All Comments on 'The Leonids'

Great story - very erotic tos ay the very least.

I liked your descriptions, background, plot and the writing. Keep it up young sir, you've done well.

You need to work on details and sequencing. Seniors don't graduate with doctorates. Someone 27 might, but not a senior. If Mike is 39, I'm sure he doesn't have a 27 year old daughter. These kind of details are important and you probably should write in the past tense next time. Present tense does not flow well.

Wonderfully written, descriptive prose.....quite a story! Bravo!

But then, once you get to the sexual interaction it's just "Oh my, it's big, put it in me, I'm in a hurry". No playing first. No kissing. No admiring. No feeling each other. No rubbing. No breast play. No oral. No ass play. No SEXUAL buildup AT ALL.

The non-sex story was chock full of details and steps until resolution of the X-axis problem, but not the sex-story part. Spend as much time on the sex as the X-axis and it'll be better. Much better.

That all this constructive criticism comes anonymously. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it and will use it to improve my craft. This is my very first stab at erotica though, so I promise it WILL get better. Thanks for the tips...

... that some of us are too-casual a reader, or too techno-phobic, to actually sign up to this site.

At least you can be confident that your submission has the thought-provoking elements to elicit these responses.

Great job! Looking forward to future stories.