All Comments on 'The Commander Ch. 03'

The story seems to be progressing, but there are a few things that aren't clear enough. I thought the Commander (Don, or Jet, or whatever the name you will use for him from now on) could only mind-control other people in such a way that they are practically puppets, and that they will just sit or stand dumbly unless he tells them what to do. That's the impression I got from the previous chapters. So, what did he do to Nicole? And what will happen when they all wake up tomorrow? Will his control of her disappear during sleep?

Now, another thing. Your way of explaining how mind controlling works is somewhat technical. If the main character starts developing new abilities, then it would be awesome if you could make it gradual and (and this is VERY important) to write the Commander's own impressions and inner thoughts on the matter.

Now that I think on it, that's it! Those impressions and inner thoughts are what lacks in this story. Not too much, you understand, but since this is a first-person narrative, it always helps if a reader can connect with the main character on a personal level. Therefore, some personal, emotional thoughts, views on broader spectrum of things... I mean, what does he feel of Fiona? Is it infatuation, is it love? What? Except for awesome fucking, we don't really know.

Now that I think about it, there never was any character history. When did he develop his powers? How old was he, how did it feel for him? Us readers are hungry for this, and erotica is more than just visualization of good sex, but of emotions, too. He was already like 50, and he had had a life. Was there someone in his life long ago that this new girl might remind him of?

Look. This new body he has acquired... it is basically a new beginning, a reincarnation of a sort. It is something all of us dream. Write of it. Write what he feels like now. You see, even sex scenes - which are pretty good, except that I find it just a bit weird for that gender-bending thing - even sex scenes can be enormously better if you employ the emotions he felt toward his partners. I mean, what's the point of doing a total stranger (no matter what body he's wearing) if it is just for scenes of fucking, and to point out that he can? You might argue that he did it "so the other person might have something to remember", but what did it do for Him (the Commander) exactly? It never says. If it did, if you had taken a time to develop it story-wise, then it would be more cool than it was. But such things take time, so next time you write something, don't jump into it immediately like you did.

So... If you improve on these aspects: his mind control, his inner thoughts, his emotions, his reasons, and the new beginning of his life - then this story, or any story you might write thereafter, will develop a life of its own, and there will be people screaming at you to update.

Does this seem like too much? Too overwhelming? Yeah... but nothing's worth doing unless improving. And another thing! Literotica authors practice something called re-posting - it's when they go back and re-work old posts into a better version, the one that tweaks all the kinks. Keep that in mind for later times.

Great story!!!

I hope you have more like these.

Private and most exciting!!

Love everything literotica has to offer!!!

Faithful story reader