All Comments on 'The Best Birthday Present Ever!'

A sad tale. Excellently written. Jake's revenge on his cheating wife was a little severe, actually a lot severe. Killing yourself is not the way to go. Well, at least Julie and Ted lived happily ever after. NOT

Don't cheat.

buggered cornhole leaking, he drank the creamy jizz, betrayed!

Having Jake commit suicide by rent-a-cop was a bit too extreme for me. I also tried to understand why Ted would be charged for any crime. It did not matter that the gun was fake, the fact was that to everyone there it looked real. He was doing his job and protecting everyone.

A pretty good read all in all. An extreme reaction, but the counselor warned us of his unhealthy reliance on his wife. Battlefield stress and the lingering effects can take many forms.

Every so often I read a cheating spouse story on this site and it makes me very mad, this is one such story. What they all have in common is one spouse through extreme stupidity, overwhelming selfishness, delivering maximum pain to their former loved ones and always topping it of when surprise at the end effect of what they have done.Jake's plan (reaction to the adultery) was in his mind not revenge but a way to end the overbearing pain he now found himself surrounded by. For a exmilitary man who had seen combat at it's worst and seen life to be worth virtually nothing, he's actions make a lot of sense. For Jake, his world had ended, nothing of consequence left to live for either. Julie's case is much more complicated, we as readers will never really know why she allowed what started as a fantasy (sex iwth another man) to lead to self-destructive, submissive acts with her fuck toy (you really can't call what they did love). Ted was a dominant, self absorbed prick and saw absolutely no harm in whatever he did or what he told Jule (another man's wife) to do. Shame he only got 3 years but it is hard to justify two kill shots at close range when the other man did not have a gun and of course did nothing to menace Ted or the bank.

In the end, I personally know the daily torment that she endured but at the same time I wish her fucking cat would die in her arms.

I am sad for people with deep depession, so to commit suicide for revenge is not good idea. My teacher had 1 son and 1 husband. She was extramarital affair with her just graduate 18 years student. The husband got suicide for this humiliation and the widow lived together with the 20 years younger lover after it.................I think to remain alive he could couse more problems through the common son to the pairs as the suicid coused.

si she cheated, he found out .decided to end it by suicied by armed guard. so why the jail time,the other guy did not know he wasnot armed .death by cop suicide happens.

You have certainly written a story that is very sad on several points. First of all the cheating by the wife, that was sad enough, but to let the 'hero' die? well that's not the way I would let him get his revenge, I tend towards the best revenge is to have the 'hero' live well and find someone that really cares for them but having said that it was a good read and well written thank you for your time in writing the story.

or maybe not so much. Obviously a sad (and dark, and extreme) exploration of one possible avenue that can flow from adultery. I appreciate the effort and the outline-you even went into a fair amount of detail about the couple's history and relative personalities, especially for a rather short story. I could understand the hubby's reaction.

I do have some (hopefully constructive) criticisms, however. First, the dialogue was clunky and aritificial to me. I tried to 'hear' the telephone conversations, as well as the interactions of the wife with the police, and none of it rang true. People just don't talk like that under those circumstances. I applaud the use of dialogue to move a story forward-and I know how hard it is to do that effectively-so I encourage you to keep trying.

Second, the wife's actions and words, in the context of everything, make no sense. In other words, her actions don't ring true. If I can't believe a character's actions, then I can't really buy into the story. She seems to love her husband-she is destroyed when she finds out what he did, she makes love to him passionately even while having the affair, she seems very loving towards him, too. She tells her sister that the affair is meaningless-an adventure, a fantasy, etc. However, her words to the asshole are very different-she talks about running off with him, she joins in the derision of the hubby (calling him "Crip", comparing him unfavorably to her lover, feeding hubby a cream pie, etc.). Now, maybe that is all just so much b.s. she is talking to the asshole-she may not mean any of it-it might be part of the fantasy, etc. But, that is pretty fucking cold. And, she is engaged in this affair, which is common knowledge amongst her co-workers; she has to know it will get out eventually. Now, she is secure in her hubby's love for her (he wouldn't leave her), but presumably she would know this would hurt him deeply if he found out, yet she persists in an absurdly public way. She knows he is in counselling for depression/PTSD, she knows he was seriously wounded in war. She knows what it is like to have received news that he might be lost to her. Yet she so callously risks losing him/destroying him emotionally? For a fantasy?

See, I just don't believe that this woman would behave this way, under the circumstances. So, I couldn't really buy into the story.

Keep writing. 4 stars.

But hilarious nevertheless. 4*.

Ted would have walked. In any state a bank guard can defend himself with deadly force if threatened with grievous bodily harm. The mask and the "fake" gun were real enough and given the circumstances Ted would have never been charged.

That particular plot device was not well though out.

