All Comments on 'The Game'

I've only struggled through Page 1, and the story seems to be shaping up at that point, but I keep running into typos, word usage errors, and verbal gaffes; it's a rough slog.

The story certainly would have been improved by an editor who just cleaned up the basic English.

Keep trying.

Not a bad plot but really needs editing big time. Plus, there was no indication this was not a complete story. Could have used Ch 1 in the title, especially given this segment was 6 Literotica pages long.

You have an interesting idea in a genre that very seldom sees one

But take the idea and limit the number of tasks to three or four - Jason in his pursuit of the Golden Fleece had to accomplish only three - and make the last one her husband may not want to watch

To add to the suspense forget the no sex rule she imposes on both of them. Let husband beat off - and WONDER whether the next humiliation she intends to inflict on herself might include giving head to a stranger and/or screwing a stranger and/or taking it in the ass from a stranger

I agree with the others who suggested a MUCH shorter game. But points for something new!

Liked it. Get an editor!

The story didn't float my boat but I do see improvement in your writing. I would still recomend an editor to iron out the many rough spots. Keep posting.

Got bored did not finish. I enjoy your writings, but not this one. Looking forward to your next story.

The spelling and grammar errors were constant and very annoying. The idea for the story is unusual and interesting. However, how do you get an uptight woman who hates porn to inflict this stuff on herself? It makes absolutely no sense and you make no effort to explain how a character could act this way. For example, maybe she had a friend that talked her into it. But a conservative person would not think up a game like this, let alone take part in one. Another thing that is ridiculous is the pharmacy scenes. The pharmacist teases her and asks for ID. These people and the stores are licensed. Patients come in with all sorts of embarrassing medical conditions and NO ONE says anything to them. No pharmacist would risk such a blatant act of harassment. They could get fired instantly and lose their license. You took a 13 year old boy's embarrassment about buying condoms and wrote it into the story but it's just stupid. A lot of the other ideas are erotic, cute, or funny and as a whole make a good story. Some seem like duplicates. Buying a BOB and a dildo are about the same thing. But I guess that's OK. It just seems like a little more imagination might have delivered more unique ideas. Not too bad overall but GET AN EDITOR!!

clean up the spelling and other errors

I understand the idea and it is an interesting idea. But to got this extreme? You are obviously into BDSM, Watching and Humiliation or something close to it. Whatever floats your boat I guess.

I have to give you props for the originality of the idea and a very good dialogue between a believable husband and wife. All to often a new writers dialogue is flat and lifeless, this was a believable interaction between a husband and wife. Running a gamut of moods from possessive, exasperated, jealous, loving, submissive, annoyed, playful and many others.

Yes you could have done some minor things better like indicate there is a chapter 2 coming and maybe an editor would help condense the story a bit (6 pages seemed long) but all in all a great effort. Please keep it up.

I really enjoyed this story. Interesting, exciting story. Liked the development of the characters, as she became turned out by what she was doing and he became more involved. Looking forward to seeing where this will go. Yes, some editing would help, and some of the grammar mistakes are distracting, but you write well. No, it's not too long. It was as long as it needed to be. Don't let some of these comments get you down. Hope to see more from you.

I echo the previous comments. An original idea and creative writing, but misspelling and incorrect word usage makes it hard to read and takes away the impact of your story. I would strongly suggest an editor. But please keep writing this story. If it were better edited it would not appear to be so long and tedious.

I gave it a 5. It was a great idea and managed to be playful and a bit kinky without being cruel to the wife. I was glad to see that the husband was protective of her when it counted. I really liked it!

-- Jim

Damn I am so disappointed

As the saying goes, time to ditch the bitch before she ruins both of your lives with her excessive compulsions. Getting VD, HIV, or some other human to human disease or her pregnant, or one of you beaten up or killed isnt necessary to keep a wife with an IQ of about 50.

Like Anonymous I found getting past the first page quite tough and I agree with Anonymous having someone edit it would have improved the story. For me, I felt the story was too long with a lot of material that could have been either eliminated or rewritten. If you had taken the time to edit the story, I feel, you would have a much more enjoyable story. The challenge I would like to give you is to rewrite the story, edit it,resubmit it as an edited story or as a completely new story.

acted the way you had them act in the story. You also need to get a good editor, there are too many wrong words or misplaced words to keep a good flow of the story. Better luck next time.

very interesting story, gave me and my wife some great ideas. please finish this story with a part 2. thanks

Wonderfully written with great discipline...very well thought out. Thank you for a great read. I thoroughly enjoyed your efforts. Bravo WantABWriter!

What a stupid, illiterate and moronic cunt.

her reaction from divorce to active participant was beyond believable. His reaction to her...fantasy talk was opathetic. It's ok for him to cheat by watching other women but it's not ok for her to have a male waxing her chocha or having a male gynecologist? Really? Hypocrisy much?

The behaivior of the store clerks was stupid. Pharmacists are used to people buying all kinds of shit. They don't care, they will help advise the proper procedures and results...that's it. As well, sales clerks don't care if the dog collar is for you or for Rex, they sure as fuck won't hit on you and the idea that a sales clerk would be embarressed about selling sex devices???Why the fuck is he working in a sex shop then?

All in all, a good story; but with so many holes to make it unenjoyable. Totally killed my hardon.

to all ESL folks who write English well -- I thought early on that this was written by a struggling ESL individual. Then I read you are a Texan, and I understood. As an Alaskan, may I say English _is_ your Second Language, as Texan is your First! I didn't read it all. The premise was fair, but the reading was drudgery. Sorry. Far from a 5 in my opinion.

