by froggyis
Story was super hot, nice build up but the switch from 1st person to 3rd near the end was a little distracting, would have been better all in same context. Just my opinion :)
I'd suggest that next time you make use of one of Lit's volunteer editors to help you clean up small things like misused words and the POV shift at the end.
This is a really good story. I especially like the way Nelson's animosity toward Mick at the beginning changed over the course of the story. The gradual progression toward sex was also good, very realistic (as were Nelson's thoughts on the subject). There are just a few typos here and there that need a little cleaning up. And the change from 1st to 3rd person was a bit confusing. Still, I look forward to reading more of your stories :-)
Good stuff. All the best, Sachs.
Not only was the switch from 1st to 3rd person confusing, but also the tone of the narration changed as well...He starts out as a geek...Then sorta progresses to be kinda cool..I just didn't know exactly what kind of person he really turned out to be...All in all, it was too confusing to get anything out of it.
You need to work on which person you're talking in and make sure the direction you take makes sense, but the plot and story line are good. Although some of the story was a little confusing, overall I enjoyed it. Definately continue with this. Just make sure you proof read it before submitting. Try one of the volunteer editors. Then you'll have a fantastic story.
One of my favorites. =] I liked the idea that the geek plainly disliked the other. It was a very well-writ story and I hope you come up with more of these. Good luck.
Very good and very annoying that you never wrote the next chapter. I hate it when people leave a hot story unfinished.