The Ghost of Red River Falls

"Well, if I look anything on the outside the way I feel on the inside, I'm sure you're probably right."

My mother stepped away from the stove to join us. "I've got a brisket in the oven. Are you hungry, Jack?"

"I'm always hungry for your food, Mom."

"I notice you've got a bit of a hitch in your giddy up," Dad said.

"Yeah, I had a rough day at work last week. Fell through the front porch of a house and sprained my ankle pretty bad."

"Oh, my God! You got hurt? Was it a fire?" My Mom had a tendency to overreact to little things.

"Well, yeah, it was a fire but I'm alright. Just a crappy old house and the porch was even crappier. It could've happened to anyone. Just a sprain, that's all. I'll be back to work in a few days."

"God, I hate your job sometimes, sweetie," she soothed.

"Really, Mom. It's no big deal. I'm fine."

"Well," my Dad interjected, "something is obviously not fine. You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders, son."

"I guess you could say that."

"Well, spill it. What's going on?"

I let out a sigh. "It's Wendy. Ever since the wedding and moving in together, we've been a million miles apart. Nothing seems to be working and my marriage is falling apart before it even begins."

"Uh-oh," my Dad said, getting up from his chair. "Looks like we're gonna need beer to deal with this." He went to the fridge and grabbed two Sam Adams Boston lagers. "You want one?" he said, gesturing to my mother. She shook her head. My mother hardly drank and never drank beer. But my Dad still always offered, never wanting to drink alone. Typical Irishman.

I took a pull off the heady ale, wondering why I still insisted on Bud heavy. I waited a few moments and then said, "I think Wendy and I might be separating."

"Jesus, Jack," my Dad spat. "You haven't even been married for two months! What the hell brought all of this on?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Aw, hell, Jack. You obviously didn't come over here to talk about the damned weather!"

"It's just that...well...I don't know, Dad. I can't help but feel like Wendy has never gotten over what happened to Kevin. And she is still really tight with the Parmellys. So much so, in fact, that she spends more time with them than she does me. Christ, she spends more time with them than she does her own family, even."

"But Jack," my Mom interrupted, "you can't just expect her to cut off all ties with them. They were a huge part of her life. And you can't just expect her to erase her life with Kevin, either."

"I don't expect her to, Mom. I just wish she would put as much of a priority on me and my family as she does the Parmellys. Hell, I wish she made her own family that much of a priority!"

"Does any of this have to do with Ed Parmelly?" Dad asked.

"It has A LOT to do with Ed. He has been nothing but super critical of me ever since Wendy and I started dating. I'd rather dig out my own kidney with a fork than have to spend time with him."

"Yeah, he was kind of a prick that day we were over at your house," Dad observed.

"That's another thing, too. The house doesn't even feel like mine. Wendy pretty much refused to let me bring any of my stuff in the house when we got married. I had to put it all in storage. Finally, I got so fed up with it that I brought some of my things over and made my man cave in the basement. Ed just about shit when he saw that. He was totally pissed that we put Kevin's recliner in a spare bedroom."

"But it's your house now, too, Jack. You've gotta put your foot down about some things."

"I know, Dad. But every time I do, it just seems to drive Wendy farther away. Like Mom said, I think Wendy sees it as me trying to drive a wedge between her and her previous life."

"I couldn't help but notice the wedding pictures," Mom said.

"Yeah, that's another thing. Wendy put up our wedding pictures but she still has all of her wedding pictures of her and Kevin on the wall. And she made sure that all of her and Kevin's pictures were placed higher on the wall than the ones of my and Wendy's wedding."

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything," Mom said.

"No, but it is still just really weird. I feel like I'm living in the shadow of Kevin's ghost all the time. I'm always second best and I can't seem to stay on Wendy's good side. I am NEVER going to be welcome around the Parmellys, and things just keep getting worse each and every day."

"Where is Wendy right now?" Dad asked. My pained silence was obvious. "Well?"

"She's on her way back from Hawaii right now."

"Hawaii??? What is she doing in Hawaii?" my Mom demanded.

