The Watcher

At this point the delivery driver caught sight of my face full on and dropped the parcel on my foot.

'Oh my god I'm so sorry missus, I was just kind of startled'

'You stupid oaf, watch what you're doing! You could have broken her foot, are you ok?'

OK, so this is about as bad as it gets for me. I've scared a grown man into dropping a box and now I've got someone else who doesn't even know me feeling that they have to stand up for me!

'I'm fine really; the box isn't heavy or delicate. I just need to get back inside, thank you.'

With that the delivery man fled up the garden and I turned back into the house.

'Please wait. It's Kate isn't it? Kate Walker?"

"Yes, how do you know my name?"

"Oh, I'm sorry I should have said. My name's Stephanie Powell and I work with Saving Face. Since I live in your area they asked me to get in contact to arrange a meeting with you."

"Oh that." I stated blandly and without a hint of enthusiasm.

"Listen, if now isn't a good time I'll just leave you my card and you can give me a call when it's convenient" and she took a card from her bag, handed it over and turned down the path.

'Wait! Please don't go, would you like a cup of tea or something? I don't get too much company and I'm a little out of practice at the social niceties.'

Steph sat in the kitchen looking out over the huge garden as I made the tea. She had her back to me which gave me the chance to study her more closely. She was taller than I'd realised -- maybe 5ft 9" and the jeans she wore today were tight, revealing slim, strong looking legs. Her hair has been blonde this week, but up close I can see that there are darker blonde streaks running through it, but the thing that captures me most is the perfectly clear blue of her stunning eyes.

She seemed to sense me watching her and turned to face me, smiling warmly.

'So what happened?' she asked without preamble. I'm not used to people being so candid about my face and it surprised me; I liked it though and so I recounted an abridged version of how Ray turned me into the deformed person I am today.

'Jesus Christ! What a fucking bastard! I hope they never let him out Kate'

'Me too, so what do you do exactly for Saving Face? What's your job role?'

'I've worked for them part time for about 5 years and mainly I make initial contact with prospective clients, tell them about the work we do, assess whether I think we can be of assistance in any way and if so get them assigned an appropriate programme worker.'

'Oh, so I wouldn't be dealing with you then?' I asked, hoping my disappointment wasn't too obvious.

'Maybe, it depends on the proposed action plan. Some people just need company -- which I can do. Some people need physio or massage -- I also do that as it's what I do when I'm not working for Saving Face, but a lot of people need counselling in order for them to come to terms with their disability or disfigurement and I'm not qualified for the psycho-babble stuff, I leave that to the experts'.

The way she talked in such a frank and open manner was an absolute breath of fresh air and I found myself opening up to her in a way that's most unlike me.

'What if people don't want help? What if they've found a way of coping and are happy with it? What if they don't want someone trying to force them out into the open?'

'Hey, that's cool! I'm not here to pressure you into anything; we're a charity not social services. If you're happy with your life then who am I to argue? I must ask though -- do you ever leave this house? I see you at your window almost every time I walk past.'

'Of course I leave the house!' I stated with vehemence but the good side of my face let me down and she looked at me with a look that said "yeah right!"

'Ok, I admit that I don't go out very often but I don't need to. I have a nice house, I work from home and I spend a lot of time in my garden; why does everyone think I should go outside of my comfort zone? You saw the reaction on that delivery guy's face -- it gets kind of wearing after a while you know.'

'Hey I only asked. You're obviously a very intelligent lady and I thought you might suffer from a lack of social stimulation, but if you say you're ok then that's fine. One thing I will say though -- people's reactions to you would change once they got used to your appearance; I'm betting it's generally embarrassment on their part rather than maliciousness am I right? And if they don't change then it's their problem not yours; you have as much right to the world as everyone else.'

'Oh I know all that, but I'm fine honestly.'

'So why do you spend so much time watching from your window?'

I started to respond but every answer seemed to fall short of a decent explanation. Why was I even humouring this woman? It really is none of her business how I choose to live my life, I should ask her to leave immediately, but then as I looked into those big, beautiful blue eyes, eyes that regarded me with compassion but no pity, I sat down heavily on a kitchen chair and sighed.

