by Size13
... that some of us are too-casual a reader, or too techno-phobic, to actually sign up to this site.
At least you can be confident that your submission has the thought-provoking elements to elicit these responses.
That all this constructive criticism comes anonymously. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it and will use it to improve my craft. This is my very first stab at erotica though, so I promise it WILL get better. Thanks for the tips...
But then, once you get to the sexual interaction it's just "Oh my, it's big, put it in me, I'm in a hurry". No playing first. No kissing. No admiring. No feeling each other. No rubbing. No breast play. No oral. No ass play. No SEXUAL buildup AT ALL.
The non-sex story was chock full of details and steps until resolution of the X-axis problem, but not the sex-story part. Spend as much time on the sex as the X-axis and it'll be better. Much better.
You need to work on details and sequencing. Seniors don't graduate with doctorates. Someone 27 might, but not a senior. If Mike is 39, I'm sure he doesn't have a 27 year old daughter. These kind of details are important and you probably should write in the past tense next time. Present tense does not flow well.
I liked your descriptions, background, plot and the writing. Keep it up young sir, you've done well.