Your story idea was good and made an enjoyable, if difficult read, but one that was, in the end, worth the effort.

You really must, if you do 'WantAB(a)Writer', read through your work much more assiduously before sending it off for publication. I understand there are many here who will help out with sub-editing, and I strongly advise you to seek out the services of one of them.

You have the potential -- now you need to work on the nuts and bolts of writing

Just what my title for this comment says. You should never torture us again with your absolutely horrible grasp of the English language. You have absolutely no sense of pronouns, subject/object agreement, gerunds, you name it. Horrible.

Also paying attention to how people really speak would help. Now if the goal was to be erotic, you missed. If it was ENF, you missed. You almost made it in exhibition but slipped over that. There is too much drivel blended in with no real point and the characters lack any emotion at all. This reader found the need to go back and reread to see if there was some kind of intent but there really didn't seem to be any. Better than a 2 but barely.

Then along comes Harry, still drinking too much. Give him all the credit an idiot deserves.

Proof reading would help, I loved the story and wish it was me and my wife

the idea was good but missed the potential of a rocking story by letting her be used by other men/women

It will help, I promise you. Meanwhile, this story seems more about Liz exploring her own sexuality than any real punishment for Jim.

this story had more going on for it than most that i have read in literotica... i thought it was readable enough that i returned to it later the same day... not as disposable as almost everything on here... dont let the negative optinions get you down, please continue... it has lots of good ideas... a rare commodity imhofwiw...

but the comments about editing (which to me means thinking strategically about plot, length, character development and then making sure your story says all it needs to in the sparest, most compact space it can) and proofreading (spelling, grammar, syntax, subject-verb agreement, etc) are absolutely spot on. Those of us who like your stories are the ones who feel most frustrated by these shortcomings.

What I do especially like is the way the wife, who is clearly an obsessional control-freak, gradually discovers anew how well-suited she and her husband really are, that this surprises her, has her feeling a bit appalled at first and increasingly turned on as the game goes on. In my view the husband's reactions and evolving feelings are handled with less sureness: he seems to move all too quickly from the shame/perplexity of the opening few scenes to the confident domination in the later sections of this first installment. Also, I found it surprising and disappointing that as they moved later in the weekend and the game aroused them both more and more, that they didn't let their passions push them to intercourse. But it's your story...

I felt this was well written, with few gramatical errors. I look forward to the rest of it.

Love the story line, can't wait for the next installment.

Got well deserved 1* !

I cannot wait until the next chapter to be posted. You left me hanging.I NEED More!

I loved this story. The wife goes into places I cannot imagine. It held me over all 6 pages, and I am disappointed the sequel has not arrived yet. I look forward to it with a sense of real anticipation.

That is one of the best stories and situations I've read in quite awhile. It could have been in the fetish or BDSM categories but it works here as well.

I still have a problem with the lack of attention to the finer points of writing you demonstrate. Several misspellings and most of those were words spelled correctly but the wrong word in a situation. I know from my own writing personal, professional and erotic that when you read your own material you can miss those details because your brain knew what you meant. Please, please, please...get someone to read your stories for you and edit. They don't have to change a thing to the plot, dialogue or development but they do need to check your grammar, punctuation and word choice. Sure this is an erotic site but why not type in txt format then? Because you want people to read your story without having to stop and ponder what you really meant.

I'd be glad to do it, simply read for errors or bounce ideas off me. There are others who do this regularly as well. If you don't then please change your name because you would not really be a wantABwriter.

I think this is the best story I've read on this site. Looking forward to part2.

I love your style & will surely read all your stories. Keep writing...please!

It is most interesting that most of these people demanding perfection are obviously not even able to leave a brief post without error. The immediately prior post is a perfect example. Editors can help us all, so joining the growd would obviously be a great idea. As I recall, shorter paragraphs would also be helpful. Congradulations on attracting so many comments!!

This is realy differet, I LIKED it aLOT, LoL.....bill

Well,you have damn long way to go ! 1* !

Is "presents of mind" anything like "presence of mind?" A collage and college have very little in common.

One of my all time favorites. I do agree with the advice to get an editor, though.

Well deserved "1*" !!

What a dumbass. What a lame story.

Great story premise. A good editor would help some awkward dialogue and distracting language, but i enjoyed the dynamic you created

Thanks.

Now if only real life wives were so willing to debauch themselves.

Worth the read. She got to realize hubby loved her. That makes everything else a bonus. Oh and only showing but no adultery. Great read.

like talking to a woman. Most of them take five to ten times longer than necessary to convey information. Got bored and jumped to the comments. Should I go back and read it? Felt like I was waiting in a TSA line.

I think he takes all the stuff she has and gives it to a divorce attorney. Is he really stupid enough to stay married to the bitch?

1 star

like her.

But good luck for trying.

Despite a few needed edits for spelling and grammar, I enjoyed the story. The journey is as important as the destination. Looking forward to Chapter 2, and hoping it ends well...

Terms rejected. Rules rejected. What I view is none of your business.

The husband slaps the wife and she then has tears in her eyes because she feels so loved? That is a misogynistic absurdity. The member name for the origin of this tripe should be WantABAbuser.

Enjoyed the story. It's unfortunate an editor wasn't used. There were so many misspells and incorrect words with sed that I had to reread a lot of sentences to figure out what the author was trying to say.