All Comments on 'Award'

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. Easily worth 5 stars. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I should've added - What a great 1st story and I look forward to reading many more stories from you. Thank you again.

because the halo around his head will be bright enough to read without it.

Sorry, this story is cr*p.... the persons depicted are extremely two-dimensional and lifeless and the hero is much to good to be true.

What a GREAT STORY , riveting , as a Brit who doesn`t understand a thing about American Football , it was an excellent tale !

A great story.

For a first story it was excellent, for those with the comments regarding the 'halo' et al please look at the genre 'ROMANCE' I think this story fits! IMHO...

5*

Regards

Mr Wolf

Great story, great writing and character development. I knew it was a fantasy when you brought up the Cowboys...lol... I live in the DFW area and we are all praying for a good Quarterback...

but the end felt like you got tired of writing and tacked on a wish-fulfillment fantasy epilogue. Real potential there, though.

overall I must say I enjoyed this story

The only time he did much to be thought of as a hero was when he initially stood up for Jimmy and Carol. For the most part after that, he just took the easy path. He should have reported the guys for bullying even though it would caused resentment. He definitely should have reported the coach for the 'supplements', but that would have hurt his football chances. He should have stood up to his 'girlfriend' Kathy, but the little head was firm in control there. Sometimes doing the right thing is not easy, but that is what makes a good character someone we want to see get the girl and like. Here we get a milk toast guy, who still is hall of fame quarterback, without the backbone required to actually be one. At least the author didn't try to pass him off as a straight A student too.

I enjoyed your story. It was well written and tied together well. In a number of areas I had to suspend my disbelief, but this is fiction. :-)

I appreciated the way you developed your characters, included values and principles, and didn't just write a bunch of gratuitous sex just for the genre's sake. I look forward to your next story.

Nice story. I agree with other comment that you got lazy and added a fantasy ending. Happy endings don't have to be absurd.

Don't think much of this story at all. The hero is far too fake, the dialogue especially with the hero is stilted. An 18/19 year old bashing an 11 year old and NOTHING is done, apart from an 'apology' the so called hero of the story MADE them all do?! 1*

Agreed with the previous poster. This kid is like a piece of plastic, molded to be utterly perfect, a full grown adult in a kid's body that can magically recover from any career ending injury and destroy opposition with little more than a laugh, automatically winning the girl at the end. Faker than a Hollywood chick flick.

Something that really bothered me about this story though, was the steroids. It was made clear on page one that EVERYONE on the team was taking steroids, because Chambers demanded it. They beat up little kids and cheated their way into the state championship, and got away with it.

More importantly, the plastic little shit is snarking about how iconic he is for not being a "nark" and how sad he was that he wasn't able to lead his team to victory...

... but his team cheated to get there.

And he doesn't have any problem with that. I'm not sure if that was intentional on your part, an attempt to make him "real", but given how incredibly fake he is, as if he were written as some 12 y/os wet dream wish fulfillment, I get the feeling that it wasn't intended.

Looking at things in that context, I want to smash his face in. Vicky doesn't deserve having this scumbag cunt inflicted upon her. He basically lies, withholds evidence, and does things that normal people wouldn't do so that he can be more heroic when he beats the odds. Fuck that.

I agree with you Anon, but I think you are being much to harsh here. Imagine if this was real. He is automatically put in a rough situation when his coach starts giving him drugs. He is a kid, and thus stupid. He made a wrong choice, sure but he is just a fucking kid.

And I don't agree that Jim, "has a halo," like one reviewer suggested. It is just that Ricky, coach, and his ex are incredibly awful people. It is just that he isn't an asshole. It's not like he was also spending his free time feeding homeless kids in Africa with an unbearable genius level intellect. He pretty much comes off as a nice guy. And actually, given the steroids, handling the bullying in house, and the bitchy girlfriend, he comes off as kinda a pushover. Which I see as a good thing, because it is a glaring character flaw which further destroys the notion that Jim was a saint.

The problem is that you created an uncomplicated character. With the exception that he is apparently Peyton Fucking Manning he is a normal guy with normal values. And because most people (people like the one's who said Jim was a saint) are complete shit, anyone who is not complete shit appears to them to have the moral fortitude of Jesus Christ.

