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- What Are You Thinking
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Click hereThis article is my out loud thoughts about African American women in the United States, written from the perspective of an African American man. I in no way say that this is a definitive guide or that these observations hold true to 100% of the AA female population. However in my experience and those of my male counterparts we have observed that more times than not a few things hold true.
I.
"I don't need a man to do anything for me" This is the mantra and the theme song that African American females seems to sing from the rooftops. I fundamentally believe that they are not trying to convince us (Men) of this fact but rather to fool themselves into believing its true. Keeping in mind of course the contraindication between word and action. As any African American man can attest to even while screaming at us about how much we are not needed we are usually asked in the same breath to buy them something, pay bills for them, ect.
II.
"There are no GOOD Black Men anymore" Once again a phrase I have heard time and time again. Keep in mind you hear that not only from today's generation but we grew up hearing it from past generations of African American women. What that would leave you to believe is that there never was a good black man. Now we all know this to be very untrue. Fact is these confused and self deluded women have a very warped standard of what constitutes a "Good Man." What I have gathered about what makes up a "Good Man" is that while they are expected to be a leader by these women, the women will not tolerate him leading her. While he is expected to retain and indeed excel in gainful employment he is also never expected to enjoy the fruit of his labor because that fruit is to be enjoyed by the woman exclusively. While he is expected to be a contentious father to his children he is not allowed to instill any values or knowledge into his children, in fact he is only there to provide financial support for said children. While he is expected to be a giving lover to his spouse, it is at her sole discretion as to whether he is to receive any sexual gratification from his woman.
III.
"I don't do that anymore, I am married now" This is one that never fails to blow my mind. These women are very quick to tell you and indeed show how kinky, sexual, and downright slutty they were and can be. This is a side that you only see while in the process of courtship. Once she feels she has you secured, be it involved in a exclusive relationship or you have actually married her these actions are gone forever. And the excuse that is given is that she only did those things because she was single. Now maybe I am missing something in the translation but that seems to me to be completely backwards. My belief is that in fact your spouse is the only person that you should be free enough to share the entire extent of your sexuality.
IV.
"White women are stealing all our men" Once again another lame excuse passing blame about the failures of these women. No one is stealing the black men. We were discarded by our women as useless and not meeting the standards set forth in this article. Therefore somewhere in that warped mentality of the "modern black woman" they firmly feel that even though we (black men) are useless and not worth there time and attention, we have to keep trying to please that which is un pleas able and not look for fulfillment or happy healthy relationships outside of what they decide we should be happy with. IN other words, the thought is I do not want you but I will be damned if anyone else has you either.
V.
" I am not a bitch, whore, ect" I submit that if you were to ask the random black female what there favorite song is most times it will involve lyrics that in fact identify them as said bitches, whores, ect. My thinking, if you respond to a whore anthem then you identify yourself as said whore. Once again maybe I am just missing the translation in thinking. But let's look outside of music and into fashion. Most love to dress in the manner of what would be termed as a very overtly sexual manner. However what is said is that I love to dress with my tits and ass showing and act in a loose manner but I am a lady of class and substance. Am I the only one confused by this?
VI.
"I am a independent Woman" I saved this one for last but in no way mean it to be least. I do not believe that most would be able to define independence if quizzed. As I stated earlier from the time you meet them they give you a list of things you must take care of on their behalf before they could consider spending the time to get to know you. If you do not believe me pick any ten songs by black female artists at random and I assure you that the lyrics of at least 5 out of the 10 list in detail what a man must do for them in order to be with them. That is NOT independence. The closest definition would be extortion.
In closing I will once again say that the generalizations indeed do not apply to all black women, however the vast majority do fit into one or more of the subcategories in the preceding article. I am not saying by any means to give up on the "modern black female" But I am saying that the way of thinking in the modern black female needs a drastic overhaul. Healing is not a destination but in fact a process. To change the world we live in means changing the people that inhabit it on a very internal and individual basis.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 5 years agoLove this summary, primarily to hear someone’s opinion on black racial issues without all of the vitriol and racism baiting.
swallowedscreamover 16 years agoKept it to "in my experience" rather than saying "most" African American women are yadda yadda this, yadda yadda that.. I think readers would have found your "essay" far less offensive. In 2000, which just happened to be the first chart I came across, there were 34,658,190 African American people in the United States. Let's say even a 1/4 of that population are female, would you still say that you can speak about "most" of them? I think not.I am giving you a low mark not because of your subject matter..but because it is poorly written. A little more time spent editing and a better choice of words would most likely saved you a tremendous amount of backlash.
