Stepping in the River, Twice Ch. 05

All the while I kept an eye on Matthew hoping to get his attention. My show would begin when I had his undivided attention. When the slow tune ended, the two bar girls, one on each side of me, pulled me to a booth occupied by two gruff looking tattooed American men. Neither one of the American men had shaved in at least two days. They looked like they hadn't showered in that long either which added an element of danger to the scene in the bar. For some reason the element of danger added to my excitement. I wondered if I was an exhibitionist then dismissed the idea as I realized this was one of those once-in-a-lifetime events. Whatever was unfolding would never happen again, no matter how I tried to recreate the event.

The two girls, probably not more than 18-19 years old, waved me into the booth with the two men. With a bar girl on either side of me I was introduced to the two men who ordered drinks that were very strong, meaning I needed to be careful about how much I drank. To cap things off the noise level in the bar made it difficult to really have a meaningful conversation and it was physically hot.

When I noticed Matthew was watching me from the bar with a slight smile on his face I deduced I would be safe, that he would come to my rescue if things got out of hand. I remember closing my eyes at some point and one of the bar girls getting very close to me. At first I thought she was going to whisper something in my ear then I felt her little tongue and lips nibble my ear. She didn't stop at my ear and continued to lick and kiss my exposed neck. To do this she slyly pulled the right sleeve of my top off of my shoulder, exposing my neck and shoulder to everyone.

I opened my eyes for just a moment to make sure Matthew was watching me. It was Matthew I wanted to seduce. It was his fingers and lips I wanted running down my neck stopping to linger at my now very hard nipples. My nipples were so hard they hurt and screamed for physical attention.

When the other bar girl joined her girlfriend at my other ear, I knew what was going to happen next. Both girls, in all of their lost innocence, pulled my blouse sleeves all the way down to my waist. I had never done anything like this before and began to pray Matthew would intervene before I lost control and two strangers replaced the bar girls. The other thing that had me so excited was the public nature of what was happening to me. Later I would reflect on this thought realizing that we all have a price and a point where we are capable of doing anything.

The thought made me think of Margo and her "business" relationship with Stan, Margo did not even like the man, she didn't respect him, but her goal was to capture as much of her "earned" commission as possible. Occasionally fucking Stan, in her mind, was almost incidental. Stan did not matter but making money did. When she started down that path she forgot what was important to her, like Matthew.

I don't know how long I remained with my eyes closed and tits exposed for everyone to see. The bar girls were driving me crazy with the little fingers and tongues. By the time a mouth began to kiss and suck my left breath the other girl slipped her hand into my lose fitting slacks to caress me there. Her touch was like an electric shock and I had a little orgasm. The orgasm encouraged both girls as my lack of resistance and opening of my legs let fingers slip easily beneath my thongs and into my very hot and very wet pussy. When that happened I had another orgasm.

When I opened my eyes to check on Matthew he was standing beside the booth, his hand extended slightly as if to say, let's go. He said something to the two Americans and left money on the table for the two bar girls and the drinks. It looked like a two thousand pesos which was way too much for the bar tab but enough to more than cover the services of each girl. Pulling up my blouse I realized I was not the least bit conscious being nearly naked in front of Matthew.

As I extricated myself from the both I could feel my nearly soaked ass and pussy peel away from the seat. Taking Matthew's hand and looking into his eyes told me everything I needed to know. My lust for him was evident and now, as he took my hand and smiled at me. I knew we would soon be lost in each other's sex. It was also especially exciting because it would be the first time I had ever been with a man.

I was about to lose my virginity!

When Matthew and I returned to the States I did not return to the Real Estate Office. I did meet with Margo over coffee to give her my last "report." I looked her in the eye and blatantly lied to her face telling her Matthew had not even looked at another woman while in the Philippines. I wanted to tell her about losing my virginity and fucking Matthew until I couldn't walk, or sit down, but I kept the sex very private. It had been special for me and I saw no need to sully the act by rubbing Margo's nose in it.

We only talked for 5-10 minutes. She was satisfied, thankful and slid an envelope across the table. It contained $10,000 cash for my services. It was also money I almost did not take then thought I'd need it as I got settled in my new job. I was also not ever expecting to see Matthew again and that left me feeling sad. I never told Margo the entire truth and assumed Matthew I would not do so.

What bothered me the most was the fact I'd lied to Matthew when he'd asked me if Margo had been unfaithful. I'll never forget the look of relief on his face when I said, "No, she has been painfully faithful."

Matthew heard my words. He'd been sipping a beer, a Filipino beer. He set the beer down and looked out of the hotel restaurant's window, seeing nothing in particular. I could tell that he was still replaying in his mind seeing Margo kissing her boss. I think he knew I was lying but I am sure I told him what he needed to hear. I'd also lied to Margo, thinking it was the best thing for her marriage and I really wanted Matthew to be happy, to be with the one he still loved. Only time would tell if his marriage would survive and I did not want to be an influence one way or the other.

