All Comments on 'Waiting All Along'
by moytalkstou
- 20 Comments
mdalexanderalmost 14 years agoPlease don't end it just here. You have the beginnings of a beautiful novel. It's absolutely fantastic.
Risq_001almost 14 years agoA couple of things might help you a as a new writer (or on this site) that I've found helped me.
I won't go into spelling or grammar because I suck at both and am the last person to give that advice to anyone.
- Try to keep the paragraphs to around 5-6 lines. It makes for easier reading of your story.
- Use sections breaks. Something like +++++ or ####### or even *******. It marks scene changes and different story paths.
Right now I'm assuming (and I know what that does) the first four lines and then the following paragraphs are a different scene that changes into a flashback into their past. But I'm just guessing because on my screen you have those 4 lines and then a 15 lined paragraph that flows into another 12 lined one that starts into something about a birthday party.
I'm not quite sure where it all went or what is going on when you do that. Is it her flashback, his flashback, or is it something the reader should know in the third person? Why is the reader seeing the first flashback anyway? And who are the people in the 2 full paragraph?
I'm not slamming you, but pointing that a few changes could make the story flow better and make a huge difference in readability.
-Risq
Harryin VAalmost 14 years agoyou are off to a great start BUT dont forget what you have done here. You have told a basic story of a asshole husband who for some r eason beleived someone in his family and tossed his wife out without any evidence at all.
none... according to the story.
This is like thos edumb fuck LW stories where the supposed loving wife decides for some mreason that is never explained decides to believe the stOries and rumors told by the huSband worst enemy... so the wife just HAS to fuck the entire washington redskins footdall TEAM
Anonymousalmost 14 years agoI agree with the comments by Risq. Follow his ideas and I believe you have a really great story here. Looking forward to the next chapter(s)
Pistolpackinpetealmost 14 years ago...important than Risq's. If you write yourself (quickly) out of the initial inanity you may have something. Some of what Risq wrote I agree with but I strongly disagree about paragraph structure/length, unless I missed his (possible) intent to imply that readers here can't handle diverse writing "styles". I mean, was it Kerouac's fault or mine that I get a headache reading 'train of thought' writing? Some people can't handle Toni Morrison's prose style. Grammar's one thing, but write what flows to you!
Anonymousalmost 14 years agoActually 2 questions. 1. you do know that this is not an LW story? 2. Why do you assume that they were married, and that there was no -evidence- albeit false. On a new point I think Pete is correct about writing style. We are all adults and should be able to infer things without everything being spelled out for us. A good start I thought. -- UK CYNIC
Anonymousalmost 14 years agoi think i know a person just like Paul. his successful but quite insecure.
lancewmalmost 14 years agoBut listen to the constructive comments from Harry, Risq, etc. It was impossible to understand the transition from the opening with Paul thinking about the past to the birthday party for Josh. What was that all about?
Anonymousalmost 14 years agoyou cocksucking fuckin creep.
hisangelbeautyalmost 14 years agoVery nice, I for one can't wait to see where this story goes.
peethreealmost 14 years agoI like your story so far. You do have to ignore some of these anonymous idiots on this site.
larea412almost 14 years agoI can't wait to see where this goes. Keep them coming fast.
LilMami07almost 14 years agogreat read. keep up the good work and ignore the shitheads :) **lilmami07**
Anonymousover 13 years agoA line from near the end of the chapter:
"He glanced around and realized that he wasn't the only male in the vicinity appreciative of the view and that stirred up a bout of anger."
My comment is why would this man who told his lover to get lost and has not seen her for ten years get angry because some other men admired her ass. Talk about an unrealistic butthead, I think it is already clear why he has been missing in her life.
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