All Comments on 'The Christmas Gift Ch. 02'

Well done. By the way, in Europe, as well as up here in the Great White North (aka Canada), the 26th is considered the 2nd day of Christmas, also called Boxing Day, so perhaps the adventure should continue for at least one more day. Please?

I liked the second chapter but was a little confused. In the first chapter you said the father had died. In the second chapter, you have him leaving his family for someone else. Which is it? I hope you will continue with the story.

Proofread, proofread, and proofread again. In chapter one you mentioned that he saw someone in his late father's recliner -- late father implies he has passed away (died). In this chapter you say his dad left the family, as in walked out on them. Then, in the scene after she returns from putting Jake to bed, you first have them in her bedroom behind closed doors, but then you go on to write that Andrew wanted to lay his mother on the rug in front of the fireplace like the night before. Shortly after this, Andrew is carrying his mother up to her bedroom. That causes confusion for the readers. So I will say it again: Proofread, proofread, and proofread again.

So the father was dead in the first chapter, or at least he was dead to them all since he ran off… :)

The story concept and the style of writing is great though and that is what matters.

Well done!

I would respectfully suggest to rcwilliams author of “Valentine's Day Tradition” (also posted recently) that he please read this story involving a “family tradition” that actually works.

One of my failures, I admit. Thank you to those who pointed out the discrepancies. The original story was just chapter one and had no follow-up. The father was emphatically dead. The characters appealed to me so I decided to continue the story. I wrote chapter three because that's where my muse led me. After that was finished, I went back to write the second chapter. There were all sorts of issues. I spelled 'Marylin' here, 'Marilyn' there. I couldn't remember if it was Kris or Kriss. The cat was gray; the cat was black. The master bedroom was downstairs or upstairs, I'm not sure which. An earlier story I had written had a teen with a terminal disease and I didn't want another dead person, so I decided to let the father live but disappear. I should have fixed the earlier reference. Sloppy, but no excuse.

Unless our author has hoodwinked us all, this is her first story. Yes, mistakes. But are they that bad? My opinion says no, she will get better. Let's be cheerful/graceful for having a new talented writer that has an original idea or storyline.

Thanks Don

Who cares about proof reading sweetness? This is not an English Lit assignment. We can figure out that part: did you readers ever hear of gestalt?

You are a great story teller and very imagininative. Your story telling simply exudes sweetness which cancels just about all editorial sins. We love you!

Actually, it is. Errors in continuity, spelling and grammar can, and often do render a story un-enjoyable. In this case there were some "huh?" moments, but they were minor and easily ignored.

Having someone read your stories with fresh eyes will turn up any number of inconsistencies. You will miss them simply because you know what you meant to say, and you won't see what you actually wrote. Do get an editor to help you.

I find it refreshing and erotic that you haven't been overly detailed in your descriptions and actions. I prefer, as you have done, that the writer give just enough to trigger my own imagination. Use Elmore Leonard as your model; you won't go wrong.

I've read the first two chapters and found them utterly delightful! I can only assume that the rest of them will be just as much fun. Especially if Andrew has more interactions with Kris. I liked the old guy, even though he sounded very Jewish!

I also read the story about the photographer and his mother and it was just as good if not better. So keep up the good work, because I'm pretty sure I can read faster than you can write! Thats a tease.

The characters are developing and growing. The son is starting to mature. Sensitivity, respect, and emotional chemistry is starting to develop between mother and son. Chapter 2 rated 5stars.