'Do you like strawberries?' I asked changing the subject quickly

'You know that the psycho-babble experts would call that classic avoidance behaviour?' she grinned at me.

Oh god her smile made my knees go week, for god's sake pull yourself together woman!

'So do you?'

'Yeah I do actually, they're probably my favourite summer fruit but most of the time they're bland and tasteless from the supermarkets'

'Come with me' and with that I jumped up from my chair and headed out through the open back door.

My fruit garden is at the far end of the garden and as we walked through the 2 acres of partly sculpted partly wild garden Steph's face was a picture of amazement.

'Do you look after all of this on your own? It's amazing -- I'm not sure I'd bother going out either!'

Oh, that smile again! I've seen it in my dreams and seeing it for real again conjures images from my nocturnal imagination that have no place in the daylight.

'There's a guy I can call on if it gets on top of me but mostly I do it all myself' I say proudly; my garden is a haven for me and I'm very pleased with the way it's turned out.

As we reach the strawberry bed we notice Copper stretched out in the sunshine on a wooden bench.

'Oh he's stunning!' cooed Steph as she walked over to my huge ginger moggy and tickled him behind his ears.

I stood watching in amazement as he rolled onto his back and waved his legs in the air, demanding that his tummy got tickled.

'Are you ok? You've got a very strange look on your face'.

'Which side?' I quip automatically causing Steph to look momentarily embarrassed. 'No I'm very happy that you and Copper get along, I'm just surprised. He's extremely friendly and loves a fuss, but usually I'm the only person he'll allow near his tummy; you must have a special way about you!'

We filled a trug with strawberries and returned to the house by a different route through the garden -- I was pleased to have someone new to show it off to. Maybe Steph was right, maybe I really was missing out by being so socially excluded. If only I could guarantee that everyone I met was as blasé about my looks as she was.

Steph had to go into the office so I sent her packing with a large container of fruit and a promise that if she popped in the next day after work we could talk some more about my situation.

Tuesday 30th June

I have been running around the house all day like a headless chicken! Steph won't be here until about 5.30pm but I leapt out of bed at 6am, cleaned the house from top to bottom, chased Copper around the garden until I finally managed to get a new flea collar on him, started a beef casserole slow cooking, had a bath and picked fresh veg -- all by lunchtime!

I've been trying to sit and write but I can't keep my mind on the plot and lets face it my detectives never face the great Moriarty so my plots aren't exactly convoluted!

It's no good; I have to keep active so I'm going for a long overdue workout in the garage!

The doorbell rings at 4.15pm and I'm actually so into my exercising that I curse at the interruption.

'Who is it?' I pant into the intercom, still breathless from the rowing machine.

'It's me, Steph. I'm sorry I'm early -- do you want me to go away and come back later?'

'No, come on in. I'm in the garage -- the door next to the stairs' and I pressed the entry button.

When she emerged into the garage I was back on the rowing machine, determined to finish what I'd started.

'Sorry, do you mind if I just finish? I've only got another 10 minutes and although I don't work out as often as I should I hate leaving things half done. Feel free to go through into the house and make yourself comfortable.'

'You carry on; Wow this is an amazing set up!'

Steph walked around the double garage stopping to check out the equipment it held: the free weights in the corner, the running machine, the stair master and all of the pieces of professional gym equipment for toning thighs, tummies, biceps, abs....

'It's a bit excessive isn't it?' I huffed as a rowed, I got a bit obsessed with fitness after I got out of hospital and couldn't face going to a gym, so as soon as I had the money I built my own.'

I stopped rowing and sat there panting, my faced flushed beetroot red.

As I stood up, my legs wobbly from the overdue exercise Steph was staring at my body openly. She looked me up and down in a way that made me legs even weaker.

'Well it obviously pays off because you've got an incredible body!'

I stammered a thank you while blushing violently. Suddenly I had to get out of my tight clingy work out clothes and into something less figure hugging.

'What do you drink?' I blurted out

'Huh?'

'Sorry, not very eloquent for a writer! There's a cold bottle of very nice Chablis in the fridge; how about you go and pull the cork and find some glasses while I go and grab a quick shower?'