I then walked away from Stan as my boss, from Margo as the bitch of a wife I silently prayed would eventually destroy her own marriage and my job. Inside my heart I knew I'd fallen hard for Matthew. Though he was my first sexual partner he'd proven to be a wonderful lover. Yes, I would find sex and find it frequently, that I was certain, because it felt so good to have a man in my bed. Matthew would always be the standard by which I would measure all men.

Five busy months past and I had not heard from Margo, Stan or Matthew. I'd moved on to a more career-oriented job with a major company that developed land and built shopping malls. It paid fairly well for an entry level position but had the potential for significant advancement. Then I received a call from Margo. It was an unexpected out-of-the blue call I instinctively knew was not from one friend calling to see how another friend might be doing.

"Hello Jenny, how are you?" Margo sounded professional telling me she wanted something. She reminded me of how good a salesperson she'd become, able to make, almost the same way she made a client think they were the ones making a decision to buy or sell their home. She was a manipulative genius.

"Hello Margo." Her name was programmed into my cell phone so I immediately knew it was a call from Margo.

"Hi Jenny, how are you?" I did not want to trade pleasantries, not having much patience for the woman. Last I'd heard she and Matthew were trying to work out the problems in their marriage. If this was true had she found a way not to have occasional trysts with Stan? Probably not. She would have wanted to give up any part of her commission.

"Okay Margo, Why are you calling?" Chit-chat was not one of my strong points.

"To the point, I like that about you. Jenny, Stan and I want to take you to lunch, say tomorrow at the Pelican. Are you free to join us?" There is no such thing as "free". Margo and Stan wanted something and most likely the voice recording I still had that described their business arrangement regarding her commissions.

"I suppose you want the voice recording, yes?" There was silence on Margo's end of the phone. I was guessing she'd put her hand over the phone as was conferring with Stan.

"Yes, we are prepared to make you an offer we think will make you happy. Can we count on you joining us at noon tomorrow?" Why would they want the recording now? Then I thought about it. Margo wanted it so there was no way for Matthew to have any hard evidence of her infidelities. The recording was also something Stan could use to further blackmail Margo into having an affair with her. For some reason I did not think that was possible.

Stan wanted the recording so his wife would never have proof he'd been a bastard regarding blackmailing Margo for sex.

"Give me a number." I wanted some idea of how much she and Stan were prepared to pay.

"Not over the phone. Noon tomorrow and we will talk." Margo disconnected without another word.

Yep, Margo was slick. She also was a desperate woman who wanted to save her marriage but had missed that opportunity a long time ago. I realized exactly what I needed to do, not for Margo, Stan or Matthew but for myself. If I was ever to have a chance of having a somewhat normal relationship with anyone, then Matthew needed to know the truth, and nothing but the truth. My plan was simple to execute and was sure to drive a wedge further into Margo's marriage, Stan's marriage and any possible relationship with Matthew I might crave.

When Margo and I arrived at the restaurant Stan was already seated at a booth large enough to seat 6 people. This was going to be a meeting I wanted over long before it started. I had come to realize I did not like or trust Margo or Stan. I did not like the fact Matthew was in the middle of Margo and Stan's destine relationship. I did not like myself for having deceived Matthew.

Stan had ordered drinks and looked like a hungry hawk ready to swoop down and skewer the unsuspecting rabbit. Was I now the rabbit? What is it with Margo and her rabbits? For all I knew it was her way to show affection and reduce the reality of life to a kids game and 17-second orgasms. (If you remember rabbits can ejaculate in 17 seconds or less.)

I sat on the open side of the booth next to Margo. As I sat down I placed the tiny cassette recording in the middle of the table. What was not on the table was the digital copy that had been sent to Matthew, Stan and Margo just 15 minutes prior to the meeting. After all we all live in a digital age and once things go electronic well, there it is for all time. The recording was the silly rabbit that left its hole to scamper aimlessly across the prairie.

"Margo, Stan, this is my separation gift to . . ." I didn't finish my statement because Matthew was almost to our table. I would never accept a bribe for the cassette recording at this point. It was now free for anyone who wanted to listen.

Seeing Matthew after so many months of deliberately staying away, brought up the lust and longing I harbored for the man. Stan and Margo were visibly shaken into silence. When I looked from Matthew to Margo then to Stan it occurred to me Matthew would see me as part of the Margo-Stan business arrangement and that bothered me but was nothing I could do anything about now. It bothered me because I had this remote fantasy I might be able to have Mathew at least one more time.

Inside I was also silently smiling knowing Margo would not be able to wiggle her way out by telling another lie. Then, neither would I. Matthew would, most likely, see me as just another manipulative bitch.

Matthew did not give Margo the opportunity to explain what she was doing as he walked up to our table. He must have been following his wife, or me? I don't believe in coincidences. Matthew showing up like he did meant he'd been checking his wife's story-telling-a-lie. It occurred to me he might not need the cassette recording but realized it would confirm the depth of her lies and infidelity.

I remembered the words I spoke to Matthew as we were landing at the San Francisco airport. At the time I meant them. I'd said, "I will never do anything to hurt you and my friend." Now I'd done something that would hurt his marriage, end my friendship with Margo and leave me regretting ever agreeing to go to the Philippines with Matthew. In retrospect, there was no way not to hurt Matthew or Margo and walk away with any sense of personal dignity.