Anonymousover 16 years agoI'm neither black nor a woman, and while I wasn't offended (for one your argument was a bit weak), I am a bit perplexed by your claim that your initial article and response "are not generalizations about every black woman" but that they do hold true for the vast majority. huh? then isn't that a generalization?. I for one thought your own article was so ripe with silly claims (many unfounded...there r lots of men and women love the rap songs u refer 2..in fact the vast majority of buyers of rap are white...but that doesnt' give u carte blanche to refer to a person in the terms of the song just because they like the music. how asinine. If that's the case then you should be referring to all the white women and men buyers as "whore, b*s, etc." Why limit it to just black women as being the targets for that?
also, your PhD means nothing in this discussion... that gives you no extra validation. There are many people with PhDs and if we took what they said face value then we should believe the man who wrote the Bell Curve..and well, if that's the case you, as a black man, are 2 steps from being retarded anyway so no surprise in the women you choose
Anonymousover 16 years agoAs a white woman dating a black man, it amazes me the difference in the way relationships are viewed between races. While I don't agree with all of the comments in the article, there are some that I've found to be true. I suppose the first I'll address is, "White women are stealing all our men." First, I did not steal my boyfriend from anyone, and do not I think most women have. I was approached by him. Obviously I possess qualities that either a black woman doesn't have or has neglected to show, it happens... work on it. Second, why is it that my friends have no problem with the interracial relationship and his female friends think it's sacrilege? He's happy, why does it bother them so much?!
Next, dressing like a street walker. I do not feel the need to traipse around in short shorts and a belly-baring shirt to feel sexy; and apparently, in his circle of friends, that makes me some sort of prude. This makes no sense whatsoever. How is showing off all of your goods sexy? It leaves nothing to the imagination.
Ok, that is all. Thank you Indianaboi for the provocative and well written essay.
indianaboi33over 16 years agoAuthorTo answer a few questions, my name is IndianaBoi. (Boi-Brother Of Interest)
Now, I wrote this piece as a manner of expression and to provoke thought in the readership as to why these attitudes and beliefs still continue. It would seem that many were taking this as a personal attack and that would be unfortunate. However it gives validity to the fact that only those who see themselves in this article take it personally.
Now a bit about myself, I am happily married as well as an educated person. I hold a PhD in psychology and am a practicing doctor in fact. So, to address the dating advice so many seem willing to give me Thank You but No Thanks.
I am not a one sided coin and I hope you continue to be on the lookout for future articles. I will address not only the ignorance’s of women but also of men. The only way to combat ignorance is by meeting it head on with TRUTH, EDUCATION, and a Spirit of Change. Denial, Doubt, and Blame Assessing are the means by which we fail to meet our societal goals.
Anonymousover 16 years agoI'm sorry you have run across the wrong women. But I must say male or female it is hard to find the prefect person and color does not even a factor. I hope you find love no matter where you find it.
Signed a African American Woman
Anonymousover 16 years agoI rate this poorly because I think that by making this an AA woman thing, you over-generalize and prove that your theory can't be fully taken at face value - your control group is too small and there seems to be no variable (sorry..scientist bkgrnd).
As a "mixed" person, I have dated the range, and I must say this is by NO means an AA woman prob..I've experienced it from all races of women, and actually found, of the women I've known, many white women to be far more fitting of the characteristics you laid out, but also experienced it with some AAs, hispanics, and 2nd generation Asians. At the same time, I've found decent women across the board. When I had a paricularly bad slew of dates I had thoughts like you and made blanketed generalizations about women, but then I realized maybe I was only finding these "categories" (nothing to do with ethnicity/ race) of women because those were the type of women I kept pursuing. Once I broke out of that box, I realized there were many types of women (woman at cooking classes offer a diff. mix to the ones I met at bars, dance classes and book clubs had diff. personality side to some of the ones in my sports clubs).
all this to say, I don't think it fair to post such an article categorizing these problems as only AA women, unless you've taken the time to date/enter relationships with an equal number of women from each different ethnic group who you've met in a similar setting (i.e. if you've dated/been in rltnshps with 12 AA women that you met in clubs or the grocery story, then you need to date 12 white, 12 asian, 12 hispanic, etc of a similar background and from a similar setting as the AA women u date). Only way to make your argument valid - and if you did so, I'd bet you be amazed to find these probs are in most rltnshps in the US. My 2 cents...also, anyone else wonder why it seems that only AAs make these public gnrlztns about each other? I never see an article from asian women dispariging all asian men, or white men denigrating white rltnshps . even w/their probs
Anonymousover 16 years agoNice rant. I feel your frustration. My comment is directed towards the racial slur: If God didn't intend for different races to have children together, why is that some of the most beautiful people you see are of mixed racial background. God has spoken! I felt it needed to be said.
Anonymousover 16 years agoThe writers intention is to provoke thought and consideration so it is successful in that regard.<P>
It is unfair to lump the always and never into complaints for the same reason averages can be misleading and upsetting [some forget that an average is just a mid-point with plenty of plus and minus on each side].<P>
The dilemmas cited aren't driven by race or in a sense by gender but are the results of a lack of respect or selfish need. Marriage isn't a place to hide from your spouse nor a place to take advantage of a partner.<P>
To think that the fire will remain consistently hot is not a reasonable expectation as it wasn't prior either - there were and always will be peaks and valleys. Fixation on it is just a smoke screen for not addressing other problems.<P>
A marriage is a job - a business if you will of reasonable compromise. Remember that a good compromise is equally painful to each party [ neither gets everything they want ].<P>
Thanks author - your provocation is bearing the fruits of thought and expression. Well written too.
