Transformation Ch. 02

"Oh! Jimmy, I love you, I really do, I have learned my lesson. No thrill or sex is worth what I went through. I all most killed you. I wanted to die of shame. I felt so dirty. He knew just what to say and how to touch me so I couldn't think right. I learned a pretty exterior doesn't mean a nice interior. I learned sweet words don't make a man."

"Yeah, that's right, sometimes they make a girl though."

She stared at me then she hit me again, real hard.

She giggled, "It always works for you. But you mean what you say. That's why it will always work for you."

"Baby, I can not begin to tell you how much I love and need you. I realize after a lot of thought, that you never had any experience with boys your own age. You never had all the experiences with boys other girls go through. You never had close girl friends you could confide in and share experiences with. You were, and still are pretty sexually naïve. God, I pray you don't want to experiment any more. I am not up to it. I think your step-dad had the right idea. I'll just keep you a prisoner and never let you out of my sight."

"Mmmmm, sounds like fun."

"I need to tell you that I still have a bunch of problems to work out yet before things will be back to normal."

"Like what."

"When ever I close my eyes I see you and Don together, Your breasts hanging out, your lipstick all smeared, his huge cock hanging out, your lipstick on it."

"That last never happened! I never kissed his penis, never!"

"I believe you, but that is what I see when I close my eyes. Sometimes I see you fucking him. I never actually saw that either, but my mind conjures it up. Like I said, I have problems to work on. I still don't trust you. I'm sorry, I want to. But it is not there, not yet."

She took my face in her little hands, "Oh! Jimmy, what did I do to us? I am so ashamed. I still dream of your face when you burst through that door. You looked like you had been kicked in the belly, then your eyes blazed with cold fury. I knew you would kill us both. I was ready to die. I knew I deserved it. I have nightmares too! But actually, his cock is not near as large as yours."

"You found that out? I don't think size matters as much as other things."

"Sweetie, Bridget told me you are bigger. She says you are the best kisser she ever had. She said two kisses from you and her panties were soaked. She also told me I was crazy to even compare Don with you. She said for me to please let her know if you were available."

"Susie, dearest girl, I would not be here if I thought we couldn't work this out. I would crawl off somewhere and die I guess."

She softly pressed her lips to mine. "Yes, I know we can make it work. I don't ever want to go back to work though. I want to spend all my time with you and our babies. Life is too short to waste on anything but being with you."

I hugged her. "I have to call Savanna and tell her she can sleep now." She looked up at me. "You always do the right thing. I love you for it, I need to talk to her too! Girl talk."

"Before you call I need to tell you your step father is in a hospice on the coast. He is dieing."

"I have to go see him."

"I saw him yesterday, he knew who I was. He asked after you. I think he loved you in his own way."

"Please, let's go right now. Sigrid can watch the girls."

"No take them with us. I think he would like to see them."

"You are right. I'll get them ready."

I took her to see the old man, he was not doing well. Susie was allowed to bring the girls in for five minutes. She kissed him goodbye and she cried most of the way home.

We stopped at a Chucky Cheese on the way home, the girls loved it.

Susie and I sat in the den after dinner and the girls were asleep. She called Savanna and I talked to her for a while. Susie took the phone and walked off talking with Savanna. I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up and couldn't find Susie. I looked all over the house. I went to check the front door and I heard her voice. I listened carefully, I heard "yes, I did enjoy lunch the other day but I am married and I can't get out at night." There was a pause. "I don't know, I had better not meet you. Well let me think about it, OK" A pause. "I'll call you in a couple of days. Bye Bye."

I turned slowly and went back to the den. I poured myself a double shot of 120 proof Captain Morgan Special Spirits Rum. It hit my belly like a hard fist. I sat and put my face in my hands. I heard the front door click shut. Susie walked in the den. "Did you lock the front door?"

"Yes I did."

"Who were you talking to that you had to go outside? I thought we were not going to have secrets from each other."

"I was talking to Tommy, a guy I met the other day."

"Thanks for being honest about it. Why did you have to sneak off to talk to him? What did you have to say I couldn't hear?"

"I don't know. He asked me to go dancing and I told him I am married and I couldn't go."

"You knew you are married when you took his phone number."

"I know."

"Do you want to go out with him?"

"No, I can't do that. I'm married."

"That is not what I asked you, do you want to go out with him?"

"I don't know, it might be fun, but I can't, so why even think about it?"

"Why take his number?"

"I don't know."