The story had an, "us against the world," flavor which I liked, but there are a few things that really annoyed me and one thing almost ruined the story. Some parts were excessively unrealistic. Coach Chambers would have been seen as an asshole for badmouthing a high school athlete after he tore his ACL. Also, I don't like how VIcky's ex had to cheat for them to get together. It would have been much more satisfying is Jim had pursued her and she realized her feelings. Also, the end sucked. Oh now that Will is out of the way, we can be together forever! Sorry, that came across as phony and kinda a dick move on Jim's part. The end was much to fantastical and every word I read made me roll my eyes.

Another thing, and this what almost ruined the story for me. I get that there were a lot of assholes in this story. But why do the fact that they are the antagonist always have to be complete assholes? Sure I could see Coach, Ricky and Katie, because fuck those guys. Them being assholes was integral to the plot But Will and Lisa? And even then, none of them were really malicious unlike Ricky and Coach. The problem was that they were all evil to the point they seemed inhuman.

What annoyed me the most was the epilogue. I don't like the implication that I am supposed to relish in the pain of others. I know it is supposed to appeal to some primal part of my brain but it just seems a little sick. I don't like the implication from the author that I am supposed to feel good about what happens to them. Was it justice? Maybe. But is is also petty.

3 stars. Keep on writing. You got something here.

incredibly banal...

Very entertaining and uplifting story. Thanks

Loved both your stories, please keep writing.

Ditto on both stories posted. I hope you will keep it up. Had to give this one another 5 big stars. Thanks for the writing and look forward to seeing more from you!!

For allowing him to become a Dallas Cowboy...

An entertaining, well written, romantic fantasy.

OK, so I'm only joking and probably one of the very few non Americans here to have actually played the game (albeit not terribly well and a long time ago). Great storytelling, even if it was a bit gooey, and Shoe was impossibly perfect. That's good sometimes though and I thought it was a thoroughly good read. Lots of stars.

I really enjoyed this story. Well written, really kept my interest, enjoyed the characters. Too bad those last few paragraphs, about what happened afterwards, were included. I like a happy ending more than most, but all of his accomplishments were so over-the-top and unbelievable, that they left a bad taste of what was otherwise a great story.

is worthless as a sky-hook, TK U MLJ LV NV

It was painful listening to Katy, to Akers and to Chambers. I was afraid he was going to enter the game where it became clear that Richie could not fill his uniform.

I admit that I would be happier without it having the list of casualties at the end.

Thanks again for another wonderful story. And Britease, Gooey is sometimes good.

great to see a new talented writer like yourself love both of the stories you've posted. Especially good to see a new loving wives writer.

Great start - well organized and executed - beyond belief - of course - LOL - but so what it was a fun read and the winners all won - better than RL any day -

The plot line wasn't bad, but you need to learn to handle dialogue better. I'm sure I'm not the only person who finds third person narrative irritating. Yes, it means you don't have to bother with pesky things like adjectives, adverbs, italics, and quote marks; but third person is as I see it the pulp that's left after you squeeze out the juice. You didn't give us much juice, which disappointed me.

I also agree with the commenters who say your hero is too perfect. It's why, as characters, Batman is so much more interesting than Superman. Perfection is dull, dull, dull. Shoe Andrews is a decent kid, but he's not Jesus Christ. He deserves to be humanized so we can empathize with him.

And the "Where are they now?" section should be cut. It adds nothing to the story, as we have no investment in any of those two-dimensional stereotypical characters. Good writing is defined not by what you include, but by what you choose to cut. Took me awhile to learn that; you'll get there.

Keep on writing, oshaw, whenever you have a story that has characters who come out and drag you to the keyboard, and then stand over you to get their story told. Those are the stories worth writing, and reading.

First, you throw, commas, in, at weird, places (see how annoying that is?).

Then: "hadn't have gotten hurt"...? Seriously? What's wrong with "hadn't gotten hurt"?

Let's not go into over-the-topdom. We are WAAY deep into that territory.

Your story, you write the way you see fit; but damn, dude, get an editor.

...but keep the endings a bit more believable. This one went over the top ;-)

A good warm story where the hero gets the right girl. Hey Rightbank once again you engaged your fingers before you pressed start on your brain, what a dick you are!