"She took a last minute trip with the entire Parmelly clan. Supposedly, Ed's mother was supposed to go but couldn't because she had a pacemaker put in a week before the trip. Personally, I think it was a bullshit excuse to try and get Wendy to go along."

"And she went along without you?"

"Believe me, Dad. I tried to convince her not to go. But with everything else that had happened, she felt she needed to go so each of us could have some space to sort things out. At least, that's what she said anyway. Personally, I think she just wanted to relive the good old days with the Parmellys. I have no doubt that Ed and Joanne would probably love to see her get hooked up with their son, Nate. He's the only single kid they have left."

My Dad leaned in. "You said 'everything else that happened' just a minute ago. What else has happened since you got married, Jack?"

At that point, I started to break down in front of my own parents. As distasteful as it was, I started to spill my guts and tell them everything. The family picnic at the Parmellys where I was all but ignored, even by Wendy. I told them about her calling out Kevin's name during intimacy. And, yes, I even gave them the rundown on catching her reliving her sexual escapades with Kevin in our own bed.

Both of them were absolutely shocked and horrified when I told them that it appeared that Wendy had every intention of getting pregnant with Kevin's sperm as soon as she got back from Hawaii. It took me a good twenty minutes or so.

When I finished, my Dad just sat back in his chair and let out a long, slow whistle of disbelief. Mom just sat there, staring at the table in embarrassment and shock.

After several awkward moments of tense silence, my Mom finally spoke. "Jack, you know we will support you in whatever you decide to do. I truly, truly hope for your and Wendy's sake that it doesn't come to a divorce. But maybe what Wendy needs is understanding. Understanding from you that you know how tough it is to lose someone you love."

"Yeah, that brings up an interesting point," Dad added. "What did Wendy say when you told her about Connie?"

Suddenly, the little bit of confidence and courage I was gaining from opening up to my parents completely evaporated. I hadn't expected the conversation to take a turn like this.

"Well?" my Dad prodded.

"I...didn't...I mean, I...never told her."

My Dad leaned in with a look of utter horror on his face. "WHAT? You never told her about Connie???"

"Oh, Jack," my Mom said, tearing up. "Why would you hold that back from her, sweetheart?"

"I guess...I just didn't want her to think it would be an issue."

"Jesus, Jack," Dad spat. "How did you think it wouldn't be an issue?"

"I don't know, Dad! I just didn't want her to think I was dwelling on that part of my life!"

"You're thirty-five years old, Jack! You were twenty-two when it happened. You wanna talk about someone who was living in the past and couldn't let go of it, we could damned easy be talking about you!"

"I just didn't want Wendy to think I wasn't over it, Mom and Dad."

"You weren't over it, Jack. And I'm gonna tell you something. If you're going to lord this issue with Kevin over Wendy's head, you had better be ready for an absolute shit storm from her when she finds out you didn't tell her!"

The pain of my spiraling marriage to Wendy, combined with the renewed memories of Connie were the catalyst to the flood gates opening. I released a torrent of tears and sobbing the likes of which I hadn't done since Connie's funeral. Mom realized there was nothing she could do other than to come over and hug me and cry with me.

My Dad sighed, leaned forward and took my hand in his. "I know I don't tell you this enough, Jack. But I love the absolute shit out of you. You've got yourself a real mess here, son. I wish I had an answer on how to fix it. I don't. But I do know that you've gotta level with Wendy. You've gotta let her know how this is affecting you. And you gotta let her know about Connie, too. Then she'll know that you understand how it feels."

I spent the rest of the evening in the company of my parents. We talked some more about Wendy and me but spent most of the evening just spending time with each other. As I get older, I've come to realize that there are most likely fewer days ahead in this world for my parents than there are behind them. I realized that I just don't spend enough time with them and there will undoubtedly come a day when I come to deeply regret that. No matter what happened with me and Wendy in the long run, I was definitely going to change that.