"Susie, I think you need to sit yourself down and think about what you want in life. Do you want to be married? To me? To be saddled with two kids. Do you want to be free to go as you please and not have any responsibilities? Think about it. Sleep with the girls while you make up your mind."

"Wait, Jimmy, I need your kiss."

"I'm not sure about that, not at all. I think you do fine without it."

I went to bed for a sleepless night.

She was furious with me in the morning. "Why are you treating me this way. You know I can't sleep when you do that. I haven't done anything wrong. Why punish me?"

"I never said you did anything wrong. I don't know if you did. I really think you want to do something I won't like. I am beginning to believe you can't help it. I think you need to go see a shrink. You seem to be fighting desires and needs that are not healthy. Let me take you to see some one."

"What, you think I'm nuts?"

"No not nuts, just mixed up and confused about what you want. If it were just the two of us I might just say go do what you want, just come back to me. I can't do that. It is something you have to chose and to be aware of the consequences of your actions if you make the wrong choice."

"Who are you to tell me what is right or wrong?"

"Susie, if you ask that question I know you are sick."

"I don't understand."

"OK, Here it is in plain language. If you go out and get fucked, whether you wanted it or not you can not come home and be a mother to the girls and a wife to me."

"I do not intend to do anything wrong, I just want to have some fun."

"With other guys, right?"

"I don't want sex. I want to dance and laugh and have fun."

"Well, let me see if you want to abide by my rules. First, You may never lie to me about anything you do. Second, if you have sex or exchange body fluids with anyone you will come home and tell me right away what happened. You will not touch the girls or fix their food. You will sleep in the spare bedroom. You will wear sterile latex gloves when you touch them or prepare food. After two days you will go to our doctor and have tests for sexually transmitted diseases. If you test positive you will leave this house and never even attempt to return. If the test is negative you will sleep in the spare room and continue as before, wearing the gloves and all for thirty more days. You will then go have another set of tests. If you test positive, you will not return home, if you are clean you can come home."

She stared at me. "Why?"

"Because you do not seem to have any regard for your babies or me. If you get aids and give it to them they will die a horrible death at an early age. If you give it to me they will become orphans. I have to think of them. You don't seem to care."

"That's not true, I love them, I'm their mother."

"Then act like it for Christ Sakes."

She grabbed her purse and stormed out the door. I heard her Jeep start and speed off.

Damn, did I drive her off? What else could I do? I needed to talk to someone. I called Jason and told him what had happened. He said, "Jim, you may have been a little hard on her. I just can't believe she would do anything wrong."

"Jason, you know how I feel about Susie, she seems to have a compulsion to see other men. I don't think she is sexually attracted to them initially. I believe her when she says she just wants to laugh, dance and have fun. I know she never had that growing up. I'm just not a fun guy I guess. I think she still loves me. Maybe like a father or brother. I just don't know. Let me let you go, thanks for listening to my sob story."

"Jim, I wish I could help you right now, I do have an idea but I need to consult some people."

I sat up that night praying Susie would come home. At three twenty five the phone rang. It was the police. I was told that Susie have been found unconscious laying on a street. They said she appeared to have been badly beaten and possibly gang raped. She had been transported to the hospital. I called Sigrid who came right over to stay with the girls and I rushed to the Emergency room. I wasn't allowed to see her. I talked to a very nice young lady doctor. She said that Susie appeared to have no life threatening injuries. The doctor said she had a broken nose, and cut lips and a torn ear. She had probably been hit in the face more than once. Her body was covered with bruises. Especially her chest and breasts. One nipple had been badly bitten. The doctor was in tears as she described Susie. She said she had been raped by multiple persons and was literally covered with and full of sperm. I cried too! My poor girl didn't deserve this. I called Jason and he and Savanna were both there in a few minutes. Jason was allowed to see her. Savanna was like a rock. I cried on her shoulder.

It was a long time before Jason came back. He looked grim.

He said , "Jim, don't blame yourself for this. And don't be too hard on Susie, they found Rohypnol in her blood."

"What is that?"

"It is a 'date rape' drug. She probably won't remember any of what happened to her. Evidently some real nasty people got hold of her. They have identified over twenty different DNA samples in the sperm so far."

I had to sit down. "Jim, we had a fuss just before she went out. I told her she could get in situations where she could get raped. Why did I let her go?"

"From what you told me, you couldn't have stopped her."

"I have to get help for her. This compulsive behavior has to stop. Now."

"I have some people I want to send to talk to her when she is awake. They are very good."

