All Comments on 'The Perfect Present'

The story's effect would have been so much greater if it were not for the long paragraphs! A general rule is 4 sentences or shorter, because the lines get smashed together in a smaller amount of space.

You had good descriptors, but consider changing the way you decribe things. For instance, where it says "the minute he walked in his mood was better," you could say "his mood instantly improved when he walked in". Also where it says "he promised, damn it" change the entire sentence to "the last thing he wanted to do was go out tonight after a long day at work-- damn it! he promised his girlfriend, so he couldn't back out."

I think this was a great start, and continue reading other's stories as well to get a sense of different writing styles and don't be afraid to experiment with your own. I recommend michchick98 as an editor-- very easy to work with.

Wonderful job! I really enjoyed this! Keep up the great work!