All Comments on 'Tara James & Me'

This story might have been a great deal better had you taken more time with it. For example, what do Tara and Monica look like? Not every reader will be familiar with their websites, and so some description is in order. What were they wearing when you met them? Did you meet Tara when her hair was long and dark, or did you meet the "new" Tara with short, blonde hair? Given that their pictures are available on the net, you might even paste a couple into the story (I'm not sure about the legality of this, however).

Don't rush the action. The foreplay seems to consist pretty much of "As I entered, Tara grabbed me and began to make out with me with lots of passion. Our tongues wrestled for about 5 minutes."

That's it??? What were the two of you doing with your hands? How did she feel and smell? Did she groan with passion? Talk dirty? Was she any good? What was Monica doing? Did anybody say anything while all this was going on?

"Monica left the room and said she would be right back." Order of action: shouldn't she have said she'd be right back AS she left the room, or said she'd be right back AND THEN left the room?

Use dialogue so the characters seem more real. For example: "She returned a couple minutes later, naked and with a 12 inch strap on. Tara told her that would have to wait."

Taken in isolation, this isn't so bad, but it's typical of much of the story: you are writing a rather dry narrative instead of writing a dialogue, which is more interesting. This is erotica, not a history paper! I would also add that in this particular case, you blew a chance to add an erotic little tid-bit: what are Monica and Tara doing with a 12" strap-on? A little discussion about what they like to do together when there isn't a guy around could be very interesting!

I must say that Tara must either be awfully forgiving or a totally sex-crazed tramp. After all, you came in her mouth without warning and then cobbed her so hard that "she let a screech of pain." Why the hell didn't she slap the teeth out of your mouth?

Try reworking your story a bit. I would suggest reading "Summer of Innocence" or "Double Dipping Ch. 05" by Erlikkhan as examples of good groupsex writing. You might also take advantage of some of the volunteer editors.

Good luck.