- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Circular Thoughts
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Circular Thoughts
The carousel goes round and round.
Horses moving up and down.
The organ makes its happy sound.
While she rides the horse of brown.
Why not choose the horse of white?
I guess it didn't feel quite right.
White is for the girls so bright,
The ones who always get it right.
This girl always gets it wrong.
She knows she does not belong.
Says the wrong thing, says it strong.
Then she worries all night long.
Her thoughts are cycling through her head
As the madness starts to spread.
What did she do to cause her dread?
I can't imagine what she said.
Anxiety has taken hold.
Her chaos cannot be controlled.
I try to grab her hand, so cold.
I don't deserve it, she is told.
Why does she always feel so guilty?
Follows all the rules to a tee.
Disorder makes it hard to see
What a strong girl she could be.
The carousel just keeps on spinning.
Thoughts so dark are always winning.
Stomach into knots is twisting.
Her mind is reaching out for something
On which to pin this anxiousness,
This never ending sense of stress.
Even if it is baseless,
It makes her feel completely worthless.
These circular thoughts keep her down,
Keep her peace from being found.
To her anxious feelings bound,
Stuck on this fucking merry-go-round.
- COMMENTS
jaycoxover 8 years agoYour poem brings back all the pain of it to me. I have been with you on the carousel, not on white either, but on the black horse.
Cleardaynowover 9 years agoI think this is good and very nearly very good indeed.
What you say and convey is extremely strong – a strong message and a strong medium.
It is extremely hard to pull off a poem where all the lines rhyme. I think I have only known Demure succeed and there all every single line rhymed with a limited set of rhyme sounds it was in quite an irregular pattern.
Unusually, heavy rhyme actually is suited to the burden of the poem and gives us the feel of the carousel.
The difficulties with rhyme are normally firstly that it gives an exaggerated rhythm – but that fits here as said.
However such rhyming has further implications. It both hides from the writer and actually accentuates for the reader any imperfections in rhythm and flow in the lines. Secondly, at times the choice of rhyming word can stick out as awkward in sound or sense – indicating that the writer has been floundering trying to find a rhyming word. Both those things do occur (I think) in this poem.
The first seven verses flow nicely but I then find ‘guilty’ a little uncomfortable. The slight off rhymes on spinning are awkward rather than strengthening. I think the penultimate verse jars. Anxiousness does not roll off the tongue and the other endings in that verse feel awkward as well. The dissonance of the final line seems appropriate as an emphasis or would be if you had maintained the flow of the first seven verses up to that point.
I think what you wrote is very impressive as you set yourself an extremely difficult task.
HoneyAdoredover 9 years agoI thought he subject matter was depicted very well and the carousel analogy worked too, I enjoyed the read and thank you for letting me experience the essence of the ride.
Anonymousover 9 years agoI have always had a hard time with writing poems, especially the type that have the words that rhyme on the end of each line. I am just not that artistic. This poem you have written hear reminds me of a quote my dad used to tell me. "Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings...for many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness." Whoever is the subject of this piece, I want to give them a hug. Did a good job on this patientlee. Don't know why all of a sudden you are writing poems, but I like them!
:-)
Sincerely, Payenbrant
