There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 13

"Gordon, you are absolutely brilliant."

"I know."

"Go to bed before I spank you."

"What did I do wrong now?"

"It's 2:15 AM, you are supposed to be asleep."

"I'm just keeping you company until dad figures out which way the tape is supposed to go on Richard's diaper. It could take him another hour."

"Well, why don't you go in there and show him."

"What fun would that be. The diaper companies would not be able to declare a dividend, and my stocks would lose money."

"Young man if I have to get out of bed to show your father how to fix the diapers, you are going to be in big trouble."

"Mommy, it's 2:16 AM, I am supposed to be asleep. Good night."

"Gordon, you're getting a spanking in the morning!"

"Okay, but you're getting out of bed tonight."

"Wiseass!"

Jennifer walked into Richard's room, and there I was sitting in the rocking chair with my little boy in my arms. He was wide-awake.

"What is taking you so long?"

"Our son does not wish to go back to sleep. So I am rocking him, and watching him smile. He doesn't seem to be hungry, he just wants to look around."

"How many diapers did you waste?"

"None, I've got that down to a science now. Why, did you expect me to be unable to diaper my own son."

"You did have me worried for a while."

"You had me worried for a while with the coffee maker."

"That is not a coffee maker. That's a machine made in hell. 'Unplug before pouring water into the reservoir. Raise the reservoir cover before filling with water. Do not fill reservoir below this line, or above this line. Plug coffee maker in. Never turn the coffee maker on, while you are grinding your freshly roasted beans. Never grind your freshly roasted beans, while you are brewing your coffee. Always empty the used coffee grounds and the paper filter after they have cooled. Always place a new brown paper filter in the receptacle before returning receptacle to its proper place. Use 115/120 Volt Alternating Current only. Clean the bean grinder every thirty days with stainless steel cleaner. Rinse with distilled water only. Lubricate with a non-petroleum based product only. Clean excess lubricant with cotton ball. Remove excess cotton strands by hand. ENJOY YOUR FRESHLY BREWED CUP OF COFFEE!" Then in very small print it says, Made in Bangladesh.

You need a fucking Master's Degree to work the damn thing. "

Richard was unhappy with his mother's outburst and he began to cry.

"Now look what you've done. He was perfectly content, until you lost your temper over a little coffee machine."

"Little; that thing takes up half the counter."

"Jennifer, if you don't like it, give it to the church and get a smaller one."

"What, really, you wouldn't mind?"

"It was given to me by a Brazilian guy I met at a conference in Rio de Janeiro. He told me he had a problem with iron infiltrating his home drinking water coming from his well, even though he had a water filtration system. I asked him how long the run was from his house to the pump, and from the pump down to the water level. He told me, and I told him how to fix it with less than $300 cost. He told me it was impossible, because everyone else he asked said it would be $6000 to $7000 to repair the system. I told him to try it my way first. If it didn't work all he was out was $300. The coffee machine was my present."

"Even, you are crazy."

"I know."

"I just got that answer from another member of our family."

"I know."

"I should kill you both."

"How are we going to work with Rod tomorrow morning?"

"Let's do it Gordon's way. We will write up Rods termination letter, then go over to his house. We will tell him exactly what we discussed. You will tell him how we want it done and when we want it done by. When he laughs at us and says no, stand up, say thank you, hand him his termination letter, get Gordon, and leave. He will sit there reading the letter stunned. I would suspect we will be talking to him before we get to the car."

"I hope he's not shooting at us before we get to the car."

"Have a little faith in your wife Even, she waited a lot of years to meet you, and you waited more years to meet her. We are going to make beautiful music tomorrow, even though it's going to be Rod that's singing."

"He's going to kill me."

"It's for your daughter's happiness."

"My sister didn't tell me it was going to be this hard to make my daughter's dreams come true. She could have given me a magic wand or something."

"If everything was easy, there would be no fun in life."

"How would you know you weren't having fun if everything was easy?"

"Why are you always so negative."

"I thought what I said was positive."