THIS is what you call punishment??? Why don't you Google "slap on the wrist" and see if you can come up with a fitting/better end for Julie the Whore! Overall, good story .. terrible ending!

wouldn't have gone to jail it was self defence,even if jake said "damn the gun is jammed'...ted had no reason to believe that jake was anything but a robber. I also don't buy julie as the loving wife who pines for jake,that tape wasn't just fantasy,going along,etc. To make this story work would need more depth,as written it wad shallow and unfulfilling.If he really wanted to get revenge he would have set it up so he was running away when ted shot him

would have been having her do the same thing her husband did, at her new bank.

for bringing consequenses & revenge back to the genre.

That said, it's the ultimate sacrifice for Jake, even if Julie doesn't actually want Jake to die.

Someone elese said it though, It would have been better if Jake had of taken off his ski mask, turned and ran and Ted the slimeball coward that he was shot Jake in the back. What a dirtbag, worthless trollop Julie was.

This was not very effective revenge. In reality, Ted would not be charged. Julie would get over her spouse's suicide -- she'd blame it on his depression. Anyone living in a fantasy is not likely to take the blame for "causing" a suicide. Lots of errors -- an editor would be helpful.

Ted shoots a guy who comes at him masked and with what appears to be a real gun, and he goes to jail? Do you have ANY idea how the law works? Absolutely stupid.

The extreme act of Hubby was foreshadowed (actually, forescreamed) by his counselor's note about his motives being too dependent on Sweetie. It was WAY too blatant in pointing to her disappointing Hubby and then Hubby reacting irrationally!

The gun wasn't working. Therefore, it could be argued that as he had a non-working gun, Ted's other options included physically taking down the 'robber' in a non-lethal way.

Thanks for the positive comments.

There are some who would have wanted this to play out in a different way. That's cool! What you can do is take the basic premise and create your own story.

Ted had no way of knowing the gun wasn't working. It appeared to misfire once; that doesn't mean it would misfire a second time. since was working as a bank guard, Ted was licensed and trained. He was dealing with a potential murderer. His job is to save lives. Police and security personnel are not required to endanger their own lives

by using non-lethal tactics on someone with a gun.

this was another good story line that was original - keep writing - you are getting there. you just need more practice - your ideas are original. and you are the author so in your world the law and facts are what you say they are.

Now that's some good writing to me. Thank you for sharing this very entertaining story.

...fairly well written with less grammatical errors than a lot of authors on this site. The problem is that your characters, the evil wife and wimpy husband, are basically the same characters in all your stories. Try throwing in a little revenge if you're going to submit in the "Loving Wives" category. That goes over pretty well with the LW crowd. A little real revenge, not that wimpy suicide stuff, would have gotten this story probably into the mid-fours, as far as ratings go. Actually, this story, if submitted in "Non-erotic" would have rated much higher. Much more lenient crowd.

you get to say what the facts are and what the law is - you did a good job of showing a man guilty because he lived and was deperssed about it. the wife was just that, some kid, but she was playing at being an adult. you got the emotion out there - it was a real loving wife story. it was damn unique and a different story line, which is difficult to do.

It's a slightly different twist on the revenge genre, but a decent story nonetheless. However, reading some of the other comments on here make me sad. Sheesh, It's not like you killed Christ or something.

You develop a better style as you go - but the seeds of how you look at this subject is well planted here -

Why did Ted get three years for doing his job of protecting the bank and shooting an apparently armed robber?

No explanation for the conviction? Cheating asshole or not, there's no law against gunning down a suicidal moron who deliberately makes it look like he's violently robbing a bank. In fact, that's often referred to as "suicide by cop" and it's not held against the cop when they off the moron.

And yeah, Jake wasn't really a cuckold until he killed himself. That's suicide, and it's the coward's way out. I see why you wrote "Take 2", he looks like an even bigger ass in this story than if he'd simply stuck to sneaking around and wiretapping his wife.

I had to re-read this before I read the new version.

Jake really needed more psychiatric help like his shrink said. He was in no condition to handle any troubles with his wife and proved it in the end. Life sucks.

I liked the premiss, but insufficient background evidence to justify Jake's rather dramatic suicide. Yes he had problems, but the Jake I saw in the story wouldn't have gone so gently into that good night.

Great concept for a story, but the dialogue didn't resonate as genuine.

a very powerful story. you did good with it.

Any woman who would take a lover, have the hubby suck out the lovers sperm, and plan to run away with the lover, could probably care less about the love of a good man, let alone his death. In spite of all these stories about cheating spouses and how supposedly "torn" they are in the aftermath of things, it's obvious to me that anyone with the contempt and indifference this cheating wife exuded that she'd shed no tears over the death of the hubby she didn't want anyways.

I hope she DOES end up like that detective's sister-in-law!

And she should spare us her phony-baloney sympathy for her husband!

Maybe she WASN'T going to run off with Ted, but she WAS fucking him, she DID make Jake drink Ted's cum, and she DID mock him with Ted.

Sad story, containing a glimpse of something that has happened far too often'

Julie's punishment fit the crime better than any prison sentence would have. She would forever be a prisoner of her actions, in her mind.

