All Comments on 'Who Do You Love? Ch. 04'

I get that they're teenagers, but I cannot get past the immaturity. The dialogue needs a lot of work, it is stilted and I have never as a teen myself or even now known any teen that talks that way. I don't know how old you are or if English is a second language and its lost in translation, I guess what I'm trying to say is if you continue to write, get an editor t help with the dialogue and the myriad of commas that aren't needed.

i think you can offer help and not be insulting like the last commenter. i think it was a good cast of characters in the story. I do agree with the last person that the language came across in a way that wasn't true to the characters though. It was language unlikely to come from a high school student. I think it would suit the story better to have more realistic dialogue and have it come across real, rather than flowery/romantic in a way you'd expect a victorian novel maybe. I agree that an editor or beta reader can help point this out when you're writing it and help you make it more natural, believable, etc At the same time you can still have it come across that they are starting a relationship and are happy and both were dealing with having feelings for the other. They just have to sound like high school students with those feelings.

I still would like to know where jack was during his times away. And how could he get so much time off school? lol Where was he staying? he's a high school student so he doesn't have funds to go to a hotel in another town to avoid his crush. I'd have liked to know what he was doing. I thought he might have been ill and getting treatments somewhere or something when you said how bad he looked.

Just get some help with your writing, the best authors all get it too. And I hope you write again.

The ending was kind of cliché, but I kinda expected it to end this way. I have to agree also that the dialogue needs some work because the story needs to flow. The sentences are kind of mixed up and more is being said than needed. I don't think the 'bully' that what wanted to rape Andy, would back off that easily. But overall, my opinion on this chapter is better than the second and the third. An editor would be nice to have c;

FIVE STARS REALLY GREAT LOVE STORY JONATHAN