As I got ready to leave my parents' house that night, it became painfully obvious to me that I was really in no shape to drive as my Dad and I had polished off the better part of three six-packs of the Sam Adams. Mom wasted no time in fixing up my old room and I relished how the feel of the bed I slept in growing up felt more comfortable than that of the finest five-star hotels. As I nestled in under an old quilt my grandmother made, I checked my phone one last time and saw that I missed several calls from Wendy. She was obviously back in Red River Falls. The last thing I got was a text saying:

"Back in town. Looking all over for you. Where are you???"

I simply typed back "Somewhere safe. Stop looking. I'll see you when I'm ready to see you."

*****

I got back to the campground the next morning and discovered that Wendy had obviously been there. There was a handwritten note taped to the door of my fifth-wheel.

Jack,

Please don't keep running from me. I had no idea you would take me being gone so hard. I thought it was best for us to clear our heads. Now I see that I was wrong. You didn't have to move out. I never wanted that! If you won't come home, then at least tell me where you are or some place we can meet to talk! Please don't shut me out! You have nothing to be sorry about!"

W

What??? Me sorry??? Jesus! She was becoming as self-centered and arrogant as Ed Parmelly. I tore the note off the trailer door and crumpled it up after I finished reading it. Damn! So much for staying out in the woods. She would probably guess that I moved back into my old apartment complex but she couldn't know just yet which apartment I had moved into. I didn't doubt that she would probably figure it out, sooner or later, just by following me. But, if I was lucky, I might still have another day or two by myself before we eventually had to meet.

I packed up my stuff from the camper after grabbing a quick shower and cleaning up first. I made a few phone calls to some friends who had gone through divorces and asked who the best divorce attorney in Red River Falls was. It was nearly unanimous that Danielle Nichols was absolutely ruthless and didn't play fair at all. She only cared about her clients and she cared about winning. And she did whatever was necessary for both.

I made a quick phone call to her law office at Brown, Graham, Norris, Slater and Nichols. She didn't have a lot of time to meet with me today but could at least pencil me in for a consultation that afternoon. I also had a doctor's appointment that day, in which I was cleared to return to work at the fire department. My next shift would be on Saturday, ironically, the day Wendy and the Parmellys were supposed to have returned from Hawaii.

I would love to just hide for two days, but I also knew that was impossible and wasn't practical. My Dad called me after my doctor's appointment and told me that Wendy had actually showed up at their place about a half-hour after I left. Luckily for me, I ended up taking a completely indirect way back to Red River Falls and missed her along the road to my parents' house.

My appointment with my attorney, Danielle Nichols, went fairly well. It was helped by the fact that I really didn't want or need anything from Wendy. I told Danielle that I didn't even really want to file for divorce; I just wanted the option at my disposal in case Wendy refused to pull her head out of her ass. The truth is, I wanted Wendy to divorce herself from the Parmellys but I knew the odds of that were pretty slim.

I decided to forgo heading back to the campground and decided to stay at my new apartment instead. Besides, I needed to start getting everything situated in there so I could get a little better settled in. I spent most of the later afternoon and evening doing exactly that. I had left my cell phone out in the truck and didn't remember it until about nine o'clock that night. I had been so busy that I completely forgot all about it. I took that as a good sign that maybe I was doing better emotionally and mentally than I thought, as though I could somehow make it through all of this if Wendy and I split up for good.

I quickly retrieved my phone, making sure there was no one watching me, which there wasn't. I made a mental note to try and quit acting so paranoid. After all, it was Wendy who was looking for me, not Al-Qaeda. In some ways, the sooner we could have our conversation, the better.

I got my wish as soon as I started checking text messages and voice mails. There were over sixty messages just since that morning, all begging me to come home and make sense of this. The voicemails started out contrite but quickly eroded to paranoia and Wendy freaking out, wondering if I had decided to go off and kill myself or something.

There wasn't much point in listening to all of the voice mails, since I knew they would all pretty much say the same thing. So I decided to call her and get it over with. She picked up on the first ring.

"Jack? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Oh, my god! Where are you? I looked for you at the campground and at your parents' place. They said they didn't know where you were."

"I know. I was pretty vague with them about where I'd be."

"Where are you? If you won't come home, then I'll come to you."

"Don't bother, Wendy. I'm not in the mood right now for a confrontation. I just called to tell you that I'm okay."

