All Comments on 'The Neighbour: The Photo Shoot'

I like your characters, I like the situation and the way the erotic tension builds. BUT - you are badly in need of an editor. The very first word of the story is a problem - you start off in the third person - 'Miranda had lived next door...'. Suddenly in the second paragraph, it becomes a first person narrative - 'I guess I became a surrogate sister'.

You need to learn about run-on sentences. If you read your story through the eyes of your audience, you will find it difficult to read sentences with 5 or 6 commas in them. Many of your sentences should be broken up into 2 or even 3 sentences, or even have entire phrases eliminated.

One example I remembered:

'One weekend, her parents were going away for the week end, I was asked if I would look after her through out the week end, and enjoying Jules's company, offered her the spare bed which she immediately accepted.'

4 commas, and the phrase 'the weekend' used 3 times. An alternative might be:

'One weekend, Jules' parents were going away, and asked if I would look after her. Since I enjoy her company, I offered Jules the spare bed, and she immediately accepted.'

By breaking it up into 2 sentences, it becomes clearer and easier to read, while eliminating some redundancy.

Please keep wriing. It was a very good start, and I hope to see more of your work, and watch you grow as an author.

hey- why put down an author that have the command of the language? .. there are so many writers in here that doesen't know how to make a sentence with even one comma! You .. we should welcome one that actually know how to put sentences together, it's really a nice change!!

please keep up the good work!!

It's only HRH Tufnel, he can't finish his stories. But he loves to tell everyone how to write.

Mr. Tufnel,

Before you start criticising other people's sentences, you might take a look at your own. The first sentence of your comment is wrong! You need to learn about run-on sentences!

Title says it all really, i thought it was great.

As for the comment about the grammar? I had no trouble understanding what the author was saying.

Grammar is like the frame of a painting. If that's all you see, you're not looking.

Please re-read the last paragraph of the writer's submission:

'This is the first attempt of fiction, please let me have your comments, good or bad as long as they are constructive, so perhaps allowing me to improve.'

There was not one thing in my comments that was not constructive. The writer ASKED for help so she could improve. Feel free to show me one thing I posted that was mean spirited, inappropriate, or off topic. What's that? You can't find anything? Of course you can't - it's not there.

Perhaps a reading comprehension class is in order for some of you.

As for gutless anonymous, my story WAS completed - and part 2 was rejected by Literotica 4 times. Each time there was a vague reference to dialogue standards, each time I re-read the help essays, and each time I added or removed a comma.

This same thing happened on my 2 earlier submissions, and I am tired of it. Part 1 of the Beth story was also rejected 4 times. Meanwhile, every day I read stories on here that make me think the author is just learning English. I don't have the time or the patience to keep trying to meet a vague standard that others don't seen to be held to, so I decided

to stop submitting to this site. Does that mean I can't comment on other stories, especially when comments are asked for?

Finally, my first sentence in my original post was not a run on sentence. Take a grammar class, sport.

smallncute, as I said originally, it was a good first effort. I look forward to reading more of your work and watching you grow as an author. Hope that's not too harsh for the readers.

more

Such a good beginning and end. As one who is troubled by grammar and punctuation (english is my second language) I really appreciate a writer who can get the point across to everyone. Keep writing and let the grammar wizards read Shakespeare or Dante. JuLee

Thank you all for reading my story, my first piece of fiction. It was declared a little "hottie" within 24 hours, by far the quickest for me. Thank you.

Having put the story down for a few days, I can, now see some of my grammatical errors, and I thank you for those who have made constructive criticism. I do value your advice, but some one also suggested that an email might have been more appropriate? I am not sure. After all I did request feed back, so thank you for taking the time and effort to read, and post your thoughts, and corrections.

I also thank those who have defended my work against the fierce criticism. I agree with some of you, I have read some stories whose grammar is far worse than mine, as can be the plot of these stories, often written by sad males it seems. But there are also stories out there that are far better than mine will ever be.

However, there are times when I wish individuals would read the story for what it is; a piece of erotic fiction. Yes, if the grammar is that bad, it can make the story difficult to read. But also, some times A writer will develop a style which my not completely tally with grammar rules, but nor is it distracting.