***********

I don't believe I slept a wink for the rest of the night

I was out of bed, showered, shaved, and fully dressed, while my wife slept peacefully. Richard was fussing in his crib, so I took him downstairs with me. I put him in his automatic rocker. He fell asleep, while I made my coffee in the machine made in hell. Not even the grinder bothered him. I took out a legal pad and started writing a draft of Rod's termination letter. I had never done anything so hard in my life. Every word I wrote down was like putting a knife through my heart, even though I knew it was not for real. As I wrote the sentence, "your services are no longer required," I was crying like a baby. How could I possibly do this to my best friend. Not only my best friend, the only friend I had ever had. It would probably remain that way because of the way I worked. Would this fracture our friendship forever? Would he ever forgive me for doing this to him? I tried to put myself in his place, and I couldn't answer that question. I knew he would be fine financially, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was us; and how we would be after today. Now I knew why married life could be so hard. Sometimes you had to choose between your family, and your friends, and it's a bitch.

Jennifer whispered in my ear, "Even everything is going to be fine. You will still be friends this evening. I promise, stop thinking about it."

"I can't think about anything else Jen. I don't know what I'd do without him."

"Rosalynn and I will tie him up and make him listen to logic. Once he's listened he will be fine; trust me."

"This is probably why my sister didn't say my dreams were going to come true. Rods going to kill me today."

"Doctor Even Luck, you stop this nonsense this instant. Everything is going to be fine today. If it's not, I'll give you a blowjob in the median of Interstate 70."

"Can I bring my moving camera?"

"You can call all three new stations if you'd like."

"This could get interesting."

"It's 8 o'clock, call Roz and tell her will be there by 9:30AM. We have something important we need done by Rod today. He had better be ready to work his ass off."

"You call her."

"Even pick up the god damn phone now!"

"Yes dear.

***************

"You want me to do what?"

"Don't go brain-dead on me now Rod, it's all very simple: Pick up a marriage certificate. Fill out the entire form with both their names on it. Fill out the witnesses with Jennifer and my name on it and we will sign it. You will come to the hospital tomorrow to wish her a happy birthday and tell her she has to sign this form and so does he. Joke with them saying, "Are you sure you want to marry Grayson Thyme? Ask him if he wants to marry Delicious Luck. Have the papers already notarized; say congratulations Mister and Mrs. Grayson Thyme, hand me the papers and run like hell."

"Even, you have finally done it. You have finally gone over to the dark side. I am going to have you committed to an asylum for the next 50 years. You are deranged. I won't do it. It's illegal, it's immoral. You can't trick people into getting married. They will hate me and they will hate you for the rest of our lives. I will lose my license. I like being a lawyer."

"They can always get it annulled if they don't consummate their marriage."

"They can sue us into oblivion. They can take my license and my balls."

"I need an answer right now Rod; I need all of this done today."

"I'm sorry Even I won't do it; I just won't do it."

"I'm sorry too Rod. Jennifer get Gordon please, we're leaving. Rod, here is a notice of Termination of Services. You are no longer my attorney."

"What did you say?"

"In that envelope is your notice of Termination of Employment. My new lawyer will call you for the transfer of my documents and financial accounts. I'm sorry it came to this, but I needed everything done today, and you refused me. A true friend would not have done that to me knowing that my daughter's future is at stake."

"Even..."

"We are ready to go Even. Goodbye Roz, I hope our children can still play together."

"Of course they can. I'll see you out."

"Put Gordon in his car seat Even, I want to speak to Roz for a second."

"Okay."

"Roz, how long before it breaks?"

"If he doesn't throw himself under the wheels of your car to stop you from leaving; your phone will be ringing when you get home. Where do the women in your home come up with these evil ideas. Between you and Delicious, I'm surprised my husband is still sane."

"You will never get pregnant again."

"Yes, and that was with three hours on an airplane. Can you imagine what she would have done to him on a 17 hour trip to New Zealand?"

"He would've been a Catholic priest who practiced Zen Buddhism."

"Don't make me laugh, I'm supposed to be very disheartened, because my husband just lost a very lucrative job."

"Should I have Gordon jump on your foot to make you cry?"

