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A Marine's First Taste of Chocolate

byjustboycrazy©
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Comments (7)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous03/13/10

needs proofreading

weird structure and wording. pls edit.

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by reverendaholic03/13/10

Rushed?

The story seemed hurried. Missing words and such. Concept was ok but might want to take more time expanding and editing before posting your next story.

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by Loca8503/13/10

well

I could complain about a lot but the thing that stood out to me most was 46C. Either you're not american or just sorely mistaken about bra sizes. For her to be a 46C she would be wayyy more than 200 pounds.

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by Anonymous03/14/10

Graduate?

You don't graduate from the Marines. You graduate Marine Corps Boot Camp, but you don't graduate from the Marines. If he was getting out out the Corps, then that means his enlistment was up. And the party wouldn't look anything like a graduation party.

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by THELOVELY1GLO02/09/11

Loved the concept, I would lovingly suggest proof reading and editing before posting.More details could also help.

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by atl_peachpie198208/30/11

I think the idea was good but you could use more character development...and more details.

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by Anonymous08/16/12

You got talent

You have talent and I also agree with ATL_peachepie.

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