However, you are not an hunter, that's for sure. You do not skin an animal expertly after seen it once. You do not put an animal in the freezer immediately after it is shot.

After reading Fortune I decided to continue with your stories. I'm on to my third..I don't think I'll be disappointed..but I'll get back..thanx for the excellent reading.

A tad over the top perhaps (kinda like a series that HDK wrote) but a fun read nonetheless. It felt a bit rushed at the end and I would have enjoyed more detail, but hey, it's all good.

I wanted to address the ongoing complaint that these tales have a 'storybook' quality to them. GOOD! They are stories and I would assume the reason we read them is for entertainment and to get good feelings about success against the odds. You have certainly succeeded and I, for one, am happy.

BTW, your editing (or your editor) is excellent too!

Thanks!

I expect periodically that a particular poster, either under his name, or a doppelganger that I became aware of, or anonymously will post a comment of how I have redacted his posts. This individual has a history of critiquing stories as though he is doing us all a favor by doling out his pearls of wisdom. Ironically, this self described genius has yet to write his first story here on Literotica.

This individual sought me out through private communication and continued to critique my stories using the most inane examples possible. That was when I made the mistake of pointing out the typos and poor grammar and flawed reader's comprehension of the individual's comments. Fair play, right?

That led to an escalating exchange of communications, whereupon, the individual called my Mother some vile derogatory terms.

Look, you may not like my stories, you may criticize them till the cows come home and that is fine by me. All I'm trying to do is give back to a website where I have enjoyed so many well written stories.

But, when you take the opportunity to vilify my deceased Mother, a line has been crossed. So, I elected to delete this individual's comments and now he is pissing all over himself that I am not letting him play in my sandbox.

Too fucking bad, asshole. You may post, and it may stay up temporarily, but rest assured it will eventually be taken down. I think a cursory review of the comments on my stories will show I'm pretty open minded to criticisms and I want that dialogue to continue. But understand, you cross that line of defaming my family then I will respond accordingly.

Too much is too much. You spoil your stories with an over the top ending. Moderation.

It seems a commenter has gotten under your skin.

And we don't get to read the posts.

Dang.

A bit of a cross between "The Blind Side" and "Friday Night Lights" but as I loved both those films, I loved this story also - well written, great character development, altogether a great read despite the slightly rushed ending. I am learning so much about writing from reading your stuff - looking forward to reading much more of your work.

Started awesome ...

The farther you got into the story the faster the pace. The end almost felt like a "tack on".

Damn, what a load of fatuous rubbish. The hero is a sickening, goody goody.

Storyline is too simple and obvious even for a 5 year old.

Many other authors have written this kind of story, but OS handles it quite well. I found it interesting and credible until the last few paragraphs, which were a bit too over the top. Entertaining read, though.

Jeez ure fanstatic, it got to a point i start shedding tears, keep it up.

I like stories with good endings, even those that are predictable. This was very well written until the last part which was too much fairy tale and written at too fast a pace.

Get real, people!

If you want reality, this ain't the place for you!

You all accept stories where the husband is a computer genius, ex-Navy SEAL who can make any woman melt with his magical tongue, but a story where he becomes an NFL superstar, now THAT'S unrealistic!

Great read, oshaw.

Until the very end where he won two heisman awards then was drafted by the cowboys played for 10 years and for 4 of them won 4 Super Bowl rings.

It might have been more believable if he was drafted by the STEELERS!

STEELER NATION!!!

Lol only kidding about the Steelers part! But I really did enjoy the story, 5 *.

Completely implausible at the end with his career, but otherwise flawless. I've rarely seen such a vivid yet understated depiction of someone being merely used by a supposed significant other. And it's simply impossible not to love Vicky; the world needs more women like that. <3

Hey gutless, cowardly, troll is there a reason you aren't able to leave an idiotic comment on each of my stories at one time? Is it because you can only form so many words in a single day before your inbred retarded brain shuts down? I'm going to have to score your insult a minus 1. It was bland and boring.

Very entertaining story. Thanks for sharing.

Only 5 pages, I could of read more. Nice story

Hunting, to kill, Killing to hunt, never got that bug living in LA.