"No thank you, I'll manage. I'll see you tomorrow, 10 AM, at the hospital. I'll send flowers."

"That will be a nice touch."

After Jen put Richard in the baby carrier, I started the car and asked her what she and Roz talked about.

"I told Roz that this was the hardest decision you ever had to make. It was a choice between your best friend and your daughter. You had to choose your daughter because of the situation she finds herself in.. I told her to keep an eye on Rod and make sure he did not do anything foolish. You would be devastated if he did."

"That was a very nice speech. Now what did you and Roz talk about?"

"You don't believe me?"

"Not one word."

"I'm insulted."

"You could be barbecued, braised, baked, or broiled, I don't care; what did you and Roz talk about."

"I asked her how long it took to cook a turkey."

"And her answer was?"

"By the time we get home."

"She was in on this?"

"Yes."

"You didn't bother to tell me that fact did you."

"No, I needed you to act appropriately, which you did."

"Gordon, what happens to people that lie?"

"They get a spanking dad."

"I just caught your mother in a very big lie. She is going to get a very big spanking when Richard goes to sleep. You may have to cover your ears, because she is going to be screaming."

"If it's okay with you dad, I'd rather listen."

"Why is that Gordon?"

"At 2:16 AM she threatened to spank me because I wasn't asleep. She also threatened to spank me, because I wouldn't go into Richard's room to see if you were messing up the tapes on the diapers again. I couldn't be in two places at one time so I went to bed."

"That was an excellent choice Gordon. I would have done the same thing, because Richard was not crying."

"Our next child better be a girl Even. I'm surrounded by men and they are picking on me."

********

We walked into the house, but the phone was not ringing. I took Richard into the den and lay him into his day crib for a nap. Montgomarie took Gordon down to the lab so he could play on Sequoia 2. He had found another planet he was interested in; Kepler 298D. It was only 11.9 light years away and it showed every sign of habitability. However there wasn't much information available on it. He sent requests to several research institutions to see if they were studying this exoplanet in depth, but so far none had responded to his requests.

After 15 minutes of staring at the damn telephone I couldn't take it anymore. I went down to the lab and started to work. After a while, my mind went on automatic, and I functioned like a robot. Task after task was completed, and I moved on to the next experiment. I was so engrossed in my work I did not know how many hours had passed by, or the time of day. I didn't hear Jen call me. She came down to the lab and touched me on my shoulder. I nearly jumped through the ceiling.

"I'm sorry I startled you darling, but Rod is here."

I followed her up the stairs expecting to see a pile of boxes containing all my files, but there were none. He was sitting at the table, with a glass of ice water, nervously twirling it in his hand.

"Hello Rod, what can I do for you?"

"I want my job back. I'll take a cut in pay I'll do whatever you ask, but I don't think I could survive without your friendship."

"You could never lose my friendship. I wanted to kill someone when they brought up this harebrained scheme, but I didn't want to go to prison for the remainder of my life. If that person ever comes between us again that person and I are going to have a very long talk aren't we?"

"Yes dear."

"Have you been brought up to date as to the happenings between my daughter and Gray?"

"Yes, Roz told me what happened yesterday. I went to City Hall and got all the paperwork taken care of. I had copies made of everything. If I can get them to sign two or three of them, you can keep one original, they can keep another, and the third can go to the church for that wedding."

"Will you be able to be bright and bubbly tomorrow in the hospital?"

"I will give it that good old college try."

"You said you would take a pay cut. How much do I pay you?"

"$2.5 million a year."

"If you are not bubbly tomorrow it goes down to $1.5 million a year. If you are bright and bubbly, as I expect you will be, it will go up to $5 million a year."

"$5 million!"

"Did I stutter Jennifer?"

"No Even, $5 million came out loud and clear."

"I wonder how he would react if I would say $10 million."

"I think he would do to you what I said I would do to you on Interstate 70."

"With the news trucks and all?"

"I think he would even call in cable and satellite."

"What are you two talking about?"