That every woman and girl out there has a twat just like his wife. Julie wants to get a cat for company? Why? She already has a cat between her legs. And a randy one at that. Jake was a simpleton and was too eager to kill himself. Fuck, ain't a pussy been born that's worth dying for.

Shitty dark one. You seem to have a fixation for men drinking sperm from their wives vaginas. I wonder who did it start? Real life experience maybe?

Been reading matt’s Stories and most are really good. A few need endings but none the less they are really interesting. I love this one it struck a cord with me. Keep up the good writing will be watching. 😎

I read the alternate ending version first, so was hesitant about this. It's heart wrenching, but still compelling.

A few things. The police officer being named Tom confused me as I got it confused with Ted. I didn't understand the not having a lot bleeding line. Then I figured out if the first shot stopped the heart, then blood would not be pumping out. A sentence explaining would help us non-CSI types. :-)

Kudos for your writing style. I, as a Yank, appreciate that you use some British talk, but not all out Cockney. Doing mini translations is fun and allows me learn a little British English at the same time. However, need to translate a lot can be tiring and sometime the meaning gets lost. I remember the Jethro Tull song "Hunting Girl". I original thought it was charming romance. After figuring out phrases like "spur necks the size of my thumb", I had the sudden revelation, "OMG, it's kinky!!"

would prosecute a suicide by cop

People just don't change that fast

Kept hoping he was going to do something to desk etc

Hated

I just discovered this author and really, really like him. It looks like he hasn't written much this year and do hope we have not lost him.

Not lost, merely bogged down with writing a dissertation.

And I have another story in the queue, so please look out for that.

Thank you!!

Good luck on the dissertation!

Read this one after reading the other story. This one hurts, as a vet, and I much prefer the second story. Both are good, but no one should die for a foolish woman.

How can she both be worried about him finding out, and planning om running out on him?

If he's "Crip," why is Ted so afraid of him? OI guess he's not THAT crippled!

There's no way that Ted would be convicted of ANYTHING, especially considering his job, which was to do exactly what he did.

Not really my cup of tea, this story. Jakey was probably unbalanced after returning from war service which made him unable to cope with the skank's slutting around.

Another story I hated, but gave it a *5 because it is so good.

A good, but, extremely sad story. Nicely done. The only objection I have is Ted's conviction. He had a reasonable fear of death, so his shooting of Jake should not have resulted in a conviction. Other than that, a good story.

-

Thank-you

-

Pasqual

Well he certainly showed her didn’t he? What a pathetic pile of shit loser this husband was. The stupid weak bastard deserved to die. He was just using up resources a real man might need.

It was refreshing to finally read a story with a happy ending. The husband was a weak pussy who deserved to die. I’m sure the wife will be much happier now. 5 stars.

It's not what it should've been.

um how would they get a conviction for death by cop well security guard in this case? I don't see how it could ever come to trial, never mind stand tuth is probably for the best that weak a man is tough to die.

Get committed what crime? Doesn't make any sense

I have no use for a wife who shits on a husband wounded in combat. Good story about some shitty people. She gets to spend the rest of her life with a gift that keeps on giving. Those commenters who called him a wuss are disgusting people.

Ed

Given 5 stars, but "love It" is hardly a suitable term.

Love makes us all vulnerable, and those who have returned from war often have monsters to deal with as well.

Looking at some of the "Hard Men" responses, the best present you could get is to understand vulnerability, it's an odd present because it is also the most painful gift.

Poor choice of words, referring to a man who recently survived a land mine explosion, as stumped.

Bad.

It felt like you had to use the men's room while you were writing the conclusion. She was a "heffer" and cows usually land on their feet when their young and still get around.

Your writing is pretty decent and this didn't fit the norm.

I know this is an older story, and I know you're British, but "whilst" is British usage, Americans say "while."

I was in the US Army, lost my leg to a high caliber round over Grenada. I know Jake's mindset and how great that recorded revelation was to him. You did good with the "outside looking in". That counselor had their head up their ass, evidently the Veterans Administration in Britain does the same as they do in the states, they hire counselors who have no idea about PTSD. For me, it is not guilt about surviving its about the looks on the face of every person I killed in uniform. I suspect 'Jake' was under medication. That would only mask the real, underlying problem. I've seen it myself, because I refused to medicate myself.

From this Story - "Ted did do was three years, plus another three on probation on a plea bargain deal"... what a ridiculous inclusion, Ted was a security guard for christ sake, he had no idea that it was Jake wearing a zipped orange mechanic's cover all, with his face and head totally obscured by a ski mask, and also he would have had no idea it was a toy gun that Jake raised and pointed at him!!!. Why is the Male Species becoming more and more brain dead?, Covid Vax's???

UN UN UNREALISTIC

Wow story, but no idea why Ted got jail, what he did was almost normal. He certainly should have at least tried to tell the "gunman" to put the gun down, once he had the gunman at disadvantage.

So, not perfect in the moment, but well done on the whole.