I hope you keep writing on Literotica. Do you write any were else ?

Sure it's over the top, that's what fiction is. Fantasy, fairy-tale, make believe all of these are what makes up fiction. Fiction will usually beat out reality every time. And kudos plenty to this author for this and all his other little gems. You done did gooder'n snuff Oshaw.

but more than anything I was tickled that you knew who Shake was.

5sssssss................bill

I do not have any idea about American Football and I hate the idea of hunting but I still enjoyed this story

This is fiction of course, and I don't understand those commenters that ridicule it. It was very touching and romantic and it covered a lot of areas of high school romances...both good and bad. Sure the epilogue was a bit much...but so what?

Ron R Wood - OldMarineVet Keep on writing please...

and we field dress our deer before we drag it out of the woods. Of course, you don't want to put the front legs over your shoulders to drag it out because other hunters might shoot it again. Sorry, just having a little fun. Great story. football and deer hunting what's not to love. Especially, with the Ohio St/ Michigan game always playing that first Saturday of the season. Great memories sitting in the hunting cabin with Dad, Grandad, Uncles and Cousins watching the game, telling stories and playing Cribbage. Love your writing style, keep up the good work. Thank you

This story was just plain, old enjoyable. Over the top? who cares, it was enjoyable entertainment. Thank you for a wonderful story.

But, a dang good one! Quite enjoyable.

I've now read all of you posted work but I read this, your first effort, last.

I've enjoyed your fleshing out of characters in all the stories and the writing style. However I can see this was your first posting. While the story an plot are fine, the main character Jim was just too good to be true. He would have been amazing as an older adult but as a high school student he approached saint hood.

Enjoyed the story, thought the ending was contrived and a bit over the top. Your later stories are an improvement as they should be as an author learns his craft.

I am looking forward to your next posting.

Thanks for the hard work.

Woodmanone

Written at a very elementary level. He is pretty much put down at every turn by VIcky and even at the first third of the last page she treats him like a secondary boy friend. Suddenly a burst of incredible and unbelievable events his world becomes alright. Actually, he caught her on the rebound.

“She kept insisting that I was the only one that had her heart, so what did it matter if she wanted to spend time with someone else.”

I realize she’s not a “wife” yet, but she has that stale old LW attitude that as long as she “loved” HIM, it was okay to hang with other guys, but she would go ballistic if she saw him even TALKING to another girl!

He was injured practicing with the team, the school is responsible for his medical bills.

He should definitely find a way to release the CD with Ricky’s cheap shot, then sue him for the loss of his scholarship.

excellent writing skill.

the story though was a sad one to me.

She didnt want him until she was dumped? and got him instantly?

the story would have been better if she had time to get over her BF then get with the new guy, or written that she fell for him and separated from the BF.

They way it was written made her out to not be a very nice person at all.

If Coach Chambers thought so little of his skills at quarterback, why did he have him as his starter?

“I could tell Katie was unhappy that I was coming out of Siberia” – Just shows what a bitch she is that she finds happiness in his misery.

As much as I like and enjoy your other works this one I hate. Vicky came across as a shallow, selfish, self centered, spoiled brat. Jim on the other hand was the most selfless, giving, saintly, pure as the driven snow example of unblemished manhood it made me want to puke! I went through the teen years and high school along with all of the rest of us. Nowhere, I mean NO Where was there such a sterling character to be seen. This story should have been in SciFi/Fantasy and even then Prince Charming would have been second string to Jim the Righteous!

Just My Opinion, YMMV

Morgan DeWolfe

there are people like JIMMY out there, or at least there used to be. TK U MLJ LV NV

I just fully enjoyed delving into the Neverland of an untarnished hero capable of so many wonderful traits. I felt like I was back in fifth grade again.

The only thing that got to me was the training of the father & som with the guns. Yeah he covered it off pretty well but in my training classes we use guns, rifles and/or firearms only the military or police use weapons. My fellow instructors & I tell our students "This may be a weapon in your hands but for the rest of they are guns or rifles."

All told it was a fun read though.

one of my all time favorites. my only problem with this is the end. I appreciate you wanting to give your couple the best ending possible but I think you might have over done it. The accolades he won would literally make him the one of if not THE best player to ever play professional ball. I lost the line of the story at that part. However I still love the story and I love everything you write so please grace us with another tale soon.

