The Interview Project Pt. 01

D - (laughs) Yeah, yeah...but I told her and she called the cops and he denied it and the cops told me I was bad 'cause I lied to the adults. And that's why I don't trust cops. I told John. It's easier for me to talk about now. I was going through having the flashbacks of it right about the time I started finding Wicca. That's why I say Wicca is one of the best things to come into my life. It's helped me deal with it, more with the meditation and stuff like that. I used to have a violent streak. You say I do now, but you didn't see me when I was 15!

B - Well, talking about it and doing it are two different things.

D - Exactly! I used to do it. I would throw things, kick things, I've put holes in walls. Its 'cause I had an attitude and I don't like authority figures. I've never had a steady father figure in my life until my stepdad. He's a great guy. I call him "dad" and it's all good and dandy but when he first came in, he tried to impose rules on me. You know, I grew up for 11, 12 years without any rules. You're not gonna suddenly force them on me and then force me into church and stuff. It just doesn't work.

B - What about the concept of you being attracted only to older guys? Could this be you just looking for a father figure?

D - I don't think so. People have mentioned it 'cause my mom's been married four times. There's been people say it, especially about John, 'cause he's forty - something. To me, though, it's more of just looking for a friend thing. If it's someone I could talk to, like me and John, we talked all the time. And Tim, too, we actually talked.

B - If you did have a son or daughter, how would you talk to them about sex?

D - I'd tell 'em its completely natural. It's not something you should be ashamed of. I wasn't taught to be ashamed of it. It was completely ignored. My mom is very open about it now.

B - Well, naturally, after she caught you with your hand between your legs!

D - (laughs) She's more open about it now because she thinks I don't have any negative feelings about it. I almost guarantee you because of when I was younger...'cause that messes a lot of people up. A lot of people don't deal with it. They just push it away. I didn't deal with it all for a long time. When I was 14, I tried to kill myself. I mean, going through that kind of stuff...I was dealing with that, trying to figure out who I was, for one, dealing with becoming a woman...which was NOT going well. Dealing with abandonment issues because of realizing my birth mother and father didn't want me. What the Hell!? And then realizing that my adoptive father didn't want me either 'cause he left right after he adopted us. He started paying child support when we were 17, so its not like he's ever given a rat's ass about us! Same way with my birth father. He went to jail when I was 12. All these issues just came together all at once and I couldn't handle it. When I was 14, I had a nervous breakdown. That's why my mom worries about me so much. She's the one that found me when I tried to kill myself.

B - I'm sorry. Do you think that's why you're such a control freak now?

D - Yes, I'd almost guarantee it. I don't like to hurt. I don't know any rational human being that does. When I was a teen, I was almost raped. It didn't happen. The guy was older. He wanted to have sex and I had no intention of having sex with him. I was just getting past the stage where guys have cooties! It was in the same bedroom where I sleep now, which is kinda weird. He, like, pinned me down and proceeded to do whatever he wanted to do and the only thing that stopped him was my uncle woke up and went to the bathroom and I told him if he didn't get off me I would scream and my uncle would be in there. He's, like, "I thought you wanted to" and I'm "Obviously not, when I say NO!"

B - Its almost worse to be nearly raped than to be raped. It's still a violation.

D - It does some really freakin' mental shit to you!

B - How do you foresee your sexual future?

D - Not many more partners, I know that.

B - Are you looking to settle down, then?

D - I don't really want to get married and I don't want to have children, either but it's inevitable. I do think I will. I'm good with people, period, and I don't like to be by myself. I'm a chicken - shit when it comes to living on my own. I don't like the dark. I'm scared of the dark, 'cause I know what's out there. B - I see.

D - Hey, how long have we been here, anyway? I've really gotta pee!

B - We can go now. Thank you, Dani.

END part one