"Get the very best, I don't care about the cost."

Savanna stayed with me while Jason went to his office about a block away. He said he would be back as soon as he could get some one to cover for him. He said he wanted to she her x-rays. He told the staff he would repair her nose and her ear and other damage."

They finally let me see her. She was still sedated and she looked like hell. Her poor face was black and blue, the bandage on her nose didn't hide the fact that it was off to one side. She had a bandage on her ear. I bent over her and gently kissed her forehead. I heard her softly say, "Thank you Jimmy, now I can sleep." I cried like a baby.

Jason talked to me, he said the x-rays showed the only thing broken was her nose. He left to work on her. Jason told me he had fixed everything he could find. I was allowed to see her again afterward.

I sat for hours holding her hand. I thought I saw her look at me several times. I put her hand down and stood up to stretch my legs. I heard her say something. I leaned over and called her name. Her eyes fluttered. She whispered, "Please don't leave me, I love you. I didn't want it, I fought them as hard as I could. Please believe me, don't make me go away."

"I won't leave you and you don't have to go, ever."

She sighed and she went to sleep. Sometimes I really hate myself.

A police detective sergeant introduced himself to me. He said they had four men in custody after two of them went to a doctor for treatment of bites. They were going to make impressions of Susie's teeth for comparison. They were sure from the stories the men told that they had some of the right men. One of those in custody was the bartender at a night club. He admitted putting a dose of Rohypnol in her drink. The dose he used was low because the effects of the drug were multiplied by alcohol. Susie hated alcohol and always had the bartenders make her a non-alcoholic drink.

The detective said she was able to fight and hurt some of her attackers before she was knocked unconscious. He said the men they had in custody were talking freely and they had about ten more names.

He asked how I felt and how I thought she would feel about testifying in court. I told him I would hate for her to have to admit to being gang raped in court before the world. I also said she would probable want to do it. I told him she was a very tough lady and would do the right thing. She would be a terrific witness because she never forgot anything she saw.

The cop grinned. "You think she could identify some of these guys?"

"If she got a good look at them she could identify them ten years later, she never forgets a face."

"Is she the same girl who used to do the news show on TV?"

"Yes it is."

"Damn! Everybody loved her."

When Susie was permitted to go home the girls cried every time they looked at her swollen and bandaged face. She hugged and cried with them. Every time she would look at me she would cry.

Jason gave me the names of several Shrinks, one he recommended very highly. I called and got an appointment for Susie to see that one. A week later we went the meet her. She was a very pretty older lady. Susie wanted me to stay with her during the sessions. I asked Dr. Sloan if she thought that was a good idea. She agreed with me, there were things I did not need to hear. She thought Susie would feel freer talking about her feelings if I were not there. I waited in the waiting room. Susie was there an hour and hugged me when she came out. "I feel better already! She gave me a prescription for an antidepressant. She said it should help a lot. She said she has had very good luck with what she calls sexually obsessive behavior. She thinks she can cure me."

"Hey, that is wonderful."

"She also say that I was lucky to have such an intelligent and understanding husband who would stand by me no matter what. She is right. I just hope and pray I didn't kill the love you had for me."

"That could never happen, I will always love you. I will always want you near me. I hope it will get easier on us though! This has been hard on both of us."

"Jimmy, I lay in the hospital and thought of nothing but how what happened had to hurt you. I thought about how I would feel if it had happened to you because you didn't listen to me. I thought about all I have done to hurt the most wonderful man and husband any girl could ever have. I still see the look on your face when you broke in my office. I see it as clear as if it were happening just now. I want to die when I see the anguish in you face. I saw it again when you sat with me in the hospital. Good God, what have I put you through?"

"Baby when I married you I was serious about those vows. I took you to hold and cherish forever, I took you for better or worse. I will admit I have had enough 'worse'. But I also remember the indescribable joy I have had with you. The happiest days of my life have all been with you. I will be here for you as long as you want me."

"How can you love me now, when I am so ugly, swollen and black and blue?"

"When I fell in love with you, you were a skinny little girl, no boobs, no butt, a busted nose, and a split lip. But I fell head over heels in love with you. I still love you."

"You make me cry. I do love you too! Oh! Pull in to Wal-Mart so I can get this prescription filled."

"Ok! I want to stop at a sporting goods store next."

"What in the world for?"

"I want to buy you a hockey goal tender's mask or a catcher's mask for you to wear if you want to go out dancing by yourself again."

Damn that little girl can hit hard, even when she is laughing.