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Want to Play Ch. 05

bysecrecy456©
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Comments (20)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous08/14/08

good

it was good but it felt a little rushed and not as dramatic as the previous chapters. still liked it though keep up the good work

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by Anonymous08/14/08

Confused

How could the doctor tell that she was having twins based on a urine pregnancy test?

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by Anonymous08/14/08

like it, but...

somebody def needs to run through your stories and edit them. punctuation is a huge problem. yeah, this one was def rushed.
but i really do like your ideas and stuff

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by VampiresLotus08/14/08

Dont give up!

Hey, like i said before on the last chapter of this story, you do a great job by your self. You dont need an editor because all you would have to do is re-read it your self. You do fantastic work, so what if people dont like it. Those poeple have no sense of imagination, its possible to be in a sexual relationship with someone and have it turn in to a real relaitonship. Its also possible to have love at first sight. Never let anyone change YOUR story because THEY dont like it, that's thier problem that they dont, for every 10 people that like something there will always be one person who doesnt like it. and the people who dont like it either have no talent, or are just mad that they didnt come up with the idea their self. I like this story, its like a real life senerio, all of this could happen you never know, maybe it has happened or is happening some place. You never really know. I get so sick and tired of reading people comments and all they have to do is bitch about how you missed that or mispelled this or blah blah blah! So what's the point of people reading the story when all they are going to do is look at it to see what is wrong. Look at the story and just enjoy the damn thing! Im not the best speller in the world, but shit i know what you mean by whatever sentence. It gets me mad because if someone know's what you mean even if the sentence is long why the hell should they point it out? You got the point right?!??! But like i said before, dont let people who really have WAY too much time on thier hands to point out every little thing wrong with your story tell you how to write YOUR story. Just keep on writting and tell them if you dont like it...fuck off and read something else lol:) I really hope you dont give up writting, I really like all of your stories, and Ive always left positive feeback! Soo Keep up the wonderful work!!

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by hotcocoa690408/14/08

Great Job!!

I just want to say that I have loved your stories since you started on Nick and Nynia's story, and I am truly sorry to hear that you no longer want to continue. All I have to say is do what makes you happy and fuck everyone else. If leaving the site makes you happy....then do your thing. But I didn't want you to leave without you knowing that you are extremely talented. Everyone has room for improvement but you should never change your story for someone else. If they don't like it then they don't have to read it. Best wishes! ~B~

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by cantfightfate08/14/08

Not your best, but still an okay read.

I definitely agree with the other posters. This chapter felt rushed and a lot of little things distracted me. You can't find out you're having twins from a urine test. The sudden change of heart from the Dad was awkward. And what kind of woman doesn't trust the man she supposedly loves? She's ready to set up house with him but in a bad situation, she doesn't even give him the benefit of the doubt or ask for an explanation. She believes a stranger over the love of her life?? Just doesn't quite make sense to me. Also, this chapter is very, very similar to the ending of your other story, with Nynia and Nick. I'll still looking forward to the last chapter, though.

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by Anonymous08/14/08

Good work

Your stories are really good! Don't stop writing just because of some comments. You should look at it as a way to make your writing better. This chapter was good also but just a little rushed. You shouldn't stop writing because people do enjoy your stories!

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by Anonymous08/14/08

HeeHee...

It looks like the camel's back has been broken. Listen, seriously, you should take your comments with a grain of salt. So someone doesn't think it's dramatic enough. I bet there are 100s others that love your story just as it is. Read the comments, decide which ones are being constructive and which are just complaining. Then disregard as many of them as you want to. Write the story the way it comes to you. If you get conflicting comments, let them cancel out and write your story the way you were intending. Your characters are coming into their own now and you have made so much progress in the small amount of time that you've been writing here on Lit. Yes, you're young and haven't experienced some things, but you are talented and you do have potential. But, don't rely on your youth/inexperience as a crutch. If all else fails, do some research. If you're not sure how things work, google it or talk to someone who would know. I say this because that's how most authors (here and published) do it. Well, the one's who are going for accuracy. And, really, if I said get an editor, it's because an editor could be someone to bounce ideas off of to help you build a better story. Your punctuation didn't bother me in this chapter, so maybe I don't read as closely as some. I'm usually more concerned about the feel of a chapter, I guess. Back to your story, although the doctor wouldn't know she was having twins with a simple pregnancy test (you have to get an ultrasound to determine such a thing), you captured her joy at being a mother to Adam's babies. You showed us just how much Adam cares for her and now we know why his father isn't in his life. His turn around didn't come off sudden for me. Sure, we always like more details, to help give us a clearer picture in our minds, but I think you gave us some decent ones in this chapter. It is a shame that you are thinking of giving up posting on Lit. I always looked forward to reading your chapters. I hope you realize that there are far more people who enjoy your ability to craft a story than those who don't and decide to give us more from you. I'm sorry if I contributed to your discomfort here. I wanted to be constructive, to help you become a better author because your scores were much lower than I thought they should have been (You deserve more H's). You have a great mind and your concepts are new and fresh. Once again, I hope you reconsider and post more to Lit. (P.S. nice cliff hanger. I can't wait to read the next chapter)

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by Anonymous08/14/08

Seriously this has got to stop.

There are lots of people that get negative comments but they don't take it so much to heart. Either you write for enjoyment or you write for feedback. Which one is it? Nobody is going to baby you and everyone is going to have opinions, but if you say you like writing and you think you're a good writer than just do the damn thing and make yourself better. The truth is that stories are rushed and the details are neglected, and I think it's because you just seem so anxious to get it out there. But is it really worth it to push the story through so quickly if you and your readers can't enjoy the experience? At the end of the day though it's all about you and what you get out of it. Stop writing so that others will tell you how great your story is, and don't stop writing just because some tell you they don't like it. Just write. Or don't. Make a choice based something other than superficial opinions and then stick by it.