"I told my darling husband everything would be fine today. I told him if it wasn't I would give him a blowjob in the median of Interstate 70. When he said I wonder what you would do if he offered you $10 million a year, I said you would do to him what I offered to do to him in the middle of the highway."

"Jen, we are not that friendly. I admit I might think about it, I might think about it a lot, but we are not that friendly."

"So you're going to be able to be funny tomorrow?"

"I will have no trouble being funny at all."

"I'm very happy for both of you. You two should have married when you were five."

"Divine wouldn't let us. She didn't like me."

************

We arrived at the hospital at 10:30A.M. Jennifer and Gordon went straight to the room, while I went to the nurse's station. I said to the discharge nurse, "I need your help desperately. I need to slip this piece of paper into the discharge papers and have both of them sign their names on the dotted line. Could you do that for me?"

"What is it?"

"Nothing important, just a marriage license."

"Are you out of your mind? I could get fired."

"I'll buy you the hospital."

"Could I have the cash instead?"

"You can have it any way you want it, just get them to sign on the dotted line. I want my daughter to be happy. The only way those two are ever going to be happy is when they're married. You've never seen two people more terrified of being apart than those two."

"It will cost you a dollar."

"I'll give you $1000."

"$1000 will make me feel cheap. Just one dollar please. Do you need anything else?"

"It would be nice if we could do this in the chapel."

"I think we can arrange that. Give me a few minutes."

"Thank you, we will be in with my daughter."

**********

"Good morning you two; you looked very rested. Who sent you the nice flowers?"

"Your attorney sent them, with a wonderful note about me sucking my thumb. Someone almost swallowed my fist."

"Are we fighting already this morning? Is the wedding off again?"

"The wedding is still on, as of now."

"Young woman, people are going to be getting on airplanes in 10 days. It would be polite to let them know earlier than that if there is going to be a wedding or not. Is there or is there not going to be a wedding?"

"Yes dad there's going to be a wedding."

"Jennifer call the hotel and cancel everything. With an attitude like that they may not last six months. There is no sense in them getting married."

"Gray you take care of your side of the family, give them my apologies. She's becoming too much of a brat for me to handle."

"Dad, we are going to get married."

"Why are you getting married?"

"Because I love him, and he drives me crazy."

"Why are you getting married Doctor Thyme?"

"Because I am crazy, and I love her."

Jennifer held my arm close to her chest and said, "I like his answer better than hers."

Delicious said, "I told you yesterday Jennifer, I don't like you."

"Remember that word you said yesterday, I'm not finished with you yet missy. I have two weeks to go. I'm going to have a ball; as a matter of fact last night I held two of them."

"Dear stop talking like that in front of the children."

The nurse walked in with the discharge papers and started reading them to Delicious. Page after page she had her sign where she pointed, and I kept talking to distract her. It went like clockwork.

The nurse came to me and said, "You are taking your home right?"

I looked at Delicious and Gray and said, "What are your living arrangements? Is she coming home with me, or is she living with you?"

They stared at each other for a moment until Gray said, "She's living with me."

The nurse walked over to him and read him the same litany of instructions. She had him sign each page next to her signature, and again my mouth was moving a mile a minute, drowning out the sounds of her words. As the nurse walked past me she smiled.

Whether they knew it or not they were married. Only the 'words' remained to be said.

Rod was at the nurse's station, where he notarized the license, had 10 copies made and put them in his briefcase.

The subterfuge continued.

An aide came into the room and told us to leave while she assisted Delicious in washing and getting dressed. While she was doing this she was explaining to her about this delightful elderly couple, who would be celebrating their 80^th wedding anniversary today in the chapel. They would never leave the hospital because they were both so ill. The hospital was looking for volunteers, who could give 10 or 15 minutes of their time, to help photographers set up the lighting, and their cameras. The couple would be sitting in wheelchairs, instead of standing, and they were going to have a problem with shadows. The hospital staff was so busy they couldn't spare anyone.

Delicious said she and her family would be willing to help for a short time.

The aide was exuberant. "Really, could you really help us? That would be phenomenal. Could you meet us in the chapel in 20 minutes, I'll call everyone else that has to be there."