Matthew addressed Margo and Stan briefly then turned and walked away.

Matthew Speaks

When my divorce from Margo was final I found myself going out to dinner, alone, to sort-of celebrate. I'd been involved with the Cathedral as a way to ground myself in the unconditional support of the faithful, of a community. I'd randomly chosen to go to the Grange for my "meal" and sat at their long comfortable wood bar. I'd been sitting at the bar eating a Brussels sprout salad and shrimp cocktail with a glass of Chardonnay. The wine went well with the salad and shrimp.

The lights were dimmed and you could see the unreal looking lights of Sacramento beyond the ceiling-high windows.

"Is this seat taken?" I'd always hated that line. It was cheesy. There was no one else in the bar and I recognized the woman's voice immediately. Just to make sure it was who I thought it was I looked up and into the wide mirror behind the bar. It was a deliberate movement on my part and allowed me to see her image first. The image was not real but she was very real. Looking at her image gave me the illusionary opportunity to ignore her if I thought it was a safer way to proceed.

Her smell had me remembering what she'd tasted and felt like. She hadn't sat down yet as she hovered over my shoulder waiting for my response. I was beginning to think playing this safe was nothing more than a waste of time. I knew I would talk to her. Hell, I'd wanted to see her again for months.

"Are you working?" I asked with as much seriousness as possible. I guess I was serious. After all she'd taken money to remain silent. She'd blackmailed Margo and Stan before finally making amends. Yet, she hadn't taken anything from me. To the contrary she'd given me a gift that can only be given once. It is a gift that will always be with me.

"I am always working but, for you, I will consider something more in trade. Do you have anything to trade?" I was trying to insult Jenny, implying she was the kind of woman who looked at life as a business transaction. Prostitutes, whose work is frequently contrary to what the law allows for, enter into business transactions.

Setting down my cocktail fork I turned to look at Jenny. She seemed to know exactly what I was doing.

"Come a little closer." I was through with the mirror game. It was time to look into the eyes of the river called my past. "Jenny, where have you been?" I was genuinely curious as to what she'd been doing since our clandestine trip to the Philippines.

"Waiting in the shadows. Working. Healing. Guarding my secrete. I guess I have been afraid to reach out to you." Between Margo, Stan and Jenny there'd been a cavern of secretes concealed and locked in one lie after another. At that moment trust was not an issue. I was wondering how to recreate that wonderful evening in the Philippines. Then I gave up my wondering knowing each day forward needed to be fresh, new, and forever creative.

"What secrete is that?" I knew what the secrete she referred to.

"Oh, it's a story about how I fell in love with someone and needed him to make love to me, over and over again. Think you can do that?" Even with the knowledge we could never relive that day when she gave up her virginity, making love to her, over and over again, presented the opportunity to endless rebirth.

It had been a long time since I'd been with a woman and Jenny certainly was everything a man could hope for in a woman. Yet I was hesitant and retreated into my philosophical self, for just a moment.

"Jenny let me share a little story with you. It is a story that is philosophical and real. It holds a lesson few people ever learn in their lifetime, not because they lack the intelligence, but because their desires guide their actions." Jenny had turned her head in curiosity as I spoke. It was then I realized she had matured over the last few months and did not look the same as she did in my memory of her.

"Go on." Her encouragement was more a whisper.

"No matter how hard we try we can never experience the same event the same way twice. Loving Margo was the kind of love that only comes once in a life time. Making love to you, taking your precious gift of blood can never happen a second time. Marriage is a sacrament, at least for me, and does not happen a second time in order to remain Holy." Yes, I was telling her marriage was something I did not see in my future. "You may want to argue this point but I would say you have not experienced marriage and you will believe what you want to believe. In the words of the famous sage you simply cannot step in the same place in the river twice." Jenny had just invited me to fuck her over-and-over again and I'm falling back into philosophical bull shit. It was my way of setting boundaries.

I stopped and motioned the bartender to bring a drink for Jenny then returned to look her in the eyes. God, she was beautiful and sexy!

"Let me finish this little story. You can't take back the fact you took money to report to Margo. You can't give me your virginity a second time. What you have done, by opening my eyes to the truth and depth of Margo's infidelity, and why she'd crossed that line, also cannot be undone or taken back. By hurting me you pulled the covers off of my eyes and let me see again. I don't always like what I see, but the world is no longer filtered or fettered."

"Enough talk Matthew." Jenny leaned in to kiss me. As she did I backed up slightly. She stopped at my movement backwards then reached out and took hold of my polo shirt and pulled me firmly to her lips. I did not hesitate to return the kiss.

I really didn't have anything else to say. Besides it is difficult to talk when being kissed by one of heaven's goddesses. Her tongue had attacked the uvula, that little sac that hangs in the back of your throat. The Grange is a fairly upscale restaurant but no one seemed to notice Jenny and I locked in a five minute French kiss.

Where Jenny and I went from here was not clear because that part of the river had not yet reached us. My marriage had been a painful lesson I had no desire to ever step into again, with anyone. Well, at least not tonight!