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by angelicsounds08/14/08

Hey, I'm an author.

I write stories on Lit, I think they're doing pretty well (although that might change after I post this. lol.), so does that mean you're going to take me seriously? I hope so. I've been reading your stories and I agree with the comments that say that you have potential. You're not quite there yet, but you're making your way (Keep going!). I can see that you have a creative mind and you tell interesting stories. I have to tell you, truthfully, you're never going to please everyone. It's impossible. So, I would settle for pleasing yourself. Don't ask what people want from you, because the answer is usually "Everything." You write because you love to write, so keep it up. Post it here. We want to read it. But, you also have to realize that along with those who love your stories, there are going to be those who want to find fault in them. I had a similar problem a little bit ago. I got feedback saying some readers wanted more of a story, I wrote another chapter and I got feedback saying that I should have ended the story with the previous chapter. I looked at it this way. I was going to write more anyway. The story wasn't finished in my mind, so I'm going to keep on until it's finished. Who cares if I should have stopped. I'll stop when I'm good and damn well ready to because it's MY story. But, I could see where they were coming from. I just chose to keep on keeping on. You can't let comments discourage you. Don't let the negative people rule you. Find a support system to help lift you up when others are pressing you down and listen to their encouragement rather than the negativity. Post here because YOU want to (believe me, we won't mind). Write the story YOU want. At the end of the day, you are the one that should be satisfied with what you write and if no one else is, then at least you can say you wrote something that made YOU feel good.

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hmmm

I like the stories, but they're a bit repetitive. Like the first story, a woman comes in and basically lies to the girlfriend and she runs out without even hearing his story. i know it happens in real life sometimes, but its a bit cliche. the storyline's not bad, though...

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by Anonymous08/15/08

Not bad

It isn't the greatest, but by far, it certainly isn't the worse I've read. As mentioned by others already, you have great potential. Don't stop writing because you get criticized. As you wrote in the beginning of your stories, "all feedback is welcome". Well then, try and accept all forms of those feedbacks. Don't sulk because a few people didn't like it or because you didn't get those "LOVED IT!" comments you were hoping for. Not everyone is going to like your stories. But that's where you get to pick and choose which advice/comments you can take to help make you a better writer.

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by angelicsounds08/15/08

Oh, one more thing.

I thought I'd throw this up, because it helps me sometimes. I noticed that people say that your story seems rushed. Picture it this way: A group of people go to an art museum and are excited to see your exhibit. When they get there, the tour guide grabs their hand and runs through the hallways, so all they're seeing are flashes of color, but no clear pictures. At the end, they stand at the end of the exhibit and say, "Wait, what just happened?" and they feel...rushed. They go to the ticket booth/customer service because they want to say something about it, so next time they come, maybe the tour guide will slow down and let them look at the pictures and digest them before moving them on to the next one. Maybe the tour guide will take the time to describe the pictures next time, so they get what's going on in them and aren't totally left to their own devices. There will be some who say that they just don't like it and there will be some who say that it was amazing because they know you're a good artist and they can't wait to come again. When you write, you're the guide. It's up to you to decide how much people are going to see and what they get out of your 'exhibit'. They ask for more details because they want to get a clearer picture of what's going on. But, like I said, it's your story and it's really up to you. Write the story you want to write and if you want to take more time to describe a scene, fine. If not, sure there are going to be those who complain, but there are also going to be those who love it. Take their feedback and move on, because at the end of the day, you're the author and you know how your story was meant to be written. I hope this helps.

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by sapphiredreams08/15/08

Kudos

goes to ANGELICSOUNDS. That museum was a good analogy! I just thought of something also: Secrecy, if you haven't already, read authors like Nerd4Music or TangledInYou. They write the same genre as you do and they do it extremely well. Too bad "Sunday" has been taken down, that truly was an awesome read. The pace, the characters, the emotion ... everything just fit. If you can't find an editor, maybe reading their stories will give you some ideas with character development, flow, etc. Maybe then you'll end up with more than one page every chapter. Good luck to you and definitely keep writing if you're inspired to do so!

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by mimi18611/17/11

hate!

That giselle! What a bitch!

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by Anonymous01/02/12

You need to stop trying to please everyone

Outside of criticism about basic grammar, you need to stop trying to flesh out the characters to your critic's content. It seems that everytime sonemeon offers feedback, you try to write it into your next chapter, and it doesn't work. Out of the blue Adam's dad comes back to beg for forgiveness? After Adam kicked her out yesterday, Giselle gets to come back and lies to Erica? Erica is pregnant with twins? You are jumping all over the place because you are trying to please too many people. Take your time and write the story that was in your head, nor what you think some of us want to read.

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by Anonymous04/07/12

Don't listen to the bad critisism

the story is perfect the way it is!!!

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by Anonymous09/28/12

great story but...

a pregnancy test doesn't tell you how many babies you're having. Other than I, love this story. I want an Adam in my life!!!

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by PrincessPout10/03/12

You must've

just skimmed and missed the whole part where she went to the doctors office and the doctor told her how many babies she was having.

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by trubblemakur12/07/12

I believe

they were saying there is no way the doctor would know from the pregnancy test if you were having a multiple birth. That is usually only found by them hearing more than one heartbeat or by ultrasound later in the pregnancy.

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