Really enjoyed reading this. Going to have to check out other stories from you!

Damn is right. Man you can really write. I look forward to enjoying your present and future tales. Thanks for sharing. BK

"After a hasty consultation, Vicky and I were told it was decided that it wasn't necessary to involve the police, but, for us not to cause any more problems." - I wouldn't settle for just he and Vicky NOT being punished, but would insist that Ricky be suspended for pushing him down, not to mention intentionally injuring him at the practice!

I'll never understand women in general or teen-age girls in particular, but for her to take a call from her boyfriend (which she has every right to do) rather than talk to her friend that has been invited to her house, and then get mad at him for going home, defies reason.

"My mistake wasn't trying to kiss you. It was apologizing for wanting to kiss you." - Frankly, I would have told her that I wasn't comfortable being kept in the "friend zone", and as long as she was committed to Will that they should probably cool things off a bit.

"I told her, how it had been my goal to lead my team to a State championship this year, and now, it was a failed dream." - But was already a failed dream as far as HE was concerned, so why should this loss bother him?

"I would have to go to the registrar and select new optional courses before school started....I decided to take guitar, art appreciation, and computers.

While I had practiced the guitar for several years and was proficient in it, art appreciation and computers were out of the blue selections."

"Proficient" playing gets that kind of reaction in a professional setting? Or did his afternoon classes up his game dramatically in a very short period of time? Or maybe he was just being modest when calling himself proficient? Modesty would be a bit out of character, though... :-)

Enjoyed the story even though you get a red flag for piling on at the end.

8 lines of the story set the tone

Not very realistic and just not really good.

3* at a push

Good yarn. A little wild at the end. Overdid it maybe. A lot of readers seem to think this stuff was real. Remember it is a story, fiction Still good

You could have ended with:

"

As I dropped her off she asked if I would be coming to see her in the evening. I could sense her vulnerability as I told her, this evening and every evening after, and I kissed her in front of her parents.

"

Everything after that is either gratuitous bordering on ridiculous or bitter and 3rd grade level pettiness.

I'm sad to say that the disappointing end stains the solid, entertaining 95% that came before it.

Jason

a good read. My wife liked it more than I do

This author never fails to please. A really enjoyable read as all the others, even if the end this time was a bit over the top. Wish the author would come back to us.

His girlfriend went from collapse to healed awful fast when her boyfriend dumped her.

I liked the story, but didn't really like how the conclusion all got encapsulated in like the last 1/3 of the final page. The pace was good until then.

Also...only one person has ever won the Heisman two times. Archie Griffin, when he played with Ohio State. I guess since you (at the very end of the story) made this guy such a football stud he could have done it, but it's very unlikely, I'm sure you'll agree.

I'm giving it 5 stars despite all that.

Good story, very well told.

....but I agree with others that the wrap-up was waaaaaay too short! This story needed a few thousand more words! Guess you ran out of steam and decided to give it a quick finish.

Still a 5* offering, thanks!

Great job. No complaints at all. Well, maybe one.

What am I going to do when I have read all your stories? :D. Thanks for your time and hard work.

Just too fairytale for me at the end. You should have made Will a college dope dealer that would have been more realistic. Then you could have had him busted by the cops. As for Susan, you could of had her become a crack whore!

Just felt a bit rushed at the end!

"SUPER-FANTASTIC-HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY-NOTHING-BUT-RAINBOWS-&-BABIES-UNLIMITED-HEAVEN" ending notwithstanding...

This was an OK story.

I would have been much better if we actually knew what the hell was going on inside Vicky Smith's mind. 'Cause, even know we knew exactly how Jim truly felt about him, except for how hot she is, this girl remains quite a mystery to me. How much does she truly care about Jim? Before learning of his cheating, would she had picked Will over Jim? When exactly did she admit to herself her true feeling to the man who would eventually become her husband - before the car ride home from Harrisburg? After she woke her in his arm the following morning?

How exactly are we suppose to not see her actions as getting hook on her rebound relationship?