'That sounds lovely, I wish all of my clients were like you, most of the time I don't even get offered a cup of tea!'

Steph had turned to walk into the kitchen so I don't think she saw the disappointment on my face. I was already starting to think of her as a friend so being called a client was a real blow.

I ran up the stairs and showered quickly. After throwing on some shorts and a T shirt I went back down stairs, towelling my hair as I walked into the kitchen. Steph had found the wine glasses in the cupboard and had poured two generous glasses and they looked deliciously cool and inviting as the condensation started to drip down the outside.

'That was quick' she said as I picked up my glass, and then as I turned to face her I saw a shadow cross her face.

'I'm sorry' she said as she stood up from her kitchen stool and came to stand directly in front of me, staring at my damaged face with pain evident in her eyes. 'I can see your face properly with your hair wet and away from your face, he really did a number on you didn't he?'

I dropped my eyes to the ground, not knowing how to reply.

'I didn't mean to hurt or embarrass you Kate; it's just that you're such an intelligent vibrant person it kills me that you've been forced to live such a secluded lifestyle. There must be so much that you miss?'

Her voice was cracking and I looked up into those deep blue pools and saw that there were tears forming. Suddenly I was filled with an anger that hadn't possessed me in years and I railed at my situation.

'I lie to myself daily. I convince myself that I need nothing and no-one, that my situation is fine, but you're right. I miss people -- not specific people but just normal interaction; I miss being able to go swimming or take holidays or browse the markets; I miss being able to go to the theatre or visit nice restaurants and I miss being in a relationship with someone who gives a damn about me!' I was almost shouting at the top of my voice and there were tears coursing down my face.

'Oh honey, come here' and Steph closed the short gap between us and enfolded me into a tight embrace while I sobbed into her shoulder, clinging onto her for dear life until I could cry no more.

'Oh god, I didn't mean to do that to you. Maybe you're right and I should leave you alone and not stir up this kind of feeling?'

'No!' I almost shouted into her ear as I disengaged from her arms 'actually I think I needed to get some of that out of my system. I'm a stubborn cow and I'm so determined to be so self-reliant I don't let anyone in -- I even lie to myself. For some reason you've managed to break through my defences and touch a nerve -- it's painful but I have to face it sometime right?'

Steph took hold of my chin and lifted my red puffy eyes to meet her beautiful deep blue eyes and said 'You are a genuinely nice person do you know that? I don't just think it's you that's missing out by you hiding away here -- I think you're depriving a lot of people who would truly enjoy your company from knowing you.' And with that she pecked me on the cheek (my melted cheek!) and sat up straight saying 'Now I know I'm changing the subject but what smells so good?'

'Oh -- I didn't know if you'd want to join me but I've cooked a beef casserole with home grown veg, would you like to stay for dinner?' I was still melting inside from her beautiful words and was almost praying she'd say yes.

'I don't want to put you out, but if you're sure it's ok I'd love to have dinner with you.'

I didn't know if she genuinely meant it or if it was all part of her job to befriend me but I figured I'd just enjoy it while I could and not second guess the situation too much.

We ate dinner and drank too much wine and talked for hours about everything but by face and my reclusiveness. Eventually Steph jumped up from the sofa having noticed the time and we headed for the front door.

'I had a really nice time tonight Kate, I'm sorry I upset you earlier.'

'Don't be, I think it's about time I started to really deal with my feelings rather than hiding away from them don't you?'

'Does that mean you won't be hiding behind the curtain in the morning? I've come to look forward to waving to you on my way to work.'

'No -- I'll be there tomorrow, count on it.' I grinned.

Impulsively I stepped forward and hugged her fiercely 'Thank you so much Steph, will you come again?'

'Actually I was going to ask a cheeky question. I was wondering if I could come and work out with you as I hate working out on my own.'

After she'd left I felt the loneliest I've felt for a long time but it was some consolation that I would see her twice a week for a workout!

Wednesday 1st July

Oh what a fabulous day! I've been floating on a cloud all morning and feel like the beautiful sunshine is beating down just for me. My heart feels lighter than I can ever remember before and I've been singing to myself all day.

