- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Battlefield
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Daylight found with exhausted pen in hand
Shaking from too much coffee and the cannonade
Of last night's artillery barrage of thunder
Then the mornings counterstrike of poetry.
Minds cratered battlefield barren and desolate
Eyes now dull with shell-shocked desperation
Rains falling on the waste of no persons land.
Safe high hill of entrenched fortifications
Solid, unyielding purposeful defiant defense
Gives no hope of an eventual sweet victory
Only war weary satisfaction of continued survival
- COMMENTS
tazz317over 11 years agowhere the winners and losers both lament for the loss and cargage. TK U MLJ LV NV
tazz317over 11 years agoonly carnage and destruction, TK U MLJ LV NV
Desejoover 11 years agoJust a couple of suggestions that could make it a resounding victory:
It is unclear whether this is about one person or many. You may have done that intentionally, but it would be stronger with a single voice. A poet/soldier. That would make great phrases like "mind's cratered battlefield" (love how that sounds like mines) clearer. I realize it's not always a popular tactic, but this poem would be stronger with a clear "I". e.g.:
Daylight breaks on my exhausted pen
I have no hope of victory
I would also drop the political correctness of "no person's land". No mans land is fine.