I only wish that all those who read a story were to vote. It takes several seconds, but is a thank you. Also, those who leave anonymous feedback, especially if it is negative. If you feel strongly agaisnt negative feedback, then be brave enough to put your name, your print, your paw to your comments. In fact there are several essays on this in the essay section here at lit.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=132077

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=210252

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=211304

Again, thank you to all those who have made comments, either to make constructive criticism, or to support me in this fierce attack.

M.

As far as the G&P people relax it was a great story and I loved the beginning and the end.

Part2 should continue with nude photo's and increasing their relationship to the next level

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. I like how the story flows, as well as the character development.

I think too often character development and plot development is ignored in erotic short stories by some authors. I can definitely say this certainly isn't the case with her writing.

~Valerie

Any perceived technical shortcomings were more than overcome by the sensuous way this story was told. Every erotic detail drew me further into it and made me feel what the characters were feeling. The author obviously loves women and knows how to make love to them! It was a wonderfully warm and sensuous read.

Your story contained some character development, and had an erotic and emotional depth to it that most stories lack. Please keep writing stories for I have a feeling that you will be a good and popular writer with some expiance.

~Cromm Crauch

Miranda,

If you've read my othe comments, you know what I'm going to say. This was incredibly touching and erotic, and now that I re read it it may replace Christina's Seduction as my favorite. You have a beautiful and sensual mind; I love how you guide her and teach her, and how loving you are.

Julie

Truly superb Miranda. Plot and character development are excellent. Most importantly I was completely absorbed and immersed in the story. I was truly entertained and aroused not to mention a little envious of Jules.

I'm a typical male, I think about nothing but sex and like most of us, never get any, but that's only because I'm ugly, lol.

Your story was terrific, I loved it. I wish I were as capable of creating the visual images with words as you are.

Reading your story was as good as watching a movie of the event.

Don't take any notice of that poor deluded critic, he obviously has no life and doesn't get the fact that this is an erotic story site, not an english class.

To be honest, when I'm being turned on by a well written story like yours, I read so fast, I don't even notice the punctuation, lol.

Ignore the critics, please keep writing, think of all the ugly people like me out here who's only sexual enjoyment is someone elses ability to draw pictures with their words.

You do it beautifully and erotically. I have never seen so much feedback to any story I've ever read, so you obviously have something going for you.

Thank you

melsdad

this is a nice story... not about just sex, but about love and sexual feelings..

Love every word of it

Mary

I really enjoyed your story. I loved the slow build up the seduction, the fact that it caught both women by surprise. I loved the voyeur aspect of the photography, of something revealed in the lens that may be missed by the naked eye.

The writing was simple and lovely and evocative, as detailed as the close up photography. There was character development which makes this erotica rather than porn.

Well done

You are just amazing writer, the way you set the story and the rest, wow. Just wonderful.

Regards,

Rachna

So beautifully written, so erotic... a perfect example of the difference between just porn and real eroticism. wonderful!

a wonderful story, again I applaud your pacing in the story.

Miranda has that talent of bringing to life words and the capacity of making those words run alive in our visual minds!

Excellent and THIS is how erotica should be written.. taking the reader to the world of fantasy that belongs to the author!!

Hugs and kisses,

Kaity. :-)

wow...simply...wow.

~small but cute

thank you for such a beautiful story

crackling with heat

i think I need those ice cubes now.

So it's the usual advice - get an editor. Your ideas are great, it just needs some shaping. Some nice, constructive critique from a member that say says it all really. Thanks for a great effort that I hope you have learned from to do even better with the next ones...

A Coming of Age Story

This is 18 year old Jule's coming of age story from Miranda her mature neighbor who while looking after Jules engages her in a photo shoot in which Jules goes through each take losing an item of clothing until Jules ends up naked on the bed with Miranda.

The self - doubt is related from Miranda's perspective. Has Miranda gone to far with her charge? Jules seems to be avidly engaged at every stage.

It's a well-told tale.