All Comments on 'Watching & Being Watched'

Good decriptive story

which I gave 4 stars. However, I do have some advice for you: pick a tense and stay with it. At times you say, "You" did this, or that. And then a paragraph or two later, "I" did this or that. What you should do is find your point of view and stick to it. In this tale, first person, "I" saw her do this, or "She did that and I did that. When speaking of the cuple in the trailer, start with "they, switching to him/her, or he/she as the case warrants. An easier means would be to use names, i.e. Sally (your wife) Chase for yourself, as it is you telling the story and Sally may have occasion to use your name. The couple in the trailer lack names until such time as you all actually confront one another, so until you give them an identity they should be he/she.

I hope you take this constructively. I did like the story and only want to help you present your next one in a better light.

Some observations...

Have an idea (or develop one as the writing progresses) about your main message/theme. For example, the Sweetie 'need to pee' segment was cute and typical female, but it established a point about her nervousness about public exhibition which was TOTALLY blown-up later in the story. It was kinda related to the theme, but turned out to be a) a lie, or b) an attitude which was changed during her increasing involvement with the 'trailer couple!' If 'b', it should have been addressed directly later. Coulda been done with Sweetie needing to pee AFTER the episode, and saying 'fuck it, let any passer-byes look if they want to!'

If the peeing segment was JUST something cute, and NOT intended to influence the story, it should have been cut as non-contributive! (Hubby lust didn't need to have an elaborate explanation...that was established with the 'fuck-me clogs!' - Huh, yet to see any of THOSE!)

Use a painted on trailer-name, such as 'Mary and Joe's Retreat' to name the owners who were initially involved only with each other! It would keep the 'she' pronoun rarer and the 'who's doing whom' clearer!

Stories told in the second person are ridiculous. This story, told by the women in the first person, could have gotten four stars, and possibly five, depending on the quality of the writing. The story itself had a lot of potential.

In the third person, told by the husband, three stars was the maximum possible.

Suggestion: the next time you think of a good story line write it in the third person, from the POV of the woman.

Poor and unbelivable

Shit!!!

Too hard to follow. Is he talking or her. The tense is all over the place.