I can't seem to get Steph out of my head. She gave me her mobile phone number and e-mail address yesterday but I've been resisting the urge to contact her in case she thinks I'm too clingy!

I'm also scared that she'll realise that my feelings for her are less platonic than they should be. I fell asleep last night with the memory of that wonderful hug she gave me and the kind words she used. She even kissed my damaged face -- I wonder if she knows how deeply that affected me? I don't think anyone has kissed that side of my face since the day it was hurt.

I must do some writing today or my editor will be on my back. I've been so distracted recently that the new romance I've promised him by the end of July isn't going to happen unless I pull my finger out.

Thursday 2nd July

I wrote so much yesterday afternoon and evening that I've almost caught up on my backlog. Once I started the words just seemed to flow and pour out of me as if I was possessed. If I manage the same pace today my deadline will be back in sight.

Sarah popped in early this morning after finishing a night shift on a stake out. She looked shattered the poor thing and I don't think she knew what to make of the new me; I was so lively and bouncy I'm sure she thought I was on drugs!

I ended up telling her about Steph and Saving Face and how I thought we were becoming friends, but leaving out the part about me having truly obscene thoughts about her that are confusing me and thrilling me in equal measure.

Sarah looked truly happy for me -- I know she worries about me being here all on my own and I know she feels guilty about not coming around more often.

Steph came around on her way home from work tonight so that we could work out. In all honesty I would've rather just sat and chatted but she was here to work out and I didn't want her to feel let down.

She went to the bathroom to change and when she emerged in the skimpiest pair of running shorts I've ever seen and a strappy vest top I had to look away quickly to stop myself staring. Oh my god she looked divine and the urge to run over and snog her face off was almost too much to cope with.

Fortunately Steph didn't notice and soon we were getting competitive and really pushing each other in a hard workout.

All was going fine until we started bench pressing weights and as I stood over her in case she needed to drop the weight bar I couldn't help but notice how her damp sweaty top was clinging to her breasts and that her bra-less nipples seemed to be straining against the flimsy material and fighting to get out. The bottom of the vest had risen up and I was transfixed by the sight of the smooth skin of her stomach and craving for the top to rise higher and higher.

I was brought out of my reverie but an 'OI!' and I realised that Steph was struggling to drop the bar into the cradle and had caught me staring at her. I grabbed the bar from her hands and stood there blushing madly as she stood up from the bench and turned to face me.

'Hey you' she puffed 'I could've sworn you were checking me out just then!'

Oh my god! I was mortified at being caught ogling her gorgeous body and wanted to run away and hide -- instead I just stared at the floor dumbly.

'What's the matter? Are you ok?' as she stepped over the bench toward me.

'I, er, I, yeah, yeah I'm good.' I looked up sheepishly to find her grinning from ear to ear.

'You were checking me out weren't you?' she exclaimed with very naughty smile on her face. 'Bloody hell girl, you really must be desperate for people contact if me in sweaty work out clothes floats your boat!'

'Oh please don't be mean. I didn't mean to, I mean I didn't realise, I'm really sorry and I promise never to do it again, please forgive me?'

'Forgive you for what? God I'm flattered that you found me worth looking at; I'm not angry or upset with you!'

I could feel the beginnings of tears well up in my eyes but before I could wipe them away Steph was standing before me, stooped over so that she could look up into my face as I stared lamely at the floor.

'Hey, what's the matter? Why are you so upset?' and she folded me into her arms in the most wonderful hug. She held me tight and her right hand came up to stroke my hair as she shushed my tears.

I was afraid to break the embrace; afraid of having to look into her eyes. She didn't seem to object to me looking at her, but there in itself lies the next problem -- was she just being nice because of her job, was she just pleased that someone found her body attractive, or could she feel that way about another woman? Even if she could, surely she was never going to entertain the thought of dating someone as monstrous looking as me!

She took the problem away from me by releasing me from her grip and stepping back to look into my face.

'I think you and I need to have a little chat, but first I need a shower.' And with that she pecked me lightly on the lips and headed for the bathroom.