All Comments on 'Tom's Sweet Homecoming'

So beautiful....thank you. More please.

back rainbow. ur tahing up space

This would make a nice series

Excellent story line, well written and erotically short to the point!

BRAVO!

If he really loved and respected her that much then, in my subjective view, I doubt very much that they would have gone straight from confession to copulation that quickly. I'm not going to say it doesn't happen in real life, but from where I'm sitting it sounds a little improbable. Well-written, though - I certainly didn't notice any of the spelling or grammar howlers which spoil many an otherwise enjoyable tale on this site. I would be inclined to pull this and re-write somewhat. Slow the pace down, then re-submit it either as a longer story or an ongoing series. Of course, it's your damn story and you can do what you want with it! If I ever get round to finishing any of the hundred-and-one stories I'm working on and get them submitted, I'll be able to show you how I'm thinking...

Build build build then a two paragraph ending. Another writer who fucks up endings.

Why bother writing their story if you cannot take it to its conclusion???????

This was very good, then SNAP, over. WTF???

Readers don't want a taste don't we want the whole enchilada. What your story did was tantalize us. We savored the flavor then when we went back for more an empty plate. The wonderful taste became bitter.

Please finish!!!

Very well written and very hot!! Your story your ending it worked for me. Thanks for sharing.

Sweet and entirely too short - I would have loved for the story to have run a bit longer - hopefully a series will develop. Thank you for sharing...

It was great but you need to proof read. Organized is spelled with a z not an s.

To Anonymous.

As the author is from the UK, organised is most certainly spelt with an s.

I enjoyed your story but there are a few things that are lacking.

Firstly, there is little evidence of character development and description. When I started reading the story, I thought that the characters were in high school - this assumption was based on your choice of diction and your sentence construction. As the story progressed, I thought "Okay, maybe they're in college..." - and then, all of a sudden, Tom talks about his fear of Sara getting married! What? MARRIAGE? You may or may not understand my confusion, but my point is that there needs to be clarity on the characters' age. Certain characteristics and behaviours are associated with characters of certain ages so it's important that you specify the age range so that the reader can associate the events in the story with the ages of the characters. Don't forget that with certain ages comes a certain amount of history, experience and maturity which may help the reader understand the context.

Secondly, there is poor association of characters. For example, who is Dan? We know that he grabs Sara and that she's angry with him, but why? A brief (and more specific) history would help.

Lastly, there is no clear exposition of the situation; we just jump from one place to another and characters suddenly appear, and this makes everything seem disjointed. For example, on the balcony. Okay Dan grabs Sara, and then all of a sudden Carrie is there and she starts saying all sorts of things to Dan, and then suddenly Tom is also there - but then where does Carrie go?? Furthermore, I still don't know what Dan did to Sara that's got her all wound up, and okay, fine, you want to save all the juicy details about Tom for later... but I'm still waiting... Tom is central to your plot so focus on him and his history with Sara. And I'm assuming that he joined the army, but I can't be sure because it's not clarified in the story.

I really, really love the plot but I think your story is a little rushed. Focus on the details; that's what makes a juicy story! Spend time developing your characters because they are all important to the story. You don't have to write a biography on all of them but we at least need a brief overview of characters such as Dan. He's a small character but he's obviously had a profound impact on Sara so tell us about him. It's all about detail!

Don't be afraid to write more than a page. If you want a story that is a page long then you have to get rid of some of the events and characters because they become irrelevant. For an extremely short story, you have to focus on the main characters so that you have detail, character development AND an exposition of the situation - that is hard to do when you have a lot of characters. However, it seems that you want to write a story that is intricate and full of history. You focus a lot on how the characters' history has shaped the present so you have to make your story longer so that you can focus on some of that detail.

Keep the plot, just extend the story. And don't make Tom and Sara have sex so soon - you are undermining their connection and their relationship. The sex is not the story.