"Please, Jack! I need to see you! We need to get all of this straightened out! I didn't mean for it to seem like I was leaving you by going to Hawaii. I just wanted some time to sort all of this out!"

"How did you think avoiding me for 10 days less than two months into our marriage could possibly help solve anything?"

"I don't know, Jack. I guess I just needed the help and advice of people I trust, that's all."

"Jesus, Wendy," I said shaking my head. "The problem is right in front of you and you can't even see it."

"Jack, this is not about the Parmellys. It is about us. Sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that I had a life before you, Jack. You need to accept the fact that Kevin's family is still my family and they always will be. No one is making you live in Kevin's shadow, Jack."

Bullshit, I thought. "I accept that fact, Wendy. I knew full well how it was going to be when I made the decision that I wanted a relationship with you. But it has become very clear to me that Kevin's family doesn't accept me. Even still, that is only a small part of why our marriage is in serious trouble. And the fact that you would willingly leave me for ten days to spend a vacation in Hawaii with them tells me where your loyalty lies. And it isn't with your husband."

"God, Jack! You can be so frustrating, you know that? This isn't fair! You can't just expect me to forget about Kevin and my life with him! You can't possibly understand what it was like to lose Kevin and all of our hopes, dreams and ambitions! You can't imagine what it is like seeing the one you love die right before your eyes like that! You have no idea, Jack! Not until something like that happens to you can you really understand what I went through! The Parmellys understand, Jack! You couldn't possibly understand!"

Her words made me flinch like a gut punch. I could hear her crying in the background over the phone and my own tears started streaming down my cheeks.

"I understand much better than you think, Wendy," I said, trembling. "Much better." And then I hung up on her.

*****

Wendy tried calling me numerous times over the next hour or so but eventually realized it was futile and gave up after sending me a final text.

I'm not giving up on you, Jack! So don't give up on us, either! You just need to understand that my past is important to me. I can't pretend like it didn't happen. You can't understand what I went through but you should at least understand it will always be a part of who I am. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, Jack! I do! We still need to talk some more, so this conversation doesn't end here!

There didn't seem to be much point in even sending a reply. So I didn't bother and, instead, grabbed a Sam Adams from the fridge (my Dad got me hooked!) and vegged out in front of the TV for the rest of the night. I couldn't get over the arrogance Wendy was showing. She absolutely refused to acknowledge fucking herself silly on the bed while watching her and Kevin's homemade porno. And she had yet to even begin to acknowledge importing Kevin's sperm and planning a pregnancy with a dead man.

I got up early the next morning, which was Friday. It was my last day off work before heading back in for my first regular shift in over two weeks. I was looking forward to getting back to work and not being so much of a bum. But, of course, when I'm actually at work I am usually thinking about how nice it is to be away from work. Life is weird that way, I guess.

Danielle Nichols had some free time that morning to be able to see me. We sat down and she grabbed me a fresh cup of coffee, which I don't normally drink but didn't want to seem rude by not accepting.

"What do you think you want to do, Jack?" she asked.

"Well," I said, hesitating, "truth be told, I want to do something to wake her up. I guess I wanna do something that will make her realize that the relationship isn't one-sided. I wanna do something that will make her realize that I have some control and power over the relationship, too. She needs to understand that she can bail out on me with the Parmellys whenever she wants but, that doing so, is going to have some consequences."

"So, if I'm hearing you right, what you are saying is that you want to have her served with papers but you want to maintain the right to call it off before we get very far. Sound about right?"

"Yeah. I guess you kinda hit the nail on the head."

"It is pretty common, actually. Many spouses who are divorcing because of infidelity will file for divorce to try and snap the other spouse out of what they call 'the fog' of the affair. It's an effort to try and get the unfaithful spouse to understand that their actions will have dire consequences."

"Do most of them eventually get divorced?"

"Hmm. I'd say it's about 50/50, which is actually pretty good odds. For me and my husband, infidelity was a deal breaker."

"Wow!" I was shocked. Danielle Nichols was extremely hot, in a rip-your-heart-out-with-a-spoon kind of way. "No offense, but why the hell would he want to cheat on you?"