The Accident Ch. 05

I was called as soon as it all came down. My revenge had begun. The next step was the jail. I had friends, as I mentioned earlier, on both sides of the law. Bill was about to meet...'Bubba' and Bubba wanted and needed a new...'Bitch'. All it cost me was three cartons of Pall Mall cigarettes, and a few magazines delivered to the jail by another 'friend'. In one of the magazines was a picture, pasted expertly on a page, showing Bill Samuels booking photo. Target acquired.

That night, for the first time in a long time, I slept. Like a baby. The next morning I got a phone call from Sue. She had read the morning paper and Bill's name was all over it. He former employer had called wanting some information from her, afraid I guess of being sued for sexual discrimination. We arranged to meet at a restaurant.

I finished out the day with a bit of sadness deep inside. Everything had gone so well up until that one evening. I had thought I was over the anger issues and then I found out that not only was I not over them, they had gone deep into my mind. Between my visits with the doctor, and thinking about everything, I had come to a conclusion.

That night, Susan looked nervous, but beautiful. I had a pain in my heart as I held her chair for her at our table. Sitting across from her I just looked at her for a bit. We visited about things, Bill being the topic of choice. He hadn't been able to make bail and was sitting in jail. I had learned that the cartons of cigs and the magazines had been accepted. That part of the deal was done by now.

We ate and for a bit there was an uncomfortable silence between us. Then, feeling I needed to get things started I began to talk.

"Sue, I am so sorry about that night. I hurt you and I have no excuse for that."

"I'm all right John. I got over it. It just scared me so bad. The look in your face...was...I thought you might really hurt me the way you looked. It was all my fault too. If I hadn't cheated on you..."

"Sue, while it does take two to tango, it wasn't all your fault. He maneuvered and drugged you. He set you up to fall, and after some time, you did. He used you like he used many other women in his past. My anger...it is deeper than we originally thought. My psychologist has been working with me and together we made some choices. Hard choices for me, but they needed to be made."

"You're leaving me aren't you?"

Her question, short and direct hit me hard. Harder than I had thought it would. It was true though. I had come to the conclusion that we couldn't' stay together as my anger was just deep enough I'd never be sure if I got it all out. I needed to cut Sue loose so she could move on. I was holding us back now...and the only way I could fix it was to let her go.

"I'm sorry Susan. I love you, but that anger...it came out of nowhere and I have no idea if it would ever surface again or not. I went to my shrink several times since and we can't seem to work it out so I can deal with it. I love you enough to not want to take a chance that I'd hurt you bad...too bad."

"I kind of figured that would be what you'd have to do John. I...that night, it just wasn't you. You were like someone else. Someone dark and sinister. I've been afraid that you would have to make this decision. I came here tonight half prepared for it."

"I'm sorry Sue. I truly am. I love you yet if I can't even figure out how to handle the anger, I could never trust myself around you for fear it would surface again. I wish there were another way. Even my doctor has figured that whatever is wrong is buried too deep for us to get it out any time soon."

That night was one of the hardest nights in my entire life. Telling someone that I loved that I had to leave her for her own good. I had a hard time swallowing it myself. That anger was just too much, too dangerous to take a chance on though.

Sue did not contest the divorce. Within a few months we were done as man and wife. Getting that notice from the court system brought me into a depression that lasted for several weeks. We had failed. We had become just another statistic in the scheme of things.

Once in a while I'd see Sue around, and when we met we'd talk about things. She wasn't mad at me, understanding why I had to do what I did. We would talk and laugh about this or that, then go on about our business. Like close friends. Certainly not like the lovers and man and wife we had once been.

After a few months I tried dating, but the fear of that anger coming boiling up made me too cautious at times and I had a hard time getting more than one or two dates from women. It was like they all sensed a danger deep within. I did run into Nancy one day. We talked and I told her about my divorce. I even told her why we divorced, about that anger I had. She seemed to understand, and she talked to me like she wanted to try going out again.

We made a date, and it went fairly well. While we didn't end up in bed afterwards, we did kiss and do some light necking. I just didn't feel a 'fire' for her like I had before. We parted with the promise of another date that weekend. I was hoping, I guess, that that fire would get rekindled.

I was alone in my life most of the time. Due to that, I had thrown myself into my work so much that my boss had several time mentioned that I needed to take a break...a vacation or something. He knew of most of the problems I'd had over the last year or so and was very sympathetic. I guess I was one of his best people too, as he didn't want me burning out any time soon.

I set up dates for my vacation, and also arranged for another date with Nancy. We had done okay on our last date, even though I had doubts, I wanted to pursue her for a while until I saw either way what I wanted. Nancy accepted the date and as it was to be on the following Friday, I planned on a nice dinner and maybe some dancing and then hopefully, some time spent at my place.

I saw Sue during the week, and we talked a bit. Like old friends more than anything else. She had managed to get a promotion where she was working now and seemed quite happy. She told me she wasn't dating at all. Didn't have the time or inclination to date. All in all, she seemed to be handling being divorced quite well though. I had been a bit worried about her in that respect.