So yeah - I don't really like Vicky. I also didn't care for that extended hunting arc - it could have been dealt with one paragraph, IMO, so we could have gotten back to the main story. I also have a very hard time believing that EVERYONE in Jim's high school would seriously have turned their back on him... just as I have a very a hard time believing he could forgive them all so easily months later.

But hey - still a good story. Just not one of the author's best effort.

Kinda surprised the guy with the sun shining out his ass didn't realize he could have dragged twenty to thirty pounds less weight by field dressing the deer.

Come on the Cowboys!? I should give you one star just for that.

but held my interest to the end so 5*

I was left willing some concerns about the Vicky character.

She only jumped to him after being dumped.

And you never writes anything about her feelings.

Was she just using the poor guy in love with her?

Given the chance would she cheat with the old boyfriend?

Should have added about her falling for him in the story.

He knew they were steroids and he kept quiet while his friends were being poisoned? And all the suspect rule 'bending' of the coach. That in itself makes me question his integrity. And the way his girlfriend would constantly shit all over him made me question his manhood. He should also learn how to hunt deer. You always field dress the deer to cool the meat down. It ends up too 'gamey' tasting and can spoil the meat. You also don't skin a deer at deer camp and put it directly in the freezer. Using deer camp as a bonding tool was good but was done wrong. The ending was a little over the top but it's your story and he can be anything you want him to be. I'm surprised he wasn't elected emperor of the western hemisphere after his football career. That and curing all known diseases while working on world Peace would be the rightful next step. 😉

...Is almost as much fun as reading the story. You guys are really funny. Thanks for the chuckles.

But while Oshaw attracted some really good ones here, the Romance comments are usually quite tame compared with the comments over in the Loving Wives category.

Lue

That's what dreams are made of! Winners get to fuck the Prom Queen (Sean Connery THE ROCK) Thanks for sharing this Fantastic story with us! ★★★★★

Not your best ,but an enjoyable read.

While I would not consider this story erotica, it fully captured the sensuality of a young man's senior year. This was a story with strong passions, angst, friendship, animosity... It was a very passionate tale.

Yes, I had to smile at the conclusion as being pretty fantastical. But this story did reflect some high school kids I knew, both in my own graduating class and that of my son. The Captain of the football team was a true leader there, too. He was also an Eagle Scout, an EMT, and he worked on college prep classes. He graduated with a full scholarship but decided not to pursue football. I saw him stick up for unpopular kids, as I did when I was in high school.

I saw this as a pretty realistic story, which is characteristic of this author. It gave me some things to think about, and it had me falling in love with the characters.

Thanks for a good read.

A pretty good story, but that is a WHOLE lot of drama for a bunch of high school kids. And the ending was a little over-the-top too, I think. I mean, four Super Bowl rings in ten years? I kind of think that this is more of a “Fantasy” story more than it is a “Romance” story.

It's not like he led the Detroit Lions to four Super Bowls... it's reasonably plausible for those fucksticks in Dallas to win. It's a great story of a psychopath playing the über-nice golden boy. Allowing Vicky's father to buy a Remington was the clear tipoff. Manipulating his teammates into injuring him before the season was true genius, Machiavelli could learn a thing or two.

I almost stopped reading after page 2, but am certainly glad I did not. Thanks. Cookie

I can only give you 5 ★ this being top award ! But for this story I conjure up equivalent to 100% Now that sounds Better! Thanks for sharing this Fantastic Story with us! ★★★★★×20 See Ya! Oh Oh Oh Never Drink when you go out on a date! As a Guy you are responsible for your Lady!!!!!!!!!! DON'T FORGET IT

Just a bit, OK way over the top at the end. I am a Dallas fan as apparently you are author. But I do have other favorite teams. I like Green Bay, the Giants, Denver and a few others when given a choice between ,but never against Dallas. I like fav players like Tom Brady, but he is too good and wins too much. This year hurt a bit, but I was happy for Philly too. I love a good game and a few beers...

Technically, well written. I can't even remember any spelling mistakes.

It felt rather predictable for a long time, and suddenly there was a "perfect ending" bolted on like Frankenstein's head.

btw, I'd imagine the other QB's family could have been ruined a lot earlier - once the "accident" turned out to be extremely malicious, the insurance company would be looking to unload their expenses onto the perp. Of course he was under 18 so he *could* get away with it.