known. But I feel like I wasted a lot of my life working on something that was doomed. Sometimes I get angry at myself. I knew I wasn't happy. I wish I had had the guts to say something a long time ago. Sometimes I am really glad that he told me. I never would have had the guts to leave if he hadn't, even though I wasn't happy. And a lot of the time I am just very very sad. He and I were good friends. We still are on the days when I'm not just incredibly pissed at him. I spent more than half my life with him. I just feel so alone right now."

"I'm sorry," I said, "that sounds awful."

"Thanks," Lynn answered, "its good to get to talk about it."

By this time we were headed over the Wrightsville Beach bridge. It felt like home to me. I had grown up a few miles away in Wilmington. A minute later we were going over the intra-coastal waterway. I slowed and parked the bike on Lumina Ave. We got off and stretched.

The restaurant I wanted to go to was right on the corner, in front of the bridge. I put my arm around Lynn and guided her across the street. The sun had gone down, but it was not yet dark, and I enjoyed looking at the scenery. It had been years since I had lived around here. I was a much different person now than the teenager I had been when I left. It seemed like that had been another life. But at the same time it felt familiar and comfortable.

We got inside and sat down. The waitress came over and asked us what we wanted to drink. We both ordered sweet tea. The waitress went to get our drinks and I said to Lynn, "I would love to split a bottle of wine with you, but I wouldn't be in any shape to drive afterwords. We would have to stay down here."

She looked at me and smiled. "Thats pretty smooth," she teased. "So your proposing that I get drunk and spend the night with you."

"So are you interested?" I asked.

"Oh hell yes," she laughed.

We drank our bottle of wine and ate our swordfish. It was all good. The company was even better. Lynn told me about growing up in Georgia, and coming to Raleigh to go to college. After dinner we walked down onto the beach, down to the water. We took our shoes off and let the waves wash over our feet. The water was cold, but it felt good. We held hands as we walked along.

About a half mile down the beach there were a few hotels. We walked up to the Holiday Inn to see if they had a room. They actually did, which in retrospect was probably a minor miracle.

Once we got in the room it was a race to see how fast we could get our clothes off. I was half drunk and hadn't slept the night before. She was half drunk and hadn't slept with anyone in five years. It was amazing that me managed to have sex at all. But we did, and what we lacked in finesse we made up for with passion.

Afterwords I lay on the bed with Lynn in my arms, thinking how much I wanted to hold her forever. She started giggling.

"What?" I asked.

She answered, "Do you think they'll clap for us when we get back?"